Chapter 5

I can dream about him without any distractions now.

I was momentarily lost in thought.

I quickly realized what was happening, and out of perfect professionalism, I lowered my head and gently kissed the engagement ring that still carried his scent.

A wise choice.

This avoided the awkward situation of everyone urging "Kiss! Kiss!" after exchanging rings. I kissed the ring for a long time. My lips, which had been touched up with lipstick, were dry and rough. I felt like I was buried between his fingers, like a snail retreating into its shell.

I looked up as the applause faded.

Looking into Li Yuzhong's eyes, his gaze was calm, much like it had been many years ago. The only change was that the timidity he once possessed seemed to have vanished. Actually, that was what I loved most about him; it was one of the few traces that proved he was someone I still cherished.

He reached out his hand to me first. Actually, we had rehearsed before, in a spacious reception room. I played the roles of director, action choreographer, and leading lady. He followed my instructions and needed to open his arms. I pressed my hand against his chest, quickly moved away, and said, "That's it."

I didn't listen to his heartbeat very carefully because I had too many things to consider; I couldn't let him discover my thoughts. Besides, he was actually dressed very handsomely today; the peaked lapel suit accentuated his cool and collected demeanor, weathered and refined by time.

I am not surprised.

He will become a tough person sooner or later.

Even though he had once been as soft as cotton. I calmly turned my head and smiled at each guest. We raised our glasses and went our separate ways, only managing to catch our breath from the tight facade after the event ended. Li Yuzhong gently patted my shoulder, draped my coat from the dressing room over my shoulders, and asked if I wanted to go home. I said I would take a taxi, and he told me to have the driver take me first.

While waiting for the driver to move the car, I lit a cigarette and caught a glimpse of him lighting one too. I was even more eager to ask him about it than when I first saw him smoking. He noticed my curiosity, twirled the cigarette between his fingers, and said to me, "My illness has been cured for a long time, and it has nothing to do with my health anyway."

……Um.

I know that too.

I took a sip and asked casually, "When did it get better?"

"After I started working. A more structured lifestyle suits me better than what I had in school, dealing with people. I didn't know how to do that back then."

I said happily, "You really didn't understand back then!"

Thinking back to Li Yuzhong back then, most of what happened between us was beautiful. So, I guess his feelings for me were somewhat deep, though not romantic. That's actually good; I feel more at ease than ever before.

What was I thinking back then?

Why do I like him?

I don't understand either.

I stared thoughtfully at my finger, at an emerald ring. I had no idea how much it was worth. I'd once been fortunate enough to attend an event with many well-known guests, and a female celebrity had worn a similar sponsored item; it was of very high quality.

Regarding the ring, I thought it was just a simple plain ring, not something so precious. Then again, these past few days I've only been following my own ideas, writing the script, and performing my role diligently; I forgot something very important: marriage means property division.

"By the way, you should take some time to draft a prenuptial agreement," I said. "Since it's just a role, it's best to divide the property first."

He flicked the ash from his cigarette and said, "Okay."

"Before the wedding, we need to hurry up and get the marriage certificate..." I looked down at the calendar. He said he would book the date. Okay, I put my phone away, bit the cigarette holder, put my left hand, which was a little numb from the cold, into my pocket, and slowly rotated my right wrist to prevent it from getting cold.

He reached another hand into his pocket.

My trench coat had spacious pockets, but it felt a bit cramped to fit a man's hand in them. I looked at him with slight surprise. Li Yuzhong's expression brightened; two snowflakes landed on his eyelashes. It's snowing now? So early.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Li's mother and father walking over.

Because of this? Well, he really did a great job improvising. I greedily gripped his warm hand, my fingertips pressing against his palm. Actually, his hand wasn't particularly warm, but out of my secret desire, what stirred me was my extraordinary sincerity beneath his act.

"Shall we go back together?" Mother Li asked.

Li Yuzhong: "I'll take Juntong back first."

