Chapter 32: Delusion is indeed unfair, exploitative, and harmful...

"Tell me, Awei."

Xiao Lingjun tightened his grip on Shen Zhiwei's wrist with such force that he almost crushed her bones, but the next moment he relaxed slightly as if realizing something.

He took a step closer, completely enveloping her in his shadow, and the elegant pine scent around him was replaced by a more chaotic smell.

"As long as you ask, I will give you everything. I can give you far more than he can, and more thoroughly than he can."

His breathing was disordered, bloodshot eyes were spreading, but his chest was not rising or falling.

Shen Zhiwei looked at him, watching his usually calm mask completely crumble, and the desolate pain in his eyes. Her heart felt like it was being tightly grasped by an ice-cold hand, aching with pain.

Even in the last few years of his previous life, the gloom and paranoia between his brows were always neatly covered by a warm mask.

Instead of being like this now, with his dignity shattered in front of her, bloodily dissecting the most unbearable part of his heart, just to seek a vague answer.

"Your Highness," she took a deep breath, then realized her voice was trembling as she spoke. "Please calm down."

After she finished speaking, she felt a little funny. It was obvious that both of them were not very calm, and they were far from what they knew each other to be.

"Calm down?" Xiao Lingjun chuckled softly, "How do you want me to calm down? Ah Wei... tell me, how should I calm down?"

His fingertips slid down her wrist and gently held her hand. His action was filled with an almost pious cherishment, but the suppressed strength revealed the danger of losing control.

"Ah Wei, tell me, what should I do..." His voice dropped to a whisper. "In the past ten years, I gave you everything I had, protecting you, using you, and... hurting you. I know that drug is bone-eating and heart-wrenching, and I know you can't sleep all night."

"I always wonder, if I wasn't the crown prince, if I didn't fight for that position, would you not have to take those medicines, and would you be able to live longer?"

"In this life, I am very cautious and dare not push you any further. I just want to protect you and let you live in peace and happiness."

"But why... why did you still go to him? Even though he is a stranger to you in this life... That day, you could have ignored him."

Shen Zhiwei opened his mouth, his throat dry and painful. Facing Xiao Lingjun like this, he couldn't utter a single word of the distant and rational words he had prepared long ago.

She knew, she had always known. When the bowls of medicine were handed to her, he trembled slightly at his fingertips, and she deliberately ignored the struggle and pain in his eyes.

From the very beginning, their relationship had been entangled with too much helplessness and mutual torture. She drank poison to quench her thirst, and he, while personally feeding her the poison, was also torturing himself thousands of times.

She did have a soft heart towards Xiao Wangqing, and she had a sense of responsibility that came from their past life, which she herself might not even be clear about.

Shen Zhiwei was nailed to the spot by the intense despair and questioning in his eyes, and was speechless for a moment.

What can I say?

That she had no personal feelings for Xiao Wangqing? That it was just a tiny pity? That in her heart, Xiao Lingjun was far more important than Xiao Wangqing?

But these words seemed so pale and powerless in front of Xiao Lingjun, who was almost collapsed at this moment.

She had indeed softened her heart towards Xiao Wangqing time and time again. In her past life, and in this life.

She looked at Xiao Lingjun's red eyes, his face twisted in pain, and a wave of overwhelming emotion surged in her heart...

Sadness and heartache.

She didn't think she had done anything wrong. Saving a dying person was a matter of course for her. But facing Xiao Lingjun, she couldn't refute him with any confidence.

His feelings for her were so heavy that she couldn't breathe, but they were also so real that she couldn't ignore them.

"Your Highness," she slowed her voice, and gently placed her other hand on the back of his hand, which was tightly clasped. Her fingertips were cold, yet contained a soothing touch. "I did not choose him."

He stared at her blankly, as if he didn't understand.

"I didn't choose him," Shen Zhiwei repeated, "I saved him, regardless of who he is. Your Highness, if anyone else had fallen there, I would have gone to take a look."

Xiao Lingjun's breathing seemed to stop for a moment, and the madness and pain in his eyes solidified. He stared at her intently, as if trying to discern the truth of his words from her face.

"Anyone?" He murmured again, his voice hoarse. "Then tell me, Wei, why is it always him? Why is the way you look at him... always different?"

