Unbearable

Steve hadn't expected Chen Jiu to come; he had only prepared dinner for Chen Chao, but fortunately, Chen Jiu didn't mind.

"You guys eat, I'm going to sit on the sofa for a while. Come find me when you're done." Chen Jiu didn't want to bother Steve to start the fire again, or waste any more time waiting for the chef to bring the food. He just wanted to chat with Steve; whether or not they ate dinner together was completely unimportant to him.

Chen Chao and Steve exchanged a glance, then didn't stand on ceremony. Their relationship with Chen Jiu truly didn't require any of the hypocritical formalities based on etiquette.

Because someone was waiting, Chen Chao and Steve didn't eat for long. Twenty minutes later, Chen Chao went upstairs to his study to work, and Steve handed a glass of juice to Chen Jiu and sat down next to him.

Chen Jiu stared at Steve for a while and found that Steve was surprisingly calm, not at all like someone who had just accepted that desperate mission.

"You accepted this mission, but when you came back you were still able to hug my brother like this. Didn't you know it was him who signed the order?" Chen Jiu couldn't help but ask.

“It’s not his fault, and he’s a victim too.” Steve paused here, turned his head to look Chen Jiu in the eyes, and said seriously, “Don’t blame him, he didn’t force me.”

"You said the same thing back in West Africa." Chen Jiu didn't buy it.

"Because you thought so too when it was about Sifests, but that's not true. You never believed him."

“Our brotherly relationship is indeed not good, and I’m not close to him. I trust you more than he does,” Chen Jiu admitted.

Steve sighed helplessly. The children of noble families had complicated family relationships, and they were not necessarily happier than him, an orphan.

“Back in Siefuri, you didn’t try to comfort me because of my background, and I don’t think you will now,” Steve changed the subject.

Unlike when facing Chen Chao, Steve and Chen Jiu are like close friends who appreciate each other, and they can talk about things in a relaxed manner.

They have many similarities, which makes them the most able to understand each other.

Chen Jiu held the juice and silently looked at Steve for a while.

Indeed, the last thing these people need is comfort, and the last thing they need is sympathy. Suffering is there; they choose to move forward because they choose to. Cheap comfort is useless in the face of suffering.

“You need to have something to hold onto, otherwise you won’t be able to endure it. I almost couldn’t endure it back then.” Chen Jiu’s gaze turned cold and devoid of warmth as he recalled the hell he had gone through.

"How did you manage to get through that?" Steve couldn't help but ask.

"Feiyu, at that time I thought that I had promised Feiyu that I would not betray him, so no matter what, not a single word of information could leak out of my mouth."

Steve, when pushed to the limit, there's very little you can hold onto. Our mental and physical strength don't allow us to think too much. In the end, the only pillar we can grasp is the most important one. You need to figure out what that is. And also…”

Chen Jiu paused here, looked at the ceiling, and his words became somewhat difficult: "There is only one thing I can protect, and I chose not to betray, so in the end I abandoned my pride and dignity and became utterly wretched."

I survived the torture, but not the poison. I'd beg for mercy, plead—I'd do anything as long as I wasn't forced to betray them. If it really comes to that, you have to be able to accept your own wretchedness, or you'll break down.

Liang Feiyu is Chen Jiu's lover and also Yun Xiao's special forces soldier. Chen Jiu chose him as her support during her most desperate time.

Steve thought that his pillar of support must be Chen Chao. His boss could always be the source of his strength.

“Humiliation training, a subject as important as torture in the training camp, I understand,” Steve replied.

“It’s different.” Chen Jiu shook his head. “Humiliation is inflicted by others, which is something we can naturally ignore. To put it bluntly, people like us wouldn’t feel anything even if we were raped, made to drink excrement, or forced to drink urine. But being driven to the brink of despair by torture, and having to voluntarily abandon our dignity for something we absolutely want to protect, that’s a kind of cruelty and self-destruction. Do you understand?”

Believe me, if I had any other choice, I wouldn't have pushed myself to this point. But the pain was too much; I had no strength left to uphold anything above my principles. I had no choice but to kill everything I had, including my dignity.

Steve hadn't experienced it himself, but from Chen Jiu's description, he figured he could roughly understand. His gaze darkened, for Chen Jiu and for himself.

“I brought this on myself back then. I had psychological issues later in the mission and got captured. But this time is different. Even if you're a special agent, you can't rush to send someone to hell.” Chen Jiu spoke sincerely and earnestly.

“But the rewards this time are great enough.” Steve sighed, his reply equally earnest. “Chen Jiu, I know you’re worried about me. I appreciate what you just said. But even if you’ve experienced that kind of hell, if you were in my position, would you accept this mission?”

Chen Jiu was speechless.

He had to admit that he would also accept the task.

“I’m different from you. My surname is Chen, and I’ve never had a choice. When I had a choice, Nutag was already my faith. If I were to deny this faith, I would be denying myself,” Chen Jiu explained.

“It’s all the same,” Steve said. “The faith is already there, and we can’t choose where it is. It’s the same for me, for you, and for him. You’re not here today to persuade me to refuse. You want me to refuse, but you don’t want me to refuse either.”

Chen Jiu remained silent.

