Chapter 36

I actually envy Killua.

As I have said before, I was fascinated by Ilmi for a long time under those circumstances.

Feeling unloved, I projected my emotional needs onto my expectations of Illumi.

I am very envious of the attention Killua receives from his "big brother".

Besides that, I also envy him for having a father like the head of the Zoldyck family.

I have great respect and admiration for the head of the Zoldyck family, and this feeling has never changed to this day.

He is calm, reliable, and taciturn, but extremely kind when necessary.

We had a brief conversation once.

One day, after I had just seen Illumi off on his mission, this reliable father happened to meet me in the courtyard corridor.

"Lei," he greeted me first.

I felt awkward and uneasy, unsure of what to do.

"Hello," I awkwardly replied.

“Your relationship with Illumi has been getting better and better lately,” he said, as if it were nothing out of the ordinary.

"Yes," I answered numbly, somewhat absentmindedly, wanting only to end this torment as soon as possible.

“Michiki likes you very much too,” he added.

"Ah..." I really don't know what to say.

“Karto and Killua too,” he added, avoiding mentioning the names of the four sons who were imprisoned.

I finally realized something was wrong, and I tensed up, staring blankly into my eyes.

"You mean..." I was extremely nervous.

"Don't be nervous." He simply smiled and said, "Thank you for your hard work; these kids must be quite troublesome."

I:"……"

“But,” he added, “it’s rare to see them have anything to offer… at least they know how to please girls.”

This statement sounds somewhat like a joke, but it also seems to contain a deeper meaning.

My mind went blank; I couldn't tell whether his words came from a good or bad intention.

"I'm sorry." Without hesitation, I instinctively apologized. "Are you trying to say I was too willful?"

I made mistakes, such as not respecting the Zoldyck children...

I tried hard to reflect on myself.

But he simply shook his head.

“Just be yourself,” he said. “You don’t have to treat yourself like that. You’re a kid who grew up in Zoldyck.”

Then he left.

We rarely spoke to each other after that.

But his last words keep echoing in my mind.

If my father were still alive, would he be like the Zoldyck family head—kind yet dignified, inspiring both fear and respect and affection in me?

This question, which has lingered in my mind for many years, is finally about to be answered.

I stepped through the door that my father was guarding.

...

If I had to describe it in one word, from that time onward for a long period afterward, I would probably think of "as if I were on a cloud."

There were no unexpected surprises or disappointments as the worst-case scenario had been anticipated. The father's figure stood silently behind the door, like a beautiful illusion.

Hearing me open the door, he turned and glanced at me. After a moment of silence, he suddenly put down his chores and greeted me with a smile:

"Ray."

This was so unusual that he recognized me immediately.

I couldn't help but take a step back.

He realized something from my actions, looked quite bewildered, his expression shifting, his palm brushing against the hem of his clothes, and then paused.

"Did I scare you?" he asked. "You're Ray, right...? He showed me pictures of you as an adult, but you should have had black hair like your mother... You dyed it."

His performance and reasons were flawless.

I ignored the other "he" he mentioned and tried hard to think about how I should behave as a better daughter in this situation.

...I know how to be a good student at school, how to be a good daughter that my mother can trust, and how to become a young lady who is admired by everyone in social situations.

But no one told me what it should be like to be an ordinary daughter, a daughter in her parents' arms.

I've already forgotten about it.

So I could only stand there awkwardly, futilely pondering for a long time before stiffly squeezing out a sentence:

"……Um."

Jay stood motionless behind me by the door, silently disappearing into the shadows, yet he never left.

I think I know why he stayed by my side.

But I pretended not to know at that moment.

I finally came up with a question, and with difficulty, I asked it:

"How are you"

That thing, which looked almost exactly like my father, and even had white hair to mimic his weathered appearance after many years of separation, smiled at me.

He said, "That's good. And you... you should be doing well too. She won't let you suffer, I mean, your mother."

“I guess I haven’t suffered much.” I thought uncertainly, and smiled slightly. “My mother has always been very resourceful. At first, some people would try to kidnap me, but because of her, no one dared to threaten me after that… When I go out and play with other people, everyone will give way to me. No one wants to offend her.”

At least, judging from my outward appearance, I am an enviable young lady who gets whatever she wants.

After he finished speaking, we both fell silent.

