Chapter 40

Shen He glanced at the time; it was almost three o'clock. Chen Yuchuan must have sensed something was wrong with him over the phone and driven all night from City B to come over. Shen He felt a little helpless.

“It’s getting late.” He turned to Chen Yuchuan and said, “You can sleep on the sofa for now, and when you get back tomorrow…” He paused, “Don’t come looking for me again.”

Chen Yuchuan stood still, his profile appearing even sharper in the dim light and shadow. His gaze slid down from Shen He's face, to his neck, and then to his collarbone.

"It's nothing," Chen Yuchuan said, his voice a little hoarse. "I'm going back to my apartment."

Shen He hummed in agreement, without trying to stop him.

Chen Yuchuan reached out to pull the door open, then stopped.

"Sink into the river," he whispered, "one last hug."

Shen He looked up at him. The other man's eyes were pitch black, as if all light had vanished into them. For a moment, he couldn't tell if it was a plea or something else.

Shen He softened his heart.

The embrace lasted a long time, and Shen He felt Chen Yuchuan's breath on his neck, a little hot. The arms were tight, but restrained in their force.

Chen Yuchuan lowered his head, and then Chen He felt a sharp pain on the side of his neck.

It wasn't a heavy kiss, but rather a long-planned one.

"What's wrong with you?" Shen He's voice turned cold.

Chen Yuchuan tightened his arms around him, controlling the force with which he tried to push him away.

A few seconds later, Chen Yuchuan finally let go and gently kissed the spot where he had been bitten.

"Sorry, I couldn't help it," Chen Yuchuan said softly, his tone gentle but ambiguous.

He took a step back and smiled.

"You—" Chen Yuchuan interrupted Shen He before he could finish speaking.

“I know,” Chen Yuchuan said. “This is the last time.”

After he finished speaking, he turned and walked towards the door. This time, he didn't pause and simply opened the door and went out.

Shen He walked to the bathroom, turned on the light, and looked at his neck in the mirror. There was a ring of teeth marks on his skin, with a small break in the skin in the middle, from which a little blood was seeping out. It wasn't serious, but it was quite noticeable.

There's another match the day after tomorrow.

Shen He stared at the mirror and couldn't help but curse, "Damn it."

Chen Yuchuan did not return to the apartment.

There was the coat he'd left behind during his last overnight stay, and the old clothes he'd taken when he'd had someone tidy up Shenhe's dorm. Looking at those things, still bearing Shenhe's scent, felt like self-torture.

He drove back to City B and went straight to the base. His fingers were still trembling slightly as he gripped the steering wheel. When the red light came on, he stopped the car, leaned back in his seat, and closed his eyes.

The taste of the sunken river still lingers in my mind.

It has a very faint shower gel scent, and a slight sweet, metallic taste of blood.

The taste still lingered on his tongue.

He wanted to go back.

But he restrained himself.

Back at the base, Chen Yuchuan slumped into his chair and stared at the box Shen He had given him for a long time.

Inside the box was a figurine of the hero he used when he won the championship last year. It was meticulously crafted, not a product made by the official company to make money; every detail was exquisite and perfect, and his ID and the date of the championship were engraved on the base.

There was also a card under the figure.

Chen Yuchuan picked up the card and recognized Shen He's handwriting. The card contained only one line of text:

"The world's best jungler is awesome."

Chen Yuchuan stared at the line of text and suddenly laughed.

He put the card back in the box and logged into the game. There was a small red dot in the upper right corner; he clicked it, and it showed a system message:

[Your friend Styxxxxx gifted you the skin: Champion Jungler - Blood Hunter]

That's an official limited-edition skin for last year's champion team, which was just released last week. This account is basically only used for ranked games with Shen He now, and hasn't been logged into for a while. The skin was obviously bought by Shen He and given to him as a gift as soon as it was released.

Chen Yuchuan tossed his phone aside, leaned back in his chair, and closed his eyes.

He recalled what Shen He had said that night: "If you had confessed your feelings to me before, I would have accepted."

He felt an emptiness inside. At that moment, he truly believed he had gained something, but in the end, he watched helplessly as the sunken river receded further and further away from him.

He suppressed his breathing, his chest feeling as if something was blocking it. All his resentment, jealousy, and desire surged up.

If it weren't for Zhou Wen, if he hadn't lied to me, if he hadn't brought Shenhe's parents with him.