Li's father pulled her away at the right moment: "Young people don't get tired so easily. It's only a few o'clock. They have plenty of nightlife. Don't worry about it."

No, I'm already very tired.

I hadn't worn high heels in so long that my calves were starting to feel uncomfortable, and the weather was so cold I felt like I might get a cramp at any moment. Luckily, the driver brought the car over. Li Yuzhong and I got into the back seat, and without thinking about anything else, I eagerly took off my high heels and put my feet on the leather seat, using the heater as a warm touch.

"I feel much better," I said.

He asked the driver to turn the heater up a few degrees.

With outsiders around, it's not appropriate to discuss things related to the role-playing. I was actually planning to review my performance today; I think I did a good job. We chatted for a while about the guests—who will actually be at the wedding? I need to get to know them—but never mind, I need a break.

I wrapped myself in a blanket and slept at the doorstep.

When I woke up, I was leaning on the shoulder of the person next to me. I didn't open my eyes immediately, I just stayed still and greedily inhaled his breath, a clean and familiar scent of mint and jasmine. Apart from the smell of tobacco, the only other thing on him was the smell of his usual shampoo.

Like a brown bear stealing honey, I reveled in this unexpected delight. My pride wouldn't allow me to appear like I'd gotten away with it, so I pricked up my eyelids and glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. He was calmly closing his eyes, breathing evenly. Li Yuzhong. I thought to myself, I've got you.

Many years have passed.

And then there's the image of him sleeping in front of me.

Over the years, I haven't deliberately paid attention to him, nor have I spent much time thinking about him, but news about him always manages to reach my ears. I certainly didn't intentionally inquire about him. Besides, I'm not that sentimental; I also had a boyfriend, and we broke up recently.

Am I a womanizer?

I have never truly let go of Li Yuzhong.

I only just realized that myself. It's true. Some people, if you don't deliberately try to hold onto them, often fade into the dust of memory, but that doesn't mean they've disappeared. Beneath the surface of the subconscious lies a vast glacier; the heart is a mirror-like lake, reflecting the love that once existed.

My heart fluttered because of this old friend.

And I also need to play the role of his wife.

For some inexplicable reason, I thought of:

What if I steal another kiss from him?

I haven't done this in a long time, many years. If I did it, it would be like reliving my past self. Back then, Li Juntong was frail, stubborn, clinging to a useless pride that didn't make her feel more fulfilled, but it was the only thing she possessed, something she could firmly grasp. What am I doing now, fulfilling the dreams of my former self? Do I really love her that much?

Yes.

I didn't need to muster my courage. Eighteen-year-old Li Yuzhong belonged to eighteen-year-old Li Juntong, but now, twenty-seven-year-old Li Yuzhong belongs to twenty-seven-year-old me. I treat him as my own possession. I greedily approached him. My heart leaped out of its confinement like a white dove through a locked window.

Sudden--

"Bang bang bang!!"

I was startled, and Li Yuzhong woke up too. He opened his eyes, and I was still a fraction of a millimeter away from him, almost ready to kiss him! Oh my god! Why? Who did this? If I had kissed him when he opened his eyes, I could have just gone with the flow. I could have said I was drunk, and then pretended to be dead or have amnesia the next day. There's always a way. But why did he find out before I even kissed him? Now I neither get to enjoy it, nor do I have to endure his embarrassment, awkwardness, and a whole host of other difficult emotions.

So annoying!!

Bang, bang, bang. The banging on the car window continued. Who was it? A drunkard passing by? I was enough of a drunkard here. I was furious. Li Yuzhong beat me to it, reaching out to roll down the window. I saw the despicable person's face clearly. I froze.

It is Chi Jiansheng.

I asked, "Why are you here?"

He said, "You come down first."

So I put my shoes back on, opened the car door, and got out. The driver was nowhere to be seen; it was probably well past midnight. Frustrated, I scratched my head and asked Chi Jiansheng what he wanted at my door so late. He didn't answer, but instead grabbed my hand.

