Chapter 203 Tears: The first time I'd ever seen her cry like this.

In the evening, the fireplace, which had been quiet for so long, was lit again. This autumn seemed to have come colder than usual, making the burning flames seem even warmer.

After taking a bath, Qiao Yanshen held an oil lamp, pushed open the door, and slowly walked into the hall.

Their room was always simply furnished, with only the most basic table, chairs, and cushions. Aside from the occasional seasonal decorations Shen Lixia would bring back, that was a long time ago. She would be gone for months or even years at a time, and when she returned, only the plants, nourished by abundant spiritual energy, would still be alive; the rest would always be covered in dust.

She had just placed the oil lamp on the small table when Shen Lixia flicked her finger, and a cluster of flame lit the wick, silently filling the space between them with light. The boy had changed into a loose-fitting long robe, the collar slightly open, the golden firelight enveloping him in a soft glow, spreading along the hem of his robe to her cheeks, neck, and collarbone.

“It feels like it’s been a while since we sat together and talked like this,” Shen Lixia said lightly, taking down the blanket folded and hanging on the back of the chair and handing it to Qiao Yanshen. She watched as Qiao Yanshen covered her knees with the blanket, her golden eyes shimmering gently as she gazed intently at her.

Qiao Yan nodded. "Yes, it has been a long time." Her voice sounded a little hoarse, and her eyes showed a hint of fatigue when she lowered them.

They sat facing each other, their eyes occasionally meeting. Qiao Yanshen seemed to be burned and quickly looked away; Shen Lixia, on the other hand, slightly raised the corners of her lips, as if she was waiting patiently.

The images of war and bloodshed lingered in their minds throughout the long night, and even sitting here, it felt like waking from a deep dream, as if they had been transported to another world. In the silence, the lingering pain from their unhealed wounds gave them a subtle feeling of surviving a catastrophe.

But this is hardly a cause for joy, because the survivors have a lot to bear.

In this moment of calm, everything that had not been dealt with before was like an undercurrent, gathering dark clouds, brewing into a storm that was about to rage. But they were too tired, so they held on to a fragile support, delaying the arrival of the storm.

Time seemed to stand still until Shen Lixia's lips moved and she softly uttered a sentence:

"We're lighting the eternal lamps tomorrow, everyone go together. Speaking of which, I really didn't expect Junior Sister Wu to leave..."

She sighed, her gaze falling on the oil lamp, focusing on the flickering flame. At that moment, Qiao Yanshen's features became blurred, appearing and disappearing behind the firelight, like looking at flowers through a mist.

"No, I should say I never expected her to betray the sect."

Qiao Yanshen said in a low voice, "Actually, even if it wasn't her, someone else would have done it. Their target has always been this place."

"But why does it have to be her?" Shen Lixia asked subconsciously, then paused. "I know I've always been a bit too biased. But Senior Sister... even after something like this happened, I can't convince myself to hate her."

Her words, like raindrops pattering down, mingled with the sounds of the crackling fire in the stove; she had been holding it in for so long, and now she longed to pour it all out.

"I can't understand the demons who brought this disaster, I can't understand why Wangshu—Si Liuhua—would destroy this place. If revenge means repeating the catastrophe, then I'm afraid I'll never be able to do it... They, even Junior Sister Wu, are utterly wicked, but in my remaining memories of my past life, the demons weren't like this. Immortal Master Wangshu would work tirelessly to save lives. If I went back to Xiaoshang Village and asked Doctor Gu about her impression of her, she would still say that she was a kind person..."

Shen Lixia raised her hand to wipe her eyes. To her slight surprise, this time there were no tears.

She took a deep breath and continued, "Junior Sister Wu... the laughter she heard after distributing food to those refugees must have been genuine. She was truly happy to do these things; she wasn't lying to us the whole time."

That moonlit night, she heard Wu Zhuyue's almost breathless laughter, but she didn't know that it was the sound of unrestrained sobbing amidst flowing tears.

"I don't know what to do." Shen Lixia slumped dejectedly on the table, her voice muffled through the fabric, "If..."

If only Master were still here.

Having seen and experienced so much, Yan Xueya, if the world isn't simply black and white, would surely be able to point them in the right direction and tell them...

What to believe and what to do.

The world suddenly felt unfamiliar, and she briefly returned to a state of bewilderment, like an infant who had lost its mother.

But nothing would give her a moment to stop. Knowing this, even when speaking her heart, Shen Lixia's voice remained perfectly calm. As if her tears had suddenly dried, she didn't utter a single sob, only a sense of melancholy welled up in her eyes.

The last half of the sentence was left unsaid, but Qiao Yanshen already understood. They had always been very familiar with each other's thoughts.

