Extra: Lin Yan's perspective

His memory went back to high school. That girl, surrounded by so many boys, as bright as the sun, walked straight up to him in the noisy corridor after school, her face tilted upwards, her eyes brightening dramatically: "Lin Yan, I like you! Let's be together!"

At that moment, he clearly heard the sound of his heart skipping a beat.

It’s not because of how beautiful the girl is (although she is indeed very beautiful), but because of her courage.

At an age when everyone was cautious and tentative about relationships, she was like a stone thrown into a calm lake, and the ripples she created went straight into his heart.

He nodded in agreement, almost with an expression of flattery.

Talented man and beautiful woman, a perfect match - this was the evaluation from people around them. He also thought it would be a beautiful first love.

However, less than a month later, the girl asked him with confusion and a hint of subtle disappointment: "Lin Yan, why don't you take the initiative to hold my hand? Why don't you take the initiative to hug me? Why is it that when we are together, it feels like... we are not together at all?"

Lin Yan was stunned.

Take the initiative? In his opinion, even if both parties are sure of their feelings, they still need time to slowly get closer, understand the ravines of each other's soul, and let the feelings settle in the long run.

He enjoyed the tacit understanding and the thrill of gradually getting closer.

He thought she felt the same way.

"I think...relationships need to take their time," he tried to explain.

The girl scoffed, her eyes filled with disdain for his "old-fashioned" view of love. "Take your time? If you like someone, then you like them! Why be so cautious? I like to be open and honest with you. I can hold hands if I want, hug if I want, and even... flirt if I want!"

Her eyes swept across a sports student at the end of the corridor who was whistling at her with a glaring smile. "Look at him, how direct he is!"

That smile pierced Lin Yan's eyes like a needle.

A few days later, he saw the girl and the athlete who was pursuing her the most kissing in the shade of a tree, passionately and as if no one was around.

He stood at a corner not far away, feeling not so much the pain of a broken heart, but more of confusion.

The brave confession was true, as was the quick withdrawal. In her view, his slowness to warm up and his cherishing of her heart simply meant a lack of love, a lack of passion. So, what was right?

After entering university, he calmed down and focused on his studies. During his freshman year, a graduating senior asked for his WeChat ID.

The senior student had a gentle temperament and was well-spoken. We talked about philosophy, literature, and plans for the future.

Her intellect, rationality and alienation from the hustle and bustle attracted Lin Yan like a magnet.

They chatted for a month, and the sparks of their ideas made him feel a long-lost joy and harmony.

"Lin Yan," the senior student said calmly and seriously, pushing up her glasses after an in-depth philosophical discussion, "We're quite compatible. Do you want to try dating?"

Lin Yan looked at the other person's calm and rational eyes and thought: She probably doesn't need a passionate and sticky love.

Rational people may be able to better understand his approach of taking things slow and steady and leaving space for each other.

He nodded in agreement.

At first, they were indeed compatible. The quiet afternoons in the library and the hushed discussions in the cafe all made him feel comfortable.

However, everything changed when my senior graduated and entered the workplace.

Her time was filled with work, and responses to messages became slow, from several hours to half a day, or even a day.

Lin Yan held his mobile phone, watching the messages he sent to share trivial daily life or express his thoughts fall into the sea. A huge panic and internal consumption called "being ignored" began to envelop him.

He couldn't help but overthink: What was she doing? Who was she with? Why hadn't she replied in so long? Did she find him boring? The "rationality" and "sense of space" that had once been admired by his senior sister now became fuel for his torment.

Unease grew like a vine, tightening his heart. He became anxious, sensitive, and suspicious.

When I accidentally found out that a male colleague in the same group often ordered milk tea for the senior student who was working overtime, the taut string was completely broken.

He found the address of his senior's company and rushed over.

In the lobby of the office building, he saw the male colleague smiling as he handed a cup of milk tea to the senior student, who had a look of tiredness after work and a polite smile on her face.

