Chapter 7

Breathe, breathe.

After that parent-teacher meeting during the torrential rain, my relationship with Li Yuzhong improved considerably. I went home in his family's car, and it was just as we were about to part that he suddenly said to me, "Li Juntong, if you ever feel uncomfortable at home, you can come to my house."

"Thank you," I said.

I know he meant no harm; he did it out of pity. But he was clearly humiliating my self-esteem. He knew perfectly well that someone as proud as me wouldn't actually go to his house, and no one would bother to entertain a stranger.

Forget it, I can't force people to do that.

I knew perfectly well that Li Yuzhong wouldn't think that much about it.

On the way back from his house, the driver told me that Li Yuzhong usually didn't have many playmates, and it was rare to see him show such concern for someone. He probably thought I was the kind of kid who could be easily coaxed into being happy. I wouldn't play with the rich kid's foolish son. Besides, concern—even a normal person would find it hard not to care if they saw their classmate being slapped by her parents in an alley. That's useless concern.

Useless concern cannot change my current situation, so what kind of concern is it? Because I often give out fake concern as well, which is of no use. It may make me feel better for a short time, but what about afterwards? Can life be sustained by concern alone?

If it's not a well-intentioned act that can cure all ills, then don't give it in the first place. Me too... I would never have accepted it in the first place.

"Li Juntong," Li Yuzhong called to me.

I casually took my test paper; 134 points. Not bad. I never slack off in my studies. Studying is the most efficient thing; as long as you memorize and recite, the problems you've done will leave an imprint in your mind. There are things in this world that can be accomplished solely through hard work.

That's far too little.

"How many points did you get on this question?" I snatched Li Yuzhong's paper and compared the answers without a word. No wonder he answered more completely than me; I always missed this point. I had no choice but to tap my forehead with my pen. Rhetorical devices—I had to write them down. Li Yuzhong looked at me intently.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Why did you hit your head with a pen?

I smiled and said, "To make myself remember it."

He tilted his head slightly, like a kitten puzzled by a human's strange behavior. His porcelain skin glistened in the sunlight. He was pampered and fair-skinned, while I avoided the sun to appear pale, using sunscreen and body lotion to feign a white complexion.

I'm so envious, I thought casually.

How innocent must a person be to act like a small animal?

With that innocent, almost childlike naiveté, I couldn't help but want to tease him. I gave a nervous laugh and said, "The problem is that you can't remember it. Why are you hitting your head with your pen?" He tapped the problem. "I should be tapping the problem. That way my head won't hurt."

It has to hurt. Otherwise, you won't remember.

I didn't say anything; I really couldn't be bothered. The pain was so intense; my face still throbs from my father's slap. He's never been hit before, has he? Humph. I can only tolerate his occasional stupidity, and I wonder, how can he maintain this naiveté?

He's like a little princess from a fairy tale.

If only I could live Li Yuzhong's life. He got good grades too, but he lacked friends. Now he has me, doesn't he? The final exams had just ended when the extra classes notice came out, like a dog smelling poop—it arrived quickly. A chorus of groans erupted in the class.

But I was actually quite happy; I loved school more than holidays. At school, I was at least a noticeable person, occasionally receiving bold and sweet advances from boys. By maintaining this image, I could endure everyone's envious glances, and then feign humility to claim my mediocrity. At home, I was a stinky cockroach; my father didn't like me, and I was the kind of person who would rather wander around outside than go home.

Fortunately, there were two or three days off between the exam and the make-up classes. This break is usually enough for most kids to catch their breath, but it kept me submerged. I had booked accommodation, and I didn't want to go home. The students behind me were inviting each other to their homes, and I was waiting.

Today is also Li Yuzhong's birthday.

Although I gave him a birthday present—a useful test paper organizer—I wondered if he would invite me to his house. I was secretly hoping, but I couldn't bring myself to ask. I felt like I was on fire; school was almost over! Li Yuzhong! You better watch yourself!

I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye, stealthily, like a little mole in its burrow. I saw his tightly gripped pen, I saw his hesitant lips, pursing them, then relaxing them. Hurry, I wanted to speak through his mouth. His eyes flickered:

"After school, do you want to come to my house...?"

I immediately exclaimed, "Okay!!"

