37. Meditation Song

How could I possibly hurt you?

The sky over Philadelphia was an exotic blue, but Li Xun had no time to appreciate it.

The Li Chi Orchestra's financial crisis has finally been resolved, with the new sponsor not only providing ample funding but also bringing in connections and resources.

The days of running around and anxiety, and the ecstatic joy of finally settling things over, were like a high fever, making the mother and son dizzy. When their fever subsided and their rationality returned, Li Xun realized that he had overlooked something important.

Curtis's acceptance letter has been released.

Li Xun realized it too late, only remembering to check two or three days later, and finally confirmed that his name was not there.

It was unexpected, but not entirely unexpected either, but it was still disappointing.

Li Xun became unusually anxious, not because of the failure itself, but because the result had disrupted his and Liang Chuling's previously clear path. He immediately wanted to contact her, but then suddenly remembered that he had given her far too little care during this time.

He belatedly realized that most of the good morning and good night messages he sent only received sporadic replies, and Liang Chuling hadn't shared anything about her life with him for almost ten days.

Li Xun sent Liang Chuling a WeChat message: Do you have time to make a voice call?

He felt that this kind of thing was really hard to explain in words, and he wanted to hear her voice, and also wanted her to hear his voice.

The phone remained silent; Liang Chuling did not reply.

Li Xunping was overwhelmed with mixed emotions from failing the exam and being out of touch with others. As the waiting time dragged on, he decided to deal with the backlog of messages.

During this time, he devoted himself entirely to Li Chi's affairs, barely even talking to Liang Chuling, and not even looking at other people's information.

You won't believe it until you see it, and what you find will shock you.

Friends' concerned inquiries, news screenshots forwarded in some groups, and even a few text messages from unfamiliar numbers trying to find out information.

Fragmented information is like pieces of a puzzle, piecing together a picture that is completely unfamiliar to him.

The marital crisis at the chairman of the Liang Group has escalated! His mistress and child attempt suicide in a busy city center!

[Piano prodigy Liang Chuling embroiled in family scandal!]

[Leung Chor-ling Allegedly Involved in Kidnapping Scandal, Allegedly Standing Up for Her Mother?!]

[The wife makes tearful accusations, while the former mistress turns against her and speaks out!]

Li Xun saw the report of Liang Chuling's mother's interview, Lin Jiani's long article, and also those malicious speculations and clickbait headlines.

Annoyance, anger, confusion, worry, fear... a whole host of emotions surged within me.

The shock of information and the emotional upheaval made his vision go black, and he barely managed to stand by holding onto the wall next to him.

--

Compared to the tumultuous situation on Li Xun's side, Liang Chuling's life has been quite peaceful recently—perhaps because she was in a state of high emotional stress before—her father's betrayal, her mother's near death, touching the gray area of ​​morality, witnessing others break down and commit suicide because of her, and being dissected by public opinion across the internet.

So when the storm subsided, she entered a state of eerily calm.

She ate and slept well, methodically packing her luggage in preparation for her trip to Curtis. She accompanied Ms. Ma and Aunt Zhang, helping them move their belongings little by little into the new house.

Chestnut is preparing to move last. According to cats' habits, they should wait until the new home is fully furnished and the cat is familiar with the smell before asking it to move. So it is still living in the original house.

Liang Chuling also confirmed the follow-up video piano lessons with Lin Jiani. The thought of her about to travel across the ocean to teach Lin Jiani online made her feel like she was in another world, and she also had the illusion that she was becoming more and more similar to Li Chi.

Jinxi called that day, sounding a bit urgent, and asked her to come to her house.

Liang Chuling left. Jin Xi quickly pulled her into the study.

The study has changed a lot. Familiar items include the jellyfish tank and bookshelves, but the photocopied certificates on the bookshelves are gone, replaced by the trophy that Liang Chuling customized.

In addition, there was a piano—which Liang Chuling had someone move over to give to Jinxi.

I noticed there was no piano at Jinxi's house when I last visited; Liang Chuling certainly doesn't lack one...

It's just gathering dust anyway, it's better to give it to someone who needs it.

Jinxi pointed to the jellyfish tank, her voice tinged with sadness: "Chuling, look at Xunxun."

Liang Chuling leaned closer to take a look.

The Atlantic sea nettle jellyfish that she had adopted, Xunxun, had lost its graceful appearance. Its bell and tentacles had shrunk to a very small size, curled up into a semi-transparent gelatinous mass, and was slowly floating in the water.

“My dad said that judging from its condition, it only has one or two days left before it melts into water and disappears. So he quickly called you to come and take a look.”

It was once so beautiful, shimmering with a dreamlike brilliance in the water.

