64 Chapter 64

◎You swear you don't like him◎

Although her memories of the past were hazy, after repeatedly recalling them, there was one thing she was certain of: she hadn't gone to the aquarium with Shi Ziqian in her past life. Although it seemed that she had been delayed because of something that happened at home, and she had told Shi Ziqian in advance, it still added another layer of guilt to her feelings towards him.

Perhaps because she kept thinking about the past before going to sleep, when she finally fell asleep, she dreamed of scenes from her past life.

Just like not long ago, she and Xie Wanzhi argued about changing seats in her dream. At the end of the argument, Xie Wanzhi said with absolute certainty, "All these excuses, you just want to sit with Shi Ziqian, don't you? You always pretend, but who knows what you're really thinking! Don't tell me you're fantasizing about having a secret crush?"

She opened her mouth, then said in a panic, "How could that be? You can eat whatever you want, but you can't say whatever you want."

Xie Wanzhi glanced at her and said, "I advise you not to have any unrealistic fantasies. Shi Ziqian's family is so complicated; he's from a completely different world from us. Don't you remember what Xin Wenhua said last time? Someone from a family like his will definitely end up like his father..."

She woke up suddenly, glanced at the time, looked out the window at the approaching dawn, and slowly sat up.

In the throes of half-awake waking, the questioning from Xie Wanzhi in her dream brought back memories that had sunk to the surface. In her past life, she and Xie Wanzhi had indeed argued like this once.

She suddenly remembered everything about that argument, everything about her and Shi Ziqian.

Many past memories fade naturally with the passage of time and are eventually forgotten, but some are deliberately chosen to be forgotten.

Her story with Shi Ziqian belongs to the latter category.

In fact, Shi Ziqian's complete story is very short, so short that it can be summarized in just a few sentences.

As she grew closer to Shi Ziqian, her initial simple and innocent crush began to change. As they got closer and she witnessed too much of the tenderness Shi Ziqian showed when they were alone, she became insecure and started to repeatedly guess his thoughts.

Perhaps it was because she was too close to the situation to see clearly, but now she could easily discern Shi Ziqian's intentions from his writings, whereas back then she had never been sure. In her countless moments of reflection, it was her inner inferiority complex that began to grow wildly, and Xie Wan's occasional provocations were enough to fuel its growth.

After countless attempts to get close and then back away, her relationship with Shi Ziqian became increasingly awkward. Just then, Xu Shen suddenly started pursuing her, and she secretly hoped that Shi Ziqian would react to it, but he didn't at all.

Affected by her awkward emotions, she suddenly lost her temper with Shi Ziqian over a trivial matter. Faced with Shi Ziqian's bewildered gaze, she completely despised herself, feeling that she was utterly terrible, and began a one-sided cold war with Shi Ziqian.

When the class assignments were approaching, Xie Wanzhi invited her to sit with him, but she hesitated for a long time and still declined.

After a physical education class, she returned to the classroom and saw Xie Wanzhi, who was resting in the classroom due to menstrual cramps, sitting in her seat with a strange expression, looking dazed.

Before she could even figure out what was going on, Xie Wanzhi called her out of the classroom and forcefully asked if she wanted to be her deskmate. She stammered and refused, but Xie Wanzhi suddenly pointed out the secret she thought she had hidden so well: she loudly questioned her, "Making so many excuses, isn't it just that you still want to sit with Shi Ziqian? You always pretend, but who knows what you're really thinking?" Before she could speak, Xie Wanzhi continued, "Don't tell me you're fantasizing about having a crush on someone."

Zhan Xinyue suddenly broke out in a sweat. Her secret thoughts, which she had never shown to anyone before, were suddenly exposed to the sun. She felt like a vampire who had been dragged out and exposed to the scorching sun. She was extremely flustered and could only deny it repeatedly: "How could that be? You can eat whatever you want, but you can't say whatever you want."

Xie Wanzhi refused to believe her and still glared at her: "You swear you don't like him."

Zhan Xinyue lowered her head under her piercing gaze: "I didn't. We're just ordinary deskmates."

Xie Wanzhi looked at her for a while, softened her tone, and took her hand: "Xinyue, I didn't mean anything by it. I just didn't want to see you get hurt. You know, someone like Shi Ziqian, in terms of looks and family background, is not someone that ordinary girls like us can be good enough for. There are more girls in the whole class who have a crush on him, but do you see any of them who have the confidence to confess to him?"

