Chapter 18

Feng Ling buried herself in the quilt, tears silently soaking the pillow. She could stubbornly declare to her parents that Qiqi was the right person, but the reality laid bare on the table felt like tiny thorns, piercing her once unwavering faith. Education, social circles, a common language, future security—these words she had previously ignored or assumed "love conquers all" now swirled around in her mind, weaving a suffocating web. She pondered for a long time, trying to find a solution that would satisfy both sides, but found that all her assumptions paled in the face of these stark, fundamental questions about life. She didn't know how to convey her parents' concerns to Qiqi; it seemed like an insult to their pure feelings, and she dreaded the sight of hurt in his eyes. In the end, her thousands of words dissolved into a single, simple message: "Qiqi."

The person on the other end of the screen quickly responded: [Why are you still awake so late? What's wrong? ]

Her fingertips trembled, and she finally replied: [It's okay... I miss you, good night.]

Tears pattered against the cold screen of her phone, blurring the simple words. Almost the next second, he called. The name dancing on the screen burned like scorching coals, too hot for her to touch. What should she do? What should they do? What would she say once the call was connected? Tell him about his parents' objections? Or pretend everything was fine? A huge sense of helplessness overwhelmed her, and she could only let the ringtone ring stubbornly in the silent room until the last bit of power was exhausted and the world returned to darkness.

Qiqi stood by his apartment window, holding his still-unanswered phone, watching the scattered car lights pierce the night sky below, his heart sinking. He almost immediately guessed the reason for the silence on the other end of the line, and a sharp feeling of powerlessness made it hard to breathe.

For the next few days, the phone connection was completely shut down. Later, Feng Ling began replying to his WeChat messages, her tone trying to be casual, sharing small details about campus life, just like usual. But Qiqi knew her too well, familiar with the subtle emotions hidden in every word. He keenly sensed the caution behind her words, the long-term topics she deliberately avoided, the sensitive areas she avoided, as if afraid to touch upon something. She was trying to whitewash the situation, but he knew the cracks were already appearing.

This realization tore at his heart. Asking to meet her parents was a brave, carefully considered move, a move to secure a firm grip on the future. He longed for recognition, to stand by her side with authority and participate in the rest of her life. But when reality finally hit, he realized the immense power of the beast of inferiority that had always lurked within him.

He loved Feng Ling, a love bordering on devotion. The past two years had been a sudden burst of vibrant color into his otherwise dull life. Her smile could dispel all his fatigue, and her dependence made him feel needed by the entire world. Yet, it was this ultimate happiness that magnified his unease.

He went to pick her up from school and saw her, dressed simply in a white shirt and jeans, clutching a book, discussing a subject completely unfamiliar to him with her classmates. The sunlight shone brightly on her earnest profile. At that moment, standing under the sycamore tree, he felt like an intruder who had strayed into an ivory tower, a world filled with the fragrance of books and infinite possibilities. He wasn't jealous of the boys who could discuss academics with her; he was terrified that he couldn't reach the core of her spiritual world.

When she nestled in his arms, wrinkling her nose and complaining about the difficulty of her thesis and her strict instructor, he felt heartbroken, but could only clumsily pat her on the back and say, "Take your time." His experience, all the hard work, sweat, and even blood, he'd endured in the dance club, paled in the face of her "sweet troubles." He couldn't offer her academic advice, couldn't understand the rules of her world, and this cognitive gap left him feeling deeply frustrated and inadequate.

Late at night, as he gazed at the peaceful face of the woman beside him, her long eyelashes like two small fans, his heart filled with immense happiness and an equally overwhelming sense of panic. He imagined her after graduation, dressed in a refined professional suit, working in a bright and clean office building with well-spoken and experienced elites. Would he, a dancer with only a high school education and a narrow social circle, still be the sparkle in her eyes? After she saw the wider world, would she realize that his small pond was truly pitifully shallow?

"Am I worthy of her?" This thought, like a venomous snake, clung to him day and night. He loved her, and so he feared becoming a burden to her, afraid that she would fight against her family for choosing him. Even more, he feared seeing even the slightest hint of regret or disappointment in her clear eyes one day. This fear consumed him far more than any physical exhaustion.

He still showed up at the dance club on time, and when the music started, he was still the Qiqi teacher who controlled the whole place. But only he knew that the weariness that came from within was like a cancer on his bones.

***

Until one day, Xiaotian, the boss of Xihe Dance Club, called him into his office. Xiaotian tossed him a bottle of Pulse, leaned back casually in his chair, and said sincerely, "Brother, seeing Xihe's business getting bigger and bigger, with its reputation and students increasing rapidly, I sincerely thank you for being here to help me support the place."

Qiqi smiled and said nothing, but she felt a little warm in her heart because of this recognition.

"Hey, I'm not going to get sentimental with you," Xiaotian waved his hand and got straight to the point. "I've been thinking, why don't we just go into business together? You'll be the art director, and not only will you get paid for your lessons, but you'll also get dividends at the end of the year. What do you think?"

It was an extremely tempting offer, promising a more stable income and a higher status. In the past, he might have agreed without hesitation. But now, Qiqi remained silent, his teeth unconsciously biting his lower lip, his heart pounding with a fierce struggle. He looked up at Xiao Tian with a frank and serious gaze, and the thought that had been lingering in his mind for so long finally burst out:

"Xiaotian," he said in a dry voice, "I've thought about this for a long time... I want to study abroad for a while."

Surprisingly, Xiao Tian didn't show the slightest bit of surprise on his face. Instead, he had an expression of "as expected." He leaned back in his chair and nodded in understanding. "Tsk! I knew it! You're such a proud person! How could you possibly be content to stay stuck in this little temple of mine? That's great, buddy, I support you! Go see the world and learn something new!"

His friend's unwavering support and understanding, like a ray of light, instantly dispelled the last vestiges of hesitation and gloom in his heart. He couldn't sit still and wait for death, couldn't let low self-esteem consume their future. He loved her, so he had to become better—better enough to match her life, better enough to reassure her parents, better enough to stand by her side without shame. Qiqi's face broke into a long-lost, heartfelt smile, her eyes filled with gratitude and a sense of relief from a sudden enlightenment.

"Okay!" He nodded heavily, his tone becoming firm and powerful. "You work hard and protect Xihe. When I come back after completing my studies, we'll work together to make Xihe bigger and stronger!"

"Okay! I've been waiting for you to say that!" Xiaotian laughed and stretched out his hand.

Two hands clapped happily in the air, making a crisp sound. This was not just a promise, but also a man's solemn oath to the future.

However, precisely because of his deep love, another thought also grew wildly: his future was uncertain, and his return date was uncertain. He couldn't selfishly tie up her best years. If he couldn't achieve the success he expected, if he ultimately couldn't overcome the gaps in reality, he would rather let go and let her have a more relaxed and blessed life.

This desire to "let go" wasn't a lack of love, but rather a complex mix of feelings born from extreme love, mingled with feelings of inferiority, responsibility, and immense sacrifice. He longed to become strong for her, yet was also prepared to withdraw dismally if things didn't go his way. This resolve was tinged with the tragic grandeur of a desperate gamble, yet also with a deep desire for her eternal happiness, even if that happiness had nothing to do with him.

Leaving the office, Qiqi felt as if the heavy weight that had weighed on his heart had been lifted. He gazed into the distance, his gaze firm and far-reaching. For the girl he wanted to dedicate his life to, he resolved to equip himself for the wider world. Whether or not they could ultimately be together, he would first become the man worthy of her. This was the most clumsy, yet most sincere, love he could offer her.