His eyes were piercing, and his jaw was clenched tightly.

I followed his angry gaze and looked at my left ring finger. Then I looked up at him again: "Just say what you have to say."

He gripped my wrist tightly, so tightly, "You got engaged without telling me? I only found out through your high school classmate."

"Do I need to tell you?" I frowned.

He was furious, his beautiful peach blossom eyes welling up with tears. "You're doing a seamless transition, aren't you? How long has it been since you broke up with me?"

"More than two months," I replied.

He said, "Fifty-nine days!!"

"Ah, okay, that's right." I went along with him, fifty-nine days. He fell silent because of my indifferent attitude. After a while, he turned his head and stared intently at the half-open car window. "Who are you with in the car so late? Your current partner? Ah, your fiancé, right? Get out."

"Are you out of your mind?" I said coldly, blocking the car window. "If you have a problem with me, stick to the facts. What does it have to do with him?"

He said, "I'm crazy, yeah, I'm squatting downstairs at your house in the middle of the night, in the snow, waiting for you, while you and him are cuddling in the car."

We haven't gotten tired of each other yet.

This makes me angry.

"What are you so eager for? You have your own circle of friends, go and hang out with them. I'm really busy lately, I don't have time..."

"Li Juntong!" Chi Jiansheng's eyes reddened. "How could you do this? We've been together for almost seven years, and you just cut ties like that? Who do you think you are?"

"You agreed. And isn't that all in the past?" I was really annoyed. "I'm a little... If you're free, let's talk about it again later."

He was trembling all over: "What are you saying? I was just saying that in anger. You've always known that, haven't you? You have pressure, but I don't? I'm not much better off than you! But I'm trying my best to solve it. You're just brooding over your own problems all day long. Is that interesting?"

I calmly replied, "I didn't ask you to solve it."

"Can you handle this yourself?" He was a little incoherent. "Can't you even take care of me? Huh? You just leave me out of the picture, and it's always like this every time something happens! I don't understand you. What are you trying to do by suddenly getting engaged? Don't you feel even a little bit reluctant to part with me?"

"...I thought it was over between us."

“But no!!” he roared, “No!”

I didn't come here to argue with him. Behind me, a silent, concerned gaze remained fixed on me. I didn't want Li Yuzhong to see me make a fool of myself. All these years, I've maintained that pride in front of him. I'm like a soldier who, even with a broken spine, holds his head high.

“You’re mistaken.” I nudged him. “We’re over. Be a decent adult, don’t let strangers laugh at you.”

I thought my calmness and rationality would extinguish his resentment, but I was wrong. A heartless woman only makes a man hysterical. He grabbed my shoulders, "I don't care about appearances! Li Juntong, you're never going to stop! You've gone too far! Haven't I ever been good to you?"

"Ah." I froze, then slowly raised a mocking smile. "So, you said it would be better to break up? I thought things weren't going well."

"I was just saying that out of anger!!"

“But I didn’t say it out of anger.” My teeth were chattering from the cold, but I tried to make myself clear. “I find it all so meaningless. Every time, it’s the same cycle: you get angry, then you apologize. I’m so fed up. I’m not happy being with you.”

"That's because you never say anything!"

"Do you understand me?" I widened my smile. "Every time, you just say a few sweet words and we end up in bed. Do you know what I'm thinking?"

"If you just tell me, I'll understand, won't I?"

Didn't I say so?

I countered with a question.

"When did you say that?!"

mine,

I'm so proud.

Useless self-esteem.

Some things are unspeakable. Just as people won't speak out about what's hidden deepest in their hearts, not even in a diary. The most profound things cannot be written down; they cannot be described with any language. To speak them aloud would rot the tongue and rust the mouth, like swallowing razor blades. To speak them is to swallow them raw. My pride, my love, I am being slowly tortured, bleeding profusely.

I would rather die than reveal my secret.