Even the most brilliant life has a fixed cycle. When the time comes, it disappears silently, returning to its most primitive state, as if it had never existed.

Liang Chuling looked at the jellyfish that was about to die. How absurd! They were waiting, waiting for its death.

Actually, during this period she deliberately avoided feeling her own emotions and didn't think too deeply about anything. After the ups and downs of her emotions, she entered a period of refractory time.

This fosters a distorted form of independence.

Similarly, she hardly missed Li Xun.

She no longer had the energy to engage in a deeply emotional and intimate relationship, so her brain simply stopped her from thinking about it.

But upon seeing Xunxun, she thought of Li Xun.

Liang Chuling stayed at Jinxi's house for two days, sitting by the jellyfish tank the whole time, her thoughts drifting far away, or perhaps just blank.

The jellyfish had become even more transparent, its outline indistinguishable, like a lump of jelly.

Liang Chuling pressed her forehead against the glass wall, and at that moment, her phone rang.

It was Li Xun's phone call; it was a call from Li Xun's domestic number.

Liang Chuling stood up straight immediately; he was back.

That just so happens, she also has something she wants to say to him.

When the call connected, sure enough, Li Xun's voice was hoarse: "Liang Chuling, I'm at your door. Are you home? Let's talk."

“I’m not home,” Liang Chuling said calmly.

"Where are you? I'm coming to find you." His tone was urgent.

Liang Chuling stared at the transparent mass in the jar, not replying, but instead throwing the question back at her: "Is there something you need?"

She thought he would ask about the recent incident.

However, Li Xun paused for a moment, then said, "I'm sorry, Curtis did not accept me."

Liang Chuling exclaimed, "Huh?"

Li Xun seemed to have already prepared a plan, offering many solutions, each one clear and rational, like he was planning a project: "I can apply to other schools in Philadelphia, and I can still come to see you and keep you company in my spare time. Or, I can apply again next year and try again. Can you wait for me for a year? Of course, if you find it inconvenient, I can also..."

He also listed how to use meticulous planning to make up for the failures and maintain the future they had originally envisioned.

Liang Chuling didn't hear what he said next.

Her gaze lingered on the tank, on the Atlantic sea bream named Xunxun. The last trace of its outline vanished before her eyes as it completely melted into the water, indistinguishable from the surrounding seawater, as if it had never existed.

A profound sadness overwhelmed her, and tears fell without warning.

This is truly remarkable, because during this time she remained neither sad nor happy, relying on this numb shell to maintain a calm exterior, handle various matters, and avoid feeling the turmoil beneath.

But this single tear evoked a thousand emotions.

When facing the media, Ms. Ma took all the blame upon herself, and even secretly visited the woman and child at the nursing home.

Aunt Zhang, despite her advanced age, still got into a shouting match with anti-fans and media who came to her doorstep.

Chestnut has been quietly following her around lately, nuzzling her head, but she rarely hugs it like she used to.

Lin Jiani showed her concern and comfort from time to time, and always replied to comments online.

The email Zhou Xu sent said, "This whole thing started because of me, so don't let it define you. I hope you're doing well."

Every few days, Jinxi would bring food cooked by her father to Liang Chuling's house.

Apologies, regrets, joy, happiness, dissatisfaction, pain, sadness... countless emotions that had been suppressed before now surged towards her like a tsunami, almost drowning her.

What she felt most clearly was the grief over Xunxun's death, followed by the tension over the kidnapping case that Li Xun might ask about.

She didn't want to hear any comments from him about the matter, as it would make her feel that her carefully maintained facade would instantly crumble, revealing the despicable self beneath.

Liang Chuling suddenly felt that she was a terrible person.

She exploited Zhou Xu's obsession, hurting innocent women and children, causing Madam Ma and Aunt Zhang to live in fear for her, neglecting Li Zi, dragging Lin Jiani and Jin Xi into the mess, and even changing Li Xun's life.

Dependence equals passivity, and passivity equals victimization.

Li Xun's gentleness was once the rope that held her at the edge of a cliff.

But now, she feels she has climbed ashore, and she is obsessed with the idea that any kind of entanglement could become a new weakness, and could once again plunge her into a passive waiting and dependence situation.

She told herself that she could do everything on her own and that she didn't need anyone's comfort.

Li Xun and his love are a symbol of her past cowardly self.

As long as she's with him, she'll always see that version of herself who needs to depend on others.

She had to sever ties with him in order to completely kill that weak old self and move towards a new, independent self.

On the other end of the phone, Li Xun paused, not hearing any response. He became a little nervous: "Liang Chuling?"