"Let's eat birthday cake," he added.

I quickly realized I'd answered too quickly, as if I'd deliberately waited for that one sentence. How ridiculous, how embarrassing! Damn! So embarrassing! A wave of shame belatedly washed over me, and my face burned uncontrollably. Luckily, Li Yuzhong didn't notice; he was busy packing his bag.

I don't have to go home, I can play with people, and even get a free meal. Even if that person is an idiot, I'd be willing! Li Yuzhong really isn't an idiot; he's my deskmate, a kind and good person! I got on the bus with him, and on my second trip to Li Yuzhong's house, I wasn't embarrassed at all; I was quite proud.

I received a formal invitation!

His maternal grandmother was not home.

When I asked why, Li Yuzhong's expression darkened: "Today is also the anniversary of my uncle's death. My grandmother is going back to her hometown to sweep the grave with my uncle's family. She won't be back for a few days." I could only offer my condolences with empathy, but then I added, "Today is your birthday."

“It’s alright,” he said. “It’s just an ordinary day.”

He had this mindset, and even prepared a birthday cake, so he didn't see it as just another ordinary day. I suddenly felt a little embarrassed. Was I the first person to celebrate his birthday at his house? I asked that. And indeed I was. I thought to myself, I wasn't being sincere.

I just didn't want to go home.

I happen to have some free time.

Just right,

They are still good friends.

friend?

Do I truly consider Li Yuzhong a friend, or is it just him being one-sided? I still haven't figured it out. But I shamelessly ate his birthday cake, that's definitely the right thing to do, and he's also the first man I've ever celebrated my birthday with alone! He's the one who should feel honored!

"Make a wish," I said.

The lights were off, and candlelight filled the empty dining room. The maid was in the living room, not disturbing the two children. I looked at Li Yuzhong; his eyes were tightly closed, and a satisfied blush graced his face. Suddenly, I felt a surge of irritation and disgust. I felt ashamed of my own wickedness, but I couldn't help thinking, since he's so happy and has everything, let him make a wish that has something to do with me.

Share his good luck with me too.

After he made his wish, I immediately asked him what he wished for. He said he hoped we could celebrate his birthday together again next year on this day. I jokingly shouted that wishes don't come true if you say them out loud, then realized that he really did wish for something related to me, in this way.

I was stunned.

He looked at me and asked, "Would you prevent my wish from coming true?"

Would I? I asked myself. His eyes were clear and wide open, the candlelight reflected in them, bright and translucent like glass beads, almost like the eyes of a deer. Why was he showing me so much kindness, just because I was his deskmate? I still didn't know what was so good about me; those who were attracted by my lies would eventually lose their illusions about me. But I hadn't hidden any secrets from Li Yuzhong.

I might be able to tell a light, fleeting lie.

But I can't deceive my own heart.

So I had no choice but to say:

"I can't guarantee that."

His expression turned somewhat dejected. I explained that around this time next year, I would likely be preparing for the art college entrance exams and attending training courses, so I couldn't guarantee it. I added, "If I have time." His eyes suddenly lit up, and he said, "I can come to you."

All right.

I said, "Since I've already wasted one of your wishes, I'll help you fulfill one. Is there any wish that I can help you with?"

He thought for a moment, "Let's watch a horror movie."

"A horror movie?" I couldn't help but repeat myself.

Li Yuzhong immediately showed that timid expression again. The only things I knew before that required courage to do were social situations and when he asked me to approve his badminton tournament spot, his face and ears would turn red, and his tone would become hesitant.

“I’ve wanted to see it since I was a child, but because of my illness, there might be risks, so my family has always refused, fearing that something might happen.”

I asked, "Will it be like last time, with a cough?"

"If he doesn't get emotionally agitated, he probably won't." Just as I thought, although I hadn't asked about his symptoms, I guessed it was hyperventilation, which seemed more psychological than physical. I said, "If you're really scared, why go to see a doctor?"

“I just… want to.” He became very determined at this point. “I’ve made some plans, which I’m determined to achieve.”

Oh, I know, these days those "100 plans you must make before you die" lists are all the rage. But a lot of them are just meaningless trifles. Even if you do them, will you feel fulfilled? I scrutinized him: "What if you don't achieve them?"

