Chapter 9

The two of them were like little rabbits.

As for how that kiss happened...

It's fair to say that through countless coincidences, if I had missed even a few minutes or seconds, this kiss, my heartbeat, or even my own destiny, would never have happened. But you see, when people are on the verge of despair, they often develop an almost inescapable dependence on something.

I am with Li Yuzhong,

That's exactly right.

In the second half of my junior year of high school, which was the penultimate year before I could completely escape that swampy life—to be precise, a year and a half—I counted on my fingers, counting the days, counting the expenses for the training camp, but most importantly, counting the number of days.

The rented room my mother left me.

The one-year lease is almost up, and I'm only a few days away from attending the training camp. If I stay at the training institution, they can provide room and board. After the training, I can go back to school for my academic classes and stay in the school dormitory. Anyway, since it's a senior year tutoring program, the senior year dormitories are open on weekends.

Relying on my father? He definitely won't take care of me. He can't even live a normal life himself. My mother can't renew her lease; she's already spent a lot of money on my art exams. If I ask her for more, I'll be heartless. I'm on my way to the art exam institution, the tuition fee barely warm in my hands before I have to hand it over. Money, I think to myself, it's holding me back today, but not forever. I'll be rich someday.

I would be very rich and popular, becoming one of those actors on screen who receive both praise and criticism. I was full of ambition; for me back then, success was that simple. If I could fool everyone else, I could fool my future self too.

After paying the fees, I had a few hundred yuan left in my wallet. I put on my headphones and listened to music by the roadside. Sitting on my suitcase was myself, along with my meager courage and dreams. First, I needed to get through these few days. Where to go? I thought of a fantastic place.

Today is Li Yuzhong's birthday.

Over the past year, I haven't grown distant from Li Yuzhong; it's just that the busyness of my classes made me forget about what happened on my last birthday. On this special day, I remembered his wish from his last birthday: he hoped that I would still be here on this day next year.

I am indeed here.

Moreover, they harbored other intentions.

It is known that his maternal grandmother will go back to her hometown to sweep the tombs and will not return for a few days, so Li Yuzhong will be the only person at his house during these days. It is also known that Li Yuzhong is an extremely kind person, and if I suggest staying at his house for a few days, he will definitely, absolutely not refuse.

How can I get him to ask me to stay?

I knew it was impossible to say it myself; I'd rather slap myself than admit it. I couldn't be like an abandoned pet begging to be adopted. My dignity wouldn't allow it. If I did that, I'd rather be dead. Li Yuzhong would definitely look down on me.

He'll know I hang out with him because I see he's rich and naive. He gave me a hoodie I'd wanted for a long time for my birthday, and I reluctantly accepted it, pretending to be coy. And the gift I gave him this year was just a small Walkman.

When I said "however," I meant compared to the price of the gift he gave me. If it were up to me, I definitely wouldn't have spent so much money to buy something like that. After all, several hundred yuan is a considerable sum for me these days. I only bought this "stepping stone" to show my sincerity in befriending him.

I took this key to the door when I went there.

He certainly said, "Welcome."

Given how well Li Yuzhong and I know each other now, and since his parents aren't home, I can confidently walk into his living room and ask him to get me a refreshing iced drink. "Your house is really far," I complained, "I had to take the subway, then the light rail, and then a taxi."

He said, "My driver can pick you up."

I looked slightly displeased, crossed my legs on the sofa, and muttered, "That's more like it." He sat down next to me, wearing a simple white T-shirt and shorts, his fair calves exposed, his knees slightly flushed. His legs were even prettier than mine, a girl's legs.

My friendship with him was like that with a girl, and most of my classmates thought I was a nice person who was willing to hang out with classmates who weren't popular. I did hear people gossiping about Li Yuzhong, saying he didn't deserve to be my close friend. They said he was aloof and couldn't talk much, and that while I was laughing and joking in the center of the crowd, he could only watch from the sidelines.

A secret joy welled up inside me, like a sliver of pale moonlight rising out of the darkness. No one knew that I was the one with the terrible past, the one who lied endlessly and fabricated a persona, while Li Yuzhong was the one I dreamed of impersonating. But when I spoke confidently in front of everyone, and Li Yuzhong struggled to fit in, I felt I could control everything about him.

Although I can't be as happy as him, I can influence him, which is equivalent to me sharing a part of his happiness. This is why I crave recognition from others so much. Humans are products of society; I can't get my own approval, but if others approve of me, even if it's an illusion I've created, I'll gladly accept it. But the real me, apart from Li Yuzhong, is someone no one will like.

Even if Li Yuzhong is just lacking friends in high school, he can't possibly have me as his only friend forever. One day he'll realize that I simply gave him what anyone else could give, what any friend could do, and perhaps even more sincerely and earnestly.

