55. Panopticon

No matter how long time is stretched, it always has its limits. They spent this weekend feeling like it lasted forever, but the dreaded Monday always comes.

That day was the day Vivian reported to her new company. Dressing for the occasion, she had to put on a cashmere coat and high heels in the freezing cold, shivering as she made her way to the office. The new organization was particularly attentive to its appearance. The office, located in one of the city's most expensive buildings, was small, but due to the small staff, it was not large, occupying only half a floor. The layout was quite unique: aside from the CEO, who naturally occupied the corner office, everyone else had an equal share of open workstations.

Most investment institutions are partnerships. Although they have CEO and various CXO titles, they actually have different levels of authority. But on the surface, at least the partners are equal. It is rare for bosses to set up such a clear class for themselves.

This layout reminded Vivian of the term "panopticon," which aptly enough reminded her of Foucault in his book Discipline and Punish. He described this type of prison, where a single observer could monitor all prisoners, leaving them unable to determine whether they were being monitored. This design ensured that every prisoner constantly felt the constraints of morality and the demands of order.

By keeping everyone under observation, people will internalize the discipline. Simple, economical, and effective.

What Foucault was talking about was naturally not prisons, but the ubiquitous discipline and trial.

She suddenly felt that this place was interesting.

Since she wouldn't be staying in Beijing long, the administration staff assigned her a temporary office. She didn't mind; the spot, in a corner near a window, was perfect for observing the surroundings. It didn't take long for her to notice the slightly odd atmosphere—the overwhelming preponderance of female employees. While mid- and back-office departments typically have more women, this industry generally has a significant male preponderance; it's rare to see such a disproportionate number of women.

Her curiosity was mixed with a strange uneasiness.

But regardless, the new environment brings a sense of alarm, and the new life keeps people busy, which is a good thing. Being busy leaves neither the time nor the energy to wallow in emotions or self-pity. All morning, her polite smile remained welded to her face, because the open workstations denied her any privacy.

Putting on the mask wasn't difficult, but it was a bit tiring. Even finding a lunch partner was a hassle, not to mention the big issues.

Lunch buddies are an important part of the office. They eat together every day, creating a closeness beyond that of ordinary colleagues. On a sleepy afternoon, they might text, "Want a walk downstairs?" Then they'll stroll around for a few laps and share the latest gossip. If the situation is right, they might even share a few heartfelt comments. But don't overdo it. Being too open without reaching that level of closeness can feel awkward. It's like two close friends suddenly doing something beyond friendship, and then feeling incredibly awkward the next day.

This kind of relationship isn't really a friendship, let alone a confidant, but it's a way to survive as happily as possible in a toxic environment. Without it, it's a bit lonely.

It was lunchtime that day. Her colleagues were leaving with their friends. She was about to go downstairs when HRD Lin Bei approached her. "Vivian, I'll treat you to lunch at noon."

At this moment, Vivian was really grateful to her.

Lin Bei was a decent HRD, not necessarily sincere—seeking sincerity in the workplace is a futile endeavor—but professional enough. Over the course of a meal, she'd given Vivian a thorough account of the company's organizational structure, management system, and the personalities of the various partners. Some things weren't easy to say directly, but she hinted at them, staying within the parameters. It was easy to tell that the often-stoic Mr. Wang, who had interviewed Vivian, was the one who truly had the final say in the company. The other partners didn't sound like true partners, merely high-level professional managers.

Vivian was distracted for a moment: Why is she, such an obviously smart person, telling me so much?

Lin Bei, like the other women in the office, was dressed like a sophisticated urban beauty, making Vivian feel that her makeup was too light. But beneath her flawless makeup, there was a slight sense of fatigue.

Vivian realized at this moment that the strange atmosphere she felt was actually caused by the faint sadness on everyone's face.

At her previous company, things were quite the opposite: a vibrant, relentless battle of wits, each one fighting like a ragtag bunch for some unknown prize. The thrill of the battle was immense, and everyone's spirits were high, like they were on steroids.

