Chapter 86

I never understood what love was like.

Although he didn't show a very obvious reaction to Yu Bai's words, Xu Shen still subconsciously glanced in the direction of Zhan Xinyue's seat when he entered the classroom after lunch.

The seat was empty. Xu Shen chuckled self-deprecatingly, and just as he looked away, someone whispered from the wall, "Xu Shen."

Xu Shen glanced over and saw Zhan Xinyue, who hadn't spoken a single word to him since returning, leaning against the wall by the door for some reason. At that moment, she gently called his name.

Xu Shen glanced into the classroom before looking at her again: "What's wrong?"

"I have something I want to tell you," Zhan Xinyue said.

Xu Shen's eyelids twitched. If he and Yu Bai hadn't just parted ways, he would have suspected that Yu Bai had relayed his words to Zhan Xinyue.

He carefully scanned Zhan Xinyue up and down, but couldn't discern anything amiss, before speaking: "What is it? Speak."

"I..." Zhan Xinyue lowered her head, "I'm too embarrassed to say it at school. How about Saturday? I'll treat you to dinner."

After a long silence, Xu Shen said, "There's no need for that. If you want to say it, then say it; otherwise, just leave it at that."

“You can think about it first, there’s no need to rush to answer me,” Zhan Xinyue said. “Tell me before Friday if you’ve made up your mind.”

Xu Shen neither agreed nor disagreed, and went into the classroom without saying a word.

Xu Shen has not given a reply yet, but he has been zoning out more often in class these past two days.

He couldn't understand what Zhan Xinyue meant, or what the two of them had to say to each other. Before returning to school, he had sworn to himself that he would never, ever humiliate himself again. However, he had to admit that because of her few words, his previously ashen heart began to gleam with a small hope again.

What was she trying to say? A fierce internal struggle raged within him. On one hand, there was the boy's fragile, battered dignity; on the other hand—

Xu Shen glanced at the back of the classroom; everyone had left except for Zhan Xinyue, who was still sitting in the last row. She didn't look up at him or say a word, but he knew she was waiting for his reply.

The two sat facing each other in silence for a long time, as if in a silent standoff. Finally, Xu Shen got up first and walked towards her.

“There’s no one else here. Say what you have to say now,” Xu Shen said.

"We'll talk on Saturday," Zhan Xinyue replied without looking up, her tone stubborn. "We've already agreed. You come to see me on Saturday, and I'll treat you to dinner."

Xu Shen stood in front of her desk, looking down at her, his gaze fixed on her eyelashes. Zhan Xinyue's eyelashes were long and delicate, not overly thick, and they trembled slightly when she lowered her eyes, giving her a fragile beauty.

He suddenly remembered Yu Bai's words from yesterday: that Zhan Xinyue cried when she came to see him. He couldn't quite describe how he felt when he heard that; he was just a little bewildered. Was she crying for him?

"Who agreed to that?" Xu Shen said slowly. "I never agreed."

"And now?" Zhan Xinyue finally raised her head, looking up at him. "Will you come?"

Although her voice was slightly soft and she sounded a little nervous when she asked the question, there was no sign of weakness in her eyes. She just stared at her like a stubborn child, waiting for an answer.

During this time, he had already discovered that Zhan Xinyue was not a girl as weak as she appeared; her personality contained a hidden sharpness and edge. Perhaps this was already the greatest concession she could make.

He always seemed to be the one in a submissive position in front of Zhan Xinyue. This time, let him deceive himself and pretend that she was the one who bowed her head first.

"Okay. What time?" Xu Shen finally said.

Zhan Xinyue's eyes seemed to light up. "Five o'clock in the afternoon?" Xu Shen nodded and handed her a note. "My number. Contact me on Saturday."

Zhan Xinyue reached out and took the number without asking when he had written it down. She simply said, "Okay, I'll call you after I book the restaurant."

She said goodbye to him and got up to leave. Xu Shen stood still, his gaze unconsciously falling on the white chibi-style figure swaying behind her backpack.

He didn't know if he was being pathetic, but maybe he was.

After staring blankly for a while, he finally turned around, ready to go back to his seat, grab his bag, and leave. As he turned, a glimpse caught his eye, and he noticed that Shi Ziqian's black shoulder bag was still hanging on the chair next to him. On the zipper, a somewhat familiar white cartoon figure stood out conspicuously against the black bag.

The cafeteria doesn't prepare dinner on Friday afternoons, and Shi Ziqian doesn't really want to eat by himself, but Panpan needs to be fed.

After feeding Panpan and tidying up the mess it had made, Shi Ziqian was about to sit down when Panpan pounced on him again, rubbing against his legs, as if wanting to go out and play.