But before that, I was still the one by his side. We did our homework together in the living room. As the sun set, the maid prepared dinner, and we ate and then cut the cake. This year, he also made a wish by candlelight, and I deliberately asked him what he wished for.

He said, "Wishes won't come true if you say them out loud."

"Good for him, he's learned his lesson," I raised an eyebrow. Saying it aloud might not work anyway. But I didn't want to spoil his mood, otherwise he'd definitely look at me with those pitiful, mournful eyes. Then, his light eyebrows would lower his eyes, making it look like he was glaring, but it was just a harmless warning. He was the type who wouldn't say a harsh word to anyone even when angry; Li Yuzhong would just sulk to himself.

I said, "You also said your wish on your birthday last year, but I'm still here this year, doesn't that mean your wish came true?"

He said, "That's true." So I asked again, "What did you wish for? It couldn't be the same as last year, could it?" He wouldn't tell me. I just chuckled. I didn't really care to know, okay? It was just a tiny bit, a very tiny bit… What did he wish for?!

He changed the subject and asked me what gift I had prepared.

Oh, right.

There were also gifts.

I was finally able to take the still-unopened Walkman out of my school uniform pocket. Li Yuzhong took it, suddenly smiled, turned around and went back to his room. A little while later, he came out with another Walkman, showing it to me with rosy cheeks, and said, "We're on the same wavelength."

Ah, so this is the style from two years ago. He said he already had it. My face burned with embarrassment. I thought, "What? What a joke! He had the same one two years ago! Why didn't he say so earlier? I spent so much money... and I didn't even get to show off!"

I immediately reached out and snatched the gift back.

"I misremembered," I said urgently. "This isn't the gift I was going to prepare for you; it's something I bought for myself. I bought your gift, but it hasn't arrived yet." I lowered my eyes, deliberately avoiding his expression, and repeated firmly, "Yes, it hasn't arrived yet. I'll give it to you when it does!"

As soon as the words left my mouth, I regretted them—what was this? So clumsy. I had never told such a simple, easily refuted lie. I stuffed the Walkman back into my pocket. Okay, you're mine now, I comforted myself, at least I quite liked it.

Li Yuzhong opened his mouth, but didn't speak, only silently staring at me. His gaze made me feel hot all over. I glared back fiercely and asked him what he was looking at, what was so interesting. He immediately shook his head as if startled, and said that he really liked my gift.

"That's not for you!"

I corrected him abruptly.

Okay, he said, he's looking forward to my gift.

We tacitly agreed not to mention the gift again. I thought of this time last year, when we were watching a horror movie together and that unexpected incident happened. I swore I would never frighten his poor little heart again. What are his plans for tonight?

"Let me see..." Li Yuzhong indeed opened his booklet, which contained a hundred wishes that he must fulfill before he dies. But having learned from last year's experience, I couldn't let him go astray again—exploring haunted houses, rejected; playing hide-and-seek, rejected; high jumping and bungee jumping.

Rejected, rejected, rejected.

So, there really wasn't anything left to do. Li Yuzhong held the list of plans in frustration, completely at a loss. I couldn't stand his dejected expression. He hadn't accomplished what he wanted to do, so why was I the one feeling frustrated? I snatched his booklet and started flipping through it.

“This one,” I said, pointing to one of them, “this one will do.”

[Chatting with friends all night long]

I found it a little funny: "Is this something so difficult? It's just chatting." It seemed completely out of place among a bunch of extreme challenges.

Li Yuzhong smiled shyly instead: "That's something I wanted to do when I was very young, abroad, but no one was willing to talk to me. Later it got better, I felt it was something I couldn't do anyway, and besides, talking all night would really make me too sleepy."

"Let's give it a try," I said, thinking that this way I could legitimately spend the night here. I still didn't have the nerve to tell Li Yuzhong that I needed a place to stay for the next few days, even though I had hinted at it. Oh well, I'll just stay here as long as I can.

He got my permission, which emboldened him a bit. His eyes sparkled as he said, "I see that's how people my age in TV dramas do it. They go to their best friend's house, stay in their best friend's room, chat all night, and tell each other secrets they won't tell anyone else..."

"That does sound very interesting."

"Right?" He laughed too.

That's a load of rubbish.

Secret, secret, I already said it's a secret, can it still be a secret if I say it out loud? Some things can't be called secrets at all, they're just things used to exchange trust and information in a more subtle way. I'm telling you what I call secrets just to gain your sympathy.

The real secret is unspoken, hidden in the small wad of filter cotton on the tip of the tongue. It requires careful filtering to eliminate words that reveal one's true nature, to absorb impure energy, and to leave only the pure. Any words uttered without thought contain my malicious instincts.

I want to tell Li Yuzhong what's on my mind.

