From the day that Lao Lin was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, Lin Chaoxi knew that anything in the world could happen to anyone.

But she is not yet able to be so open-minded as to think that "nothing is a big deal".

So she took some time to calm herself, even though her mind was almost disconnected from the environment at that time, and she was reacting to the surrounding environment purely instinctively.

The camping process includes barbecue, camping by the lake for one night, and hiking the next day.

Lin Chaoxi was assigned a three-person tent.

The girl in the same tent with her took her outside the tent. She bent down and crawled in, and the girl stood outside the tent.

The men's outdoor coat she was wearing was very obvious. The girl stared at her for a while and said, "I've been waiting for you for a long time. The barbecue is almost cold. Can I take you to eat something?"

Lin Chaoxi took off his coat, revealing the wet T-shirt underneath: "I'll change my clothes and go. It rained so hard when I came down the mountain just now that I'm all wet."

Her explanation made the girl relax: "Okay, I'll go first, you wait."

The other person left and considerately helped her zip up the tent.

The space suddenly darkened and was covered with haze.

Lin Chaoxi sat cross-legged like this for a while, then took out the note from the pocket of the clothes on his knees.

She looked at the content, only two short lines of text, but it made her feel extremely panicked.

She held the phone tightly in her hand, lighting up the screen and watching it go dark, repeating this over and over again, but in the end, she didn't type a single word.

——

Lin Chaoxi did not sleep all night.

The next day, everyone woke up early.

According to the schedule, the main task today is to climb the mountain.

The students were in high spirits because they were hit by a sudden rainstorm yesterday, which made others look forward to the trip to Nanshan Temple even more.

Everyone was carrying large and small bags, outdoor clothes and combat shirts, and holding the leftover steamed buns and corn from yesterday.

Lin Chaoxi stood at the entrance of the campground and said, "Be careful."

"Disciple, are you really not going?" Old Wang asked in pretended worry.

"I won't go. I have a psychological shadow."

"We also have psychological shadows!" Lao Wang and A Guang suddenly shouted, "Can we not go?"

"No, no." Lin Chaoxi pushed them and rushed them out. "You didn't go into the mountains to encounter a rainstorm. Go and feel the call of nature."

Xie Ran smiled and reached out his hand, hooking one of them at a time and dragging them out of the camp: "Thank you for taking care of the camp, classmate Lin."

Pei Zhichong nodded at her: "Be careful."

Lin Zhaoxi smiled and waved at them.

——

As the troops marched into the mountains, the campsite by the lake suddenly became empty. There was still a little smoke from the campfire last night, and the lake was sparkling in the distance.

Lin Chaoxi took some time to find a comfortable position. She sat cross-legged on a large rock by the lake and began to read the key points of the defense that Pei Zhi had mentioned on the bus yesterday.

Sometimes she would write down some ideas in a notebook, and sometimes she would follow the process summarized by Pei Zhi, thinking about the tricky questions that might be asked and their answers.

When she was distracted, she would pick up her phone to check the progress of everyone's climbing in the WeChat group.

The weather is very good today. The sun is shining and the wind is gentle in the mountains. The stream that swollen yesterday has calmed down and is flowing quietly.

Lin Chaoxi saw a photo of Lao Wang taking off his shoes and treading water. At that time, A Guang was downstream trying to taste the water. In short, the photo showed the two of them mixed together.

The sunlight filtered through the dense leaves of the mountain forest, and sometimes Lin Chaoxi would see Pei Zhi in the camera. His eyes were clear and bright, and soft spots of light fell on his face.

After about two hours, the entire team reached the gate of Nanshan Temple.

The WeChat group started posting photos of the mountain top. In front of Nanshan Temple, there are two towering ginkgo trees, with lush green treetops covering the entire building like a canopy, tranquil and majestic.

She twirled her pen, stretched out on a rock, put down her notebook, and began to look at the photos carefully.

Compared with the two towering ginkgo trees in front of the ancient temple, the temple itself seems inconspicuous.

