Happy birthday

Snow fell quietly on the black umbrella.

Xu Yan slowly stood up, his movements stiff from kneeling for so long. Lu Ziyi's appearance was completely unexpected, and for a moment he even suspected he was hallucinating from the cold and sadness. His movements to his feet were stiff and slow, not just from his body freezing, but also from his brain processing the overwhelming onslaught of information.

But the look he gave Lu Ziyi was an unprecedented calmness, even a subtle scrutiny. He said nothing, simply looking quietly at the man who held up a snow-free sky for him.

Lu Zi was also somewhat bewildered by his gaze. He had anticipated Xu Yan's anger, indifference, or perhaps another flight, but he had not expected this almost calm composure. His Adam's apple rolled, a thousand words swirling in his heart, but in the end, he only repeated his pale opening line:

"haven't seen you for a long time."

Xu Yan's gaze moved from his face to his fingers, which were red from the cold and holding the umbrella, and then back to his bottomless eyes, which were now full of tension.

Before Xu Yan spoke, his deep voice penetrated the snow curtain first, carrying a complex and solemn meaning:

"Happy 20th birthday, Xu Yan."

He accurately called out his current name. In this situation, this sentence did not have the slightest celebratory joy, but instead sounded like a heavy promise, a confirmation that spanned time - I remember everything, remember your pain, and remember your new life.

Xu Yan paused for a moment because of this unexpected blessing. He looked at Lu Ziyi, his eyes almost overflowing with a mixture of heartache, guilt, and a certain determination.

"Yes," he finally spoke, his voice was very soft, with the chill of a snowy day, but extremely clear.

Lu Ziyi took a deep breath of cold air and tried to make his voice sound steady: "I... received the letter."

He didn't say "reply", but only "letter", as if the note with only seven words was some kind of sacred decree.

"Yeah." Xu Yan responded, as if it was a perfectly normal thing. He lowered his head, patted the snow on his knees, and asked casually, "So, are you here to celebrate my birthday with me, or... to let me vent my anger?"

He mentioned the contents of the letter, and in an almost understated tone, threw the heavy proposition concerning all the past entanglements back to Lu Ziyi.

Lu Zi was stunned. All the words he'd prepared, all the apologies, all the explanations, seemed so inappropriate at this moment. He looked at Xu Yan's calm profile and suddenly realized that the man before him was completely different from a year ago. He was no longer the Cheng Xiaorui who needed to be protected, arranged, and easily broken. He was Xu Yan, an independent individual with his own rhythm and strength.

This realization sent a huge shock through his heart, and with it came a deeper emotion, a mixture of loss and relief.

Lu Ziyi was silent for a moment. When he spoke again, his voice was filled with a kind of frankness that was almost desperate: "What if I say... all of them?"

Xu Yan finally raised his eyes and looked at him again. Snowflakes landed on his eyelashes, quickly melting into tiny droplets. He looked at the cautious anticipation in Lu Ziyi's eyes, and the nervousness he couldn't quite control. He suddenly felt that the once aloof and in control Lu Ziyi now seemed a little... pitiful.

He didn't answer "yes" or "no."

He simply tilted his head slightly, indicating the direction of the cemetery exit, and said softly in a casual tone, as if to say, "It's a nice day today":

"It's snowing heavily, and it's cold standing here. Let's find a place to sit down and talk."

After saying that, he took the lead and walked out of the umbrella's range and into the falling snow. He didn't look back, but he knew that the man would definitely catch up with him.

Because he is no longer someone who needs to hide under an umbrella.

And the fact that he allowed him to keep up was, in itself, an answer.

They walked in silence, one after the other, down the snow-covered street. Finally, Xu Yan pushed open the door of a quiet cafe. The bell rang crisply. Warm air rushed in, instantly melting the chill from both of them.

They found a booth closest to the back, Xu Yan ordered a hot American coffee, and Lu Ziyi asked for a glass of water.

After a brief silence, Lu Ziyi spoke first. His voice was a little more relaxed than when he was in the snow, but still cautious:

"In the South... are you doing well?"

This question is very common, but it is what he wants to know the most and is also the one he is most afraid to know the answer to.

Xu Yan felt the warmth of the cup with his fingertips, not looking up. "As you can see," he said calmly, "I'm still alive, and living... more like a human being than when I was with you."

These words were like a needle, gently pricking Lu Ziyi. He tightened his grip on the water glass but didn't argue.

"That letter," Xu Yan suddenly raised his eyes and looked at him with clear eyes, "What do the three words 'I'll wait for you' mean?"

Lu Ziyi seemed to have not expected him to be so direct. He was stunned for a moment, then smiled bitterly.

"That's exactly what I meant. When you're... ready to face me, whether it's to yell at me, hit me, or..." He paused, his voice trailing off, "... or tell me you're still mad at me."

He quoted what Xu Yan wrote in his reply, which made Xu Yan slightly stunned.

"I have a lot of questions to ask you," Xu Yan stopped dwelling on those three words and asked, "First, why did you go there?" He was referring to the cemetery.

"It's a habit." Lu Ziyi answered quickly, as if he had rehearsed the answer countless times in his mind. "Ever since you left, I've been there on these two days within the past two years. On your death anniversary, I'm visiting Aunt Cheng on your behalf. On your birthday... I'm hoping you'll come back."

This answer made Xu Yan stop stirring his coffee. He hadn't expected that Lu Zi would also participate in this way during his absence.

"Why?" Xu Yan asked. This time, he was asking about the root of everything.

