Chapter 70 70. I am just a lonely star

Montong is an old livehouse, and it was the place where Lily performed the most when she was in college.

In recent years, many new venues with large venues and good equipment have opened in Shanghai. Famous bands no longer come here to perform, and the performances of small bands are not very attractive. More people come here to drink and party, to kill time. Because musicians often come here to drink, some people come specifically to meet musicians.

As Zhuang Yongyuan opened the door, he was greeted by a hot, fishy atmosphere tinged with the smell of alcohol and cigarettes. Almost everyone who came to drink knew him, and Zhuang Yongyuan, overwhelmed by the barrage of greetings, hurriedly ordered a gin and tonic and a plate of their signature Taiwanese braised pork rice. He then took a seat in the corner, where he ate and drank facing a wall covered in posters and graffiti.

The performance hall is just across the wall. The old venue has poor sound insulation, so even if the room is full of people, Zhuang Yongyuan can still hear the performance next to him clearly.

The music playing next door, like Li Xiuyu and Xie Kang's previous songs, and Shen Xifu's songs, was instantly recognisable as teenage music. For some reason, Zhuang Yongyuan himself had always resisted making this kind of music, or perhaps he simply couldn't. Being direct and honest seemed like a luxury to him.

Zhuang Yongyuan can find countless technical flaws in this kind of music, but that can't change the reality that he can't make such a thing. He can only talk about those things of life and death in a roundabout and distorted way.

He knew he was running away, a coward. He was bored as he mashed the minced meat in the bowl. The clatter of the kitchen behind him made noises, and he thought of the meal Xie Kang had carefully prepared for him on the night of the winter solstice, with the firewood, rice, oil, and salt neatly arranged in front of him.

"Zhuang Yongyuan, why didn't you tell me you were back?" Someone patted him from behind and said enthusiastically.

Zhuang Yongyuan turned around and raised his eyebrows: "Long time no see."

This man, with his characteristically European-Chinese face and the tall, European frame, spoke fluent Chinese with a soft Shanghainese accent. Zhuang Yongyuan didn't know his real name, but he knew he was a model and photographer. Everyone called him Mi Xiu, and he was a frequent visitor to Montong. Several bands had used his photos of signs on their album covers.

Mi Xiu was very direct. He picked up the gin and tonic on Zhuang Yongyuan's table and drank it in small sips. He moved closer to him, and his curly long hair brushed his face: "I have nothing to do tonight."

Zhuang Yongyuan smiled and shook his head, took back the wine glass and drank the little wine left at the bottom of the glass.

Mixiu reached into the wine glass with his slender fingers, stirred it a few times, picked out a lime wedge from the ice, and ate it calmly as if it were a sweet orange. He said, "Adian told me that you have been looking for your ex-boyfriend these past few months."

Zhuang Yongyuan looked around the hall and asked Mi Xiu, "Is Adian here too?"

Michaux pointed to the performance hall and said, "It seems he went in."

He asked again: "Is that man living in your room?"

Zhuang Yongyuan's grip loosened, and the chopsticks fell to the ground. He bent down to pick them up clumsily. Mi Xiu helped him pick them up, grabbing his hand several times, intentionally or unintentionally.

"Is anyone from Shanghai? Why are you speaking Shanghainese to me?" Zhuang Yongyuan threw his chopsticks on the table and said, "There's no one else at home. I came back by myself."

"Then why do you put on pants and refuse to recognize people?"

Zhuang Yongyuan was at a loss for words and said, "Who taught you to speak such authentic idioms?"

Michaux shrugged: "Another man."

"I'm going to see the show." Zhuang Yongyuan stood up and didn't go directly into the performance hall. He went to buy a glass of wine first. When the bartender handed the wine to him, Michel reached out to take it.

Zhuang Yongyuan glanced at him, ordered another drink, and while waiting for the cocktail to be made, he asked Michel, "Has the money run out again?"

