Finale

582.

I received the MMS on my birthday. He wrote a lot, and even after taking several photos, it was still blurry. I saved it, hoping to memorize every page.

Xuzhen, happy birthday.

Time flies! Technically, this is the second or third letter I've written you. I can't remember the exact content of the last one, which was confiscated, but the first sentence is the same. I dreamed of you the other day, or rather, of us. Are we going to the beach again during our long vacation? Even though you still say you're afraid of the water, I believe we're brave together.

College life wasn't what I'd imagined. There were midterm exams and finals week. Some subjects weren't marked, so they were closed-book exams. To maintain good grades, I had to beg seniors for review materials. The only thing that matched my expectations was that the teachers really didn't care about our relationships anymore. Every night before lights out, there were couples standing downstairs in the dorms—many of them. I was envious, not because they could hug, but because their relationships didn't have to be hidden; they could be acknowledged.

Right after military training, I went to the cafeteria with my roommates. They asked if I had a girlfriend, and I thought of you, but I could only say no. Then they offered to introduce me to someone very pretty, but I said no. Some of this might offend you, but I still want to say: you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen. Even though you won't admit it, even though you hate it when people comment on your appearance like this, I still want to tell you that my heart flutters every time I see you.

You always ask me about my childhood. I don't tell you not because I don't want to, but because I've forgotten most of it, only fragments. Before I started elementary school, I lived with my grandmother. My parents worked in the city and only came home a few times a year. One time, for my birthday, my mom took me to the city for two days. Those two days gave me a sense of the city: what cars looked like and what streets should look like. Our family wasn't well off, and it took years before we got a color TV. I had no pocket money and few toys. While shopping, I saw a beautiful pencil case and loved it, but it was too expensive, so my mom wouldn't let me buy it. I didn't cry. I just stood there and stared at it for a long time.

I later realized that I only have the right to look at things that I cannot own.

Just like when I met you, I only needed to look at you to express my affection for you, which was also the part that annoyed you the most at first. Just like when we were chatting, you also agreed that we were from two different worlds. The gap between these two worlds must have been extremely large, until one day, our souls luckily overlapped.

In English class that day, the teacher said the world of the future should be more diverse and inclusive. I also fantasized about this relationship lasting forever, but it's so hard to be forever. Simply put, just one more day, just one more day. Every day I have more luck, and maybe one day later, we can walk down the street like any other couple, without being questioned about whether our intimacy is normal.

When that day comes, I think my happiness will outweigh my luck.

Even now, I still can't believe we're together, so I look forward to your reply. There's no word limit, so feel free to write a few words to dispel the unreality I feel. I'll keep your letter safe. Tell me when you're happy, and when you're unhappy. Eat well, and remember to think of me.

An Jin

2009\11\7

583.

The letter arrived in mid-November and I put it in my violin case. One night, as I was about to take my medicine and go to bed, I realized all the bottles were empty, so I sat up and wrote him a reply.

Senior, Happy New Year.

By the time you receive this letter, it will probably be close to New Year's Eve. I wonder if you'll suddenly appear behind me again this semester. If you do, don't tell me. It won't be as surprising if I know in advance, but I'm still looking forward to it.

Aside from my grades, it's hard to find anything else to be happy or unhappy about in my senior year. The happiness is that my grades are becoming more stable, and my homeroom teacher says that with such a high score, I can have more and better choices. The unhappiness I feel is that I can't see you when I want to, and that you wouldn't cooperate when I asked to take a photo with my phone.

Having written this far, I don't know what else to say. You know, I'm not good at Chinese. Just like what I said on the phone last time, the inverted sentence you corrected. As for tolerance and intolerance, I think the envelope contains a world that belongs only to us, opened by you and discovered only by you. There's no need to worry about nonexistent scrutiny, and there's no need to explain for the sake of explanation.

As for the day you mentioned, if you want, I am willing to wait with you. But I always have a feeling that that day should be very far away, and by the time that day comes, we will probably be old.

I've been so busy with homework lately that I can't call you every week like I used to. So I look forward to your reply. Don't pretend you didn't receive it, and don't make excuses by saying that you're being unreserved if you reply to three letters to every one I write.

Pei Xuzhen

2009\12\9

584.

The letter was sent, and he also received my thoughts. He replied that he would wait until the holiday to see me. This made me look forward to New Year's Day, but he didn't come back on New Year's Day. I thought about taking two more days off to visit him in Xiangyun City, but he said not to ask for leave so easily.

On New Year's Eve, there was another party on the island. I took a photo of us on the beach and sent it to An Jin, asking him to remember to take another photo in the same spot next time so that the two photos together would form a group photo.

"You're coming back during winter break?"

"It should be, why are the photos so blurry?"

"The light here is not good."

"Okay."

"Why didn't you let me find you?"

"I'm afraid you'll be in trouble."

"Tell me the truth, do you have a boyfriend over there and are you afraid that I'll find out..."

"No! No, okay, since you are so good at imagination, why don't you become a screenwriter?"

"It would have been nice if we had met earlier."

"It's too noisy over there, what did you say?"

"I said, it would have been nice if we had met earlier. So why did you show up so late?"

"The finale, understand?!"

"There's no noise over there, why are you talking so loudly?"

"I heard fireworks."

"There are fireworks. It's midnight. Happy New Year."

"What?"

"Happy New Year, Senior."

"Happy New Year to you too."

......