Chapter 133 His nightmare is his favorite

Xie Yanwen also thought that his life might be spent in such a boring way.

But she came to his side.

Arrogant, unreasonable, not giving him any room to think, and invading all his emotions.

Even if he forced himself to control himself and stay away.

He left Haidu for a month. When he couldn't sleep all night, he looked at her photos and videos and wondered why?

Why couldn't we meet earlier?

She is a flower about to bloom, while he is halfway through his life and is already heading towards the end.

If only he could have met her at the age of eighteen or nineteen...

But there are no ifs in life.

No matter how he tried to hide, he could not escape his own heart.

He admitted that he did develop inappropriate feelings for a girl who was 20 years younger than him.

So when he found out that she had gone out to get a room with another boy, he still came back.

Although he knew very well that Xu Nianyi was not such a girl.

She was just using this method to force him.

During that time, he began to see his psychologist again more frequently. She was an elderly woman in her 70s, kind and friendly, and he could always open his heart to her.

He told her, "She is only 19 years old, so beautiful, and I... I can't do it, and I can't bear it."

He is even a mentally ill patient.

For so many years, he never dared to admit his illness to anyone. Indifference or indifference were all masks he used to pretend to be normal.

I am not worthy of her at all.

"No, child, how can you say that about yourself? You are just hurt inside, it's not a big deal."

She encouraged him not to be afraid.

She said there is nothing wrong with love.

There is no age limit either.

"She is so beautiful, but she fell in love with you. It must be because you are worthy, because there is something in you that is worthy of her love."

The old woman still remembered that when Xie Yanwen's condition improved two years ago, he would occasionally visit her and talk to her about that girl.

Whenever he talked about that girl, he himself didn't realize that the light in his eyes was like the brightest starlight.

At that time, she thought that he could finally let go of the past and start a new life.

This is a good thing for him.

So, she gently comforted him and encouraged him: "She must be an angelic girl, like a little sun."

Xie Yanwen's eyes immediately flashed with Xu Nianyi's smiling face. He couldn't help but curl his lips and whispered softly, "She is indeed my angel and my sun..."

He finally compromised.

People are always selfish at times.

Even if you know you shouldn't do this, you will still be greedy for that moment.

It may even give rise to some pathetic hopes.

Maybe?

After all, who can be sure how long a person's life will be? Maybe he can accompany her until old age, until she is old and gray, and protect her throughout her life.

So he still accepted her feelings in a despicable way and admitted that he had fallen in love with the girl who was so much younger than him.

They got married when she was 20.

They had the happiest time, and their feelings did not weaken over time, but became deeper and deeper.

He loved her more and more, and wanted to give her everything he could have, but what he wanted to give her most, lifelong companionship, seemed to be getting harder and harder.

When she came to him, he was 35 years old, which was actually the best age for someone like him, and he never felt that he was getting old.

When he married her, he was 40 years old, which seemed to be the right age to work hard, and it was too early to say that he was old.

But she is indeed too young.

From being a flower about to bloom when she came to his side, to being the most beautiful girl in her 20s after they got married.

That was her best time, so dazzling and beautiful that people couldn't take their eyes off her.

In comparison with her, he slowly realized that he was indeed very old.

There are more and more fine lines at the corners of his eyes and more and more white hair on his head. No matter how well he takes care of himself, the feeling of aging cannot be reversed after he is over 40.

He knew that she wanted a child and even secretly went for a physical examination because she couldn't conceive.

But he didn't dare tell her that he had already gone for a check-up.

The doctor said that his body had been damaged by medications when he was young, and that, coupled with his age, his sperm deformity rate was very high, leading to infertility. Of course, this doesn't mean that he can't get pregnant, but if he does get pregnant, it's very likely to cause miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy in the woman.

So, he chose to have a vasectomy.

He didn't want to take the risk of putting her in harm's way.

Later, after Xu Nianyi heard Qiu Chang'an say that his father had drugged him, she stopped talking to him about wanting a child.

