101 | (One Hundred) Aphasia Patient / The Person I Can't Live Without Has Always Been Me

The setting sun was listless, unable to penetrate the clouds, its light dim, and so were people.

After a brief pause, Su Xingmao nodded gently and said, "I didn't hide from you."

Where did you go?

"He fell asleep in the car."

Xie Qingyan bent down, turned on his phone, and illuminated the face hidden in the shadows. Sure enough, he saw the bluish marks spreading under Su Xingmao's eyes. He avoided the light, and when his eyelashes drooped, they covered his face completely, making it hard to see, just like a small duckweed hiding under a lotus leaf.

What time did you go to sleep last night?

"I forgot."

"So you didn't even sleep before saying goodnight to me?" Xie Qingyan seized on the key point and, in front of him, slid into last night's chat history.

It was exactly 11 p.m.

Xie Qingyan had just finished washing up when Su Xingmao sent her a "goodnight" message. Xie Qingyan was a natural night owl and didn't want to sleep until midnight, so she replied irritably, "Then you go to sleep."

It is obvious that the person who said those words was angry.

It was a bit like whining, but also a bit like being stubborn, hoping the other person would ask, "Aren't you sleepy yet?" or "Want to chat a little longer?" But who knew this bookworm would actually say no more.

Xie Qingyan was proud and arrogant; it was already quite an achievement for him to utter such a sentence, but he was oblivious to the meaning behind it.

Now we know that Su Xingmao didn't sleep at all, and is suspected of having insomnia.

This is infuriating!

God knows how many times she checked her phone in a minute after saying that yesterday.

Xie Qingyan would never admit that she was expecting the notification sound.

To distract herself, Xie Qingyan angrily tossed aside her phone, got up with a thud, tore off a face mask and put it on her face. Five minutes later, she glanced at her phone seemingly unintentionally, only to find that her WeChat account was empty.

After scrolling through Douyin for another ten minutes, she ripped off her face mask and threw it into the trash can.

Let's look at it again.

She just said the same thing again: "Then you should go to sleep."

Is Su Xingmao really asleep? How dare he fall asleep?

Xie Qingyan went to the window again and saw that the light next door was indeed off.

I climbed back into bed and tossed and turned for a while before finally falling asleep.

Xie Qingyan stared at him, her lungs about to explode with anger.

"Why aren't you sleeping? Why aren't you talking to me?" Xie Qingyan grabbed his collar and shouted, "What are you doing?"

“…”

With his collar pulled up and his throat tightened, Su Xingmao raised his head, struggling to breathe.

"Tell me quickly, what are you doing!"

His gaze was fixed on her angry face, and he calmly replied, "...I was thinking of you."

Um? !

Missing her?

Oh, okay... that's more like it.

The bristling fur on his back was smoothed out slightly.

Xie Qingyan couldn't help but raise the corners of his mouth slightly, but then realized that he was holding his collar. He quickly coughed lightly, forcibly suppressing the smile, and revealed a fierce look, still not letting him go: "Are you crippled, or are you stupid? Do you only know how to think with your brain? Where is your action!"

As the sounds of people in the corridor faded into the distance, her clear voice echoed in the empty classroom.

"You've been rehearsing very late lately, you should get some rest earlier."

Xie Qingyan sensed something was amiss: "Are you blaming me?"

He denied it: "No."

"Su Xingmao, what are you pretending for? You're just blaming me!" Xie Qingyan retorted sarcastically. "Why don't you look in the mirror and see the resentful look on your face? You're clearly unhappy, so why are you pretending to be so understanding?"

She pressed a finger against his brow and roughly smoothed it out to both sides. Only then did Su Xingmao realize that his brows had been furrowed ever since he saw her.

"You did nothing wrong, I don't want to blame you."

Su Xingmao changed his words, his lips slightly pursed, like a smooth line.

Actually, using "cannot" or "not qualified" would be more appropriate.

But that word was too sharp, like a needle with its edge exposed, and their relationship, the contradictions that lay between them, were like thin gauze, like sun-dried paper, too fragile, easily torn apart and shattered.

Su Xingmao dared only to thread the needle indirectly, avoiding the fuse that would ignite her anger.

"You only say you don't want to blame me, but your actions are blaming me." Xie Qingyan refused to take the thread he carefully offered. Instead, she grabbed the corner of the paper, trying to tear it to pieces, forcing him to admit he was angry, and then deliberately ignoring her!

It stands upright like a piece of wood.

He shut his mouth and stopped speaking.

Xie Qingyan was most annoyed by his taciturn nature. Even when they were children, he never said anything. Whether he was happy or not, he always had that deadpan expression. When others saw this, they would think, "Oh, she's all aggressive, but he's silent. She must be being unreasonable and bullying me again."

Why aren't you saying anything? Did I hit the nail on the head? You're doing this on purpose!

