Chapter 31

Tang Yuchuan walked to the door of the ward and paused on the door handle for a moment. Just as he was hesitating whether to knock on the door, the door opened gently. The air was filled with the smell of disinfectant and a familiar scent that belonged only to her.

Tan Jing sat on the hospital bed, tapping her fingers in the air as if chasing spots of sunlight coming in, her eyes looking out the window, casual yet focused.

Seeing Tang Yuchuan walk in, her expression didn't change much, just that indifferent. She didn't deliberately greet him, nor did she avoid him. She was just like she was more than ten years ago - quiet, clear, but with an untouchable depth.

"You're here." Her voice was low and steady, as if she was just stating a fact.

"Are you feeling well?" Tang Yuchuan asked softly, draping his coat over the back of a chair and standing not far from her. His movements seemed natural, yet restrained.

"Very good." She slowly turned her head and smiled slightly: "It seems that the hospital has been like this for so many years, and it hasn't changed at all."

Tang Yuchuan nodded, looked at her, and then looked at the light outside the window.

The sunlight fell on her shoulders, slightly warming the colors, but it couldn't cover up the smell of disinfectant beside the bed.

After a few seconds of silence, she softly said, "Tang Yuchuan...can we go back to the way we were before?"

Tang Yuchuan's eyes froze for a moment, but he quickly regained his composure.

He whispered, "What's past is past."

Tan Jing smiled again, but it was a faint smile with a hint of self-mockery: "I know, but I still think about it, even if it's only for a moment."

He didn't answer, but just moved his chair closer to the window and looked out at the corridor.

The light and shadow stretched and shortened on his face, casting a cold outline.

His voice was low but natural: "You have been doing well all these years..."

"Very good." She shrugged, her tone pretending to be relaxed, but a hint of desire flashed in her eyes, "Except..."

She glanced at him lightly, the unspoken regret hanging in the air.

Tang Yuchuan's eyebrows tightened slightly, and his fingers tightened slightly, but he was not anxious. He just repeated softly: "Except..."

She nodded slightly, as if confirming some fact.

He breathed softly again and whispered, "...it was you who chose to leave me in the first place."

She was stunned for a moment, her eyes flashed with restraint, but she quickly regained her composure: "I know... I know... but I have a compelling reason."

Tang Yuchuan approached the bed, his tone calm, yet with a hint of inquiry that was difficult to conceal: "Tell me your reasons. I'll listen to your explanation."

"I... I haven't decided whether to say it or how to say it." Her voice was low and slow, like a pebble thrown into the air, falling gently but causing ripples.

Tang Yuchuan raised his eyebrows slightly, his voice gentle, but with a question that could not be ignored: "Can't explain it clearly, or haven't you made up a good lie? Ten years, isn't it enough time for you to make up a reason to lie to me?"

Tan Jing looked up, her eyes wandering between the light and shadow outside the window, like the ripples in the deep sea: "Yuchuan, I have my secrets... but I have never lied to you. You like me, but do you understand me?"

She paused, then continued, "Maybe I do understand. I always felt that you understood me the best in this world, but now, you don't believe me."

There was a moment when Tang Yuchuan wanted to question Tan Jing, why she could always be so rational and confident, so calm and composed. He obviously never had a choice in the things between them, but she could be so calm as if nothing had happened.

Tan Jing's gaze fell to the window and was not retracted for a long time, as if she was weighing her words.

"Yuchuan, I've always known this." Her voice was soft, yet steady, and filled with conviction, "There's a gap between the me you like and the real me."

She paused, a faint curve appearing at the corner of her lips. It wasn't a smile, but more like a self-deprecating admission.

"You said I've always been stubborn, rarely changing my mind once I've made up my mind. It's true, and this time is no different. Even if I'm wrong, I want to bear the consequences myself." Her fingers gently stroked her knees, her tone steady. "So, I'm not the type to live my life by following others' wishes. Even with you, I've never considered relying on you."

For a moment, Tang Yuchuan didn't know how to respond.

He didn't think Tan Jing was the kind of woman who needed dependence.

On the contrary, she has always had an independent temperament, is capable and has her own opinions.

Tang Yuchuan once thought that he was closer to her than others and could see the other side beneath that quiet appearance.

She was like the deep sea: calm and even cold on the surface, but the deeper one went, the more one could sense the undercurrents and surges. That wasn't weakness, but a kind of warmth, a kind of vitality that only leaked out at rare moments.

He often felt that it was this passion hidden beneath the calmness that made her so real and made him unable to let go for many years.

He always felt that even if she left him, she would meet someone better.

Even if she lives alone, she can live out her own brilliance.

She can draw and design, and she has such an independent soul.

But at the prime age of her twenties, she chose to be his father's lover, the lover of the man he had never concealed his dislike for.

This incident still feels like a crack in his heart, which he does not understand and cannot reconcile. She obviously did not have to do this.