Zhan Xinyue stared at her toes without speaking. Xie Wanzhi sighed, "Besides, you know about Shi Ziqian's family situation. Their family is so complicated, and his father has such a messy private life, having so many children. Do you know that some things are etched in our genes? With a father like that, how can he possibly have a devoted and faithful son? Trust me, don't get involved with this kind of person, or you'll be like a moth drawn to a flame, and you'll definitely get hurt."

Zhan Xinyue pulled her hand away from hers and said softly, "Don't say anymore. Didn't I tell you? I have nothing to do with him."

She turned and walked towards the classroom. Xie Wanzhi said behind her, "Xinyue, you're so eager to continue being his deskmate, even at the cost of arguing with me for him. But what about him? Does he want to? Did he try to keep you?"

When she ran back to the classroom, she saw Shi Ziqian in his seat. He was looking down at a book and she didn't know when he had returned to the classroom.

Zhan Xinyue silently walked over, and as she sat down, leaning on the table for support, a deep sense of powerlessness welled up inside her. After a moment of silence, she whispered to him, "I'm going to sit with Xie Wanzhi when we change seats."

Shi Ziqian kept his head down, his jawline taut, and didn't look at her once from beginning to end.

After a while, she heard his voice, which said only one word: "Mmm".

Her last bit of courage crumbled. Actually, when she said that, she was thinking that if Shi Ziqian liked her even a little bit, even just a little bit, he would probably have asked her to stay.

She would stay as long as he asked.

But she never got to see it.

And so she finally became convinced that it was all just wishful thinking on her part. As she moved her things away from him, she thought to herself that unrequited love was such a painful thing.

She never wanted to like someone so humbly again.

At first, she didn't have any particular feelings for Xu Shen. They were completely different kinds of people; he was passionate and flamboyant, while she was quiet and reserved, like fire and water that couldn't mix. But after that, she began to be moved by his unwavering persistence and his undisguised favoritism.

Humans have an instinct to seek pleasure and avoid pain, and will instinctively try to forget those people and things that have hurt them. On the day she accepted Xu Shen's confession after her college entrance exam, she threw away the diary she had once cherished. Along with it, she also threw away all her memories of this untold, innocent first love. For the next ten years or so, she never looked back even for a moment.

It is clear that, in a sense, she is a person who is decisive in love and hate.

Zhan Xinyue couldn't fall back asleep after waking up in the morning. When it was fully light, she got out of bed, tidied herself up, and prepared to go out.

Before she left, Pang Yun called out, "It's chilly outside today, put on some clothes," and put a knitted cardigan on her. She also reminded her to remember to eat breakfast after she went out before letting her go.

Although she had put on more clothes, as soon as she stepped out of the building, the cool morning breeze made her shiver and her mind clear up instantly.

Perhaps because of the light rain last night, the fog outside was very thick, so when she stepped out of the community gate, this was the scene she saw: a tall and straight young man was leaning against a Maybach on the sidewalk, wearing a thin black windbreaker, his figure half-hidden in the fog, very eye-catching.

The old town area is poorly managed, and every morning, various breakfast stalls are set up on the sidewalk in front of the residential area, filled with the sounds of vendors calling out their wares, creating a lively scene of everyday life. And Shi Ziqian, a young man who is completely untouched by the hustle and bustle, stands in front of this noise, yet he doesn't seem out of place at all.

Yesterday, she hesitated for a long time in response to Shi Ziqian's text message, but in the end she replied with an "okay" and told him that if possible, he could leave earlier.

Shi Ziqian replied that it would be more convenient to have a car to pick up Panpan, so he and his driver would come to pick her up at the entrance of her residential complex.

As she gazed at his figure shrouded in mist from afar, she recalled the dream from the previous night—a vivid and profound dream in which the girl's overwhelming sadness still gripped her heart.

Even if she were to be reborn, she couldn't find a reason to justify her younger self. Xie Wanzhi was merely a trivial trigger between them; ultimately, it stemmed from her lack of self-confidence back then. But who could be confident enough to be worthy of someone like Shi Ziqian?

Zhan Xinyue watched for a while, then straightened her collar and walked towards him.

Good morning! When did you arrive?

"Good morning, the new moon is shining." Shi Ziqian looked down at her. "Not long after."

Zhan Xinyue glanced at his hair, which was damp from the mist, and asked softly, "Why didn't you wait in the car?"