The courtyard walls are dark yellow, the bricks and tiles are old.

Perhaps it was because there were squirrels strolling around the door, or perhaps it was because the monk at the door looked at the camera with such a kind and peaceful smile, the entire temple seemed to be completely independent of the entire space, a truly secluded place.

She followed the photo and entered the temple with them.

The students strictly followed the photography regulations and only took pictures of the mountains, trees, birds on the eaves, and clouds on the mountaintops after entering the temple.

She watched the short video of a koi flapping its tail for a while. Pei Zhi was holding the railing by the pond and happened to be in the shot.

She returned to the WeChat conversation interface and opened the conversation box with Pei Zhi. The last record was the time they had dinner together before Huajuan left.

Lin Chaoxi typed a few words - Do you want to chat when you are free?

White waves beat against the lake shore, and the foam was soft. Lin Chaoxi waited for a while, looked down at the reply, but his cell phone suddenly vibrated.

The two words "Pei Zhi" on the caller ID made her panic for a moment, but after pressing the answer button, she suddenly calmed down.

"Morning." Pei Zhi said.

Lin Chaoxi held his phone and said in a very straight-forward manner, "It's actually late. It's almost noon."

"There are many trees in the mountains and the fog has not yet dissipated. It still looks like morning," Pei Zhi said.

"Ahem." She cleared her throat. "The sun is very strong near the lake."

"Have you put on sunscreen?"

Pei Zhi's voice was gentle, as if he had guessed her intention, so he deliberately made some jokes to make her less nervous.

Lin Chaoxi's courage, which he had mustered, suddenly disappeared, leaving only an indescribable sadness.

She changed her position to hold the phone. The lake breeze blew through her hair. She reached out to tuck the hair behind her ears and said slowly, "No, I forgot."

There was a faint sound of wind coming from the phone. Pei Zhi should be walking. He was getting farther and farther away from the noisy crowd, waiting for her to speak.

Lin Zhaoxi: "No matter what I'm going to say next, if you feel you can't listen to it or find it hard to accept, you can just hang up the phone." She took a deep breath, "Really, it doesn't matter to me, you don't have to care."

On the other end of the phone, Pei Zhi was still walking. Lin Chaoxi even felt that he might not even stop for a moment.

"You said yesterday that you wanted to come up and light the ever-burning lamp?" Pei Zhi was very sensitive. He asked, "Now, you didn't come up because you wanted to ask me some questions that might embarrass me, so you wanted to give me the opportunity to choose not to answer and ignore you in the future?"

"yes."

"Thank you, I understand." Pei Zhi said, "You can ask, no problem."

Lin Zhaoxi: "You lent me your coat when it was raining yesterday. But I'm sorry, because of this, I accidentally saw some old injuries on your body. I remember that you studied MMA, and it's normal to have bruises on your body, but those are knife wounds, and they don't look like they were left by surgery."

"It was a knife wound," Pei Zhi said, "and it was definitely not caused by surgery."

The person on the other end of the phone was so calm as usual. Lin Chaoxi took a deep breath and felt sad: "I know that I am trying to pry into your privacy in the name of caring about you. This is inappropriate and even clumsy. But after thinking about it all night, I still want to ask two questions: What happened to you? Are you okay now?"

"Have you seen the note?" Pei Zhi suddenly asked.

"Yes, I also saw the note in my clothes. I'm very, very sorry." Lin Chaoxi did not find any reasons beyond the scope of the accident.

There was silence on the other end of the line again.

Lin Chaoxi was ready for Pei Zhi to hang up the phone, but she heard Pei Zhi's voice: "No wonder you are like this." He said, "I should be the one to say sorry. In fact, there is no need to be so serious. It was just a preparation. I am sorry to scare you."

Lin Chaoxi didn't know what to say. The lake was vast and misty, and Pei Zhi was actually comforting her.

"I don't quite understand." Lin Zhaoxi said.