I actually have many other questions on my mind.

For example, does he truly love his mother?

For example, am I so much like my mother that he finds me repulsive?

For example, does he miss me? Has he gone to look for his missing older brother?

...But those problems don't matter at this moment.

Because what stands in front of me is not a real, existing "human being".

Anyone with even a modicum of Nen ability standing here, using their Nen-enchanted eyes to look at the smiling "man" opposite them... would immediately see that the "man" in front of them is nothing but an empty shell.

He is a product of Nen ability, an artificial being, a non-human existence.

He is not my father.

I closed my eyes and exhaled deeply, deeply, from my chest.

"You..." I asked, "When did you leave?"

"What?" He seemed not to understand my question.

Perhaps they didn't realize their own identity.

I changed the subject: "Did the person who told you I was coming say anything else?"

His expression faltered for a moment, as if a switch had been flipped on some command.

Then, under my questioning gaze, he gave the perfect answer with an impeccable, perfect smile.

“I love you,” he said, “Ray.”

I:"……"

Sometimes, things that are too perfect can feel unreal.

I had initially hoped that he might retain some of my father's consciousness, but now I'm more inclined to believe that he might just be a puppet, forced to bear the will of others.

Nevertheless, clinging to a last shred of self-deceptive hope, I asked:

"……Really"

He nodded.

Another moment of silence followed.

I laughed, feeling both satisfied and somewhat disappointed.

“Okay,” I said, “Sorry to bother you, thank you.”

Then I went outside.

...Was that statement true or false?

I will never know the answer, I will neither believe it nor deny it, but there is no doubt that this meeting has completely cut off my path.

I have nowhere else to go, not even my father, who may hate me, will take me in.

Because he has become a mixture of bones and psychic power.

"He must have died in an accident," I asked in a low voice after we came out. I didn't know who I was asking, myself or the boy beside me. "...After all, the last thing that person taught him was to love me."

Since he's going to such lengths to create a false sense of warmth for me, he certainly wouldn't lay a hand on my father... because there's no need for it.

ah……

It suddenly occurred to me.

So, if we look at this from another perspective, could that person have taken me in with love?

If it were me in the past, I would have lifted my skirt and rushed into his arms without hesitation.

After all, I crave the love of those around me.

But I don't know when it started, and without realizing it, I discovered that these feelings of dependence and love were just beautifully packaged empty shells. When I opened them with expectations, there was usually nothing inside.

"What you promised me," I said, "seems unnecessary to do now... When do you plan to take me back to see Killua?"

A brief moment of tenderness and conscience was once again buried and suppressed by malice.

My heart feels empty.

I tilted my head to look at the boy in front of me, and my lips instinctively curled up slightly, and my eyes also curved... However, my brain was disconnected and wandered off on its own.

"Or," I finally broke the facade of peace I'd maintained with the boy in front of me, "do you think it would be better for me to continue being with you...?"

I pretended not to hear the phone call that night.

Today, I finally couldn't resist digging it up again and using it as leverage to vaguely threaten and incite the boy in front of me.

"Want to elope?" I asked. "I've asked so many people, and nobody agrees... Killua too. He always says 'someday,' 'someday,' but if he doesn't agree right away, it's just empty promises to fool a child."

He didn't speak.

A gentle breeze, carrying the moist scent of the sea, blew against my face.

I heard my own voice, drifting like a siren.

"Take me with you... just like you took Killua. You can do that, right?"

I asked.

...So, I really, really have envied Killua for a long time.

He received the love of his family and also gained freedom. Even though we were both in the abyss, his eyes were always brighter than mine.

That's great, Killua.

Why haven't they come to rescue me yet?

Huge seagulls flapped their wings and made a loud sound as they flew past me, pulling my thoughts back from the distance.

I snapped out of my daze, realized the meaning of my words, and gave a half-hearted apologetic smile.

“It’s alright if you don’t agree. It was very rude of me to make such a request so suddenly,” I continued. “However, even without you, that person will be here soon. So please consider my proposal as soon as possible.”

Since so many riddles have been carefully laid out here, when I solve them, that person will surely appear.

If you can't find a place to call home, then just continue to drift along for now.

I have the right to examine and select.

They certainly wouldn't mind.

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Thank you so much for your support! I will continue to work hard!