He and Shen He should have...

My thoughts came to an abrupt halt.

Chen Yuchuan opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling.

We need to find a way to kill Zhou Wen.

ASG lost this week's match. Not a close loss, but a complete rout. Their decision-making was chaotic in both the early and mid-game, and their opponents were a strong team, quickly ending both matches.

Shen He's stats weren't bad, and his KDA was pretty good, but everyone could see that he was just completing the task. Those amazing plays that made the audience gasp and his decisive actions in turning the tide in desperate situations were nowhere to be seen.

It doesn't make any mistakes, but it's not particularly outstanding either.

The entire club took this review very seriously. The coach spoke for a full two hours.

After the event, the team members left one after another. Shen He got up and was about to leave when the coach called him back.

"Chenhe, you stay here for a moment."

Chen He stopped and turned around. The coach and manager were still sitting at the conference table.

"Please sit down," the manager smiled and gestured to the chair opposite him.

He walked back to the river and sat down.

“I’ve reflected on the problems of the past few weeks,” the coach said. “Maybe I was too stubborn in my thinking before, always wanting to play a system centered around the top and jungle.”

The manager nodded: "But the results were not ideal."

He added, "The team is in a state where it needs a player who can truly step up and carry the team."

“So I was thinking,” the coach leaned back in his chair, looking at the sinking river, “we could try playing around you.”

Shen He frowned.

"You are the most talented player on the team, there's no doubt about that," the coach said. "And your playstyle is actually more suited to being the core player. If we adjust our tactical approach and allocate resources to the bottom lane, we can let you dominate the late-game tempo."

"No." The coach and manager were stunned when Shen He refused.

"Why?" the manager asked.

"I'm not feeling well," Shen He said calmly.

"That's because the current tactical system doesn't suit you," the coach said. "What if we change our approach—"

"The season is already more than halfway over," Shenhe interrupted him. "With only four or five games left, changing the core player at the last minute could easily affect the team's performance."

"But if we don't make the change, we won't even make the playoffs," the coach said bluntly.

Shen He wanted to say, "This has nothing to do with me."

The manager chuckled: "You don't want to play the core position?"

Shen He looked at him but did not respond.

"Never mind," the coach sighed. "You should go back and rest first. We'll discuss this further."

Shen He stood up and nodded.

The manager called him back as he reached the door: "If you need any help, just say so. Don't keep it to yourself."

Shen He didn't turn around, just hummed in agreement, and pushed open the door to leave.

Back in his dorm, Shen He glanced at his phone.

The forum has been discussing ASG non-stop for the past few days.

What's wrong with ASG? They've been in poor form for three consecutive weeks.

"To be honest, ASG's problems this season are too obvious. Their thinking is chaotic, and their key decisions are a mess. It feels like five people are playing five different games."

"I told you long ago that the coaching staff had big problems, but after so many games, they still haven't made any changes. They'll just have to accept this outcome."

"Teams that buy Styx to play utility roles are short-sighted and won't last long."

"Styx has lost his spark, he plays like a third-rate AD now."

"Hilarious, is this the number one ADC in ranked matches? I think he's the number one noob in ranked matches."

"Stop cursing, stop cursing. They're the most handsome and genuine couple in the Rift. They're so busy flirting that they can't concentrate on the game."

Further discussion follows the sinking river.

[Did any of you ladies notice the bandage on Styx's neck?]

"Holy crap! I zoomed in on the screenshot, and this location... you know what I mean (doge)."

"Help! The Sichuan dog actually bites!"

"Wow, this is the real deal, those who know, know."

"Be rational, kid. It might just be your girlfriend asserting her dominance. Don't get carried away."

"I think it's his girlfriend. You can see how unstable he's been lately; it's definitely because of his relationship."

"Uh, so if the man isn't feeling well, then it's all about the sister-in-law, right?"

"Sister-in-law my ass, Styx is my sister-in-law."

[Right now, I just want to know what's wrong with Styx. His playstyle seems completely different from when he first started.]

"I don't think it has much to do with his love life. He's only 21 years old. He was criticized by a group of people for picking heroes randomly, so he was under a lot of psychological pressure."

"I agree with the comment above. ASG has been making him play a support role, which is torture for a talented player."

"Yes, even though he had a cold expression when he was playing around with the game, you could tell he liked it."