He might just fire me right now.

Even so, I really wanted to know his secret, without paying any price. So we went to his room, bringing lots of snacks, comics, and game controllers—things that could keep us entertained all night. Li Yuzhong didn't so much need someone to confide in, but rather someone to play games with and share chips with. We played until our eyes ached, and we felt nauseous at the sight of an electronic screen. Lying on his carpet, I closed my eyes and calmly listened to the music he played.

He played "City of Stars," the theme song from "La La Land," which was released in China this February. I can say I went to see it with him in a noisy New Year's Eve movie theater, but there were also a bunch of classmates there. Li Yuzhong has a hard time fitting into extracurricular activities for the class; everyone keeps their distance from him, unless I intentionally invite him. Li Yuzhong has also seen the original film; it was released in the US last December. He said he had his former tutor mail him the DVD and vinyl record from the US. All of this he's talking about seems so distant to me.

My world. A discounted movie ticket, the 800 yuan of lucky money he couldn't bear to spend during the Chinese New Year—these things are also far removed from his life.

The song is still being played.

City of stars

City of Stars

Are you shining just for me

Do you only want to shine for me?

City of stars

City of Stars

There's so much that I can't see

There are too many things in this world that cannot be understood.

I said, "While watching this movie, I felt I shouldn't have gone with so many friends. If I had known it was such a good movie, I would have gone alone. Actually, I really resonated with the female lead, and I also want to become a famous actress."

Li Yuzhong asked, "Do you have a preferred university?"

"Yes," I said with my eyes closed. The surroundings were hazy, with only the beautiful singing and the deep, gentle voice of the boy beside me. He asked which school I attended, and I said the most famous one in the country, and frankly, this was only my first step.

"After that, I studied hard and improved myself, starting with small stage plays to hone my acting skills. One day I will be on the big screen, on billboards, on the biggest screen in Times Square. I want to become an international star, really, I will work hard to do it."

real.

I'm serious.

I've never told anyone else this. I told Li Yuzhong because in the eyes of this marginalized person, I'm always omnipotent and never show weakness. He always relies on me. If I told him, he definitely wouldn't laugh at me like those tactless boys.

He did indeed say, "You will do it."

I paused for a moment, feeling that since he had given me so much emotional support, I should reciprocate. "And you?" I asked. "Didn't you say you wanted to share some secrets? My secret is that I want to become a successful and famous actor. Now that I've said that, what about yours?"

He said, "When I was a child."

Hmm. When you were little.

"By several older foreign children."

Then what.

"He was held down in the pool, and something almost happened."

"What?" I was stunned.

“After that, I got that disease. It’s... it’s the kind of disease that you all think is scary, the kind where you cough and then faint.”

I frowned: "Where are those foreign kids?"

“I’m not really sure. Because the racial discrimination in that district was quite serious, I moved to a new school, but…” He pursed his lips, “that symptom has been with me ever since. Whenever I get a little emotional, I feel like I can’t breathe.”

Is there no cure?

"It's related to my psychology. I've tried many psychologists abroad, but none of them have been effective. My family was also thinking that maybe the environment abroad wasn't suitable for me, so they decided to send me back to China for high school so I could take the college entrance exam there."

His voice was a little softer: "I haven't told anyone about this. I know I've had those symptoms ever since I drowned, but my family always thought I was bullied when I was in junior high school. But it was in elementary school, and we didn't dare to say anything back then."

“You should speak up,” I said. “Because some things, some grievances, you either have to retaliate on the spot, or you have to tell the people around you. If you don’t, and keep it bottled up inside, something bad will eventually happen.” I didn’t say anything. I usually only do the former, because there’s no one around me I can tell the truth to. At seventeen, I already knew that I had told too many lies that I could never tell anyone else in my life.

He said, "Will talking about it make me feel any better?"

I looked into his shimmering eyes and suddenly, I didn't want to lie anymore. "No. It wouldn't make things any better. The sad things would still be sad, the difficult things would still be blocking my way, right in front of me. Sometimes, I get angry because I can't get over them."

He paused for a few seconds, then said, "That's true."

He said he tried talking to a therapist, but talking about it didn't make him feel any better, because every time he reopened the wound, new blood would flow. He kept doing this, kept talking, but it didn't help him get through it; instead, the cycle repeated itself. Eventually, he stopped talking altogether.

“But,” I added, “if you tell someone, it’s like they’re sharing your burden. Although your pain hasn’t lessened, someone knows about it. Whether that person accepts it or not, your pain has meaning and value.”

He shook his head: "Then others will suffer."

Yes, I said, I can't make myself happier, but I can make others suffer more. As long as everyone shares my pain, then I have happiness. I said I once had a playmate who told me my deepest secret, but she told others, everyone. To retaliate for her betrayal, I also exposed her secret to the public, tearing her apart in a very ugly way.

