3 Monologue

◎Ci Ying's sweetheart.◎

In Ciying's long life, there were two moments when it felt as if light suddenly appeared. Was it sunlight? Snow? Or something else? Ciying couldn't tell.

She had lived in the family of a weaver since she could remember. Her mother was an embroiderer, and the family depended on the embroiderer's eyes for a living. Her father was a scholar who had never passed the imperial examinations. He wore a patched gown and, with a noble air, ate up everything the family earned with the embroiderer's eyes.

Later, the embroiderer became blind and encountered a flood. The family could not survive, so the scholar sold all his children.

Ciying was the one sold the hardest. As a child, she didn't understand, but only much later did she realize that the scholar was being driven by jealousy. Jealousy that a woman could display such talent at such a young age. Even later, with a more discerning eye, Ciying saw the world and understood that in the Lishan Academy, where great scholars and geniuses abounded, her fleeting childhood talent was nothing.

When she was two or three years old, Ciying always followed the scholar. As the youngest child in the family, she had received a little favor from the family. The scholar would hold her on his knees and teach her to read and write, which was a luxury for a girl in the countryside.

When Ciying was four or five years old, her mother was weaving cloth in the house with her eyes narrowed, the scholar was holding a book and shaking his head up and down and left and right, and Ciying and her brothers and sisters were using wooden sticks to gesture on the ground.

Gradually, the scholar moved behind Ciying. This time, he did not pick up the most beloved child in the family, but stared at the poem on the ground, and then looked at the still ignorant Ciying with a very complicated look.

Within three days, the scholar became famous in the town with a poem. In the following year, Ciying no longer had her father's care and attention. The scholar replaced the wooden stick in her hand with a charcoal pencil and asked her to write poetry once every half month, once every seven days, once every three days... After half a year, Ciying could no longer write a single word.

She looked at her father crying, her fingers trembling and tears rolling down her cheeks, but the scholar just stared feverishly at the discarded manuscript of Ciying's poem in his hand, revising it over and over again, hoping that this manuscript, which had been drained of the child's spirit, could build a ladder for him to achieve the goal he had never reached in his lifetime.

But unfortunately, there was no such thing. Except for the first two or three poems that were full of inspiration, the poems Ci Ying was forced to write later were just "mediocre" poems written with blood and tears. Later, the embroiderer became blind and encountered a flood. On the way to escape, the blind embroiderer and several half-grown children were all sold by the scholar.

When the boy escorted Ciying to the Xie residence, he said only one thing: "Ciying, your mother jumped into the well yesterday. From now on, just pretend that you don't have any parents in this world."

"Child, forget it." Having seen so many people worse than ghosts, this was a rare sincere remark from a young man. Ci Ying followed the elegantly dressed nanny from the Xie residence as they approached the towering whitewashed wall. She didn't turn around, not again.

The scholar sold her to a brothel, and hidden in the bag of rice was the ten taels of silver she earned from selling her body during the famine.

Jealousy made the scholar lose even the slightest kindness that a father should have towards his children.

Ci Ying's arrival at the Xie residence by the nanny was a fortuitous occasion. That day, Xie Suwei, the second daughter of the Xie family, was selecting a maid of the same age. In reality, the Xie residence had originally chosen a maid for the second daughter, but she had said that servants were boring and she wanted to choose for herself. While this was stated publicly, those who knew the truth dared not say a word.

It was also a coincidence that when Ci Ying followed the nanny past the selection courtyard, she happened to meet the eyes of the girl in the wheelchair. Frail and gentle—this was Ci Ying's first impression of the wheelchair-bound Second Young Lady.

The sun was so bright that day that Ci Ying always confused the young lady with the sunshine when she recalled that day, even though everyone knew that the young lady was gentle and weak.

When Ci Ying heard the voice and looked over subconsciously, Xie Suwei in the wheelchair raised her finger across the well-cared-for green vine in the corridor and said softly, "I want her." At that moment, that ray of sunlight was reflected in Ci Ying's half life.

In this way, Ci Ying became Xie Suwei's personal maid. Xie Suwei was the most gentle person in the world, with a noble status and a frail body. She grew up in great love and did not encounter any setbacks along the way.