Just like my crush on Lai Ngoc Chung many years ago.

I can never say it.

I said, "My fiancé is still in the car."

I told him to leave, really, don't be shameless.

But Chi Jiansheng and I were so alike—his pride, his striking good looks, his mediocre yet ambitious aspirations. So much so that the moment I saw him, the first instant we met, I knew he was just like me. Two foxes can smell each other's scent glands, and of course, there were times when I loved him deeply, snuggling together, filled with sweet affection. I used to think it was wonderful to be in love with someone similar to me.

Looking back now, it's disgusting.

I completely understand Chi Jiansheng. He's just like me, obsessed with his reputation, too obsessed with it, and can't stand losing face even a little bit. So he became fierce, pulling me into his arms as if in revenge. He lowered his head. A chill ran through my heart, along with a strange feeling.

A sense of playfulness.

The next second.

I was pulled apart by a great force.

Li Yuzhong brushed past me and punched Chi Jiansheng in the face. I froze on the spot, feeling like I was dreaming.

Li Yuzhong.

This person.

He doesn't raise his voice, doesn't show excessive emotions, and isn't aggressive. He resolves everything, or even those things he can't resolve, with a gentle attitude. I've seen his tears, but I've never seen his fists, yet they're no less powerful than a docile lamb suddenly opening its mouth and biting someone until they bleed.

My heart stopped.

My ears were ringing. Even though it was Chi Jiansheng who was hit, it felt like I'd been punched. Chi Jiansheng was also stunned. He was knocked to the ground, but his handsome face showed far more surprise than anger. He pointed at Li Yuzhong, who had his back to me, his finger trembling.

"It's you, damn it, it was you!"

I was surprised: "What, you two know each other?"

Chi Jiansheng spat a mouthful of blood on the ground and glared at Li Yuzhong: "It's this guy. Damn it, it's so inexplicable. Once, my sister and I were walking on the road, right here at our university. I remember it was when I first got together with you. He beat me up when it was dark."

What?

I said, "Are you stupid from being beaten?"

"That bastard! I can forget anyone but him! I thought he was one of your lapdogs. After beating me up, he sent me an anonymous text saying I was having an affair. That's my sister! What the hell would I be having an affair with?! I really can't run into him. If I do, I'll cling to him like crazy!"

I looked at Li Yuzhong in surprise.

He had his back to me, and under the dim streetlights, snowflakes gently brushed against the lens. A hazy arc of light followed his silhouette, and the noise around me grew louder; I couldn't hear anyone speaking. My heart pounded wildly, and I realized that something was about to change.

Li Yuzhong turned his head.

He is still...

Li Yuzhong was still the same, his expression indifferent, his pupils the same light color as his hair, his nose and lips with their straight lines. Time hadn't changed him much. I tended to think of him as the person I remembered. Now that I realized there was a discrepancy, I felt something being torn apart between us. I didn't have time to process all that information. He pursed his lips, looking at me with a hint of inscrutable uncertainty.

My heart was pounding.

He said, "You go upstairs first, I'll handle it."

I was stunned. I'm usually the kind of person who hates being told what to do. I was completely bewildered. I walked into the hallway; the motion-activated lights came on, their pale, cold color shutting out the wind and snow outside. What have I been doing all these years? I reflected, then raised my hand and smacked my forehead.

Mechanically entering the door lock code, relying entirely on instinct. I went inside, closed the door, and, exhausted, sat down against it. I was soaking wet, snowflakes clinging to my hair. I slowly raised my hand to cover my face; it was so hot. My face was both cold and burning.

I didn't understand what this meant, what had happened. I just instinctively breathed a sigh of relief; I realized I'd been holding my breath, and my brain had probably crashed, unable to process it all. I breathed warm steam between my fingers, filling myself up. Damp, soft.

Well, I'm secretly relieved.

At least one thing I'm sure of:

Starting tonight,

I can dream about him without any distractions now.