The image stung him. Reason, space, all went out the window.

He strode forward, and in the astonished eyes of his senior and male colleagues, he snatched the cup of milk tea and slammed it to the ground! The warm liquid and pearls splashed all over the floor, soaking his trouser legs.

"Lin Yan! Are you crazy?!" The senior student's voice was filled with incredible anger and shame.

Later, the senior student sent a long message.

The words were calm and clear, just like her. But every word was like an icy blade:

"Lin Yan, I didn't expect you to be like this. You're too clingy and controlling, and it makes me feel suffocated."

"I need space. I need to focus on my work, not on comforting you all the time."

"Let's break up. I can't bear your love."

The email was like a bucket of ice water, chilling him to the bone.

He looked at the cold words on the screen and for the first time clearly realized the terrible side of his character - the possessiveness and desire for control that was born out of anxiety and was enough to destroy everything.

The self-denial brought about by the second relationship was enormous.

He fell into deeper confusion and loneliness, and even began to doubt whether he really knew how to love and whether he was worthy of being loved. At this moment, Zhou Xiaowei appeared.

Zhou Xiaowei was the beauty from the department next door, lively and cheerful, very good at acting like a spoiled child. Like a clingy kitten, she took the initiative to get close to him and filled the emptiness he felt during that dark period.

She needs his constant attention, wants to reply to messages immediately, answer calls at any time, and likes to walk around the campus with her arm around his.

This strong feeling of being needed temporarily numbed the emptiness in his heart.

He had also enjoyed this kind of intimacy during the period of passionate love.

But soon, he found something wrong.

Zhou Xiaowei's "clinginess" is more like a means of seeking attention. Her temper is becoming more and more willful. A small thing can make her lose her temper, and he needs to spend a lot of energy to coax her.

More importantly, her interests always seemed to be those glamorous, exciting and lively places - bars, nightclubs, various parties. She liked pretty faces and liked to show off her boyfriend's abs (Lin Yan did have some), which was largely why she approached him in the first place.

"Brother Yan, look at that resident singer, he's so handsome!"

"Wow! The guy at the next table has really well-developed abs! They're even more obvious than yours!"

"There's a theme party at XX Bar tonight, lots of handsome guys and beautiful girls, come with me!"

Her eyes always unconsciously lingered on other opposite sexes, with undisguised admiration and curiosity.

Lin Yan was initially patient and tried to take her to quiet places, but they often ended in acrimony. Zhou Xiaowei complained that he was "boring," "rigid," and "out of touch with the times."

Gradually, her replies became perfunctory and she even started to lie.

Until that weekend, he saw her standing on tiptoe and kissing a boy with dyed silver hair and trendy clothes at the entrance of the cinema in the mall where she claimed to be "shopping with her bestie".

At that moment, Lin Yan was unusually calm.

There was no anger, no questioning, and he didn't even step forward. He just turned and left silently, his heart dead.

He stopped making a fuss. Even questioning him seemed unnecessary.

Three romances, three failures.

Every time, he has devoted himself sincerely and tried to love the other person in the way he thinks is "good". What is the result?

The high school girl felt that he was not passionate and proactive enough, so she turned around and embraced Zhang Yang's love.

The senior student thought he was too clingy and controlling, so she rationally cut him off.

Zhou Xiaowei was greedy for novelty and excitement and easily betrayed him.

He began to feel that there might really be some fatal flaw in himself.

His "slowness to warm up" is wrong, "care" is a burden, and "possessiveness" is poison.

He is not humorous enough, not romantic or exciting enough, and his only "advantage" - taking care of every detail like an old nanny - does not seem to be what others really need.

What they need is stronger emotional value, a more dazzling halo, and fresher stimulation.

The word "love" became light and heavy in his heart. It was light because it seemed that it could be easily spoken and easily taken back.

It feels heavy because every broken promise is like a huge rock pressing down on his belief in "love" until it collapses.