Everyone treated Xie Suwei as a porcelain doll, except Ci Ying. During the long years of growing up together, Ci Ying looked into Xie Suwei's gentle eyes and understood what Xie Suwei wanted better than anyone else.

--free.

But this is not something Ciying can afford.

But she would fly kites for Xie Suwei, climb trees to pick fruits from high up for her, and many more... Anything that Xie Suwei wanted to do but couldn't do because of her identity or body, Ci Ying would do it one by one without Xie Suwei asking.

Naturally, Ci Ying will also do everything that Xie Suwei doesn't want to do but has to do.

This included the maid dressing up as a young lady and attending royal sacrifices on her behalf, which was a heinous act from any perspective. That day, Ru Zhen's hand, which was holding Ci Ying's sleeve, kept shaking.

Ci Ying was actually very nervous, but based on her previous experiences, it was a snowy day and the sky was already dark. She was wearing a big hat and a cloak, so the possibility of being discovered was actually very small - unless there was any unexpected situation.

At the moment the mountain avalanche collapsed, everyone fled in all directions. Xie Huaijin rescued Ci Ying from under a beam that was about to collapse.

Well, Xie Huaijin, that’s his name.

Jin, Jinyu, means beautiful jade.

Since the Battle of Su Tomb, the royal family has declined, and the power of the Wang and Su families has been greatly reduced. The Xie family, which has always maintained a neutral attitude in the court, has a tendency to break the balance and become the head of the aristocratic family.

The eldest son of the century-old Xie family, he was a poet at the age of three, a prose writer at the age of five, and a disciple of Qin Mu, the foremost scholar at the Lishan Academy, at the age of eleven. He possessed a distinguished reputation and, at the age of seventeen, was expected to pass the imperial examination and become the next head of the aloof, reserved, and self-disciplined Xie family.

Ciying’s momentary savior.

He was the lover that Ciying spent many years with day and night in.

The snow mixed with the crushed beams, and the dust in the air seemed unable to touch the person in front of him. Blending into the snowy silhouette, the tall young man's snow-white sleeves shone with the light of heaven.

At the end of that day, when Ru Zhen ran over and hugged her worriedly, Ci Ying heard her heavy heartbeat, as if something was about to penetrate her chest and flow out along the snow-covered sky.

That feeling lasted more than a moment, and Ciying's reason surrendered at some point.

Her love is reflected in her eyes, through time, through every time she adjusts her skirt, through every moment of light breathing, through her uncontrollable heartbeat, and through many unspeakable moments.

She clearly understood that this was her one-man show.

In fact, after that snowstorm, she never met Xie Huaijin again.

The difference in their status was as vast as the distance between heaven and earth, as great as an insurmountable chasm. Reason, through the window lattice and in the pitch-black darkness of the night, kissed her restless delusion and silence.

After that day, the young lady, who had always been favored, was confined to her room by the head of the family for a full six months.

Until the young lady was buried, a full two years passed, and Ci Ying never saw Xie Huaijin again.

She stubbornly called Xie Huaijin by his name, which meant beautiful jade, in her heart, instead of his identity as the eldest son of the Xie family, which was priced at a high price. Amid the clamor and cheers of the admiring students, Ci Ying turned around quietly, her heart beating inaudibly all the time.

*

"Ci Ying...Ci Ying..."

In Tingshuang Courtyard, Ru Zhen circled around Ci Ying several times. Seeing that Ci Ying hadn't recovered, she placed her hands on her shoulders and began to shake her. Only when Ci Ying's eyes regained their familiar color and her shadow reappeared did Ru Zhen breathe a sigh of relief and say, "Did someone in the academy bully you? We are also..."

Ci Ying immediately covered Ru Zhen's mouth as she was about to brag, and gently shook her head. Ru Zhen pouted but sat down obediently beside her. After confirming that Ci Ying was fine, she began to complain quietly, "Do we need to be so careful? We weren't like this before when the young lady was here."

"Walls have ears, Ruzhen, I'm not a lady." If your wrong words reach the master's ears, I won't be able to protect you.

Ru Zhen understood Ci Ying's subtext and slowly rested her head on Ci Ying's shoulder: "It's all spread outside. I don't mean any other meaning. It's just that you went to the academy by yourself for the first time today, and you didn't let me go with you. I was afraid that you would be bullied."