"Chen Chao is the same."

You want me to refuse because of personal feelings, because you're worried about me, because you can't bear to see me refuse.

They don't want me to refuse because of the weight of this mission, because of our faith. After all, we have long ago sworn to give everything. So my choice will not be different from yours.

If this had happened any earlier, I probably wouldn't have made it. But now I'm with him, and I think I can get through it no matter what, no matter how unbearable it is.

"Really? My brother..."

“He is my faith. Chen Jiu, he carries a lot on his shoulders, but he doesn’t want to talk about it in front of others. He also feels guilty towards you.”

“It’s not his fault that I’m in this situation. I’ve never blamed him. We’re just not close,” Chen Jiu explained.

“I know, and he knows too, but he can’t blame the old minister.”

Chen Jiu leaned back against the sofa, closed his eyes, and seemed unwilling to talk anymore.

"To be honest, I felt a sense of relief when I saw that you were the one assigned to provide support. That was probably the only thing that made me feel a little more at ease during this mission," Steve said, tactfully changing the subject.

“But my backup can’t guarantee anything, and you’re not my priority in this mission,” Chen Jiu said, sitting up straight and opening her eyes.

"I know. But you have a better chance than others, don't you?"

The tacit understanding between top agents told Chen Jiu that the conversation had reached a conclusion.

“My brother said it will take three weeks to complete all the preparations. I will find my master tomorrow to start the rehabilitation training. I will not let you down.”

"I know, I believe you."

"Then I'm leaving." Chen Jiu stood up, drank the juice in her hand in one gulp, and then placed the empty cup on the tea table.

“Chen Jiu.” Steve stood up and called to him, “I think I will try my best to hold on even for his sake, but if I break down, don’t be soft-hearted when it’s time to get rid of me.”

Chen Jiu paused for a moment, then unconsciously clenched his fists at his sides: "I understand."

"Thanks."

They exchanged a knowing, trusting glance, and then Chen Jiu turned and left without hesitation.

Both of them saw the sea of ​​suffering ahead, but because they knew each other so well, they could not stop each other.

They could only silently believe that they had companions who could carry their faith to the other side.

Living up to their expectations is the only promise they can make, and understanding is the greatest support they can offer.

Besides that, all they can offer is themselves.

"Remember to save some of your and your brother's wedding candy for me," Chen Jiu said, turning back before closing the door.

Steve laughed upon hearing this: "Definitely."

When Steve came upstairs, Chen Chao was just going to take a shower. When he saw Steve come in, he naturally asked, "Finished talking?"

“We’re done talking.” Steve looked at Chen Chao, his tone somewhat resentful. “Boss, Chen Jiu doesn’t believe you, but you never bother to explain.”

"There's nothing to explain." Chen Chao's brows furrowed with his usual coldness, his voice as indifferent as ice water. "The Chen family owes him. Besides, if I cared so much about what others thought, I wouldn't be sitting in this position. I just hope you don't misunderstand me."

"Actually, Chen Jiu shouldn't owe you anything. People like us don't think about things that way. He's just not close to you. But today, he asked us to leave him some wedding candy at the end."

"Really?" Chen Chao laughed and put his arm around Steve's shoulder. "Let's shower together."

That night, Steve tossed and turned in bed, unable to fall asleep.

Chen Chao endured for a while, but finally couldn't resist and pulled Steve into his arms.

"What's wrong?" Chen Chao asked.

“Boss, I’m a little worried,” Steve said softly.

"Task?"

"Hmm. Chen Jiu said today that things might end up really bad." Steve buried his head in Chen Chao's chest. "Boss, if it really happens, and I become someone you can't accept, will you still want me?"

"What nonsense are you spouting!" Chen Chao scolded sternly. "Lin Yu, remember this: unless you stop loving me, no matter what happens, the place beside me will always be yours. How could I possibly not want you?"

"But……"

“And it wasn’t unbearable.” Chen Chao patted Steve’s hair on the back of his head reassuringly and sighed softly. “That time with Chen Jiu, the other party installed a high-definition surveillance camera with a microphone in the cell, and Te’an got that footage later. I watched it in its entirety.”

Steve was stunned. What kind of courage did it take to watch his own brother being tortured in its entirety?

"He didn't give in even when his fingernails were being pulled out piece by piece, but in the end, he was driven to despair by drugs."

Chen Chao slowed down his speech, as if this narration was also somewhat difficult for him.

"Do you know how I felt when I saw that scene? I didn't feel disgusted, I only felt admiration. He was in so much pain, so much pain that he gave up all his principles, he even gave up his dignity as a human being, but he still didn't betray. He didn't say a single word that he shouldn't have said. This is not disgusting, this is great."

"Boss!" Steve hugged Chen Chao even tighter.

"Lin Yu, I'll say it again: all I want is for you to come back. You don't need to worry about anything else. I won't let you down."

Steve hugged Chen Chao tightly, feeling his eyes involuntarily well up with tears. He leaned against Chen Chao's neck and replied, his voice slightly choked with emotion, "Okay, boss, I understand."

"Sleep well, be good." Chen Chao gently stroked his back, his voice soft.

And so, he embraced Chen Chao and fell into a deep sleep.