After lunch, Lin Bei returned to the company. She had already prepared a guide to the outbound assignment process. She felt a little depressed when she received the document. Although it would take another month to integrate into the team, she was now truly entering the process.

Even at work, some people look at their workstations as if they're destined to stay there forever. They have nap pillows, skincare products, jars of chrysanthemums, goji berries, and brown sugar, snack boxes, facial cleanser, cream, umbrellas, sun hats, multiple pairs of summer-to-winter shoes under their desks, and several coats and jackets in their closets... Even if the outside world collapses, this place can last forever.

For a week now, her desk has been empty except for her computer, a coffee cup, and a box of tissues. Since life is limited, don't act like you're just living it up, lest you have to spend the effort of decluttering later.

It's not just about things; it's about relationships. Eric had left Beijing since their last meeting. This week at work, she was busy familiarizing herself with the company, the projects, and observing everyone, so she wasn't too distracted. But every time she left the office as the lights came on, a sense of sadness welled up in her.

Neither of them ghosted the other; they texted each other daily, but she always felt it wasn't enough. Of course it wasn't enough. They'd gone from being old acquaintances or good friends to this undefined relationship overnight. She didn't ask, because there was no need. But he didn't say anything either, and she was unhappy.

People are so double-standard.

Thinking back to that Monday morning, she woke up early. Although not a new employee, she was always prone to anxiety and was still very nervous about her first day on the job. While she showered, dried her hair, and put on makeup, he scrounged the few ingredients in the refrigerator and made a breakfast that was neither Chinese nor Western.

After she finished cleaning, she was very surprised: "So virtuous?"

He said proudly: "I relied on myself when I was abroad and became a half-cook."

"It's a shame I didn't get a chance to eat dinner." She hastily forked a fried egg, "Hmm, high-end seasoning, only requires simple ingredients."

"I'll make it for you next time."

She was in a hurry to eat and didn't answer.

Well, that's the bad thing about parting. No matter how nice the words are, they always end up being sad.

He knew she couldn't be late that day, so he didn't say anything more and just asked, "Can I borrow a book?"

"oh?"

"Didn't the novel Fortress Besieged say that borrowing books is the most convenient way for men and women to pursue each other? Borrowing is always followed by returning, and with a few exchanges, there's always an excuse."

"If you borrow it now, it will probably take half a year before you have the chance to return it to me."

"I'll take good care of it." He hesitated in front of her bookshelf for a long time and pulled out a book.

She turned her head: "Don't tell me which one it is."

She knew that weekend would become a defining moment in her life, the kind you'll always recall. Time flowed by like a torrent, a vast expanse of water. Beyond that window, there was no one else, no work, no commute, no traffic jams, no relationships, no office politics... Between heaven and earth, there was only you and me. As Sandy Lam sang, "I'm afraid time goes too fast/I can't see you clearly enough/I'm afraid time goes too slow/I worry day and night about losing you." Sadly, the person who had once cried so hard listening to that song with her was the one who ultimately made her cry alone. So she no longer believed in love; it was meaningless except for heartbreak.

If you rely on others, they will fall, but you will stand firm.

Before going out, they stood in the entrance hall and changed their shoes. She suddenly turned around, put her arms around his waist, buried her head in his chest, and was reluctant to let go for a long time.

"It's time to go out. Don't be late." He patted her. She didn't move.

His nose felt sore: "It's not like we'll never see each other again."

She let him go: "In fact, we have already seen many people in our lives for the last time, but we just don't know it yet."

"No." He stroked her hair gently, suddenly remembering the first time they had dinner together and when he sent her home. That was how they said goodbye. Back then, the head pat was just a small gesture he made casually, and it never meant anything.

Things are different now.

At this moment he wanted to say but couldn't: "If one day I have nothing and the years have passed, and I appear in front of your door like a dog drenched in the rain, will you hate me like everyone else?"

But of course I can't say such selfish words.

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