"Speaking of which, ASG started to fall apart after they started picking heroes normally..."

"So is it psychological pressure causing your poor performance, or is it that your emotional entanglement with Chen Yuchuan makes you unable to concentrate on playing games?"

"Can CP fans please wake up? They're just two straight men, why are you making such a fuss?"

"Straight men? Hah."

Upon seeing this, Shenhe left the forum.

The words danced on the screen, densely packed, like countless mouths speaking at the same time, buzzing and making his head ache.

He stared at the black screen of his phone and couldn't help but mutter under his breath, "That idiot Chen Yuchuan."

But after he finished cursing, he paused for a moment. He had indeed been extremely annoyed these past few days. The thought of Chen Yuchuan liking him gave him a headache, but strangely, when he thought of Chen Yuchuan driving all night from City B, and all those noisy companionships and cares he had received in the past, he felt a strange mix of emotions.

He spoke so harshly that night that even he himself felt he had gone too far.

But he couldn't explain why he did that; it wasn't because he was angry, nor because he disliked Chen Yuchuan.

He genuinely considered him a brother, but he also genuinely hated the feeling of being liked by others.

Shen He sighed and tossed his phone aside. Maybe he should see a psychologist.

"You said your sleep quality has been very poor lately." The doctor flipped through the records. "What exactly happened?"

“If you close your eyes, you will see some things.” Shen He’s tone was calm.

"What is that?"

Shen He was silent for a few seconds: "A dog."

The doctor looked up: "Can you tell me?"

“During my senior year of high school,” Shen He looked out the window, “I went to ride my bike in the park near my house. At that time, my best friend went home to prepare for exams, and the black dog that used to follow us hadn’t appeared for a long time. I was a little bored.”

"Black dog?"

“The stray dogs in the park.” Shen He’s fingers tightened slightly. “I was resting by the lake when I saw something black in the water, floating like a balloon.”

The doctor didn't speak, waiting for him to continue.

“I didn’t notice at first, but then I saw that thing had a strange patch of fur on its chest.” Shenhe’s voice remained steady, but his pace slowed down. “I’m a pretty good swimmer, but I don’t really like swimming in outdoor water. But at that time, I… went into the water.”

"Then what?"

"I could only see clearly when I got closer." Shen He closed his eyes. "My eyes were swollen and I couldn't close them. The smell was pungent, the water was thick, and I felt like throwing up."

"You fished it out?"

"Yeah. I dragged it back to shore, intending to put it in the backpack my friend gave me." Shen He paused, "because I need to ride my bike back."

"As a result... the corpse was too rotten, and bodily fluids and blood gushed out, splashing all over me, and my backpack was unusable."

The consultation room remained quiet for a long time.

"So if you close your eyes now, you'll see that image." The doctor took off his glasses and pressed his finger to his temple. "Shenhe, why did you go into the water back then?"

Shen He looked at his hands: "I should have done that."

"should?"

"It treated me as a friend, it liked me, but it died there, and nobody cared."

“I also want to know who did it,” Shenhe said calmly, “because the characteristics of the body don’t suggest a natural death.”

"You went to look for it?"

“I asked a lot of people, but no one saw anything. They said it’s normal for stray dogs to die of illness.” Shen He’s voice was devoid of emotion. “They told me not to overthink it, that it probably just fell into the water.”

Do you accept this statement?

Shen He shook his head gently: "I won't accept it."

"You found out the truth later?"

Shen He nodded: "Some coincidences."

What kind of coincidence?

“I’ve been searching for the truth.” Shen He tapped his fingers lightly on the table, his tone still calm. “The specifics… I don’t really want to say.”

The doctor glanced at him, didn't ask any further questions, and simply jotted something down in his notebook: "Are you sure this dog didn't die of illness?"

"I'm sure. He was beaten to death, and I can't accept that person would do such a thing."

The consultation room was silent for a few seconds.

"So your beliefs crumbled. From then on, you began to hate humans." The doctor said this as a statement, not a question.

“Yes.” Shen He did not deny it. “I know it sounds a bit extreme. But I just… can’t understand it.”

What happens next?

“Later I left my original place.” Shen He looked out the window. “I felt that if I stayed there, I would become worse.”

"You've been suppressing this feeling all along."

"Um."

"But what happened recently that caused this emotion to completely erupt?"