Pei Zhi paused, and suddenly realized something: "You didn't call the number on the note?"

"I didn’t."

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why not call? You might get the answer straight away and then be able to pretend you knew nothing."

"It's a bit corny to say this, but I care about you a lot. If I saw it, I couldn't just pretend I didn't know." Pei Zhi was so sharp. Lin Chaoxi could only answer seriously, "And I actually hesitated for a long time with my phone in hand. But if I asked about your privacy without your knowledge, it would obviously be disrespectful to you."

"I understand." Pei Zhi's tone was very calm, and he didn't seem relieved. He sorted out, "You care about me very much. You were very worried after seeing the note, but out of respect, you had to ask me in person. After careful consideration, you chose the phone method. If I feel embarrassed by your question, I can just hang up the phone. You use this method to show your determination to let me turn a blind eye?"

"Yes, if you hang up, I will buy a bus ticket and go home, and I promise not to show up in front of you again."

There was silence on the other end of the phone again, and Pei Zhi seemed to be stunned as well.

After a while, he said, "Are you a little scared to leave like this?"

"Don't be so blunt..." Lin Chaoxi felt like crying.

Pei Zhi smiled helplessly, his tone was very gentle: "To be honest, there is no need for you to be so cautious in front of me. This matter has been a long time in the past for me, and there is no problem asking me. But after understanding your thoughts, I can only say, thank you very much."

Lin Chaoxi felt that Pei Zhi should go to an open place. She heard the sound of the wind and the thin and clear sound of birds.

She was silent for a while, and before she opened her mouth, Pei Zhi interrupted her at the right time.

He spoke calmly, "As I said earlier, the note was a kind of preparation, because I have a family history of mental illness. The first phone number on the note is from Yongchuan Tzu Chi Hospital. It is a specialized brain hospital that also treats many mental and psychological diseases. My former psychiatrist now works there. The second phone number on your note is his private mobile phone number."

Lin Chaoxi opened the notebook on his lap. On one of the pages, there was a note wet by rain. The handwriting was blurry but exceptionally calm. The answer to the two numbers on the note already existed.

"The reason I sought help from a psychiatrist was because I had a history of self-harm. During adolescence, I also had psychological conflicts that I couldn't handle, and the knife wounds on my body came from this."

The calmer Pei Zhi was, the sadder Lin Chaoxi felt: "Why... why?"

"Because my mother died."

The lake breeze was so cold that her eyes instantly turned red. After a while, she tried her best to make her voice sound less trembling.

"How could this happen?"

"Breast cancer," Pei Zhi replied. "As I said before, I have a family history of mental illness, so my mother has always been against me studying mathematics, thinking that problems in this field will cause me to develop schizophrenia symptoms, just like my father."

"She's wrong."

"Yes." Pei Zhi's voice was slightly nostalgic, "But she was sick at the time and asked me not to touch mathematics anymore, and I agreed. After she passed away, the promise I made to her brought me tremendous psychological pressure and made me very painful. Every time I finished reading something related to mathematics, I had to resort to self-mutilation to alleviate the guilt in my heart. I could cut a few knives on my body, and no one would notice, which would make me feel a little better."

Pei Zhi's voice was so faint that one could hardly feel any pain, but Lin Chaoxi felt extremely uncomfortable.

"When did...?"

"The summer vacation of my third year in junior high school."

So many things that cannot be said and cannot be said suddenly had answers.

That day, Pei Zhi sat in the cafeteria and told her that she had to go back. She didn't try to persuade him to stay, and she didn't even have a conversation like this.

She regretted it very, very much.

"I'm sorry." Her voice was so low that it was almost inaudible. "I'm really sorry..."

"Don't be like this. You haven't let me down. From the beginning to the end, the only person I have let down is myself."

Pei Zhi's voice was calm and sober: "You are right, my mother's view is wrong. It is also wrong for me to impose her wrong view on myself and make myself suffer."