But these problems were deeply buried in Xie Yanwen's heart. His anxiety became more and more out of control, and the manic depression that had not occurred for a long time began to invade him again.

Sometimes, the more you love, the more afraid you become. The more you love, the more likely you are to go to extremes.

Seeing her blossoming like a flower, with so many young men of her age around her, he would feel jealous and angry even if she occasionally spoke to them or smiled.

But he didn't dare to express this jealousy and anger, and could only suppress it tightly, which turned into deeper pain and despair.

He thought that sooner or later he would leave her, and she would go to another man, and act coquettishly and smile at others just like she acted coquettishly to him.

Be someone else's angel, someone else's sun.

His temper became more and more irritable and indifferent, but Xu Nianyi was used to his heartless nature, so she just thought he had problems at work.

Until one night, Xie Yanwen had a dream. He dreamed that his little girl was held in the arms of another man.

The man's face was blurry, but he knew he was a very young man, without wrinkles, gray hair, or any trace of age in his eyes, and his smile was as bright as hers.

They hugged each other and laughed happily.

But Xie Yanwen's heart felt like it was pierced by a sharp knife, and he was in excruciating pain.

In his dream, he didn't need to hide his temper and anger. He stepped forward and grabbed their necks hard.

She belongs to him, no one can take her away!

Someone pinched his shoulder hard, and the pain woke him up.

He opened his eyes and saw the girl he had held in his arms when he fell asleep was being strangled by him and was almost suffocated.

He let go of his hand in horror.

“Nian Nian…”

Looking at the girl who was in a semi-comatose state and collapsed in his arms, Xie Yanwen trembled all over and his breathing became more and more intense.

He didn't dare to hesitate, and held her up, "Don't be afraid, let's go to the hospital, Nian Nian, don't be afraid..."

His eyes were burning and painful, he held her tightly in his arms, staggering, and fear completely overwhelmed him.

Fortunately, her injury that time was not serious. She was just briefly unconscious due to lack of oxygen. She woke up as soon as he picked her up.

She refused to go to the hospital, fearing that it would be difficult to answer the doctor's questions, and even more afraid that people would misunderstand him as domestic violence. He had no choice but to ask his family doctor to come and treat her.

She asked him, "Did you have a nightmare?"

He closed his eyes, hiding the bitterness in his eyes, hugged her tightly, and said in a hoarse and broken voice: "Yes, I had a nightmare."

She was confused: "What did you dream about?"

He didn't dare to speak and remained silent.

She stopped asking questions and patted his back to comfort him: "Don't be afraid, I'm here, don't be afraid."

He lowered his head and said in a hoarse voice, "Baby, I'm sorry."

He said, "I didn't mean to..."

Like a trapped beast, helpless and dejected, he was trapped in a cage.

She also hugged him tightly and comforted him gently: "I know, you just had a nightmare, it's okay."

Xie Yanwen looked at the finger marks on her neck and stroked them gently, but he didn't dare to touch them, for fear of hurting her again. "Does it hurt?"

"It doesn't hurt anymore."

She raised her head and kissed him, from his eyebrows to his tightly pursed lips. "It really doesn't hurt, don't worry."

Xie Yanwen closed his eyes again.

But he was in pain.

It hurts so much that I can hardly breathe.

This time, he couldn't control his emotions in his dream and hurt her. What about next time, and the next time?

He would hurt her again and again.

What would happen to her if he didn't wake up in time?

Will she die in his arms?

Xie Yanwen didn't dare to think about that possibility. That possibility made him more afraid and desperate than the possibility that she would be with someone else.

He thought he could be like a normal person, and after she came to him, he thought he was cured.

That’s right.

He is indeed not a normal person.

The slightest stimulation can make him sick and unable to control himself. This disease can never be cured.

And he didn't even dare tell her.

Xie Yanwen knew that after that day, Xu Nianyi pestered Qiu Chang'an again and asked him many questions about him and his family.

She thought he was dreaming about his family's past and the people who had hurt him.

But she would never know that his nightmare was his favorite.