Her lips moved, and she silently lowered her eyes. After a long while, she said, "These things don't conflict. You don't necessarily have to hate anyone. Because you remember each of their pasts and sympathize with their hardships... Master has always been teaching us to learn to let go and give ourselves some breathing space."

Along with the gentle voice came the young man's fingertips, which crossed the firelight and gently rested on the back of her hand.

"Perhaps, what we should do is prevent this from happening again."

—She couldn't convince herself either.

The belated hatred pierced Qiao Yanshen like a spear. Life gradually calmed down, but whenever she found a corpse under the rubble or saw ruins, she felt a chill spreading through her heart. She hated Luo You, and she hated the person who brought all of this to the forefront.

Forgiveness and separation are never easy things.

Yet she also understood so clearly that it was pointless to repay hatred with hatred.

It's good that I can't bring myself to hate them.

“You can have your own answer too.” She finished speaking and smiled slightly.

Speaking of their grievances, haven't those people already received their just deserts?

Wu Zhuyue, who used to fear falling behind and diligently cultivated her skills, crippled her own cultivation, but even so, she couldn't salvage something truly precious that she had lost; Luo You... she had died twice and was now living a life worse than death, and Qiao Yanshen didn't even know what pain she felt; as for Si Liuhua...

Her tragedy was settled long ago.

“However…” Qiao Yanshen’s fingers, which were resting on Shen Lixia’s hand, tightened slightly, “I wonder how Senior Sister Tang is doing.”

Tang Huairou was severely injured and remains unconscious. She heard from Chi Yueying that if her condition improves, she might wake up in months or years; if the worst-case scenario is that she will never wake up—

When the topic of loss comes up, it naturally leads to a subject that both of them deliberately avoided.

Shen Lixia mumbled slightly, "Maybe it'll be better soon...it definitely won't be long. By the way, speaking of which, Senior Sister Yun and Senior Sister Yue have also gone back. They're busy with sect affairs, so we probably won't see each other for a long time. But Xihe Palace and Wuji Sword Sect will definitely get better. It's just a pity we won't even have time to see each other again—"

At this moment, Qiao Yanshen suddenly stood up. She withdrew her hand, letting the blanket slide off her knees, and walked to Shen Lixia's side.

Shen Lixia raised her eyes, but couldn't see the expression on Qiao Yanshen's face under the heavy shadows of the lamplight. Her eyesight was excellent, but Qiao Yanshen's brows and eyes seemed to be filled with a thick fog of late autumn. As she lowered her head, this fog-like emotion gathered even more, like a cold, continuous drizzle.

It's even harder to see clearly now.

In a daze, it even seemed to become distant.

But the next moment, Qiao Yanshen bent down and rested his cheek on her knee.

Her long hair cascaded down, like wisps of ink-black clouds. After a moment, Qiao Yanshen slowly relaxed, pressing his weight between Shen Lixia's thighs. She maintained this kneeling posture, burying her face in it, as if trying to conceal all her emotions.

Shen Lixia's breath hitched for only a moment before she subconsciously raised her hand and gently stroked it. Her fingertips lingered in Qiao Yanshen's hair, finally resting on the back of his neck, gently caressing it.

Qiao Yanshen said in a muffled voice, "Let me lean on it for a while."

She lowered her head, and the fiery, lighthearted tone in her voice disappeared, replaced by a soft, slow whisper: "Okay."

Although she rarely heard Qiao Yanshen mention the past, Shen Lixia intuitively felt that this might be a gesture that would put her at ease.

She was right.

The caress on the back of his neck was full of affection, much better than the silence Qiao Yanshen remembered, and without any hint of control. His mother had done this before; when she occasionally slept on his lap or carefully placed her pillow under him, women would do this. It seemed that even the least expressive woman could involuntarily reveal a touch of tenderness in his embrace, letting her fingertips linger on the boy's hair and neck.

Although the cool sensation as it brushed against the back of her neck sent a shiver down Qiao Yanshen's spine, she was still reassured by it.

However, Shen Lixia's fingers were different. They were warm inside and out, even her fingertips were warmed by the firelight. Every caress and touch was like planting a flame, as if her tenderness was overflowing from her fingertips, inevitably burning Qiao Yanshen.

"Senior sister..." Shen Lixia touched the soft, wispy strands of hair at the base of her head and couldn't help but find them exceptionally adorable. "What do you want to eat tomorrow? Do you want to try some snacks? I packed some milk cakes earlier..."

Qiao Yanshen did not answer her.

