Chapter 81

friend:

Good luck with your letter.

I don't know if you will see this letter, but I have thought about it for a long time and still want to write something as a final farewell.

I hesitated for a long time on whether to send this to you, but finally decided to send it to you. There are too many things that I can't say in the direct reply mode of WeChat, so I want to tell you in this way. Although you may miss this letter because you don't have the patience to read it, I will assume that you have seen it.

First of all, I want to apologize to you. First, I apologize for the trouble I caused you with my words, second, I apologize for the joke I made last time about wishing you three more years of widowhood, and third, I apologize for always treating you like some non-existent character.

I have thought a lot during this period. Because I was extremely internally consumed and couldn't figure things out, I was very painful. But I also wanted to get rid of this pain, so I wanted to find the essence of the root cause of the problem. Maybe if I figured it out, I would let it go.

The root of the problem is that the love is not reciprocated. It mainly revolves around two points: one is why I like you, and the other is why you still don’t like me when I am such a good person.

I couldn't figure it out, so I couldn't sleep all night. I was wondering what I did wrong. Don't they say that sincerity is the foundation for starting and maintaining a relationship?

Why can't I be sincere enough?

Later, I listed all the advantages in you that might attract me on a piece of white paper: appearance, stability, playing musical instruments, giving people an elegant feeling, not swearing, height.

I first crossed out "don't swear." If everything else about you is what I like about you, but you swear, would I still like you? I closed my eyes, and the answer is no. Even if you still look the way I like you, if you swear, I still won't like you. So, "don't swear" is a necessary factor for me to like you.

I then crossed out "height." If I liked everything else about you, but you were only 172cm tall, would I still like you? I closed my eyes, and the answer was yes. So height isn't a necessary factor for me to like you.

I then crossed out "playing an instrument, giving off an air of elegance." If all else about you appealed to me, but you didn't play any instruments, would I still like you? I closed my eyes. The answer was yes, but it would be a bit less pronounced. So, playing an instrument wasn't a necessary factor for me to like you, just a bonus.

I crossed out "stability" again. If I like everything else about you, but you're incredibly glib and frivolous, would I still like you? I closed my eyes, and the answer is no. Therefore, "stability" is essential for me to like you.

Finally, I crossed out "appearance." I closed my eyes, but I couldn't actually picture your true face anymore. I tried to reconstruct the reasons I once thought I liked you, but I found I couldn't. It seemed like I'd still enjoy chatting with you, whether you had that face or not. The pleasure we felt during that conversation was what kept me wanting to tease you. So, "appearance" wasn't a necessary factor in my liking you.

You told me before that it’s a good thing to admire someone, but does it mean that your partner must look like someone? This kind of liking only exists in your imagination and is not true love.

I didn't agree with your point of view at that time. I even thought that I liked you because some part of you looked like Lan Xichen, whom I admired. And the feeling I showed to you was that I liked you because I thought you looked like Lan Xichen. You thought that my liking for you was not actually true love.

I've thought about this for a long time, and I finally understand what you mean. I've finally realized that this is probably why you feel there's such a huge difference in our mental ages. My feelings are so frivolous that they strike you as ridiculous and childish (I'm not being sarcastic). Actually, when I close my eyes and think about it now, it's truly ridiculous to try to find a partner in real life based on a fictional, perfect persona that doesn't even exist.

You are right about this, and I am wrong. So I want to apologize to you. I am sorry that I shouldn't have forced you to accept such an impure love, because it was not love for you at all, but love for an image that I had created in my mind.

But after brushing aside these unrealistic fantasies, would I still like you? I closed my eyes, and it seemed I still did. You're very graceful and steady. During our conversations, you didn't get angry at my sharp words, at most you avoided them. This tolerance is the ultimate attraction, the real reason I like you. You also play an instrument, which makes me feel an inherent elegance that I adore. That's why I keep wanting to chat with you, wanting to connect with you. And this has nothing to do with the supposed resemblance to Lan Xichen. I simply like the qualities you possess.

I'm sorry, this is the first thing I want to say to you when writing this letter. Thank you for your tolerance of my childish behavior in the past few months. You are really generous, and I am not sincere enough.

