Chapter 20

I won't tell you.

Finally, I met you.

Many years have passed.

Many years have passed, but time has left no trace on your face. On the contrary, the little flesh on your cheeks has become firmer, your bone structure more prominent, and your face is more perfect. I am truly ashamed. I put so much effort into dressing myself up, starting my day early, but I am still not as good as a single strand of your hair. You don't know, when I saw you on the street corner, the bleak wind was so timely, blowing the strands of hair by your ear.

Bright and beautiful.

I just stood there, unsure whether to approach you, retreat, speak to you, or remain silent. I was stunned by your beauty; you were so beautiful, far more beautiful than anyone I'd seen in movies. Nobody told me you were this beautiful; I was going crazy.

Finally, I found my voice and called out to you. It wasn't until the third time that you looked at me. It wasn't your fault; it was all my fault. You were just distracted by the scenery, and I'm not pretty enough to attract your attention. You walked towards me and called me "deskmate."

cute.

I love it.

I can't control my smile anymore.

My colleagues say my cheap smile is rare, but when I see you, it overflows like it's free. I haven't improved at all; the moment you approach me with that tender smile, I just want to foolishly smile back at you. Thankfully, I'm much better at controlling my feelings now.

We had a brief chat, and you said you were surprised I asked you to play my wife, that it seemed strange. My heart skipped a beat, and I panicked, asking if you were going to do it or not. If you didn't, then... I really didn't know how to continue. Luckily, you said you would, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Actually, my only bargaining chip was money, and I knew you were short on cash lately, so it was hard for you to refuse.

I am rather despicable.

This is what I think: I tried to keep you with money, you didn't know that, did you? I'm actually a pretty decent person, but when it came to trying to keep you, I became a despicable man, even telling a lie that I myself find laughable. Fortunately, it was enough to fool you, so it wasn't too bad.

You asked me how to act, what my thoughts were. To be honest, my only thought was to be on the same household registration as you, because that's what I've strictly demanded of myself all these years. At first, I only pretended to be your boyfriend, but that conflicted with the fact that you have a boyfriend. No matter how hard I try to deceive myself, I can't fool myself. So I decided to play your husband.

I feel I possess a certain wisdom, because this works perfectly. I am your husband, which doesn't conflict with your relationship with your boyfriend. Besides, you and Chi Jiansheng are just playing around, though that's not impossible. After all, he's barely qualified as a pastime for you, but as a husband, he's not quite good enough. As for me, my current net worth seems to give me a greater advantage than his.

I know that to you, it's just acting out a script, but to me, even if we only play husband and wife for one day, I can still enjoy that one day of happiness. Sometimes, even if you don't play the role, and I don't need to at all, the thought of being your true spouse fills me with comfort, a sense of fulfillment that comes after all the years of hardship. I know very well that the day your contract ends, my happiness will end, and I'll be like a fugitive in a movie, living one day at a time.

A day when you're by my side, a day when you hold my arm and greet my family with a smile, a day when we have even the slightest interaction—that's my best day. You don't know that every day I love you is actually my most fortunate and proudest day.

And then, after so many years, you stayed overnight at the Li family's old house again. I can hardly believe you've stepped into this place filled with our memories. You seemed a little reluctant, but I was lost in the memories of our time together. You mentioned that we used to share a bed, and you remember how my heart pounded and my whole body felt warm. If you continued talking, I wouldn't be able to resist hugging you and pulling you onto the bed, which would probably scare you out the door immediately. So, although I really wanted to, I had to restrain myself.

You pick up that Walkman.

You were surprised to find it still working. I wanted to tell you that its battery wasn't very good; it broke down the second year after you left, and I specifically asked a repairman to fix it. I didn't choose to take it with me; instead, I placed it in the room where you lived, as if it had always belonged there, just like you. Every now and then, I go back to the old house to keep it company, clean your room, and I keep listening to the things you recorded.

I love you.

The words I once uttered, distorted by electromagnetic waves, stirred up many long-forgotten memories. I recalled everything that had happened around those words, how I accidentally pinned you down on the bed while trying to win them over, how you looked at me in surprise, and how I blushed and my heart pounded.

Did I fall in love with you back then?

Or even earlier?

Now, with the test of time, I feel comfortable replacing "like" with the more sincere word—"love." Although both are "love" in English, their meanings are vastly different. I can confidently say that I love you the most, because no one has liked you for longer than me, and no one has been more persistent in loving you than me; I've persisted for ten years.

Those fleeting connections, like blossoms in the morning and petals in the evening, changed in a flash, I don't envy. What I want is more than just to walk a part of life with you; I want to be your final destination. But time is running out. If I can't win your heart in this time after our reunion, I think I'm finished. All these years I haven't understood life; my feelings for you are like that interrupted "I love—"

I take this opportunity to shout:

Li Juntong.

I like you.

I love you.

Still a coward, only daring to let that mechanical voice confess my feelings. I saw your momentary surprise, and I asked if you still wanted your Walkman. You laughed and said, "Who wants this old-fashioned thing?" Yes, who would want it? I will. I live on, guarding my past memories.

It's me.

It's me again.

This left me heartbroken, realizing you had no other feelings for me, just as you had many years ago. But I couldn't understand where I had gone wrong. Wasn't I the right one? I tossed and turned all night, you in bed, me on the sofa. Gazing at your peaceful sleeping face, I was utterly perplexed, staring at you, a mixture of joy and confusion.

How can I make you fall in love with me?