He no longer believed in the easily spoken "like" and "love".

He began to build a wall in his heart, wrapping himself with a mask that was as gentle as jade, gentle and polite to everyone, yet distant.

He no longer gave his heart easily and even began to fear intimacy. He felt that he would probably never be loved truly and permanently.

His thoughts were gradually freezing, and his expectation of "love" was almost extinguished into ashes.

At this moment, the message that said "I like you" was like a piece of hot charcoal, burning Lin Yan's fingertips so much that they went numb, but his heart was cold and dead.

Between boys? This absurd idea crept into his brain, which had become numb and tired due to several failed relationships, with a morbid curiosity and a self-destructive impulse of giving up.

Whatever, how much worse could it get? He went to the appointment with this almost cold bewilderment.

The result was worse than imagined.

Before he could even react, a strange, aggressive breath came down rudely, roughly blocking his lips.

Shock and nausea were like ice water poured over his head. He instinctively wanted to push away, but the corner of his eye seemed to be frozen, fixed on the figure in the shadow not far away - Chen Rui.

His almost non-existent roommate, Chen Rui, who spent all day curled up in front of the game screen, whose hair was greasy as if it hadn't been washed in months, and who looked like a hole-in-the-hole goblin, was standing there at this moment, his eyes wide open, his face showing undisguised, huge shock and... panic.

That look was like a rusty, blunt knife, harshly cutting through Lin Yan's nerves.

It wasn't the anger at being forced into a kiss, but a deeper, stickier sense of shame that instantly overwhelmed him.

He felt like a piece of filthy garbage that had been shaken out in public.

He even forgot to wipe the disgusting feeling from his lips. He just squeezed out three cold and trembling words from between his teeth towards the terrified "witness", as if that was his last fig leaf:

"Don't look... it's dirty."

He thought it was like a stone sunk into a swamp, where it would rot.

It wasn't until a few days later that he accidentally caught his goblin roommate Chen Rui sneaking out of his "cave".

A kind of paranoid curiosity that he himself could not explain seized him. He followed like a ghost and finally stopped at the door of a noisy bar.

Hiding in the dark, he saw Chen Rui.

The guy who was like a background board in the dormitory was now holding his mobile phone awkwardly and nervously, with the camera pointed at the booth - his ex-girlfriend Zhou Xiaowei was being intimate with two strange boys.

At the moment when Chen Rui pressed the shooting button, Lin Yan could almost hear the faint "click" sound.

A malicious, cold feeling of pleasure surged into his heart. He couldn't help but clearly imitate the voice behind Chen Rui:

Chen Rui's reaction was truly amazing - his whole body shook violently as if he was hit by high voltage electricity, and his phone almost flew out. When he turned around and saw him, the blood on his always sleepy face instantly drained away, leaving only the pure horror of being caught on the spot.

Lin Yan almost laughed out loud. This invisible person was actually trying to use his "dirty" secret to make a fuss, trying to act like a messenger of justice and report it to Zhou Xiaowei? And he caught him red-handed, and even got a big surprise?

It's really... ridiculously simple, yet unexpectedly... funny.

Later, he and Zhou Xiaowei broke off their relationship completely. A subtle silence filled the dormitory. He observed Chen Rui calmly.

The goblin was still immersed in his game world, with instant noodle buckets piled up like a mountain and his hair so greasy that it could be used for cooking, as if the panic in the bar that night and the "dirt" before that had nothing to do with him.

He didn't offer any words of comfort, nor did he offer any inquiry.

A strange, cold interest grew in Lin Yan's heart. His heart, which had been repeatedly beaten by several emotional injuries and had long been somewhat twisted, had never thought that he would have such a sustained attention on a man - a man so rough, so... inappropriate.

But this observation soon turned into an unbearable torture.

Looking at the pile of garbage on Chen Rui's desk and smelling the lingering smell of sweat, instant noodles and dust, Lin Yan's suppressed, almost pathological sense of order and control in his bones erupted like a dormant volcano.