Perhaps it was because of this that he couldn't let it go.

If she is weak, he may forgive her; if she is confused, he may try to make her realize it.

But she was not like that. She was clear-headed, intelligent, stubborn and opinionated. Yet, at that time, she made the choice that he hated the most.

He had never been able to understand this. For more than a decade, he had questioned himself countless times, even spending late nights deducing possible answers over and over again, trying to fit her into logic, but he still couldn't come up with a self-consistent explanation.

Later, he gradually understood that some things may have no answers.

He'd pondered it for years, until recently, when he finally stopped. It wasn't that he'd let it go, but rather that he'd understood that all that obsession and questioning would only keep him stuck.

She raised her eyes and stared at him, her gaze calm. "Maybe you are the one who understands me the most, but that is not all of me... Before, you said I was always quiet."

Tang Yuchuan's Adam's apple moved slightly, and a trace of trance flashed in his eyes.

He recalled the night when he was seventeen, when he was full of youthful vigor and vitality. He held her sketchbook in his hands and said half seriously and half jokingly that she was like a priest in an ancient temple, always with an unapproachable look.

Tan Jing curled her lips slightly, but the smile didn't reach her eyes. "But you know, I'm not the goddess priestess you imagine. I can be stubborn, willful, and angry... sometimes I'm afraid and weak. It's just that I don't want to show it in front of others, and I don't want people to look at me with pity."

Her voice was still soft, but with a clear sense of certainty: "What you see of me is only half of me at most. You think I'm quiet and peaceful, but my heart is often in turmoil."

Tang Yuchuan stared at her, his gaze darkening for a moment. That half-joking name should have been lightly faded away by time, but now that she mentioned it again, it seemed to reflect the innocence and misunderstanding of their youth.

She paused, as if giving him room to think, before slowly adding, "It's not like I haven't wanted to be understood. But that understanding, for me, shouldn't be based on pleasing others."

Her eyes didn't evade, and were as steady as the bottom of the water: "If even these are not accepted, then it can't be considered true love."

She suddenly said this, and Tang Yuchuan felt that it was a bit incoherent, but inexplicably a familiar throbbing surged in his heart. It seemed that she was like this before, often talking to herself.

She spoke, he listened, and time passed by little by little.

When he was with her, he often forgot what he wanted to do with her and was distracted by her topics.

Just like at this moment, he was once again carried away by her topic, watching her analyze herself in front of him, but never in a hurry to confide, as if always maintaining a certain distance, allowing him to see her true self, but never touch her whole self.

He listened to her talk, but he was still confused. He still didn't understand why she left more than a decade ago; he didn't have an answer for why she made that choice. But these questions suddenly seemed less important.

From the moment he opened the door, the first and most pressing thought in his mind was actually only one.

"Isn't it good to be alive?" Tang Yuchuan finally spoke, his voice very soft, but steady like a stone dropped on the chest, "Why do you want to die?"

Tan looked at him quietly, as if weighing whether to answer. After a moment, she looked away and looked out the window.

"Because I feel that my life... is like this." Her tone was calm, without crying or waves, as if she was stating a fact that had already been confirmed.

Tang Yuchuan frowned and said in a low voice: "That's it? Why do you feel that your life has come to an end here?"

Tan Jing breathed softly, the corners of her lips curled up slightly, but the smile was cold and indifferent: "Whether you believe it or not, in fact, these years, your father and I have not had a good life. But I have a compelling reason... a reason I don't want to tell."

Tang Yuchuan's Adam's apple rolled slightly, and he tried his best to hide his worry in his tone, maintaining his usual gentleness: "If you don't want to talk about it, then don't talk about it. But now, he's dead. No matter how bad those days were, they're over. You should live a good life."

Tan Jing shook her head, her expression still calm. "But I suddenly realized that it seems meaningless. We can't go back to the past, and if I leave him...it seems that nothing in my life belongs to me. Yuchuan, I used to hear people say that a bad relationship can devour a person's soul. I didn't believe it at first, but now..."

Tang Yuchuan's heart tightened and he stared at her, feeling that she was strange and distant at the moment.

"It's been impossible between us since you decided to be with him." He spoke slowly, his voice restrained. "Not to mention I have a new girlfriend now. But your life shouldn't be just about love, and love doesn't have to be limited to these two relationships. There are thousands of men in the world, and you are free."

Tang Yuchuan expected some response from Tan Jing, but Tan Jing remained unmoved and looked indifferent.

His tone softened, almost admonishingly: "You can do a lot of things, Tan Jing. Paint, travel, go to places you've never been, try a new job, or even... fall in love with someone again."

Tang Yuchuan's eyes rested on her face, deep but restrained: "You can have a new love, a new life. You are not a trapped person."