As I placed the engagement ring on your finger, I watched you kiss me between my finger and your hand. Your bright, clear eyes sent a jolt of electricity through my body, a tingling, numbing sensation that felt like you were kissing my lips.

I lack the ability to make you fall in love with me, yet you seem to have it all figured out—making me fall in love with you is effortless, requiring no thought whatsoever. One glance from you, and my heart is irresistibly drawn to you. I can't help but want to pick you up and spin you around. This engagement day, what a wonderful day! Every day with you is a beautiful day. I should find a documentary filmmaker to record them all, so I can watch them after our divorce. Even if tears stream down my face and I'm in so much pain I can hardly breathe, I'll keep watching.

No one could persuade him otherwise.

There are some things you don't know, things I won't tell you even on my deathbed. Even if you interrogate me with that adorable smile, or press me with your soft tears, I won't tell you. The day we got engaged, I posted on WeChat Moments. I deliberately had an acquaintance forward it to Chi Jiansheng. He came to confront me, and I wasn't surprised at all. I wanted him to see us at our happiest, to make that bastard furious. When you got out of the car to deal with him, I wanted to press my ear against the window to hear every word you said; it felt incredibly satisfying.

I won't tell you either.

What happened after you went upstairs.

Chi Jian was furious, just like when I found out you had a boyfriend. Looking at him was like seeing my past self, a feeling that truly disgusted me. He pointed his finger at me, calling me a homewrecker, claiming he should have sensed something was wrong when I beat him up in the dark, and now that I'd stolen his boyfriend, he was filled with regret. I calmly said, "Then beat him up back."

He punched me.

He should study law; that gave me a reason to defend myself, and I immediately punched him back. I've been working out for many years, so I know how heavy that punch was. He bled from the mouth, covered his face, and stared at me like he'd seen a ghost. I used a very clear head to argue with him about who the other woman was. I said that when we got together, he was still working on his "Five Years of College Entrance Exam, Three Years of Mock Exams." Chronologically, I came first, and he came later. In terms of status, I'm your fiancé, and he's just your ex.

"Mistress, mistress!" I kicked him with all my might. He's been the mistress all these years, clinging to you and refusing to let go. He should have some shame! His shameless behavior disgusts me. I hate him. To be honest, all these years I've hated Chi Jiansheng to the point of being visibly grotesque, grinding my teeth, and feeling utterly miserable. If taking those kicks could keep me from having you for so many years, I'd gladly die from the pain.

Finally, I kicked him until he was almost unconscious before I stopped and had the driver call the police. He still wouldn't give up and tried to get back together with you, threatening to beat me up and tell you. I'm a useless person; all I have is some money, which happens to be enough to buy some connections, and those connections happen to be enough to shut him down. I've always been a very moral person; I don't force people to do things, but there are some things I have to do. Someone wanted to destroy my little bit of happiness, and I gritted my teeth and did it.

He asked me if I was afraid you'd be angry if you found out about my arrogant behavior, since I've always disliked interference in my life. I don't think you'll ever find out. I've handled everything very carefully, and you'll never discover anything. Besides, I've always been seen as innocent and harmless by you.

I will continue to do so.

Just like now, as you confide your secret to me, halfway through your sentence, your hand can't help but reach for the sunlight slipping through your fingers. I long for that ray of light you can grasp. There's nothing you can't have even if you try your hardest; I won't allow that. I immediately place the back of your hand, tightly holding that ray of sunlight for you, so that our fingers can intertwine once more. I then kiss your face as you drift off to sleep.

You don't know, Li Juntong, every time you kissed me, I was fully conscious. The night I took care of you when you had a fever, I didn't wake up when you secretly kissed me. Whether you were just playing around or you genuinely had feelings for me, I want to say that this time I won't let you off easily. I've been lying low for ten years, waiting for this very opportunity to rise to power.

If you love me, I will be overjoyed, but if you don't, I won't be overly discouraged. Because I've always approached this with a do-or-die mentality, even if it means losing everything. I've never had your love, so I'm not afraid of losing it. Many times, people have to grit their teeth and take that step, even if they end up with nothing, but they shouldn't be afraid—that's courage.

Just take one step towards me, and I'll take the remaining ninety-nine to you. I've endured this all these years; suffering is what I'm meant to do. On our wedding night, you asked me if I loved you, and I went to embrace you. I couldn't even be sure if my tears were genuine or just an act. I'm so scared. What if you're just playing with me again?

I'm scared, I'm heartbroken and helpless. After all these years of loving you, will you still accept me? Hold me in your arms, please. I really, really love it like this. When you hug me, I'm no longer afraid of being alone, and I can withstand any storm.

You said you wanted to sleep with me, but you don't know how much more eager I am than you. I wish I could spend my whole life with you in one night, so you wouldn't change your mind the next day. If that happens, everything will be over, and I won't admit it. I'll just shamelessly say that I've already given myself to you, and you can't deny it.

Ah, those things happened after you woke up.

Right now, I'm still incredibly excited, still wanting more. While you're fast asleep, I want to trace your features with my dry lips—your high brows, your deep-set eyes, your sharp nose, and those soft lips I've always dreamed of. Everything about you, just breathing in your scent, fills my heart with peace and my blood with excitement. To have you, my final wish, is the hundredth item on my wish list, my unfulfilled desire. If I could achieve that, even death wouldn't be so bad.

I thought happily once again,

I'm hiring you to play my wife.

That was truly the best thing I've ever done in my life.

-End of text-