Lu Ziyi looked at him deeply, as if she had finally made up her mind: "Because when I was eight years old, on that rainy day, and because later, I saw you shouldering everything by yourself, so stubborn and pitiful, I wanted to pull you to my side, using my own way... even though that way was ridiculously wrong."

He took a deep breath and finally said the most important sentence, "Because I like you, Xu Yan. I started to like you when I was 8 years old. By the time I realized it later, I didn't know how to treat you properly."

The air seemed to freeze.

Xu Yan listened quietly, his face expressionless. He just picked up the coffee and took a sip. Then, he put the cup down with a slight "click".

"Lu Ziyi," he looked at her with a calm expression, "Your love has caused me a lot of suffering."

This statement contained no anger or resentment, but simply stated a fact. And it was this calm statement that was more powerful than any accusation.

Lu Ziyi's shoulders slumped, his eyes filled with self-blame and pain: "I know. I'm sorry..."

"I don't want to hear sorry today." Xu Yan interrupted him. He looked out the window. The snow seemed to have lightened a little. "I received your apology, but whether or not to forgive you, and when to forgive you, is up to me."

Lu Ziyi nodded immediately: "I understand."

"Today is my birthday." Xu Yan suddenly changed the subject, his tone a little lighter. "Apart from the glass of wine for my mother, I haven't received any decent blessings or gifts."

Lu Ziyi immediately sat up straight, with a questioning look in his eyes, as if saying: What do you want?

Xu Yan looked at his nervous expression and suddenly found it a little funny. He leaned forward slightly, lowered his voice, and asked a question that caught Lu Ziyi completely off guard:

"Lu Ziyi, are you still afraid of the dark?"

For a split second, Lu Ziyi's pupils shrank, and a flicker of embarrassment crossed his face, a trace of having his most vulnerable secret exposed. That rainy night in his childhood, the only cowardice he had ever revealed.

Xu Yan leaned back in his chair and gave him his way of "relieving his anger", which was also the "birthday gift" he asked for:

"Give me your current address. Next time...when I really want to see you, I'll come to you at night."

He paused and added,

"Remember, don't turn on the lights."

After saying that, Xu Yan stood up and picked up his coat.

"Coffee, please. Thank you for the birthday wishes."

He turned and walked towards the door, and this time, he didn't say "follow me".

Lu Ziyi sat alone in the booth, staring at the nearly untouched cup of coffee across from him, Xu Yan's final words echoing in his ears. There was no sign of offense on his face; instead, he slowly, slowly let out a sigh of relief, and even a faint, yet genuine, smile curled up at the corner of his lips.

He knew that he had to take on the question Xu Yan gave him.

This is a brand new beginning between them.

Xu Yan returned to his temporary rental apartment and closed the door, shutting out the snow and noise outside. Without turning on the lights, he walked straight to the window and watched the scattered car lights on the street below streak across the snow like fireflies.

The sense of calm and control I had just felt in the cafe gradually dissipated when I was alone, replaced by a deeper fatigue and a hint of...uncertainty.

He was quite satisfied with his performance. At least, he didn't lose control or back down. He even managed to catch Lu Ziyi, who was always in control, off guard and nervous.

"Your love has caused me a lot of suffering."

As those words escaped his lips, he saw the light in Lu Ziyi's eyes dim instantly, the pain and self-blame surging within them threatening to overflow. Xu Yan knew the devastating power of those words. It was a simple understatement, yet it accurately encapsulated all the grievances and struggles.

He didn't feel the pleasure of revenge, but rather a sense of finally unloading a heavy burden and returning it to the other person. He was the one who should feel the burden, not himself who had been carrying the pain.

The final question about fear of the dark and the "request" he made were carefully considered choices. It wasn't a challenge, at least not entirely. It was a test, and also a stepping stone.

To test Lu Ziyi's sincerity, is he willing to reveal his vulnerable self, once again, under the shadow of his childhood?

It was also a step for himself. In the darkness, he might be able to see his own heart more clearly and decide more calmly what to do next.

He didn't know what Lu Ziyi would do, but he knew that this time, the initiative was truly in his hands.

Meanwhile, Lu Zi hadn't left the café. He sat there for a long time, motionless, the water in front of him turning ice cold. He replayed every word and expression of Xu Yan.

Was it painful? Yes. When Xu Yan calmly stated, "I've suffered a lot," he felt as if his heart was being gripped by an icy hand, making it almost impossible to breathe.

But more than that, it was a kind of almost pious gratitude.

Fortunately, Xu Yan was still willing to talk to him, and fortunately, he gave him such a special "opportunity".

"Don't turn on the light..."

He repeated these three words in a low voice, his fingertips unconsciously sliding across the cold glass. Of course he was afraid of the dark, that fear etched in his bones had never truly disappeared. But at this moment, a more powerful emotion overshadowed it - if that was the condition for Xu Yan to approach him, then darkness could also be warm.

He pulled out his phone, called up his memo, and carefully typed in his current address, word for word. His movements were slow, as if he wasn't typing a string of characters, but rather engraving a solemn promise.

After doing all this, he put away his phone and looked out the window.

The snow had stopped at some point, and the clouds had parted a little, revealing the hazy, cold light of the sky behind.

Lu Ziyi stood up, paid the bill, and left. He pushed open the door of the cafe, and a cold breeze blew across his face, but he didn't feel the chill. Instead, a faint flame of hope burned in his heart.

He just had to wait.

Waiting for the doorbell that may suddenly ring one night, and the person who is willing to start over with him in the dark.