Put yourself in my shoes. Imagine a guy says he likes me, but then says he likes me because of a certain part of me that he actually likes. In other words, he's not attracted to me as a person, but rather to a certain part of me, or a part of someone else. I can't accept or understand this excuse. I'd find it unreasonable and even angry. If he likes me just because I resemble someone else, then if someone else comes along who's even more like me, does that mean he doesn't like me anymore? That guy is such a jerk.

Then, back to me, how could I be so bad? I said I was sincere, but what I did was not sincere at all. It turns out that I was the scumbag. When I think about this clearly, I really can't accept it, and I feel extremely guilty towards you.

I want to say sorry to you and thank you to you.

As I write this, I feel incredibly sad because I've finally figured out the real root of the problem. I've realized that my reason for liking you isn't because your jawbone resembles Lan Xichen's. It's because you're just you. Your unique qualities that attract me are the fundamental reason I like you. But now it's too late to figure this out.

You are really a good person. You have been teaching me the right way during our communication. So I feel sad to have missed you, but I also understand that love cannot be forced. It was me who did not seize the opportunity. You obviously tried it at the beginning.

You may not believe it, but before I even understood the real reason for my love, I'd considered a lot about the future. There's a classic line from the character in "Big Fish and Begonia": "Don't assume you'll spend your life with someone; just get along naturally and go wherever fate takes you."

Predicting the unknown is foolish; the best thing to do is to seize the present moment. But I seem to be "aim too high," not thinking clearly about the present, but thinking about the future.

After meeting you that day, I was very happy, but also a little uneasy, because I had never been in a relationship and I didn’t know how to grasp a relationship, so I kept thinking about how to face a person of the opposite sex I like, or how to pursue a person of the opposite sex.

Then I remembered a line from a Titanic fanfiction: "What you expect from others, under the same circumstances, is what you give." So, if I could have a second chance to meet you, I'd definitely find out where you work or where you can get your mail delivered, and then give you a bouquet of flowers every week and a cup of afternoon tea every day. I'd remember your likes and dislikes, remember the dates that are important to you, and give accordingly.

When pursuing someone, you should not just talk about it, but put it into practice, because whether you like someone or not is not determined by what the person says, but by what the person does.

But now I think I was really thinking too far ahead (maybe that's wrong). I wanted to be closer to you, but right now I'm too far away. So even before we met, I was thinking about switching jobs to one closer to you. After we met, I even looked at studio apartments near you and thought I'd buy one so I could be even closer to you.

After reading this, you may say that I am in love. Although I feel that way a little bit, I am very sad that I cannot control myself. Maybe after I have a few more relationships, I will not be in love anymore.

But I also have extreme mental cleanliness, or I have always longed for the romance of "A gentleman is like water, adapting to the shape and being at ease everywhere. Therefore, he chooses one person to grow old with, and one city to live out his life in." So when I came into contact with the romance that I thought I had touched, I ignored the fact that ideals and reality are both two parallel lines, and two lines that gradually move away after intersecting.

Looking back now, I feel a bit ashamed of some of my past thoughts. I hadn't even started anything yet, but I was already overthinking so much. This completely contradicts what the rat lady said: "Don't prejudge your future with others."

Suddenly I felt so bad about myself. It’s not that I think I’m bad, but I understand that people should reflect on themselves and then learn from their mistakes, and then correct them. However, I found that although I understood this principle, I had no way to correct this mistake.

As I write this, my thoughts are a bit confused, and I can't help but burst into tears. I don't know if I've expressed what I wanted to say clearly, and I don't know if there's anything else I wanted to say but left out.

Finally, by the time you read this, I've probably already deleted you from WeChat. I'm sorry, I know it's rude, but please believe me, I'm sad to have deleted you. But if I hadn't deleted you, I'd be worried I'd be constantly thinking about you and bothering you. While you probably wouldn't say anything about me, I'd feel incredibly shameless, especially after realizing something and feeling really bad about myself. So, I had to keep my distance this way.

Finally, I wish you a happy new year in advance, and I also hope that you can find a girl who likes you and who also likes you as soon as possible, so that you can be together in both directions.