"It's still early." Michaux smiled and took a sip of wine, saying, "After the show, I'll treat you to a drink at Pinky's."

Pinky Pinky is the closest gay bar to here, and it was there that Zhuang Yongyuan met Michel.

Zhuang Yongyuan refused him: "I'm tired and don't want to go."

He took the drink in a transparent plastic cup from the bartender and walked straight to the performance hall. He paid for his ticket and stood at the back, looking toward the stage. He also tried to find Dot in the crowd, but couldn't find him.

Michel followed closely behind him, but the dim lights and loud speakers made it impossible for them to communicate. Zhuang Yongyuan, slightly tipsy, swayed to the music, the pink-purple lights casting a shadow on the stage, and for a moment he felt like he was in Pinky Pinky.

There are many gay bars in Shanghai. Although people with sharp eyes can meet people of the same kind while walking, if you want to relieve loneliness, it is more efficient to go to a gay bar.

When Xie Kang was around, they'd once gone to a gay bar together. They were quite naive at the time, thinking people who went there were just looking for like-minded friends. So they went to a bar with good online reviews. As soon as they walked in, countless eyes were fixed on them. Before they even reached the bar, a man with a buzz cut, about thirty, approached and offered them cigarettes.

Zhuang Yongyuan didn't smoke before, so he shook his head and refused. Xie Kang was a little wary and didn't dare to smoke.

The person distributing the cigarettes noticed they were newcomers and gave a strange laugh. He looked at Xie Kang for a moment, then stopped at Zhuang Yongyuan and asked, "Two handsome guys, who will go first?"

"What's coming?" Zhuang Yongyuan asked curiously.

He smiled again, pointed to the bathroom, then made a circle with his hand, moved it back and forth in front of his mouth a few times, and licked his lips: "Still want to come together?"

Zhuang Yongyuan was startled and reflexively held Xie Kang's hand, saying, "We are together."

Xie Kang frowned: "I'm his boyfriend."

"So you guys want to come together?"

Zhuang Yongyuan blushed when he heard this. He turned his head away and said vaguely, "We didn't come here to..."

He was too embarrassed to say the next word. Someone nearby, who had been watching them, laughed mockingly. Two people emerged from the restroom, and as they passed, Zhuang Yongyuan detected a fishy odor on them.

Xie Kang couldn't stand it anymore and pulled Zhuang Yongyuan out. Fortunately, the people inside didn't chase them out. They walked home in silence. When they reached the downstairs of their house, Zhuang Yongyuan got into Xie Kang's arms, rubbed his chest, and muttered, "I didn't know it was like this."

Xie Kang hugged him. They were wearing lots of winter clothes, and the two of them hugged each other like a pair of giant penguins, clumsily climbing the stairs home. As soon as they closed the door, Xie Kang rolled over to the carpet with Zhuang Yongyuan, biting his lips and groping him frantically.

Zhuang Yongyuan felt pain from his grip, yet the pain was tinged with pleasure. He stared at Xie Kang blankly, feeling that the life he had just witnessed was far from his own.

After Xie Kang left, Zhuang Yongyuan spent five hours one night at his computer, churning out a pile of noisy junk. In the dim glow of the midnight computer screen, he thought of that gay bar.

He went out to take a taxi without hesitation, as if he was angry, but hesitated at the last moment and fled like last time.

To be fair, the man had a nice face. Zhuang Yongyuan and Xie Kang had played a lot of tricks before, and he really enjoyed it and didn't feel any shame. But he couldn't do anything about it with strangers.

Zhuang Yongyuan walked to the trash can and vomited for a long time, taking repeated deep breaths. Thinking of Xie Kang's departing figure, he mustered up the courage to return to the gay bar. It wasn't the relief he'd imagined, nor was it much of a relief, just a slight sense of physical pleasure.

In a trance, Zhuang Yongyuan recalled what Li Xiuyu had said before. Li Xiuyu had decided long ago to leave Pingnan and live this kind of life.

