Chapter 12

12

Miji said I was a rotten person.

If we're really comparing who's worse, Illumi is definitely better.

For a long time now, he has been inexplicably whispering in my ear things like "this won't work" or "that won't work."

There are also things like "Lay also likes his older brother" and "You should listen to your older brother"... it never ends.

It wasn't that I hadn't resisted; although I always swallowed my anger, I still had a temper and would quietly retort:

"No, I didn't..."

Then they will be silenced by the terrifying mental pressure.

An elephant that is tethered with ropes when it is young will never think of breaking free, even if its body grows to the size of a truck.

—I have no way of escaping from this person.

I realized this a long time ago.

So he settled down and called Killua and Kalluto "Big Brother," so he was silent and taciturn, and so he always kept a smile no matter what he was asked to do.

"Okay, brother."

The same words are repeated over and over again.

It's okay, anyway, the fact that my brother treats me this way shows that he cares about me—a false peace is maintained by lies that are so easily exposed.

But lies will always be exposed eventually.

I was sitting right there in the audience, right next to him, when a gleaming nail flew from beside me onto the stage—that person was blatantly telling me in this way that he didn't care about me at all.

He just took me for granted as his possession.

I feel devastated.

The truth that the lies have collapsed is something I can't bear.

Like a drowning victim desperately needing to grab onto a piece of duckweed, I clung tightly to the guy named Kuroro who was impersonating my missing brother.

Of course I know he isn't the real person.

Apart from having the same hair color and eyes, we look nothing alike.

Not to mention, when I touched him, I didn't feel any of that deep-rooted intimacy from blood ties; there was absolutely no warmth in his eyes when he looked at me.

But it's okay.

I returned everything I had taught him to him.

“Brother,” I whispered, leaning against his knees, “I love you.”

He didn't believe my clumsy lie.

But a lie repeated a thousand times becomes the truth, just like I've told myself a thousand, even ten thousand times, "I like Illumi."

—I like you, big brother.

—I really like you.

—I can't live without you.

Similar words were repeated over and over again, and the man's voice as he recited the poetry grew softer and softer until it was finally swallowed up by the mingling of his lips and breaths.

Once again, I turned a lie into a "truth".

And then he was abandoned once again.

“…You really can’t blame me, brother,” I sighed and said softly in the face of Illumi’s questioning, “It’s not like I changed my mind on my own.”

“You were the one who abandoned me first,” I said, “...because without my older brother, I became like this.”

I just can't leave my older brother.

What did I do wrong?

Even if we take a step back and assume the worst, isn't the eldest brother the real culprit?

...

The conversation ended with Illumi's magnanimity.

He probably thought what I said made a lot of sense and agreed with me, but he only argued with his eyes wide open, "But this time it was Lai who threw a tantrum first."

"I'm sorry," I said, feigning insincerity, "but I do sometimes lose my temper. Will my brother dislike me because of that?"

Illumi's movements froze for a moment.

"No way," I said, resting my chin on my hand and laughing. "Because my older brother loves me very much, and I love him very much too... so it's not a big deal if I occasionally want to throw a tantrum, right?"

He didn't reply, probably thinking he'd find a better time to teach me a lesson next time.

Anyway, that's how we got away with it this time.

I stood up cheerfully and took his hand: "Okay, that's settled then, brother, don't hold it against me... I'm back now, aren't I?"

He then completely gave up thinking, said "Oh" expressionlessly, and then said that he had something to take care of... probably that he had finished his task and needed to go to the finance department to check some documents and get signatures.

The road to finding the person in charge of finances is quite long.

I immediately let go and said insincerely, "Okay, then go ahead, brother. I'll wait for you."

He's gone.

I lowered the corners of my mouth from the upturn and rubbed my stiff cheeks.

The ring on my hand was cold and uncomfortable.

I took it off and replaced the finger strap.

Illumi suddenly floated back and said, "That ring was prepared temporarily... we'll change it later."

Me: "...Ah."

He instructed again, "Don't lose it."

Me: "Okay."

Illumi then completely disappeared.

...

Kurt appeared from the other side of the corridor.

He looked no different from usual, but there was a bright red mark on his nails, probably because he had just come back from Mrs. Zoldyck's... She had come up with a new way to torment the child.

It's not that it's incomprehensible.

After all, this house is dull and boring; if we don't find some entertainment, we'll go crazy soon.

I didn't move, I stood in the path he had to pass, and watched him walk towards me with my eyes open.

I greeted them only after we had gotten quite close:

"Kurt".

"Sister." He stopped in his tracks.

"Brother..." It didn't seem right to call him that anymore, so I changed my address, "Did you tell Big Brother about that person?"

He hummed in agreement.

"Do you know him?" I asked.

“We sometimes do things together,” Kurt replied.

"Does the older brother know him too?" I asked again.

Kote nodded.

"Oh, so you all know each other." I laughed. "...If I had known, I should have brought him over and let you all see him back then."

In that case, before one becomes completely trapped in the love lies one has woven for oneself, can one wake up?

However, it seems too late to say all this now.

"If my older brother and I were to have a wedding," I asked again, "would we invite that person over?"

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In short, the girl is suffering from a combination of psychological manipulation and Stockholm syndrome. She has no one to rely on and lives under the threat of death. She can't live without loving her older brother.

But when you ask how much you love someone, the core of that love is actually hatred and fear.

The author's writing style is such that while a healthy relationship is important, a distorted love is truly fascinating.