Shi Ziqian said, "I'm afraid you won't be able to find me when you come out."

"I'll call you if I can't find it," Zhan Xinyue said. "Have you had breakfast? There's a pretty good tofu pudding place around here, let's grab some together, it's on me."

The two walked side by side to a small stall. Zhan Xinyue had only thought that this stall was very close by and that the food tasted pretty good in her memory. But now that she saw it, she felt that the environment was a bit too shabby.

It was just a simple breakfast stall set up on the sidewalk. The previous table had just left, and the empty table hadn't been cleaned up yet, so it was a bit messy. The two of them stood side by side waiting for the aunt to come and collect the dishes. Zhan Xinyue hesitated for a moment: "There are some better breakfast shops a little further away. If you don't like tofu pudding, we can go there to eat."

Shi Ziqian said, "The tofu pudding is pretty good, let's keep it here."

"All right."

The stall owner had already neatly cleared the table and looked at the two girls: "You two are so pretty, have a seat, what would you like to order?"

Zhan Xinyue said, "Two bowls of tofu pudding."

Auntie: "Okay, do you want chili?"

Zhan Xinyue looked at Shi Ziqian, who said, "Anything is fine." Zhan Xinyue nodded and said, "Less spicy, and two more beef patties."

The two sat facing each other at a low square table. The space was cramped, and Shi Ziqian quietly moved his chair back a little before sitting down.

"The tofu pudding here is alright, but the environment is a bit lacking. It'll have to do." Zhan Xinyue took out two tissues and carefully wiped the table in front of her. Then she took out two more tissues and stretched out her hand to wipe the table in front of Shi Ziqian.

"It's fine." Shi Ziqian reached out and took the tissue from her hand. "I can do it myself."

Two steaming bowls of tofu pudding were quickly served. Zhan Xinyue glanced at the metal spoon in the chopstick holder, thought for a moment, got up to get a transparent disposable spoon, handed it to him, and said, "You can use this, it's more hygienic."

Shi Ziqian took it and looked at her for a long time before saying helplessly, "Zhan Xinyue, I'm a boy, I don't have to be so particular, you don't need to accommodate me."

"Is that so?" Zhan Xinyue smiled. She didn't know why, but subconsciously, she always felt that the young master in front of her must be very pampered.

She hadn't tied her hair up today, and as she bent down to eat, strands of hair fell down, which she casually brushed aside with her hand. Shi Ziqian asked, "Do you need a hair tie? I'll go see where I can buy one." Zhan Xinyue shook her head, casually took a disposable chopstick and used it as a hairpin, quickly tying her hair up, saying, "I'm not that particular."

Shi Ziqian must have gotten up very early today. His handsome eyebrows and eyes were tinged with the chill of the morning, making them even darker. But the way he sat opposite her, holding a bowl of tofu pudding and eating it seriously, made him look surprisingly well-behaved.

She stared at him for a while, and suddenly seemed to understand the feelings of her teenage self in the diary.

In their daily interactions, she sometimes felt incredibly close to him, which led to unrealistic fantasies. But more often than not, she realized that an insurmountable chasm separated them, causing her to suffer from anxiety and uncertainty.

Perhaps it was because her scrutinizing gaze was too direct, Shi Ziqian looked up at her, and Zhan Xinyue quickly said, "The taste is alright, isn't it?"

"Yes, it's nice," Shi Ziqian said. "Do you often come here for breakfast?"

"I come here occasionally. Sometimes when my family doesn't make breakfast, I just come out and grab something to eat."

Shi Ziqian nodded, and Zhan Xinyue stopped talking and lowered her head to quietly eat her food.

She actually eats very slowly, used to chewing her food thoroughly. She always lags behind others when eating in the cafeteria, even Xie Wanzhi has to wait for her. Today, Shi Ziqian put down his spoon just after she finished eating, and before she could react, he had already gotten up to pay the bill.

"Didn't you say I was paying?"

Shi Ziqian said, "Next time." She wanted to say something more, but then she saw him gently wiping a thin layer of sweat from his forehead and asked with some confusion, "Why are you sweating so much? Did the spice make you feel hot?"

"It's just a little bit, it's okay," Shi Ziqian said. "I originally planned to go to the hospital with you this afternoon, but it seems a bit too early to go now. How about you come with me to buy some things that Panpan needs first?"

"Sure," Zhan Xinyue said, looking ahead. "We have a long day today, how about we go to the aquarium for a bit later?"