Large gay bars are a mixed bag, and most of the time, like the night when Zhuang Yongyuan suddenly felt like waiting for a message from Xie Kang, he would return disappointed.

After a show at Montong, Zhuang Yongyuan was looking for a drink and stumbled into a nearby alley. A pink sign, adorned with pink, flickered in the night like a beckoning hand. He walked in. On the small stage, a drag queen clutched a microphone and sang a slow English song.

His singing wasn't terrible, but the equipment was poorly tuned, and Zhuang Yongyuan felt uncomfortable listening to it. He looked around and found the mixing console. No one was around, so he started fiddling with it. Michel came over, patted him on the shoulder, and said, "I know you. I've seen your performance."

Later, Zhuang Yongyuan only went to pinky pinky to play, because there were many cultural venues such as theaters and livehouses nearby, and most of the people who came were directors, writers, actors and the like, most of whom were not famous, just like Zhuang Yongyuan at the time.

After Xie Kang left Shanghai, Zhuang Yongyuan found for the first time a place that felt a bit like home and was safe.

In order to develop the band, he has to attend many social events and say all kinds of polite words. Most of the time, he grits his teeth and acts, swallowing back the words he disagrees with. Only when he goes to pinky pinky can he be himself.

Under the pink and purple lights and the regular voguing performances every Friday night, Zhuang Yongyuan heard many stories. From that moment on, he accepted his fate. Like everyone else in this bar, he was destined to live this kind of life, forced to succumb to the loneliness of the city, yet unwilling to give in, he created bubbles for himself one after another.

Everything is fleeting, live one day at a time, only the feeling at this moment is real.

Xie Kang taught Zhuang Yongyuan many things, the most profound of which was to stop dreaming that anything could last forever. He had earnestly pursued many long-term things, but whether it was family, friendship, or love, he had failed.

The world outside Pingnan was never as wonderful as they had imagined before leaving. Zhuang Yongyuan later realized that Xie Kang, who had left Shanghai upon graduation, had simply figured things out earlier than he had. He was always so clever, like a prophet.

Thank you Kang...

Looking at the Mengtong stage where he and Xie Kang once stood together, Zhuang Yongyuan could not stop Xie Kang from appearing in his mind no matter how hard he forced himself to ignore it.

The Xie Kang of the past, the Xie Kang of the recent times, the gentle one, the violent one, the one who glowed like an idol when singing "What Kind of Person", all overlapped together, flashing before my eyes like a kaleidoscope, so powerful that the music on the stage became an accompaniment of his memories.

Zhuang Yongyuan pinched his thigh through his pants, using the pain to remind himself not to have such thoughts anymore.

He spent six years coming to terms with the current situation, determined not to return to the place where he came from, surrounded by arrows and spears.

After the performance, Zhuang Yongyuan felt dizzy because he didn't get enough rest last night. He walked unsteadily and his vision was blurry. He couldn't hear clearly when someone greeted him. He bumped into someone while walking in a daze. He said sorry and wanted to leave, but was stopped and couldn't get away.

"Er Yizi isn't looking at the road as he walks, rushing to get someone's eye done?"

A burst of rude laughter rang out. Zhuang Yongyuan frowned, rubbing his forehead as he focused his attention on the person in front of him. It was an old acquaintance of his, the lead singer of Smoke Boy.

"I'm sorry, I was drunk and couldn't see clearly." Zhuang Yongyuan repeated his apology coldly.

Michaux flew into a rage, rolled up his sleeves, and shouted at the top of his voice, "What do you mean?"

"That sissy has a pretty loud voice..."

Before the lead singer of Smoke Boy could finish his words, Zhuang Yongyuan punched him in the face. The blow was so strong that blood quickly oozed from his nose. He touched the wound and looked at the blood on his finger. Zhuang Yongyuan, standing before him, remained expressionless.