Take a step back

"Fool, how could I not want you?"

Chen Chao's voice was soft, and his tone was extremely gentle.

Lin Yu felt that all the thorns in his heart were instantly smoothed out by those words.

He gripped Chen Chao's hand tightly, looked into Chen Chao's eyes, and said with barely suppressed grievance in his voice, "Boss, I thought you had cured me, so you wanted to push me out."

I'm afraid that all the effort you put into bringing me out of this mess was just out of a sense of responsibility. I'm afraid that all that's left between us is responsibility.

"I told you it was my problem, what are you thinking?" Chen Chao stood up helplessly and poured himself a glass of water. He had really been frightened by Lin Yu, and he needed to calm down.

Upon hearing this, Lin Yu got off the bed, knelt reverently at Chen Chao's feet, and looked up at Chen Chao, asking, "Boss, can you tell me what's bothering you? I'm really worried."

Chen Chao sighed softly and reached out to help Lin Yu up: "Don't kneel. If you really want to know, let's talk as equals. I'm not your superior, I'm just Chen Chao."

"Boss?" Lin Yu hesitated, not understanding Chen Chao's meaning.

Regardless of any other identity, he would never change his belief that Chen Chao was his superior.

But before he could finish speaking, Chen Chao had already turned on the light and pulled him to sit on the sofa.

"I originally wanted to calm down for a few days first, so that we could both have space to think things through and figure out how we should get along in the future." Chen Chao asked Lin Yu to sit next to him, held Lin Yu's hand, and spoke very seriously.

These words instantly made Lin Yu tense: "Boss, you mean..."

"Don't be nervous, I don't want to break up. I'm just wondering if I should give you more freedom."

Lin Yu still didn't understand Chen Chao's meaning. He didn't feel he needed more freedom; he was fine as things were. He obeyed all of Chen Chao's orders and dedicated himself to the country; for him, that was freedom.

He doesn't need anything more.

Chen Chao pulled Lin Yu into his arms and leaned against the back of the sofa, allowing both of them to relax.

"I originally wanted to wait until I had thought things through before telling you, but I didn't expect you to be so worried. I'm a little confused myself right now, so please don't interrupt me while I'm speaking, just let me finish. If there are any problems, we can discuss them after I've finished."

"Mmm." Lin Yu nodded in Chen Chao's arms.

“I remember before we officially became a couple, I asked you, saying that orphans subconsciously seek belonging, and I didn’t want you to misjudge your feelings. You answered me very firmly at the time, that you didn’t, that you knew exactly what you were doing.”

"Boss, I'm sure I haven't misunderstood my feelings," Lin Yu emphasized.

Chen Chao patted Lin Yu's hair reassuringly: "I know. But Lin Yu, back then you weren't able to truly face yourself."

When you were six years old, you took the hand of a T&A staff member and said you wanted to join T&A. Do you know how bold and courageous that decision was? How could a child who had just experienced that kind of shock make such a calm decision?

You've been forcing yourself to be strong ever since. To avoid breaking down, you've locked away your true feelings, numbing yourself with a cynical attitude and self-sacrifice.

Subconsciously, you feel that you are the one who harmed your mother, so you desperately want to find your own value elsewhere to alleviate your guilt. You see Tean as a place of belonging and dedicate everything to Tean without complaint in order to prove your own worth.

Your feelings for me are actually a mixture of love, admiration, and childlike attachment. Just like I said before, the truly genuine Lin Yu only appears in front of me, and that Lin Yu had never grown up before this.

You willingly kneel before me because you truly want me to control everything. You've carried the burden of life alone for too long; you want someone to help you let go, right?

Lin Yu lowered his head after being told off by Chen Chao. Now that he had been forced to truly grow up by Chen Chao, he looked back and realized that he had indeed been naive back then.

His feelings at that time were indeed not pure.

"But, boss..." Lin Yu wanted to explain something. Even if his motives were impure at the beginning, he was now absolutely sincere.

“I know what you want to say, and I’ve never doubted your feelings.” Chen Chao gently comforted him again. “Whatever the initial reason, there’s no doubt that you love me and I love you. I’m just thinking that maybe I should respect you more and give you more space to express yourself.”

“Boss, you haven’t restricted me at all, I don’t need any more.”

Chen Chao shook his head.

“When you said this morning that you wanted to be investigated, I was actually hurt. Maybe you didn’t even realize it yourself, but subconsciously you were rejecting my protection.”

Lin Yu, who was leaning against Chen Chao's chest, jolted. He argued in a flustered manner, "Boss, that's not what I meant. I just don't want to break the rules and have people say behind your back that you're being biased."

"Am I afraid of people talking behind my back? In my position, it's impossible for there to be no rumors. If I cared about every single one of them, I wouldn't be able to do my job. You can't be unaware of such a simple truth."

When Chen Jiu asked me to provide support to rescue his girlfriend's family, he didn't worry for a second that it was against the rules. And when you took my orders to support him, you never felt I was being biased, did you?"

"Boss, I..." Lin Yu was speechless when Chen Chao asked him, but he swore that he did not want to hurt Chen Chao. He just felt that since he was already cured, he should not trouble Chen Chao to help him anymore.

Chen Chao lowered his head and kissed Lin Yu's forehead: "I am a little sad, but I am not angry. I'm just starting to reflect on whether my desire to protect you so closely is disrespectful to you? After all, I have been seriously considering sealing your file."