Panpan is energetic, clingy, and noisy, invading every inch of his extracurricular space and time without any reason. Fortunately, Shi Ziqian has gradually begun to get used to its presence, because with it, he no longer has to struggle with how to kill those long and empty hours when he is alone.

"Okay, let's go out and play." Before his body even touched the sofa, Shi Ziqian turned around and reluctantly picked up the dog leash. Just as he put it on, his phone rang.

It was Shi Yuesheng who called.

Shi Ziqian stared at the flashing name for a few seconds before answering the phone. "Hello."

Shi Yuesheng skipped the formal greetings and titles, and went straight to the point: "Are you going home this week?"

"I'm not going back, something's come up," Shi Ziqian said.

There was a brief silence on the other end for a few seconds.

Panpan has started scratching at the door restlessly. Ever since it heard the words "go out to play," it has been completely unable to stay still and only wants to push its way out of the door.

Shi Yuesheng spoke again, in a conciliatory tone: "Come back."

Shi Ziqian switched his phone to his other hand, took the dog leash, and pushed the door open: "No, thank you."

“Your mother is back,” Shi Yuesheng said.

Shi Ziqian stopped holding the doorknob.

After a moment, he quietly asked, "So?"

Shi Yuesheng said, "Go and see her."

Shi Ziqian ran his fingers along the dog leash: "She said she wanted to see me?"

Shi Yuesheng fell silent again, and after a while said, "No, this is just my opinion. She didn't contact me, and I only found out by chance that she had returned to China."

Panpan had already rushed out the door with the dog leash, but seeing that Shi Ziqian was still standing there for a long time without moving, she came back and started biting his trouser leg. Shi Ziqian lowered his eyes, slowly hung the other end of the dog leash on the coat rack by the door, held his phone, walked back to the sofa, and sat down without saying a word.

Perhaps Shi Yuesheng gleaned a glimmer of compliance from his silence and continued, "You know, I can no longer see her. But you are different. She is, after all, your mother. I think after all these years, she probably wants to see what you've become."

Shi Ziqian's knuckles were white as he gripped the phone. As the words came through the phone, anger suddenly surfaced on his usually calm face: "What do you take me for, a pet cat or dog? You could kick me away when she didn't want me, but now that she's back, you think I'm using this as a way to curry favor, expecting me to go up to her and wag my tail without any resentment?"

Shi Yuesheng: "How can you say that? No matter what happened, you have to believe that parents always love their children."

"Love, what is love?" Shi Ziqian laughed out loud as if he had heard something extremely funny. After laughing, the sudden anger he had just felt lost and dissipated, returning to a numb indifference. "I have never understood what love is like. But if you think she loves me, then love is a very lowly thing."

Shi Yuesheng paused for a few seconds, then said, "Ziqian, listen to me. Your mother and I were both at fault back then. She took her anger out on you because of me, and I think ultimately, it's my fault..."

Shi Ziqian: "Yes, whether she loves or hates me, it all stems from you. I'm just an insignificant accessory in your love story. When she loves you, she loves me too; when she hates you, she hates me along with you. But I'm a living, breathing person, an independent individual. I don't care about your entanglements, but has she ever considered my feelings for even a moment? I'm her son, not some freebie that came with the purchase!"

He had never lost his composure like this before, as if all the grievances and anger he had accumulated over the past decade had suddenly poured out, leaving Shi Yuesheng speechless with words of comfort. He knew Shi Ziqian's temperament; he seemed indifferent and aloof, but in reality, he didn't care too much about most things, except for this one matter, which he had never been able to let go of.

Shi Yue softened his tone: "I didn't mean to force you. I'm just telling you my expectations. As for whether you go or not, it's up to you."

“I won’t go,” Shi Ziqian sneered. “But if you can’t let her go and want to cheat on your wife again, I’d be happy to see that happen.”

"Enough!" Shi Yuesheng finally lost his temper. "Watch your tone of voice when you speak to me. I am your father!"

"Is that enough? Fine," Shi Ziqian said. "I have absolutely no interest in what's going on between you and your ex-wife—no, I should say your ex-ex-wife—and I have no intention of getting involved. Is there anything else? If not, I'm hanging up."

Shi Yuesheng took a deep breath, lowered his voice, and tried to remain calm: "I'll only tell you one thing, I heard she's only been back for a little over a week before leaving again, and I don't know when she'll be back. I don't want you to regret it. If you want to see her, I'll give you her address..."

Shi Ziqian hung up the phone without hesitation.

The room fell silent for a moment.

He tossed his phone onto the sofa, sat for a while, then gradually leaned back on the sofa as if all his strength had given out, and tilted his head back.

The word "mother" is too distant for him, so distant that even her face in his memory is blurry.