Shen Zhiwei was silent.

Why?

She herself couldn't explain it. Perhaps it was because, curled up in the snow, he looked so much like her younger sister back then, and saving him might convince the crown prince to be cruel.

Although the effect proved to be minimal.

Later, perhaps it was because there was always a kind of reckless stubbornness in those eyes, like wildfire, which made her, a person who had long been cold, inexplicably irritated.

Xiao Wangqing was like a piece of dog-skin plaster that couldn't be thrown away. It was like that in his past life, and it seemed to be the same in this life. She hadn't done anything, but he always came up to her on his own.

Every insignificant helping hand she extended, perhaps a fox fur, a bottle of medicine slipped secretly to him, or a seemingly unintentional suggestion, was like a stone thrown into a deep pool, unable to stir up the slightest ripple, but it would always be exchanged for his repayment a thousandfold in the future.

It's so troublesome, but I don't know how to get rid of it.

Shen Zhiwei's silence spread under the shade of the trees.

Xiao Lingjun stopped asking questions and just looked at her. His eyes, which always contained the warmth of spring breeze, were now soaked with thick despair and paranoia.

It wasn't a question, but something deeper, like a dying person grabbing at the last piece of driftwood, knowing it was useless but unable to let go.

Shen Zhiwei met his gaze, and the guilty feeling in her heart, which she herself was not even aware of, was suddenly burned by this look, and a fine stinging pain appeared.

She was not the type of person who would allow others to push her so aggressively. If it were someone else, they would have turned cold and walked away.

But he is Xiao Lingjun.

He was the one who took off his fox fur coat and wrapped her in the cold dungeon, the one who stayed up all night reading medical books by her bedside, the one who... personally handed the poison to her, but the pain in his eyes was deeper than hers.

After all, she treated him differently.

Even if this difference has nothing to do with romance.

“Your Highness,” Shen Zhiwei sighed and finally spoke, “In what capacity are you asking me this?”

Xiao Lingjun's pupils suddenly shrank.

Shen Zhiwei didn't look away and continued, "Is it because the crown prince questioned me for helping the prince privately, causing controversy? Or is it..."

"Xiao Lingjun is asking Shen Zhiwei why he helps others again and again?"

She gently pulled her hand back, and this time, Xiao Lingjun did not try to stop her, allowing the slightly cool fingertips to slip from his hot palm.

"If it's the former, Your Highness can punish me for spying on the prince's whereabouts and behaving inappropriately. I accept the punishment without complaint."

"If it's the latter..." She tilted her head slightly and looked at An Yu, who was carefully stroking the foal's mane in the distance. "Your Highness, the relationship between us has never been one where you can ask such a question."

It's not a relationship where you can ask "why him and not me?"

From the beginning, it was a transaction between them.

He gave her life-extending poison and protection, and she gave him her dedicated assistance and loyalty.

They shared the deepest secrets and inflicted the most profound hurt on each other.

In such an entanglement, mixing a little softness towards others seems ridiculous and extravagant.

Xiao Lingjun's face gradually paled, becoming even uglier than before. It wasn't anger, but a kind of dejection after his disguise was completely exposed.

He seemed to have been drained of all his strength suddenly. His upright shoulders slumped slightly. He took half a step back and leaned against the rough tree trunk.

The shadows of the trees swayed, and spots of light fell into his unfocused eyes.

"Yeah..." His laugh was hollow, "The relationship between us... from the beginning, it wasn't that kind of relationship."

He raised his hand and pressed hard between his eyebrows, his fingertips were cold.

"I lost my composure." When he put his hand down again, the terrifying madness and pain in the prince's eyes had been forced down by force. "It's just that Awei..."

He looked at her, his voice so low it almost melted into the wind. There was no roar, no tears, not even a trembling.

"Don't let me see it again."

"Don't make me think that you chose him again."

Shen Zhiwei’s fingertips curled slightly in his sleeves, and he sighed inwardly.

Of course she understood.

This wasn't a gentle warning from the crown prince, but a near-desperate ultimatum from Xiao Lingjun after he'd stripped away all pretense. Beneath that calm tone swirled a panic that couldn't withstand another loss, a paranoia that would completely spiral out of control if touched again.