He had to do something, so he started to clean up.

At first, he threw away the empty drink bottle at his feet, then he sorted out the books scattered on the floor, and then he forced open the curtains to let the sunlight in... Chen Rui was confused and muttered at first, but later he gradually got used to it and would even move his feet lazily while he was cleaning.

Lin Yan was surprised to find that her almost "nanny-like" forced intervention unexpectedly... worked on Chen Rui.

So, he intensified his attack. His instructions became clear, direct, and undeniably forceful:

"Chen Rui, go wash your hair. Now."

"Chen Rui, the bathroom is empty, go take a shower."

"Chen Rui, go wash up."

"Chen Rui, put down the instant noodles and eat this meal."

"Chen Rui, it's twelve o'clock. Turn off the computer and go to bed."

Even he himself was surprised by this almost tyrannical desire for control.

What surprised him even more was Chen Rui's reaction—this guy actually did as he was told!

Even though he grumbles and moves as slowly as a sloth, he always does what he's told. He eats the food you bring him, like an animal being fed. He goes to the bathroom after a while, even if he hesitates. He turns off the flickering screen even if he's reluctant to go to sleep.

And... Lin Yan keenly noticed that Chen Rui seemed... not to resist, and even seemed to enjoy the feeling of being arranged so clearly?

It squints its eyes contentedly when being fed, and lies down refreshed after taking a bath, like a well-cared-for domestic pet.

Unconsciously, changes happened quietly.

When Lin Yan's eyes fell carefully on Chen Rui, who he had forced to clean up, he unexpectedly discovered:

After washing away the grease and fatigue, this guy's face was surprisingly... handsome? Even a little... childish? His hair was fluffy and fresh, and he was no longer gray and gloomy. He looked much more pleasing to the eye, even... a little too pleasing.

More importantly, Chen Rui's activity radius is almost completely limited to the dormitory.

His class time was fixed and short. Whenever Lin Yan was in the dormitory, he would look up or push the door open, and nine times out of ten he would see that familiar figure huddled in a chair, facing the screen or sleeping soundly.

This certainty of "being able to see it as soon as you look up" is like a warm blanket, wrapping Lin Yan's cold and twisted heart, bringing a long-lost, almost weird sense of security.

He was clearly aware of his own psychological abnormality - like an authoritarian breeder, he was obsessed with taking care of the "pet's" living environment, arranging the "pet's" daily routine and diet, and strongly and unquestionably demanding that this "pet" must stay within his sight.

And Chen Rui, the "Goblin" who accidentally broke into his gloomy world, perfectly fits his twisted needs.

He accepted all arrangements meekly, without resistance, and even revealed a sense of contentment of being captive and comfortable.

He eats whatever he is given, does whatever he is asked to do, and enjoys it.

Looking at Chen Rui holding the bun he bought, his eyes glued to the screen, mumbling vaguely "Thank you, Brother Yan", the ice in Lin Yan's heart that had solidified due to past emotional pain seemed to be melted by the fireworks and tameness.

He leaned against the door frame, looking at the guy who he had personally transformed from a "goblin" into a "human" and was now concentrating on the game.

A warm current mixed with a sense of control, accomplishment and twisted satisfaction slowly flows through my heart.

He thought, keeping it in captivity like this... seemed really good.

Later, when he saw Chen Rui, who had been dragged out of the "Goblin Cave" by him and dressed up like a decent person, actually starting to attract the attention of girls, Lin Yan felt a surge of anger in his heart.

Just like the carefully tended and watered cabbage, before you even have a taste of it, it’s already been noticed by a passing pig!

He stood not far away with a cold face, looking at the girl with a red face, his fingers unconsciously clenching the pages of the book in his hand.

Just when he thought that the heartless guy who would accept anything offered by others would foolishly agree, Chen Rui actually shook his head and refused!