Zhu Sheng and Zhu Qing look very similar, yet not quite. If Zhu Qing's beauty is subtle and reserved, like an orchid growing silently in a quiet place, with all her charm hidden between unspoken words, then Zhu Sheng is like a peony in full bloom, proud and flamboyant, dazzling and captivating, every smile and frown enough to move the heart.

In Shi Ziqian's earliest memories, her family may have had a happy life, but what she remembers most are the endless arguments between her and Shi Yuesheng. Even over the smallest things, neither of them would back down, insisting on fighting until they became hysterical, hurling the most vicious words at each other without stopping.

At times like this, Shi Ziqian would always stand alone behind the sofa watching the two of them, blankly, unable to even cry.

This went on for a long time. They divorced and fought a long legal battle for his custody. In the end, Zhu Sheng won custody. But she never took him out for a single day. From day one, she left him at his grandmother's house in the countryside where she lived alone. It seemed that all she cared about was fighting with Shi Yuesheng and making things difficult for him, rather than actually fighting for custody.

Shi Ziqian had no choice but to stay at his maternal grandmother's house without a word. His grandmother comforted him, saying, "Your parents can't stand each other, they're a match made in heaven. They won't separate, and they'll take you back home soon." He believed her. Although his parents often argued, they were still a complete family. Unfortunately, a long time passed, and there was still no sign of reconciliation. He gradually went from a temporary resident to a permanent one.

Zhu Sheng would occasionally come back to visit him and his grandmother. At first, he was quite kind to him, bringing him interesting little trinkets each time he returned. Life in the countryside was monotonous, and counting down the days until Zhu Sheng's return became a habit for him.

But soon everything changed again. Grandma was wrong. Shi Yuesheng remarried, and Zhu Sheng and he would never get back together.

Zhu Sheng started coming back very rarely, and when he did come back, he would ignore him, always tilting his chin up as if he were invisible, and wouldn't say a word to him.

At that time, Shi Ziqian was too young to understand what it meant to take one's anger out on someone else, but he could keenly sense that Zhu Sheng didn't like seeing him anymore. So he stopped bothering her and instead made a fool of himself by getting in her way. When she came back, he would only glance at her from afar before hiding in the bushes to watch grasshoppers play.

Before he could understand what love was, he had already keenly experienced the feeling of not being loved.

Later, Zhu Sheng simply went abroad. She completely broke free from her past failed marriage and life, and even the product of that failed marriage was completely abandoned. Shi Ziqian thought that the word "abandoned" wasn't quite accurate. In fact, when she hated Shi Yue to the point of leaving for a foreign country alone, she probably didn't even think about the fact that she had a son she needed to take responsibility for.

He was nothing more than a bonus in her relationship with Shi Yuesheng. When the love faded, he, as a bonus, lost his value.

Since then, he has spent many years living a very lonely life with his grandmother. This stubborn old lady became taciturn after her grandfather passed away, insisted on staying in her old home and refused to move out. She worked from sunrise to sunset every day and rarely even turned on the TV.

The families around the house all moved to places facing the street, and there were no other children his age around. He would always sit alone in the yard on a small stool, lost in thought, which is why he started speaking later than his peers.

After Shi Yuesheng visited him a few times, he and Zhu Sheng started fighting for custody of him across the border again, but Zhu Sheng never gave in.

Until he was seven or eight years old, whether Zhu Sheng finally let go of the past and relented, or Shi Yuesheng's new lawyer proved too capable, he finally won the case and brought him to live with him. But by then, Shi Yuesheng already had a new family and new children. Shi Ziqian felt out of place in his new home, like a ghost, still ignored and disregarded, just like Zhu Sheng had treated him that year. So he remained taciturn, only finding a brief sense of belonging when he returned to his grandmother's house during winter and summer vacations.

But later, my grandmother passed away.

He couldn't blame Zhu Sheng for not wanting him or loving him. Zhu Sheng's love and hate were both thorough; she was passionate when in love and resolute when she didn't, abandoning everyone and everything related to that relationship without hesitation. He had long since accepted all of this. But the one thing he couldn't forgive her for was that Zhu Sheng hadn't returned from abroad until his grandmother passed away.

She can be unkind to him, but she cannot be so disrespectful to her grandmother.

Moreover, that was the only time in his memory when he hoped she would be by his side.

Night had crept in from the balcony, enveloping the sofa and completely engulfing him. He suddenly realized he had been sitting in the dark for too long, rubbed his brow bone, and whispered, "Panpan."

There was no response.

The room was quiet and empty.

Shi Ziqian suddenly felt a chill in his heart, abruptly got up, turned on the light, and strode towards the door.

Panpan wasn't there, and its leash was gone too.

The door was open, and it took him a while to realize that he had pushed it open himself. Panpan somehow ripped off the hanging dog leash and slipped out on her own.