She raised her eyes and looked at the young-looking Xiao Lingjun who was leaning against the tree trunk.

The sunlight filtered through the gaps between the branches and leaves, casting flickering spots of light on his pale face, revealing the suppressed madness and fragility.

She suddenly remembered a long time ago, it was also an afternoon like this, perhaps without wind.

At that time, Xiao Lingjun had just argued with the old emperor and saved the imperial censor who had angered the emperor by speaking frankly. There was still a trace of fatigue and depression between his brows.

He dismissed his attendants and sat alone under the window, stroking the jade pendant that matched her with his fingertips, staring at the snow in the courtyard in a trance.

As she came forward to serve tea, she heard him call her. His voice was still gentle, but so low that only she could hear it.

"Ah Wei, if one day I had to do something...that neither you nor I wanted to see, what would you do?"

How did she respond?

She seemed to just lower her eyes, pushing the warm teacup closer to his hand, and smiled calmly: "Your Highness is the king, and you will make your own decisions. I only need to know that there must be a compelling reason for what Your Highness did."

She could see that he was very tired. He was silent for a long time before looking up at her. His laughter was filled with indescribable weariness: "Yes, I have no choice..."

Later she learned that the price he paid for saving the censor that day was his tacit consent to his political enemies sending the censor's only son to a distant, cold land. The young man, brilliant and promising, had his future cut short.

Xiao Lingjun never mentioned this matter, and she pretended not to know.

It was always like this between them. So many things had to happen, so many things couldn't be said, layer upon layer, completely burying even the slightest bit of warmth that might have existed at first, leaving only a parasitic bond between them.

When they wanted to separate them, they found that their flesh and blood had already stuck together and could not be separated.

In his previous life, he asked her to help Lin Chuyu put on her wedding dress and sit in the bridal sedan.

At the time, she simply thought he had weighed the pros and cons and placed her in the most dangerous position, ensuring the safety of her true position as Crown Princess. She even prepared a dagger, ready to commit suicide in the sedan chair if her plan failed, to avoid jeopardizing the reputation of the Eastern Palace.

But she never thought deeply about why the wedding dress fit her so well, and why the weight of the phoenix crown was exactly the limit she could bear.

How could such precise measurements be achieved without daily observation and careful attention to every inch?

Perhaps deep in the heart of that thoughtful crown prince, there was also a trace of delusion that he could not tell others.

If fate is kind and nothing goes wrong, perhaps I can use this opportunity to become her husband and wife one day.

But before this delusion could see the light of day, it was completely shattered by Xiao Wangqing's blood-stained sword. Before the bridal sedan arrived, a coup raged. Everything he had carefully planned, along with that hidden hope, was shattered.

Shen Zhiwei looked at Xiao Lingjun, who was almost swallowed by anxiety and paranoia, and in the end he could not say anything to blame or push him away.

He did treat her unfairly, exploited her, and hurt her.

But he really gave her everything he could, even though the emotions were so heavy that they were suffocating and so twisted that they were almost pathological.

"Your Highness," she shook her head gently, her tone somewhat helpless, "there won't be a second time."

Xiao Lingjun's body trembled, and he stared at her intently, as if trying to find any trace of perfunctory or deception on her face.

But no.

Shen Zhiwei met his gaze and continued slowly: "I have said that saving him has nothing to do with who he is. If Your Highness does not like it, I will avoid suspicion in the future."

This was not the promise he most wanted to hear, but it was the maximum indulgence she could give at the moment.

The Crown Prince wasn't as easy to coax as the Third Prince, but he opened his mouth, the madness in his eyes eventually faded, and he spoke in a dry voice: "...Okay."

He believed everything she said.

At this moment, there was a slight commotion not far away, mixed with the neighing of horses and the low exclamations of servants.

Shen Zhiwei and Xiao Lingjun turned their heads to look at the same time.

"Third Prince, this is..."

"Get out of the way."

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Author's words: About Xiao Lingjun

In his previous life, Shen Zhiwei never saw his last expression, nor did he ever ask Xiao Wangqing whether he left any words behind.

She didn't dare to look, listen, or ask.