Tan Jing lowered her eyes slightly, and said in a faint voice: "But I feel... my soul has dried up. I am not the same person I used to be."

Tang Yuchuan was stunned for a moment, then couldn't help but say, "You can start over. If you want to work, whether it's Jingchuan or Hongsheng, the design department will always welcome you. It's not just these two companies, not just these two departments, not just limited to your past strengths. If you want, you can also have a brand new start... You already have many choices."

Tan Jing listened and smiled quietly. The smile was so faint, like ripples on the water that would soon disperse. "But, I feel so tired."

Tang Yuchuan leaned in slightly, his tone gentle but firm, "Then don't work. Who said they wanted to travel the world before? Why not take advantage of this opportunity to set off and relax? If it were you, my first stop would be Venice, Italy. In the early morning, mist shrouds the canals, and the water reflects the pink sky and mottled stone bridges. Sit in a small boat, listen to the sound of water lapping against the side, and smell the aroma of coffee and freshly baked bread."

Tan Jing looked at him quietly, her eyes steady, no smile, no waves, just looking at him, her expression no different from when she looked at the light and shadow outside the window.

He paused briefly and continued, "How about Paris? Walking along the Seine, the iron flowers on the bridge seem to tell a story. Go there, feel the sunlight shining on the cobblestones, and just walk slowly. Sounds nice, doesn't it?"

Tan Jing still had a calm expression. She moved her fingers slightly, her movements slow and steady. Her eyes did not leave him, but she said nothing.

Tang Yuchuan added, "Then let's go to Norway to see the fjords. The meltwater from the glaciers flows down the valleys and into the deep blue lakes. The wind blowing down from the mountaintops is so cold and biting, but it's refreshing. If it weren't for... we almost went together."

He paused briefly, then continued in a low voice, "Or go to Switzerland and take a train through the Alps. The snow-capped peaks spread out like a white canvas, and the clouds are so low that they seem within reach."

Tan Jing breathed gently, like the air currents deep under the sea, slow and even, neither rejecting nor accepting.

Tang Yuchuan smiled softly, his voice gentle: "Choose a place at random, feel the warmth of the sun on your face, smell the sea breeze, the scent of the mountains and the desert, listen to the sounds of the street corners, the woods, the rivers, and the waves... How wonderful, and take my share with you."

Tan Jing turned her head to look at him, her eyes calm, yet like the dark currents surging deep under the water: "But I already have too many burdens on me."

Tang Yuchuan was silent for a moment, then whispered, "These shouldn't be your reasons to stop. Besides, I'm here to take care of the mess my father left behind. It's definitely not your turn to take care of it. You can just go ahead and do what you want."

Tan Jing suddenly looked serious, "Tang Yuchuan, what is going on between us now?"

"It doesn't matter, it's not important! I think staying alive and feeling life is much more important than defining relationships." Tang Yuchuan's eyes were gentle and firm, full of encouragement.

Tan Jing shook her head, her tone light but also firm: "I'm not interested. No matter how vast the outside world is, to me, it's just other people's scenery. I don't want to go far away, nor do I want to entrust everything to others. That would make me uneasy."

Tang Yuchuan's heart tightened, he understood what she meant.

Those debts, responsibilities, and hot potatoes that she couldn't let go of made it impossible for her to leave easily. Although she had said before that she would leave Hongsheng to him, but... it's not just Hongsheng.

So, he lowered his voice, his tone firm but gentle: "Then stay. Stay here and do whatever you want, read, daydream, sleep, sit on the balcony and do nothing, it's all up to you. As for Hongsheng's debts, I will deal with them one by one, and I will also resolve those hot potatoes left by my father. You stay here and witness me arrange everything properly, okay?"

Tan Jing looked at him, and a smile finally appeared on the corner of her mouth, just like when he first came in, but she didn't say yes or no.

Tang Yuchuan paused, his eyes never leaving her, as if staring at the undercurrent in the deep sea without touching the calm surface. "Don't struggle with the past, and don't worry about the future. Today, now, breathing in this moment, is enough."

He exhaled lightly, as if letting go of all the tension. "If you want to paint, paint. If you want to walk, walk. Don't worry about other people's eyes, and don't worry about the so-called right and wrong. In life, every choice you make, even if it's just to stop, look at the sky, or smell the wind, is your own."

The air was filled with the faint smell of disinfectant, mixed with the warmth of the sun. He gently sat down next to her, close enough to feel each other's breath, yet far enough to maintain a boundary.

"Just... being alive, even if I do nothing, is enough." He seemed to be talking to himself, and also to her.

There was no exaggerated emotional outburst in these words, nor was there any harsh advice. Instead, the tenderness and determination in his eyes spread quietly like a stream, flowing into her world.

He just wanted her to be alive. In the face of life, all the grudges and grievances of the past seemed unimportant.

To live, just to live, to live freely, became the unspoken understanding between the two people at this moment.