"Say something!" Xie Qingyan was frantic and tried to pry his mouth open with her hands.

Su Xingmao looked at her: "Xie Qingyan, what do you want me to say?"

"Are you out of your mind? What do you mean, 'I want you to say something'? Can't you express yourself, or is your mouth just for decoration?"

Xie Qingyan was about to explode with anger at his stubborn attitude.

"May I?" Su Xingmao suddenly looked up, his gentle brows furrowing, like a rope twisted with a sharp sword, tossed up and stabbing sharply at her.

He pressed his fingers to suppress his increasingly erratic pulse and calmly asked, "If what I say will damage our current relationship, and even make it difficult to maintain this meager facade, why should I say it?"

Xie Qingyan was stung by his words, her expression turning frantic, her chest heaving violently: "Do you think I'd be happy if you didn't say anything, pretended not to care, but actually cared to death?"

She might be a bit oblivious, but she wasn't stupid. Su Xingmao had clearly been staring at her for a long time, then he started overthinking, couldn't sleep, and ignored everyone—he was acting like a lunatic! That only annoyed her more, wasn't it? She didn't like coaxing people.

The constellation Mao lowered its eyes and slowly shook its head.

His voice was low and dejected: "I don't know."

I don't know if tormenting me will make you happy.

Would you be happy to see me so miserable and anxious because of you?

"you do not know?"

Xie Qingyan found it hard to believe. Wasn't her behavior and her indulgence clear enough? Could his supposedly intelligent brain really not see it at all?

Xie Qingyan didn't understand. She was too young and inexperienced. Faced with budding feelings, her immature heart didn't know how to be considerate.

It is a natural instinct to put oneself in another's shoes.

She thought that the constellation Mao would understand... but what could someone who has never received a definite answer understand?

He will only wander aimlessly in eternal waiting, lingering in the fog called her, losing himself in the process.

He hated waiting, yet he had no choice but to wait.

For a long time, he was like a migratory bird that had lost its way, wandering in the sky off the shore, with nowhere to land.

When her gaze swept over him, when he couldn't feel her care, when he was ignored and forgotten, his heart collapsed, his soul disintegrated, leaving nothing behind.

Her nonchalant gaze was the thread that guided his actions.

She didn't know how much he resembled her puppet; she could easily ensnare his heart.

He was the one who was tamed.

Love can make people lose their rationality.

But he insisted on liking her in this irrational, almost self-torturing way.

"Um, I don't know."

Xie Qingyan bit her lip tightly. For some reason, she felt a little wronged, as if her tender heart had been rejected. Her eyes were filled with sourness: "You! I can't be bothered with you. If you want to be sullen, then be sullen. Say what you want, I'm leaving."

Xie Qingyan pretended to roll off him: "Get off me, who cares about you!"

She had just put her foot down when a hand grabbed her from behind.

Su Xingmao gripped her wrist tightly, looked up at her, and asked, "Are you willing to listen to me?"

Her voice trembled, as if she were sniffling, but she was not to be outdone: "I asked you to speak earlier but you wouldn't, now I don't want to hear it."

Looking up at her, his eyes dimmed.

Through her veiled eyes, she secretly glanced at him. In her misty eyes, he looked as if it were raining, his face and the sky as gray as ever.

He then changed the subject: "...unless you beg me."

Without hesitation, he replied, "Please."

Xie Qingyan wiped her eyes, tears falling in a soft patter, her proud head refusing to bow.

She turned back demurely: "...Then you tell me."

"Xie Qingyan".

"It's me who needs you."

Su Xingmao spoke calmly, his tone and gaze utterly undisturbed.

"From childhood to adulthood, I've always needed you. I've always been the one who can't live without you."

"Do you care about me?"

"Xie Qingyan".

Su Xingmao grasped her hand in return, his ten fingers like vines, gently wrapping around her.

The temperature and the throbbing pulse pulled at her heartbeat along her skin.

Will she know that he wasn't silent because he didn't want to talk, but because he had so much to say that he didn't know where to begin?

He really wanted to ask her.

Can I kiss him? Answer him honestly.

At this moment, is your heartbeat in sync with mine?

Will you gaze out that window at midnight and miss my face? Will my image appear in your dreams? When you wake up in the morning... will you smile because you think of me?

Do you feel happy when you're with me? Do you look forward to tomorrow because of me?

I want to know everything about you.

And most importantly—you like me too, right?

So, may I greedily wish that my name will be written in your future?

The boy's words echoed in her ears. Xie Qingyan was stunned. This was not a noisy summer, but a frog had run into her heart, hopping and croaking noisily.

He gazed at her and said, "I am always silent in front of you, like someone with aphasia. Because I love you, my words are so clumsy, and I don't know how to express myself."

Even though I have a thousand words stuck in my throat, I'm a foolish person who doesn't know how to love. Can you teach me how to tell you all of this, without reservation?