How long will it take to let go?

657.

Undeterred, I even contacted my "friends" from freshman year of high school and asked them if they'd ever met the person I described, even once. If they hadn't, I'd ask again. Still haven't met him? I'd ask again. When I asked Yu Xinxin, Zhang Zhaoxing, and Ren Ke, they all thought I was baffling.

"There are no pearls in our sea."

"Why don't you dance with us?"

A fairy tale come true.

658.

If a fairy tale comes true, it's no longer a fairy tale. What am I looking for?

659.

One must be responsible for what they say, and choices have their own price. It's November again, and at 24, I feel poorer than any other year. Late at night, I wonder if I can buy a ticket to return to the age I most want to go back to.

Where do I want to go?

Back to the first time I saw Xu Jiaheng at 11, this time we were friends. Back to that little speedboat, facing Qiu Yang, this time we didn't argue, didn't quarrel. Back home, accepting the cookies from Aunt Guo, this time I would smile and say thank you. Back to the doorway where I struggled, she asked me to go with her, and I went with her.

That way, Xu Jiaheng wouldn't have so many regrets. The rain wasn't tears, and I crossed from the swamp to the desert. In the snow, I reached daylight before him, the night sky on the other side, without disturbing his dreams.

660.

The amount on the card could buy a lot, but I lost the desire to shop. I just kept thinking over and over again, if the time tunnel sold tickets one day, what would the price be.

It won't have it, but I'll give it my all. Clear those numbers.

661.

Before high school, I saved all my cash and discovered a small safe hidden under my bed. This was my real secret, one I'd never mentioned before. I tried so many combinations and countless attempts to open it, wondering what was inside.

First, I wondered if there was Anna's contact information in it. I guessed Anna left something very important for me, but I didn't know what was most important to her, after all, the watch she gave me was given away long ago. I wondered if it was jewelry she loved, but it seemed like it couldn't hold so much...

I guessed many possibilities, but I also felt that there might be nothing at all.

I asked my aunt, maybe she would know the password, she knows her so well, cares about her so much. Because I care about her, I care about me. But my aunt warned me on the other end of the phone,

"Don't open it. It won't be what you expect. I don't know the password, but I can guess what's inside."

What is it? She knew the answer, but she wouldn't tell me.

662.

One day I dreamed I opened a safe, then shut it shut in shock. I dreamed I saw the correct answer: a small bottle filled with capsules. It might be empty, and it might not be medicine. If it wasn't medicine, it was probably the correct answer.

Anna's courage lay in locking it away, leaving me, and starting a new life.

Anna's cowardice lies in the fact that she originally planned to end it here with me, treating poison as antidote, and continuing to live every day despite having opportunities every day.

And after all this time, I still don't understand what love is.

663.

I woke up and decided to keep looking for An Jin. He was the only one I'd ever been in love with. It's hard to tell anyone else about the feelings we shared during those years. I always thought this distance was to avoid being discovered, to avoid being in a position of being accepted or excluded.

Some people find it hard to understand relationships between people of the same sex, and even harder still between him and I. It's like throwing something away, sticking it somewhere else, and then pulling it back with all his might—love is a game he never tires of.

664.

To find An Jin, I didn't look for a job. I tried my luck everywhere he might be. Wulin City, Xiangyun City, and Distance Island—I raced back and forth between those three places, but no matter how many times I tried, it was all in vain. I expanded my search to the places he'd told me he wanted to visit, and went there alone. Would he suddenly show up and surprise me again? Would he text me again, asking why he'd canceled his old number?

So how should I reply? I've already thought of a response, but the text just didn't arrive. Also, because I've been off the medication for so long, my sleep is getting worse day by day.

665.

I made many excuses for his leaving.

He's getting married, so he left me. That's true. He doesn't like me anymore, not even in love, so he left me. That's also true. He had an accident and was forced to leave me. That's what I don't want to happen. He never existed. That's what I fear most and what I least want to admit, even if it's true.

I really want to know which one it is.

Gradually, the one me split into two. One half knew full well that he most likely didn't exist, that he was most likely a figment of my imagination, or perhaps a ghost. The other half refused to accept it. Whenever I had the time, I'd look for him; when I didn't, I'd review the situation. I tried to understand where I had gone wrong, what mistakes had led to my lover's departure.

663.

The fragmented and fleeting moments trapped me, sharp and heavy. The image of the two of us lingered, how long would it take to let go?

......

"Get a cat."

“I don’t like cats.”

"How about this one? It's beautiful."

"Oh, if it's this one, you can keep it."

"Are you so superficial?"

"Don't make a fuss, don't pinch me. Just keep this one. What should I name it?"

"Yeah."

"Why is it called 'En En'?"

“Because of heart and mind.”

“Yes, my Chinese has improved.”

.....

"You've already chosen a name, what if you don't want to raise it?"

"No, I was going to pick it up today, but I got an allergic reaction after just holding it in my arm for a bit."

"You have a shallow bond with your children, that's what you are."

"What are you having for dinner?"

"Oh, I've eaten."

"Why don't you leave me anything to eat?"

"Yes, I left some fruit."

"You asked me to leave what you couldn't finish for yourself. How treacherous."

"Do you understand the ways of the world?"

......

"Reach out your hand."

"No walnuts, I'm full."

"Apply medicine to you."

"You're so good?"

"What day am I not good at?"

"It would be better if you could eat less someday."

“You were never hungry as a child.”

"I was hungry. I was very thin when I was a kid."

"I don't believe it."

"real."

......