He paused for a moment, then said, "We'll find a way to achieve it."

I felt he was being a bit stubborn: "What if you can never achieve it in your lifetime, or what if you die if you do? You clearly can't control your illness, and you can't guarantee when it will relapse, so why take on all these risks?"

He said he just wanted to.

I didn't want to take responsibility. To be honest, if something happened to him while watching a horror movie, wouldn't I be the first person at the scene of the crime? I was in a dilemma, but in the end I agreed. The reason was that I asked him, "Won't you be scared if I watch it with you?" and he replied:

"When you're with someone, you won't be so scared."

Yes.

Me too.

Sometimes, you have to face setbacks. If you're alone, I'm really afraid you won't be able to hold on. I can clearly feel the new changes that Li Yuzhong has brought to me. For the first time, I'm making friends with my truest and most genuine self.

"Then let's give it a try," I said reluctantly.

“But,” I pointed at his nose again, “if you feel any psychological or physical discomfort, stop immediately! Do you hear me?”

"Okay," he said obediently.

Li Yuzhong feels more like my younger brother or sister than other children his age—if I had that kind of thing, of course. Hmm, more like a sister, the kind of clean, subtly fragrant creature. A brother wouldn't be so obedient or understanding.

We watched a horror movie in his bedroom. Everywhere except the bed was covered in soft carpet. He said that when he's home alone, he rarely stays anywhere else but his bedroom. People like that usually lack a sense of security and decorate their rooms in a soft, cozy way. We started with the lights on, but later, finding it not exciting enough, we turned them off. I went to the bathroom in the middle of the movie.

I went to the restroom, and I was relieved because Li Yuzhong's emotions remained very stable throughout, except for the moments when ghosts would suddenly appear. He would often let out a soft, small gasp, or grab onto something nearby, sometimes my arm, which he used to shield himself.

When he got close, he smelled of mint and jasmine, the scent of his shampoo. I'd used it once, and later checked the price on the official website; although it smelled wonderful, it still deterred me. On the other hand, I felt that it was the scent that belonged to him, Li Yuzhong.

And, well, he's kind of cute, I don't know how to put it. I used to think Li Yuzhong wasn't manly enough, timid, and lacked courage, but now I find dealing with people like him incredibly interesting. Actually, I'm also afraid of ghosts, but seeing how well he reacted, I forgot about my fear and just kept teasing him—"Why are you so timid, Li Yuzhong? Okay, there's no ghost now."

"Really?" he asked, tugging at my sleeve.

“Really,” I said, “okay, it’s okay.”

Then he realized the ghost hadn't left. "You, you're not lying to me!" he said angrily, though even in anger, it wasn't very dangerous. Thinking of this, I tiptoed back to the bedroom. He was still watching intently, and I waited for the ghost to suddenly pounce on him again.

The opportunity has arrived.

“Hey.” I suddenly patted him on the shoulder.

"Ah!!" he exclaimed in surprise. He first dodged me, then, in the darkness, seeing that it was me, he grabbed my hand tightly. I was startled too, not because of the ghost, but because he was so strong that my hand stung. I called out, "Li Yuzhong!"

He gripped my hand in fear.

In the flickering, blinding white light, I saw his face grow increasingly red, his chest heaving violently, as if he was struggling to breathe. Realizing something was wrong, I quickly reached out and turned off the movie, trying to shield him from the horrifying, bloody scenes. He still gripped my hand, as if it were his only lifeline. I panicked too, about to cry. I said, "Breathe, breathe."

He nodded with difficulty, coughing as he lifted my hand and covered his mouth and nose. My heart was pounding in my chest!

I held his face with one hand and guided his own hand with the other, helping him breathe. Breathe, breathe, Li Yuzhong, pay attention to the rhythm.

breathe.

call.

suck.

I forget what else I said, but it was slow, in sync with his breathing, as I patted his back and said, "Yes, that's right, that's good, that's good." He gradually calmed down, his body relaxing, like a giant teddy bear sinking into me.

Even my fingertips are trembling.

My hand was still on his face, between his hands. A series of muffled coughs dampened it. My fingers were also wet and sticky, with his saliva and sweat. He was still using my hand to breathe, and warm mist kept wafting onto my palm.

