Chapter 135 I Want to Love Myself

At the entrance of Qingyue Manor, Feng Manman reluctantly pulled Lu Zhenyu, who was about to go home.

"Are you really not going to stay with me for one more night?"

"Silly girl, it's your wedding night. What would it mean if I stayed?"

"So, will you come again tomorrow?"

"I'll come keep you company if there's nothing wrong."

The pregnant girl was particularly clingy, and it took Lu Zhenyu a while to coax her before she drove back to her home alone.

Shen Jingsi is right, getting married is really tiring.

She was up from 3 a.m. until late at night. She almost fell asleep while taking a bath and was only woken up by a servant bringing her a freshly washed bathrobe.

"Miss, why are you back so soon?"

Lu Zhenyu, dressed in a bathrobe, tilted her head and dried her wet hair. "You guys seem to really not want me to come back."

The servant chuckled, "How could that be? We just wanted you and Major General Feng to spend more time together and develop a relationship."

The servant muttered to himself, "You said that Major General Feng is usually busy, and you two don't have many opportunities to spend time together. When he comes back, he just sits in the living room for a couple of sips of tea and then leaves. Why don't you invite him over for a meal another day? I'll prepare something lavish."

Lu Zhenyu smiled helplessly, "We're not dating, so why would we spend so much time together?"

Seeing that he was about to say something, she quickly pushed him out, saying, "Alright, it's better to study a few more recipes than to study me. Go to bed early, staying up late is bad for your health."

After escorting the person for two miles, Lu Zhenyu dragged her tired body back to her bedroom.

She closed the door and turned around, only to be suddenly confronted by a broad body that pressed her against the door.

The thin lips that pressed down stopped just as their noses were about to clash.

Shen Jingsi didn't kiss her any further. He took a few deep breaths, and the strong smell of alcohol sprayed onto Lu Zhenyu's face.

The person was then tightly encircled in the arms by long arms, with such force that there was no way to break free.

A voice, hoarse beyond words, came from beside me, "Why?"

Lu Zhenyu was stunned and trapped in the cold air of the embrace.

She was indeed a little frightened. In the past, if it were anyone else, she would have attacked the next second after such a sudden attack.

But today, surprisingly, there was no panic.

Lu Zhenyu was full of doubt, "Why what?"

Shen Jingsi's voice was choked with emotion, "Why, why do you insist on divorcing me?"

His response was silence.

Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, Shen Jingsi finally uttered the words that had been lingering in his heart for so long: "You... you've fallen for Feng Jinzhou, haven't you?"

"..."

Four years later, he was finally able to bury his tear-stained face in the soft, fragrant neck of the girl once again.

What he said was, "If you really like him, I promise I won't bother you again from now on."

Shen Jingsi knew that he had no right to ask these questions, nor did he have the right to say that he loved her anymore.

He endured it for a long time, from the moment he learned that she was still alive, from the moment she spent every day with the man, they boxed together, ran, raced cars, traveled around the world together, chased the aurora together, and drank while lying in the desert.

He was consumed by jealousy and on the verge of exploding with rage.

If he used Duan Xi'er to provoke her back then, this is how she felt.

Na Shen Jingsi admitted that his retribution had come.

Then came a voice from below, "If I said I like him, and you could get a divorce from me without any further entanglement, then my answer would be, yes, I like him."

Lu Zhenyu's tone was very calm.

Shen Jingsi's eyes welled up with tears. "You... don't want to have anything to do with me anymore?"

This answer broke Shen Jingsi's heart even more than if the girl had told him herself that she had fallen in love with Feng Jinzhou.

Although it was already broken and tattered.

A single hot tear fell straight down, landing squarely on Lu Zhenyu's tightly pursed lips.

It forcefully seeps into the lips, astringent, with a bitter aftertaste.

She slightly raised her eyes and met the pair of deeply wounded eyes above her, and her heart softened.

She didn't want to talk about it; she didn't want to recount that most chaotic and confused year of her life.

Since she came back, everyone says she has changed; she is now cheerful, resolute, and insightful, yet she has retained her former kindness and gentleness.

But only Lu Zhenyu knew how confused she was after learning about her past experiences.

"Although I can't remember my feelings for you or the past, I can sense from Manman Jinzhou's description that it must have been a very painful and dark past."

Shen Jingsi gritted his teeth, suppressing his emotions, "Why are you so obsessed with knowing the past?"

"Because I always feel incomplete."

During those three years when she remembered nothing, Lu Zhenyu truly had a lot of fun and enjoyed herself to the fullest. She achieved the freedom and spontaneity that the girl in the book longed for.

But she knew very well that it was only temporary, or perhaps it was more like a dying person's last burst of energy before death.

She was free and happy, but not happy.