They were enveloped in each other's presence. Shen Lixia's eyes dimmed slightly, and she felt momentarily at a loss. She didn't know if Qiao Yanshen would choose to tell her his thoughts. Perhaps it was because Qiao Yanshen was pressing his softest spot against her, and she could almost feel the fragile, burning touch of his eye sockets through the fabric of her thigh; perhaps it was the overwhelming sadness permeating the silence that made Shen Lixia's heart clench.

Then, the dry, burning sensation on her knee suddenly materialized as Qiao Yanshen's tense shoulders and the sound of her inhaling breath rolled down, becoming a small wet patch on her knee. This wet patch didn't stop; instead, it grew hotter and deeper, spreading continuously.

Shen Lixia paused her hand on the back of her neck, then moved to her shoulder and back, patting it slowly and gently. After a while, she carefully reached out and placed her hand on her knee, squeezing into the damp crevice, and resting it on Qiao Yanshen's tear-streaked face.

Her hands were warm, but her skin was still cool, as if the scalding tears could not keep up with the cooling speed, nor could they wash away the unforgettable pain.

Without needing to say anything, she already knew Qiao Yanshen's thoughts, as if his fingertips had touched her heart through her tears, and she understood everything from the temperature and the beating of his heart.

Qiao Yanshen choked back a sob. The salty breath enveloped her. She hesitated for a moment, then finally turned her shoulder away, letting Chen Lixia lift her cheek.

Her dark eyes reflected the flickering firelight, and tears streamed endlessly within them, like a quietly flowing river. When Shen Lixia's gaze met hers, her deep eyes were filled with clear, shallow water, and she poured out her heart to her without reservation.

This was the first time Shen Lixia had ever seen her cry like this. In her memory, Qiao Yanshen was never one to shed tears easily; even when he was most wronged, he would only shed a few tears before quickly stopping. But now, the young man's cheeks were soaked, glistening with moisture.

She sniffled and wiped away the tear stains, only to be overwhelmed by another torrent of tears. For the first time, she couldn't stop crying and felt somewhat lost.

Qiao Yanshen said in a low voice, "Li Xia..."

“I…” She pursed her lips, taking several breaths to calm herself down and form a complete sentence, “I still can’t accept it right now.”

I can't accept that I'll never see Yan Xueya again.

I can't accept everything that's happening now.

Tears slid down and accumulated in Shen Lixia's palm.

“In the days since you woke up, I have had trouble sleeping every night… Every time I close my eyes, I think of Master and the New Year we spent together. I could see her just a few days ago during the competition—why didn’t I spend more time with her during the New Year? Why didn’t I see her more often in the past few days? Aunt Changyi said that Master’s soul has already scattered, and even reincarnation is no longer possible.”

“There won’t even be reincarnation… there won’t be.” She repeated it again.

The last glimmer of hope has vanished.

Qiao Yanshen bit his lip. "The sword tassel is also lost... I've searched for so long, looked everywhere, but I still can't find it. My aunts and the others are also very weak. Everything is different from before..."

Her voice was frequently interrupted by uncontrollable sobs.

"I don't know what to do. Sometimes, I even wish I would never open my eyes again and never face tomorrow."

It wasn't until we ate together today that she realized the food actually tasted somewhat good.

Only when Shen Lixia opened her eyes did the pain she had been suppressing finally find a way to escape, and it stopped churning up and tormenting her all the time.

“You’ve suffered such a serious injury. Even if it heals, the pain will be forever etched in your memory. I’m so worried about you… If it weren’t for the divine fire’s ability to regenerate—but even so, I’m still terrified.”

I clearly wanted to stop her from suffering.

Qiao Yan closed his eyes tightly.

The underlying guilt finally became clear, prompting her to speak her mind:

"I'm so afraid that one day you'll leave my side too..."

I fear that she may never be found again, no matter where in the world she may be.

At that moment, Qiao Yanshen felt Shen Lixia's lips kissing her eyes.

Soft, dry, I caressed it tenderly.

"I won't leave my senior sister." After saying that, Shen Lixia reached out and gently wrapped her arms around Qiao Yanshen.

She smiled, rested her chin on Qiao Yanshen's hair, and repeated it once more.

"I won't leave my senior sister... It's so good that you're willing to tell me these things."

Otherwise, she really didn't know how to get her to talk about it. It was a hidden wound, and perhaps only when Qiao Yanshen spoke up on his own initiative, rather than being touched by outsiders, would it not rupture and bleed.

Shen Lixia had been waiting.

She felt fortunate, and her fingers unconsciously tightened around each other, as if they would never be separated.

She had only one thought in her mind.

It's so great that my senior sister is willing to share these things with her.

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Author's note: Reviewer, could you please take a look? This isn't just skirting the line, it's crying, it's crying, wiping away tears!