I didn't dare to be negligent, "Are you alright?"

He squinted and nodded slowly.

It wasn't so easy. Perhaps his eyes were filled with agonizing pain, like a swamp shrouded in mist. The white light projected by the projector blurred his delicate eyelashes and his pupils, like spider silk. I had never felt that a person could be so vulnerable.

I asked again, "Are you alright now?"

He nodded again.

Its nose brushed against my hand.

How pitiful. I thought to myself. What do I pity him for? He comes from a wealthy family and has no worries about food or clothing. I pity his pitiful appearance, that school is just a stopover for him, but it's where I need to prove my worth. If my family were truly well-off, why would I lie so much?

As his breathing calmed, I slowly released his cheek. Even the thinnest skin felt plump and soft to the touch. I let his flushed face rest in my hands. I felt like I had just dominated him. If he was so fragile, why did he give himself to someone else?

Aren't you afraid of getting hurt?

He's probably been lonely for a long time, without friends, lacking experience in socializing, and the more isolated he becomes, the more isolated he becomes. Li Yuzhong, don't be afraid, you've already made the best step—choosing me. Since that's the case, I'll do my best to help you no longer be so lonely.

He was probably ashamed, of course he would bury his face in a woman's hand, their bodies embracing, their warmth intertwined. It was far too intimate. But to me, I didn't see Li Yuzhong as someone I could potentially fall in love with; he was too weak, not worthy of me.

I slowly turned his face to face, making him meet my gaze. I asked, "Do you still feel any discomfort anywhere?"

He lowered his eyes and pressed his moist lips together.

“Li Yuzhong?” I frowned.

He asked timidly:

"Won't you be disgusted by my episode?"

I will immediately.

"Won't."

I didn't expect to answer so quickly, as if it were without thinking, as if I simply had to do it. What reason do I have to spend time with Li Yuzhong? His only flaw is his fragile illness, while my only asset is my resilient body. If he had my body and soul, he would be perfect. As for me, I'm only one person away from happiness—him.

He smiled shyly, yet with a sincere and troubled expression. He must have been overjoyed to be accepted by a friend for the first time. He knew he would have other friends in the future, but the first friend always gave him a sense of "first time" in everything. He hadn't placed his trust in the wrong person. My first truly sincere friend had already left me; she had broken down my barriers, and when I revealed my ugliness, she avoided me like the plague.

She said I was a liar.

But she clearly told me to tell the truth.

I remember that time, when she pointed her finger at me and angrily berated me, calling me a despicable person, a fraud. I wasn't that bad. I just told some harmless little lies, like saying my family was rich, or that I studied effortlessly... I didn't harm anyone, and I didn't bully anyone. To this day, I still feel that I don't regret those lies. Everything I've enjoyed was worth the effort, even if it was exhausting.

I also want to live in a beautiful lie.

Li Yuzhong laughed. He looked really good, much more pleasing to the eye than when he wasn't smiling. His face was flushed again, like a red apple covered in paint in the dim light. The plump, glistening cherry in the very center of his birthday cake—yes, it's in my stomach.

It's gotten hot.

For a moment, my true self emerged, the seed of truth sprouted from the soil of lies, and my heart pounded. I wanted to tell him what I had been through, what kind of person I was. Because he was someone who knew I had lied, yet was still willing to be sincere with me.

Soon, I felt ashamed of myself for being so moved. My face flushed red with regret. How stupid of me! How could I let this happen? How easily I'm moved by the smallest kindness! My tongue, my esophagus, my heart, my internal organs—everywhere that cherry had passed—felt burning. I felt the magic of that lie sinking into my stomach, and I squeezed my legs together.

I woke up in pain.

The day after my engagement, I woke up in pain, still hungover, slowly recalling the events of the previous night. The snowy day was grey and gloomy, with thin sunlight filtering through the narrow gaps in the curtains and falling on my head. A small wisp of dust seemed to rise like a soul, but my body felt incredibly heavy. The familiar abdominal pain told me I needed to wash the sheets, but another slow, burning ache tormented me.

I raised my hand to touch my forehead.

She also has a fever.

Open your phone.

It was a missed call from Li Yuzhong.

There was also a text message from half an hour ago:

[Open the door]