Liang Chuling did not answer. The study was small and cramped, so she leaned against the jellyfish tank and could reach out and touch the large octave of the piano. Unconsciously, Liang Chuling's fingers pressed a series of notes.

Do you remember?

Music is a completely personal art form; it relies on intuition and sensibility, and it cannot conceal a person's lifestyle and personality.

In the face of emotions, skills and pretense fail, leaving only helpless sincerity.

Li Xun possessed such excellent discernment. He easily detected the profound sense of separation in Liang Chuling's string of notes.

He wanted to pretend he hadn't heard, but he couldn't, because Liang Chuling liked his honesty, and he couldn't abandon the quality she admired.

So he opened his heart to himself: "Liang Chuling, you've decided to break up with me, haven't you?"

Liang Chuling stopped typing. Strangely enough, she was even a little surprised: "Yes. Li Xun, go do your own thing, live your own life, and stop revolving around me."

"……What's the meaning?"

Liang Chuling: "You must have understood what I meant."

"Why? Just because I didn't get into Curtis?"

"right."

"Can we meet in person to talk?" Li Xun couldn't accept being sentenced to death over the phone.

"No. There's no point in meeting."

"Why is it meaningless? I was too busy before and didn't pay attention to you in time. I'm sorry. A while ago, so many things happened in your family. I saw those news reports, and I..."

"Stop talking!" Liang Chuling interrupted sharply. "Those are all in the past."

Yes, I am a kidnapper! I not only kidnapped that child, I kidnapped you too! I am a kidnapper, are you satisfied now? That's why I can't face you, whom I have kidnapped. Liang Chuling tilted her head back, as if trying to stare through the ceiling.

"Can I see you?"

"No, no, no, no, no, no!" she refused until she was exhausted.

"Why can't we meet and talk? Don't you even have the courage to see me?" For the first time, Li Xun clearly showed his emotions out of control, his voice filled with pain.

"I just can't. I don't want to see you again."

"Just because of one failure, are you going to deny all our feelings?"

Liang Chuling regained her composure: "You admit you've failed?"

Li Xun was stung: "Yes, I failed. Is that really why? Is our relationship so fragile?"

What do you think?

"You're not that kind of person. Is there something else I don't know about? Liang Chuling, can we meet and talk? Don't reject me like this. I think there might be some misunderstanding between us that we haven't cleared up?"

"Then what kind of person do you think I should be?" Liang Chuling ignored what he said afterward, as if she could only hear the first sentence, "I am this kind of person, I am this terrible, this arbitrary, this indifferent, this cruel."

Li Xun didn't know what to do. After a moment of silence, he suddenly changed the subject: "But we promised to go to the Arctic together. I said I would give you the best love, I..."

Liang Chuling interrupted him: "If you want to give me the best love, it's now. Take your love and leave me."

Li Xun felt as if the dam had been breached, and the floodwaters were raging. He felt confused, aggrieved, and angry as he floated in the water.

Why did it end like this? Why wasn't they even given a chance to try and salvage the relationship face-to-face?

"Why? Why can't we meet and talk about this! Why!" Li Xun's voice was trying hard to hide his sobs. "Is it because you think I'm not good enough for you anymore, that I'm shameful to you? So you're going to kick me aside, is that it?"

These words were almost harsh; Li Xun had never imagined he would speak to Liang Chuling in such a tone. The moment he uttered them, he was the one who was hurt first.

But he desperately wanted to break through her indifference and make her confront his existence and pain.

As a result, Liang Chuling didn't say a word.

Li Xun had no choice but to persist: "If you won't meet me, then I'll just keep waiting for you at your doorstep."

Liang Chuling sighed: "Why did you do this?"

Li Xun, with nowhere to hide, choked out a sob that rose like a bullet: "I don't want to be separated from you..."

Liang Chuling was shot. She closed her eyes, and tears streamed down her face again. Why didn't anyone tell her that even if she tilted her head back, the tears would still fall? "You are hurting me like this."

harm……

These two words were so heavy that both people on the other end of the phone fell silent.

After a long silence, Li Xun finally spoke, his voice filled with confusion: "Were you hurt by me?"

Liang Chuling answered with all her might, "Yes."

Li Xun seemed to have all his strength suddenly drained away.

All his explanations, all his plans, all his insistence, seem pale in comparison to these two words.

So tired, so absurd, his eyes instantly reddened, but he stubbornly raised his head to stop the tears from falling.

What, can't he be proud?

He sneered inwardly, but secretly wept.

Slowly, yet with a resolute air, she said, "Fine, then that's settled."

She paused, as if examining herself, her tone confused: "I don't even know if the person who would hurt you is still me. I also feel like a stranger to myself now."

The last sentence fell softly: "How could I possibly hurt you?"