possible

531.

The end of the semester was approaching. Senior year had weekly quizzes. An Jin was getting busy, too busy to text me or even have dinner with me. I looked back and couldn't see him. The distance suddenly widened, and I wasn't used to it. He followed me, watched me, and never left my side within a few steps of me. It felt like a matter of course.

Sometimes I'd go to the building across the street to look for him, pretending he'd pass by their class just as he'd passed by ours. I'd never see him again, never knowing where he sat. During New Year's Day, I reread the card several times, feeling strangely worried because I couldn't tell whether it was the discomfort I felt or the longing I'd felt for him that was causing me to miss him more.

Winter vacation started in mid-January, and I heard they were going to start a week or two later. One night, I received a text message from him saying he was very tired.

Me: Your winter vacation is only two weeks?

Senior: Yes.

Me: The holiday is short and there is a lot of homework, so you are tired?

Senior: It’s not because of this.

Me: Why is that?

Senior: It’s hard to say.

Me: It’s okay.

Me: I’ll listen to you.

532.

When the call was connected, he sounded sleepy and said,

"I want to see places farther and bigger. When I was little, I thought Distance Island was huge and had everything. But when I came here in high school, I realized it was actually very small and lacked everything."

"Um."

"If I get admitted to the provincial capital in the future, I might think that Wulin City is just so-so."

"You want to go to the provincial capital?"

"It's the provincial capital, and there aren't any particularly important universities, so it's not certain."

"Is studying hard tiring? Or do you find the effort tiring?"

"No, the effort isn't tiring. As long as the goal can be achieved, the effort is nothing. What I mean is that it's tiring to make up for the gap."

"What's the difference?"

"People are inherently different. Look at school. Even though we all wear the same uniform, we all know that everyone has a different starting point. This competition is so unfair."

I remembered what Qiu Ju said, and it was roughly the same meaning as what An Jin said.

533.

Some people stand at the foot of the mountain, unable to see the summit, taking one step at a time until exhaustion sets in. Others stand halfway up, even just a stone's throw from the summit. If the starting point is too high, is lifting too much unnecessary?

534.

"You have a lot," he sighed.

"I lost a lot too." I just had a lot more in my wallet, but every time I tried to keep it, I was never successful.

I didn't tell An Jin that my aunt had been calling me every day since last November, urging me to come back. When I got my old phone back and charged it, it popped up with dozens of missed calls and unread messages. She was so anxious, she threatened to stop sending me sleeping pills. In the end, she still sent me the pills on time and in the correct amount, but I knew I'd let her down again.

In the early 2000s, there were no undergraduate institutions in Wulin City. If you wanted a good university, you had to go to the provincial capital or other more developed cities. I hated the process of adapting and didn't want to travel so much. I even considered attending a junior college. After graduation, I wouldn't starve even if I didn't work a single day. This was what I thought before An Jin said he didn't want my possibilities to diminish.

535.

I don't quite understand how many possibilities there are in life. But I stubbornly believe that it has little to do with money. Apart from spending money, my possibilities are very few, just like when I was in elementary school, I tried so hard to please Anna because I thought:

There's no way Mom would leave me.

My impossibles always become possible, and my possibles always become impossible. Just like when I was in junior high, I thought Xu Jiaheng would like me one day. In the end, it was still impossible.

Possible, impossible, the transition between them that happened to me seemed as if they had been planned.

536.

An Jin refuted my point, saying, "You think this way because you've never been hungry. You don't know what the poor crave most, because money is never a concern for you. If all you think about every day is how to spend your money, then that's not a worry. You always look down on others and feel that your own dignity isn't high enough."

"What do poor people desire most? Do they desire success? A lot of money?" This is my answer.

"I long for food and clothing."

“…”

"If you've never lived with just over 800 yuan a month, you might not even know what subsidies are."

"A total of only, 800 yuan a month?"

"And we're a family of four."

537.

I thought about the schoolbag he'd insisted on not changing, and his attitude toward the past. I also asked him why he didn't make the same choice as Xu Jiaheng, perhaps starting his own business sooner rather than later. He said it would be better to work in a more prosperous city, but the top students in No. 1 Middle School received scholarships every semester. His parents worked in Wulin City, and while he was studying here, he could at least see them every semester.

"So you don't celebrate your birthday because you think cakes are too expensive and unnecessary?"

He stopped talking, and I felt like I shouldn't have asked. Later I said, if you're tired, go to bed early.

538.

I spent very little time on the island during that winter break, spending most of my time in the rental house. She had rented it to me for almost two years, and someone offered her a higher price. The landlord wavered a bit, but ultimately didn't change her mind. When she came to collect the rent, she said to me,

"Since you live alone and are a student, your parents must be working away from home, right? It's not easy for them. I'll keep the previous price and rent it to someone else after you graduate."