"Boss!" Chen Chao's words startled Lin Yu so much that he almost jumped up. "Boss, I'm really fine now. I don't want freedom like Chen Jiu does. I want to stay in Te'an. I don't want to retire."

"It's not retirement, but rather that, like Chen Jiu, we won't reopen the seal unless there's an absolutely critical matter. After all, you've already sacrificed enough this time. And I probably can't bear the torment of sending you out any longer."

Tonight, almost every word Chen Chao uttered shocked Lin Yu, and this one was like a nuclear bomb. In the past, no matter how tired or stressed Chen Chao was, he had never backed down.

Chen Chao had shown vulnerability and revealed his sadness in front of Lin Yu, but he never once said that he couldn't bear it or that he couldn't take it anymore.

He always stood firmly at the forefront, guiding everyone's hopes.

But now Chen Chao says he can't bear the torment of constantly sending him out.

This was the first time Lin Yu had seen Chen Chao back down.

Chen Chao wanted to back down because of him.

this……

"We've gotten off topic. We'll talk about your file later, since I haven't figured it out yet either." Chen Chao seemed unwilling to delve into this, and brought the subject back to the topic, "Back to our relationship. Lin Yu, your true personality has always been very independent, capable of standing on your own. Whether it was your insistence on donating bone marrow when you were injured, or telling me that you wanted to move forward while bearing your sins."

Actually, my love can't hold you back when it comes to things you've made up your mind about. You're not born with a personality that needs to be controlled.

You kneel before me because of your childhood trauma; you subconsciously want to find someone to rely on. When this attachment mixes with genuine love, you yourself can no longer distinguish what you truly want.

But this time, I played the role of the absolute controller, forcing the real you to confront your trauma. The moment you succeeded, the real Lin Yu, who had always been locked away inside your heart, also grew up. You can feel that, right?

Lin Yu nodded. He truly felt that he had become stronger after this recovery. He was no longer afraid of the memories, and he no longer needed to numb himself with recklessness and cynicism. He felt that he had finally found the missing piece in his heart, and he had finally become whole.

“You are attached to me now because I played the role of God during those days and took on everything for you. This is a psychological phenomenon, but it is not necessarily your true feeling. That is why I wanted to create some distance at the beginning and let everyone calm down.”

Lin Yu was confused by Chen Chao's words; he didn't understand what Chen Chao meant. Why did Chen Chao say one moment that he wouldn't abandon him, and the next moment that he needed to keep some distance? Why did Chen Chao say he didn't doubt his love, yet at the same time think his dependence was just a psychological phenomenon?

He was so confused; he didn't know what to do. His palms were sweaty, and he looked at Chen Chao with extreme nervousness, afraid that Chen Chao's next words would be to push him away.

"Lin Yu, I am not a controller by nature; you know I don't enjoy power. But I do enjoy unbridled violence. I need to release my pressure, and you are indeed my perfect outlet."

But all of this is based on the premise that I believe you won't actually get hurt in the process, and that you will also enjoy it.

I don't doubt all the happiness we've shared, but now, with the Lin Yu you once knew truly grown up, I hope we can both take a step back and think about what kind of relationship would truly bring us both happiness in the future.

"Boss, you mean..."

“If you can finally face yourself now and no longer need violent possession to confirm your existence, then we can become a completely equal relationship. I will no longer vent my emotions on you; I will control myself.”

“But boss, this will make you suffer a lot.” Lin Yu’s first reaction was still to consider Chen Chao’s needs.

"My needs are important, and your needs are important too. If my need is to vent, and your need is to surrender, then all of that is fine. But if not, we can discuss a new way of getting along that suits us. Do you understand what I mean?"

I can always find other ways to handle my emotional problems, so you don't need to worry too much. I don't want you to suffer. Suffering depletes love, and I don't want the love between us to be consumed.

Lin Yu thought he probably understood Chen Chao's meaning, although he felt it was completely unnecessary. His feelings for Chen Chao would not change in the slightest, and he was willing for Chen Chao to do anything for him.

Chen Chao's possession was his happiness.

Chen Chao looked down and saw Lin Yu's eyes, and immediately understood what Lin Yu was thinking.

He smiled and tightened his arm around Lin Yu a little more: "Don't rush to answer me. Take some time to think it through. I won't influence you during this time. I hope your final decision is what you truly want."

Lin Yu gripped Chen Chao's clothes tightly, too moved to know what to say.

Chen Chao was so gentle that, in a place he himself didn't even care about, Chen Chao gently took a step back, giving him space to see his true self.

Before he even realized it, Chen Chao had already worried about his future.

“You grew up in Te’an and have had almost no contact with normal society. Take advantage of this time to experience it. Anyway, you can’t get rehabilitation or return to work during this period, so it’s pretty boring.”

Lin Yu nodded obediently in Chen Chao's arms. At this moment, his eyes were still filled with endless affection as he looked at Chen Chao: "Boss, I grew up in Te'an and had no childhood. I'm happy that you're letting me experience the normal world. But what about you? You didn't have a childhood either, right? What will you do?"

Chen Chao hugged Lin Yu tighter and gently kissed the corner of his eye: "I gave up a lot to sit in this position a long time ago. I'm already very happy that you went to see him for me."

Lin Yu hugged Chen Chao back and buried his chin in Chen Chao's neck: "Boss, why are you so good? You are really, really too good."

Chen Chao gently stroked the back of Lin Yu's head and said softly, "Go to sleep, and don't have any more nightmares."

"Um."