But when she finally learned everything, she became even more confused.

Feng Manman said she was like a ghost possessed, changing into one person at a time.

Actually, she had run out of options.

That lucid chaos suffocated her, and she could only release her emotions through various extreme sports, temporarily escaping the real world and finding clues about herself in each near-death experience.

Shen Jingsi, "So, you hate me?"

The chandelier overhead illuminated the man's wet eyes so clearly that Lu Zhenyu's heart involuntarily clenched.

She was truly at her wit's end. "Jing Si, believe it or not, I don't think I'll ever fall in love with anyone again."

His dark eyes, swirling with mist, narrowed and trembled. Shen Jingsi asked, "Why?"

"Because I've read 'Her'." At this point, Lu Zhenyu finally couldn't hold back her tears.

"It broke my heart to watch, it was so hard to bear. Then I started thinking, how could a girl love that man more than she loves herself?"

As someone standing in the future, looking back at her past, Lu Zhenyu feels heartache and wants to love that girl from the past properly.

“Jing Si, I don’t want to hurt you, because every time I see your disappointment, my heart aches. It’s not just heartache, but heartache. At that moment, I know that she won’t allow me to hurt you.”

But life is very fragile.

That was Lu Zhenyu's second year of traveling the world. She met a boy who was three years younger than her. Just a moment ago, they made a promise to go rock climbing together next time. But the next day, the boy's WeChat Moments was filled with news of his death.

Lu Zhenyu reached out and cupped the man's face, which was already soaked with tears. She gently wiped away the tear stains with her fingertips, cradled his head, and stood on tiptoe to pull him into her arms.

"Jing Si, listen to me carefully."

Her tear-stained lips pressed against her burning earlobe; the girl was patient and gentle.

"Lu Zhenyu hasn't fallen in love with anyone again, nor does she hate you. She just doesn't know how much longer she has to live. Before death comes, this time she wants to find herself first, then love her again, and live the rest of her life simply for herself."

Holding her tear-stricken cheeks in her hands, Lu Zhenyu smiled at Shen Jingsi, tilting her head slightly, a tear sliding down her cheek. "If I answer you like this, will you understand me?"

Shen Jingsi pressed his trembling lips together, which were drowning in tears.

He understands, of course he understands.

His girl didn't fall in love with someone else, nor did she resent him or seek revenge; she simply fell in love with herself.

Are you sad?

They should be even happier and more delighted.

Hedgehogs have thorns on their shells because their insides are too soft.

There's nothing wrong with loving yourself. Who says two people who want to stay together have to be in love? He can just love her.

The large hand around her waist rose up and gently wiped away the tears on the girl's face with the softer back of his hand.

Shen Jingsi bent down, preventing the girl beneath him from looking up again. "Then could you please allow me to love her with you?"

The man's face, so gentle and humble, reflected in her amber pupils, deeply touched Lu Zhenyu's eyes.

Swallowing the emotions stuck in her throat, she nodded, "Okay."

Shen Jingsi immediately smiled, grinning to reveal his bright white teeth, wet eyes, and red nose, looking as happy as a child who had been given a piece of candy.

"Then, may I make another request?"

Lu Zhenyu, "Go ahead."

He asked cautiously, "May I sleep here tonight?"

It may sound exaggerated, but how can someone who hasn't had a good night's sleep in four years, more than 1,460 days, survive to this day?

But Chen Jingsi is still alive.

Sometimes he wondered if he were to suddenly die one day, would that be considered a blessing from heaven?

But he dared not die.

He used to think that if the girl hated him, resented him, and loathed him, it would be good if she died a violent death in the street one day, at least she wouldn't be in his way anymore.

But now, after reading that thick stack of drafts, he really didn't dare to die so easily.

If they die, who will protect them, mother and daughter?

Should it be handed over to those unreliable subordinates? Or to his own brothers? And Feng Jinzhou?

No, Shen Jingsi didn't believe them.

Because he was absolutely certain that no one in the world would love his girl more than he did.

He loved her so much that if the child hadn't been born from her womb, he probably would have let go long ago and freed the child from suffering.

Seeing Lu Zhenyu hesitate, perhaps thinking he had other intentions, Shen Jingsi quickly explained, "I'm just too tired today and don't want to go through all that trouble. But don't worry, I won't do anything to you. I can sleep on the floor or the sofa, I just... want to get a good night's sleep next to you."

How could Lu Zhenyu not see the weariness in his eyes? She had seen it clearly ever since the day they reunited.

Her hesitation stemmed from wanting to ask if he had any health problems.

Thinking about it, I decided to let him get a good night's sleep first.

The pressure from the palm pressing down on the back of his head deepened.

Shen Jingsi heard, "Okay, I'll sleep with you."