He paused, and said with a rare resigned tone: "But at that time, no one at home cared about me, so it took me some time to realize that I couldn't go on like this."

"And then?"

"Then I went to the hospital and saw a professional psychiatrist. After entering the formal treatment process, I gradually realized that although I thought I was calm enough to get rid of the influence of my mother, her long-term anxiety disorder still caused me serious psychological problems."

“Anxiety disorder?”

"Yes, it's also some type of mental illness. That's why she was overly and unreasonably worried that I would develop schizophrenia because of mathematics." Pei Zhi smiled almost self-deprecatingly, "Even my psychiatrist said that it might be the combination of schizophrenia and severe anxiety disorder genes that gave birth to an outlier like me."

"No, you are amazing." Lin Chaoxi said.

"I should say that the professionalism is amazing," Pei Zhi said. "With the help of the doctor, I gradually realized that deep down, I actually agreed with my mother's point of view. I was very afraid that I would lose my mind like my father and become a complete lunatic. So I tried to use various methods to ensure that I was sober, including seeking help from him and all kinds of self-harming behaviors. The essence of all this is fear."

Pei Zhi made a frank self-summary, but Lin Chaoxi remained silent for a long time.

The footsteps on the other end of the phone gradually stopped, and Pei Zhi seemed to open a door.

The wooden door creaked, and Lin Chaoxi seemed to hear someone say "You're here".

She didn't know what Pei Zhi did, but it was probably a greeting.

"So the note you saw was a form of treatment at the time. It helped me overcome the fear in my heart." Pei Zhi's voice was very soft, and therefore even gentler. "And after I recovered, I still kept this note because it was more of a reminder. Even if I might really suffer from a mental illness one day in the future, I'm already prepared, so there's nothing to be afraid of."

Pei Zhi was extremely calm.

Lin Chaoxi's eyes fell on the note placed in the notebook - If you find any abnormality with me, please call: 021-56823xx or 189765434xx.

Lin Chaoxi thought that the two questions she asked had already received extremely frank and sincere answers.

——That's what happened, and I'm fine now.

She covered her lips, tears dripped onto the back of her hand, seeped through her fingers to the corners of her lips, and were both bitter and astringent.

"Do you have any wish?" Pei Zhi paused and suddenly asked her.

"I?"

"You seemed to want to come and offer a perpetual lamp yesterday, but now you can't come because of me, so I'm happy to do it for you." Pei Zhi paused, "And unfortunately, I also know some people. I don't have to mention Wang Meijuan's name in Shili Village, and I can get a discount."

"I'll transfer the money to you via WeChat?"

"Don't be so formal."

"How do I make a wish?"

"If it's convenient, tell me your wish and I'll write it for you and put it under the ever-burning lamp."

"Then please make a wish for me." Lin Chaoxi said.

"It seems like making a wish can't do the job for you."

"Don't be so formal." Lin Chaoxi laughed softly.

Pei Zhi seemed to agree with her.

A very brief conversation came from the phone: handing over money, paying, picking up a pen, and turning on a light...

A long silence followed.

"Are you done?" After a while, Lin Chaoxi couldn't help but ask.

"alright."

"What's it like there now?" she asked.

Pei Zhi did not answer, only a photo came through the Internet.

In the photo, half of the room was lit by flickering candles, and outside the wooden window were towering green mountains. She seemed to be able to see the long wind and the sky full of light.

Lin Chaoxi couldn't imagine how a 16-year-old boy could, after his mother passed away, have such great perseverance and try to seek help despite being covered in wounds.

She also didn't know how deeply a person had to analyze themselves in order to truly recognize the most vulnerable part of their heart and tell it to another person in such a calm way several years later.

She might never figure out how much effort Pei Zhi put in to become the person he is today.

He is extremely clear-headed and never hesitant. He knows who he is and what he is going to do. Moreover, he is always prepared to face bad luck.

Just before hanging up the phone, Lin Zhaoxi heard Pei Zhi say: "This place is beautiful, you should come and see it."