Her mother thought that Lu Yan wouldn't have any memories at the age of four, but she can still recall how red and cold the water was that night.

It rarely snows in Chengdu, but this year the snow was particularly heavy. The snowflakes were blown by the wind onto the glass, creating a layer of white mist. From then on, Lu Yan hated snow.

Lu Yan stayed by her mother's side in the bathroom, from night to day, and from day to evening. The drawing of her mother on the windowpane slowly disappeared.

When the maid returned home that evening after her holiday, she found Lin Zhixue, who had been dead for a day, in the bathtub, and Lu Yan, who was curled up on the floor with a fever.

When Lu Yan woke up, her mother was gone, and many people had come to the house. Her father, sister, and brother had all returned.

They didn't love her. Her brother and sister always called their mother a "mistress." She didn't know what a "mistress" was, but she could tell it was an unpleasant term.

Because every time Mom hears this word, she gets very sad.

She was still wearing that red dress, stained with her mother's blood, which had become stiff after being dried by the wind.

The aunt wanted to help her change her clothes, but she threw a tantrum and refused, wanting to wait for her mother to come back so she could change.

The aunt told her that her mother had died and couldn't change her clothes anymore.

But what is death?

"I heard that her mother committed suicide by cutting her wrists in the bathtub. The child was right next to her when she died. I wonder if she was scared out of her wits."

“I feel that Lu Yan is a very cold-blooded child. Her mother died in front of her, and look at her now, she doesn’t even cry.”

She was still wearing a red dress at the funeral, and refused to change her clothes even when asked.

She stood helplessly in the crowd, the gazes of those around her like those of a wild beast ready to devour her; no matter how she tried to escape, she couldn't.

Her father locked her in a small room with only one window, and she knelt on the floor.

"Santa Claus, Yan Yan doesn't want the presents anymore. Can you give my mom back to me? Is it because I'm a greedy and bad child that my mom doesn't want me anymore? I promise to change my bad habits. I will eat all the food my mom makes for me obediently. I will never make her angry again. I'm willing to do anything as long as you let me see my mom."

At that time, she didn't know that Santa Claus was not a god, but just a little old man sent down by the gods. He didn't have the ability to grant wishes and couldn't give a child a mother again.

The Santa Claus in the foreign country couldn't hear her wish, but her brother did, and he asked her if she wanted to see her mother.

She nodded, hugged his leg, and begged him to take her to find her mother. Then her brother took her to an empty cemetery, pushed her in front of a tombstone, grabbed her hair, and said, "This is your mother. Your mother is dead. Remember that wooden box from the day before yesterday? Your mother is in it."

"No, my mother won't die, she won't be in the box." She reached out to resist, but her brother stomped her to the ground.

Her fifteen-year-old brother looked down at her and mocked her weakness: "Your mother is a mistress. Mistresses deserve to die a horrible death. Who told her to seduce my father and steal my mother's husband? If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have been born without a mother. She ruined my whole family."

She gripped the mud on the ground and said forcefully, "My mom isn't a mistress!"

“A younger sister seducing her own sister’s husband is even more disgusting than a mistress. Don’t you want to see your mother? She’s in here. You can stay here and stay with her for the rest of your life.” After saying that, he kicked a tombstone hard, leaving a shoe print on the photo.

Lu Yan was abandoned by her brother. She couldn't find her way home and ended up staying in the same place after wandering around for a while.

She wiped the photo off the tombstone while crying.

The tombstone is cold and lifeless; no matter how long you lie on it, it will never warm you up.

........

When she was four years old, she only reached her mother's thighs. Her favorite thing to do was to hug her mother's legs like a koala, step on her feet, and let her drag her along.

At that time, she was thinking about when she would grow up and be as tall as her mother.

Later, Gao Gao's mother was put into a small box and then taken to this place and buried in a small pit.

After her mother died, no one in the family loved her anymore; her so-called relatives wished she would die out there.

A four-year-old child was abandoned in the wilderness and could not find his way home on his own.

She was shivering with cold and could only curl up against the tombstone, as if she were huddled in her mother's arms for warmth.

"Mom, Yanyan is so cold, can you hug me?" She coughed, her throat was itchy and sore, as if she had a razor blade in her mouth.

Lu Yan's face was red from crying. She missed her mother so much, she wanted her mother's hug, her mother's kiss, and she wanted her mother to sing to her so she could fall asleep.

"The dark sky hangs low, accompanied by bright stars. Insects fly, insects fly, who are you thinking of..."

"Don't be afraid, Yan Yan, Mommy is always here."

She'll never hear that again.

If four-year-old Lu Yan hadn't met an old woman, she might have died in a cold cemetery.

Like the little match girl who dies in a hallucination.

Grandma anxiously hugged her and stroked her face with her warm palms: "It's so cold, why is this child here all alone? Child, where are your parents?"

"My dad doesn't want me anymore, and my mom is dead."

She heard her grandmother sigh: "Do you know where your home is? I'll take you home."

If you can't get an answer from them, you'll have to call the police.

Grandma took off the scarf from her neck and put it on her. The long scarf was wrapped around her several times, from her neck all the way to her head, and it was very warm.

That memory is hazy; she only remembers that her grandmother stuffed candy into her mouth, and the sweetness of the candy spread from her mouth to her heart. It was one of the few delicious things she could taste during her childhood.

At the police station, an old lady tried to distract her by telling her that she had a little grandson with a red mole on the back of his neck.

After they parted, Grandma gave her the scarf and bought her hot milk and sweet bread. She touched her head and gave her a blessing: "Child, grow up healthy and strong."

...

Back then, she wasn't even as tall as the tombstone, but now it reaches her thigh. Looking at her mother's portrait, Lu Yan said self-deprecatingly, "I really hated you back then. I hated you for giving birth to me and then not taking responsibility for it, for wanting to die in front of me, for leaving me in that cold, lifeless house. If you were going to die, why didn't you take me with you?"

Lu Yan picked up the mooncakes from the ground and ate them in big bites. The mooncakes were delicious, and she ate five in one go. It was as if filling her stomach made her feel less empty inside.

Who says people don't have memories from before they were five years old when they grow up? She remembers them very clearly, memories that are so painful that even now, recalling them still causes her to twitch reflexively.

I also remember when I was little, my mother would always let me eat first whenever there was something delicious. Now she lets her mother eat first too, but there are still plenty of mooncakes.