The girl left disappointed. Chen Rui scratched his head, looked relieved, turned around and went back to the dormitory building.

Lin Yan was stunned. Rejected? Why?

An absurd thought popped up uncontrollably: Could he... be worried about me?

When this idea came up, even Lin Yan himself felt confused and even a little ridiculous.

Why should he care about me? What kind of relationship do we have?

But this idea was like a seed, quietly taking root. He thought carefully about the days he spent with Chen Rui.

It was strange that he felt so comfortable being with this guy who once seemed slovenly and annoying to him.

He didn't need to bother guessing Chen Rui's emotions. This guy's mind was as simple as a blank sheet of paper. He would laugh when he was happy and curse when he lost the game (although Lin Yan really wanted to change this for him). His emotions were written on his face and he never hid them.

After one semester, the Chen Rui who used to look at him as if he were a dirty thing with a look of fear disappeared.

Instead, there was a sense of... familiarity? Even a bit of casualness.

Lin Yan discovered that Chen Rui's heart was so big that it was almost cute.

If it were someone else, being controlled by him in such an almost forced way, they would either think he was sick and avoid him, or they would have turned against him long ago.

But what about Chen Rui? He seemed completely immersed in his own gaming world, accepting Lin Yan's "dictatorship" completely, even enjoying it, as if Lin Yan was just a housekeeper in his cave life who would regularly feed him and clean up the trash?

This kind of heartless frankness actually gave Lin Yan's twisted desire for control a strange satisfaction.

That day, looking at him sitting cross-legged on a chair playing games and smiling happily, the indescribable emotion in Lin Yan's heart suddenly rushed to his lips.

"Chen Rui," he said, "I actually used to hate you."

The subtext is: But not now.

In fact, he didn't really hate her before, he just ignored her and felt a little disgusted. He always prided himself on being easy-going.

But he just had to say it, with a bit of awkward honesty, and he didn't know if this single-threaded "goblin brain" could understand the meaning behind it.

"I think you're doing fine now," he added, then looked away, pretending to read a book.

The effect is immediate.

He successfully saw that Chen Rui seemed to have pressed the pause button, the movement of biting the apple froze, his eyes were wide open, and his whole body was in a complete and adorable "downtime" state.

Just as Lin Yan was about to smile triumphantly, something even more unexpected happened.

The "Goblin" that had crashed came back to his senses and, with sparkling eyes, invited him: "Brother Yan, do you want to play games?"

God knows how excited he was at that time.

Lin Yan's heart seemed to be gently bumped by something.

For a goblin who regards games as spiritual food and the core of his education, actively inviting others to join his sacred domain is probably equivalent to inviting them to visit his ancestral treasure house in his hometown, right?

A pure joy, one he hadn't even realized, bubbled up from the depths of his heart like tiny bubbles. His face remained calm: "Yeah."

Chen Rui is such a bad mouth! If his teammates make a mistake, he will yell at them like "Oh my god!" "Are you stupid?" "Do you know how to play?" Lin Yan's brows furrowed more and more.

We can't let him be like this.

When this thought came to his mind, he was stunned for a moment.

Oh no, why was he getting more and more involved? From daily life to gaming quality? He found himself unable to control himself, a strong desire for exclusivity clamoring in his heart:

He just wanted Chen Rui to play games with him only, listen to him only, stick with him only, and show all kinds of appearances in front of him only - good, bad, clean, abusive... all belong to him, Lin Yan.

This thought startled him, and then he remembered the forced kiss in the dark corner and the sparkling eyes of the boy when he said "I like you".

Boys and boys...it's also possible...

Whenever this thought came to mind, Lin Yan would force himself to suppress it, like extinguishing a dangerous spark.

He looked at Chen Rui beside him, who was dancing with excitement because of a series of wonderful operations. That pure and straightforward happiness made him look like a complete straight man, no matter how you looked at it... right?