He frowned, not understanding what I was saying. His kindness prevented him from doing such a thing. He hadn't told anyone about the kids who held him underwater, except me. I knew I couldn't do it, I said. I would retaliate if I was bullied, even if it was bad, even if it meant getting hurt. But just because those things happened to me doesn't mean I can be easily betrayed.

Always put yourself first, then others—anyone you care about, or anyone you hate. I whispered, looking at him. He lay on the other side of the bed, looking at me. Our gazes met in the quiet night.

I did, after all, show him some genuine affection.

I was so foolish, I said so much, and only when I was right in front of him did I realize that I couldn't easily resist the temptation to become intimate with someone. To connect with this pure and innocent boy before me—that was what I longed for. I gazed at his damp lower eyelashes.

The music is still playing.

That now our dreams

Those dreams I cherish

They finally true

Ultimately achieved one by one

I've forgotten what else we talked about; I was too sleepy and was just rambling. For a few minutes, I heard Li Yuzhong still talking, but I couldn't stay awake and fell asleep. When I woke up, it was the next morning, and Li Yuzhong was sleeping quietly on the carpet at my feet.

Sunlight streamed in through the floor-to-ceiling windows, caressing his hair, cheeks, and the soft curve of his nose, as if kissing them. I lost count of how long I stared at him; he was as beautiful as a porcelain doll, as pure as a blank sheet of paper. I had told countless lies, but for the first time, I had a true heart.

He woke up as soon as I called him, squinting at me. I told him I had to leave, and he said I could stay at his place for the next few days. I was stunned and asked him how he knew I had nowhere to go. He said I had mentioned it yesterday, and that the rental apartment was no longer available.

Did I say that much?

I'm starting to regret it.

I accidentally went too far, really. I didn't intend to tell him everything. The thing is, the feeling of confiding in someone is just too wonderful, and it's been so long since I've spoken my true feelings to anyone. It felt like I was drunk, like what, a one-night stand.

Wow.

That's ridiculous.

I clenched my fist and pounded my head, feeling incredibly frustrated. Li Yuzhong tugged at my sleeve and told me earnestly and shyly, "Li Juntong, I'm glad you're talking about your own experiences. That's what good friends do. I won't betray you, never."

I said, "I don't care."

In fact, what I was thinking was, if Li Yuzhong dared to tell anyone about me, I would... I would... What should I do? Forget it, how could he possibly tell anyone? Who would he tell? I'm his closest friend, he can't possibly have anyone else besides me.

I will not allow it.

-

I've been staying at Li Yuzhong's house these past few days, and his grandma is very happy about it. During the holidays, we do nothing but sleep and play, and we also have Li Yuzhong's little booklet, which is full of strange and unusual things. We just pick the ones we can do and do them. Once, I was really puzzled, so I flipped through it from beginning to end, wanting to see what other outrageous things were included, and I discovered that the last page of the booklet was blank; the first ninety-nine pages were full, but the hundredth page was empty.

"Didn't you fill it up?" I asked.

He said, "There are so many things I want to do, but when there was only one spot left, it was hard to choose, so I had to leave it vacant for now."

All right.

It wasn't until I was about to return to the training institution that I learned my luggage was ready, and the day was also the day Li Yuzhong's grandmother was coming back. I packed my bags and folded the bedding in the guest room. I was indeed reluctant to leave this wonderful place, but I couldn't show it. I casually told Li Yuzhong that if anyone bullied him while I was away from school, he should tell me. He smiled shyly and said okay, he understood.

That's so well-behaved.

So cute.

He's like a little pet I keep at school. If anyone tries to hurt him while I'm not around, I really will beat them up, no joke. I was carrying my suitcase and walking with the driver to the car when he suddenly called out to me again, saying "Li Juntong," while waving his phone around.

"I've already talked to Grandma! You can stay here!!"

"……What?"

I doubt I misheard.

I must have misheard.

He came over with his phone in hand, wanting me to answer it. My heart was pounding. Grandma Li told me to stay here, and I said, "Isn't that inappropriate?" "No, it's not inappropriate," she said, "Just stay." Me? I'll stay? She said, "Good child, just stay."

I said, "...Thank you."

As soon as I finished speaking, Li Yuzhong suddenly hugged me. He jumped up happily, saying, "That's great, that's great!" I was still at a loss. The scorching sunlight was pouring down on me, making it hard for me to open my eyes. The ground radiated a terrifying heat; if I stayed there for a while, I felt like the air in my chest would explode. Suddenly, I hugged him back and jumped up. The two of us hopped and jumped like little rabbits, like little zombies in the jungle.

I thought to myself,

The most wonderful summer in the world is coming.