“I had a conversation a while ago. I thought about it a lot, and I thought I had figured it out.”

"But you can't suppress your thoughts at all," the doctor said bluntly.

Shen He closed his eyes. "That night after I came back, I was with my friend and dreamed about the scene of us playing with that dog before, but afterwards I started to have insomnia. When I closed my eyes, I saw that dog, and I saw it in the water. My eyes were not closed."

"So you haven't truly forgiven."

"I don't know." Shen He opened his eyes, a rare look of confusion in them. "I thought that by saying those things and making those gestures, I could convince myself. But it seems... it doesn't work."

The doctor looked at the young man in front of him. He sat relaxed, his expression calm, and he seemed unaffected.

“I won’t ask you if you feel the dog is blaming you,” she said, “because that’s not the point.”

Shenhe looked up at her.

"The key point is that you can't sleep now, and you see that image every time you close your eyes." The doctor leaned back in his chair. "This is affecting your daily life, your work, and your well-being. You're here because you need to solve this problem."

Shen He replied calmly, "Yes."

"You've been thinking a lot lately, and you thought you'd made up with it," the doctor pointed out. "But your body tells you the truth. Insomnia and nightmares are telling you that those emotions haven't disappeared; they've just been suppressed on the surface."

"So what should I do?" Chenhe's voice was very soft.

“First, stop deceiving yourself.” The doctor looked at him. “You don’t need to forgive anyone, you don’t need to reconcile, and you don’t need to ‘let go.’ You just need to admit that you’re still angry, and you’re still in pain, and that’s normal.”

Shen He remained silent.

“You hate humans, that’s your choice,” the doctor continued. “I won’t try to change your mind. My job is to help you deal with the physiological reactions to these emotions: insomnia, anxiety, flashbacks.”

"Is it possible?"

"Yes. We will use some techniques, such as EMDR, to help your brain alleviate that memory and prevent it from bothering you in this way."

“Shenhe, you’re a professional athlete.” The doctor’s tone became more direct. “Your job requires a stable mental state, sleep, and focus. These symptoms are affecting your judgment and reaction speed. You’re here not to convince yourself to give up, but to allow yourself to continue doing what you want to do.”

Shen He remained silent for a moment, then nodded.

"Next, we will do some exercises and use some relaxation techniques to help you improve your sleep quality. This process may take several weeks to several months."

Shen He asked, "What if I always stay like this?"

"Then just keep doing it this way. You don't need to be normal in other people's eyes. You just need to find a way that makes you comfortable."

"In addition, I noticed something."

Shenhe looked at her.

“You mentioned ‘your good friend’ several times just now.”

"You mentioned that you didn't have nightmares when you were with this friend."

Shen He paused for a moment, then nodded.

"So, in a way, you've distinguished this person from the humans you hate."

“It used to be.” Shen He’s tone became even colder.

"before?"

“I know him because he’s a lot like an animal.” Shen He looked out the window. “Not in a derogatory sense.”

“But,” Shenhe’s voice softened, “he’s become more human.”

"So you started to hate him."

“It’s not that I hate him,” Shen He admitted calmly, “but I don’t know which category to put him in, human or animal?”

Why did he become more human?

"Because he likes me, he's done those stupid things that only humans would do a long time ago."

Do these human behaviors make you uncomfortable?

Shen He looked out the window. "Animals don't need to do that. When they like you, they just come near you, it's that simple."

"So his liking is what confuses you."

“Yes.” Shenhe’s voice was very soft.

"This is a paradoxical situation. Your best friend is turning into something you hate. But at the same time, you still remember the time you spent together."

"Um."

"You need to deal with the psychological burden caused by this contradiction."

She paused for a moment: "There are two directions. First, you can choose to completely sever this connection. Second, you can try to accept this ambiguity; he is neither entirely an 'animal' nor entirely a 'human,' but simply a contradictory individual."

Shen He smiled and said, "I actually tried the first method."

The doctor closed the notebook. "Then consider the second option."

"However, for now we'll focus on treating your insomnia and flashback symptoms. As for your friend, it's best to leave things as they are for now and not force yourself to make any decisions."

"Maintain the status quo?"

"Just don't meet him, don't contact him, and don't think about what he is." The doctor looked at him. "Put this problem aside and deal with it when you are able to."

Shen He remained silent for a moment, then nodded.