An indescribable sense of loss and bitterness quietly filled his heart. For the first time, he clearly realized:

I seem to...really fall in love with Chen Rui.

It's not the kind of satisfaction a breeder feels for his pet, but a more complex, passionate, and possessive kind of liking.

But he didn't show it, his eyes just darkened and he turned his attention back to the screen.

Just when Lin Yan thought he was about to begin a long and frustrating career of secret love, things took an unexpected turn - someone confessed to him.

The other party was a very outstanding boy. She stopped him at the school gate and expressed her feelings in a very calm and generous manner.

Lin Yan’s first reaction was not surprise, nor consideration, but - what would Chen Rui think?

He deliberately did not return to the dormitory immediately and lingered outside for a long time. The screen of his mobile phone turned on and off, but there was no message from that "Goblin".

Lin Yan stared at the empty message board, and a nameless anger mixed with a huge sense of loss suddenly ignited!

This guy! No reaction at all? Didn't he hear about it? Or... just didn't care?

I'm so angry!

When he returned to the dormitory that night, Chen Rui was already lying in bed, eyes closed, breathing steadily. Lin Yan walked to his bedside and stared down at the face that looked particularly harmless in the dim light.

Pretending to sleep? What a terrible acting! Even your eyelashes are trembling!

A mixture of jealousy, grievance and anger of being ignored rushed to his head. Lin Yan never thought that he would be so impulsive.

He pulled the person out of bed and went to the bathroom!

Chen Rui was caught off guard, his eyes wide open, with the confusion of just being awakened and the panic of being caught.

Lin Yan looked at him still pretending to be stupid, and the string of rationality snapped. He didn't want to test it anymore, didn't want to guess anymore, didn't want to worry about gains and losses anymore!

He suddenly leaned over and kissed her fiercely, blocking her mouth that might have said anything he didn't want to hear.

This kiss was filled with punishment and unquestionable possessiveness. He kissed her deeply and forcefully, conquering her without giving her any chance to breathe or think.

Chen Rui was completely frozen, his mind going blank from the initial shock. His body went limp and he could barely stand. He was supported entirely by Lin Yan's arms that were tightly around him.

Lin Yan kissed for a long time until he felt the person in his arms was almost out of breath, then he let go reluctantly.

He looked at Chen Rui, whose eyes were dull, cheeks were flushed, lips were slightly swollen, and he looked like he had completely "crashed and upgraded". The pent-up anger and bitterness in his heart miraculously dissipated, and was replaced by a huge, satisfied feeling of pleasure.

He was so satisfied.

Seeing Chen Rui still standing there stupidly, looking as if he was out of his mind, Lin Yan was in a good mood, even with a bit of evil joy. He pushed him gently and his voice returned to his usual calmness, but with a little unnoticeable hoarseness at the end: "Alright, go to bed."

In the next few days, Lin Yan was like a sated beast, savoring the taste of the kiss and observing Chen Rui's reaction with interest.

The guy was obviously distracted, his eyes were dodging, and his body would unconsciously tense up when he approached, but... Lin Yan keenly noticed that Chen Rui didn't seem to be repulsed?

There is no disgust, no avoidance, only a kind of confused and helpless panic.

Very good, very good. Lin Yan's mood index continued to soar.

Finally, on this day, he felt the time was right. He spoke to Chen Rui, who was lost in thought, in a tone as natural as if discussing the weather:

"You don't have classes tomorrow afternoon, do you want to go out on a date?"

He watched with satisfaction as Chen Rui was instantly petrified, his eyes widened bigger than copper bells, his mouth slightly open, with a look of surprise that asked, "Who am I? Where am I? What did I hear?"

The evil factor in Lin Yan's heart began to stir again.

Lin Yan doesn't care about all the twists and turns.

He leaned over, approaching the face filled with shock, his lips curled up in a determined arc, his voice was not loud, but it carried an unquestionable declaration:

"I like you."