Ci Ying hugged him and comforted him softly, "You know, I don't mean to blame you."

Ru Zhen sobbed softly in Ci Ying's arms. Even though she didn't understand at first, after Ci Ying's repeated persuasion, she now understood a little bit - after becoming a "lady", Ci Ying's situation was not as good as she had imagined. Ru Zhen looked up at Ci Ying and found that Ci Ying was distracted again. Ru Zhen wanted to speak, but finally closed her mouth.

The academy was closed for three days a month, and the fourth day, when Ciying was to go, happened to be the end of the month, also the monthly closed day for Lishan Academy. Ciying had brought some books back from the academy, and Ruzhen flipped through them, finding them boring. She blinked at Ciying, who was studying diligently under the lamp beside her.

For some reason, Ru Zhen suddenly felt that Ci Ying was very distant from her. It wasn't obvious when the young lady was around, but it suddenly became obvious when she was gone. Ru Zhen ran over and put one hand on Ci Ying's book, asking in confusion, "Is studying useful for us?"

Ru Zhen seemed to want to prove something, and her tone unconsciously became sharp. Ci Ying did not answer Ru Zhen's question immediately, but held Ru Zhen's hand.

Ru Zhen's hands were very cold, like the water from the deepest well underground in July.

Ci Ying asked with concern, "What's wrong?"

Ru Zhen suddenly felt that she was being unreasonable and tried to leave, but Ci Ying grabbed her hand. Ru Zhen's tears suddenly fell, and then Ci Ying heard a ridiculous excuse: "Yun Xia laughed at me and said that the clothes I was wearing were outdated Chang'an styles and were ugly."

Yunxia was a maidservant to the Third Young Lady, and she and Ruzhen were both illegitimate children of the Xie family. They had a habit of comparing themselves to each other since childhood. Recently, Yunxia's mother had won the Old Lady's favor, and the people below her were probably fawning over Yunxia. Yunxia had even come to show off in front of Ruzhen, which naturally made her uncomfortable.

Ci Ying rubbed her temples but she felt a little relieved. She stood up and took a box from the dressing table. She opened it without counting and took out all the remaining money and gave it to Ru Zhen. The total amount was about fifteen taels, enough for Ru Zhen to buy two sets of clothes.

At the back door.

Ru Zhen tightly grasped the silver in her hand, and looked at the embarrassed man opposite with red eyes: "Mother said that you haven't been home in the past few days. Last time, the time before that, where did the money I gave you go?"

Ru Zhen was about to cry, but the man was only searching for something on her body. When he saw the purse, his eyes lit up: "My dear daughter, give it to Daddy, it was an accident last time. Don't listen to your mother's nonsense. What does she know? My dear daughter, give it to Daddy..." He was about to grab it, but Ru Zhen held him down tightly: "I know you went to gamble, you liar, you are a liar, don't gamble anymore, use this money to pay back what you owe, and then..."

Ru Zhen looked at the man's leg which was still bleeding and his pants which were covered with footprints: "Use the remaining money to see a doctor, Dad." Ru Zhen squatted down and forced tears fell. She squatted down and wiped the blood from the man's leg with a handkerchief with heartache. The white handkerchief was stained red as soon as it touched the trouser leg. When the handkerchief was removed, there was dust mixed with blood.

The man patted his squatting daughter's head and said, "Okay, okay... okay." His expression couldn't be seen in the darkness, but his rapid breathing could be heard. He was so anxious that after saying those three "okay" words, he clutched the purse filled with silver tightly and limped away.

The man's figure gradually faded into the darkness. Ru Zhen turned her back to the door and began to cry. Her handkerchief was stained with blood, so she wiped away the tears with her sleeve. But as she wiped, the tears kept falling. Ru Zhen simply squatted down and held her head in her arms, crying. Her tears fell into the darkness. The guards at the gate took the money and did not stand by to watch her embarrassment. But Ru Zhen still walked away and cried, not really knowing what she was crying about. Her father had promised her that she would come home after she paid the money. He had promised her, hadn't he?

If the young lady were still alive, if Ciying didn't have to spend a lot of time studying because she had to get at least the top three grades in the academy exam at the beginning of next month, if the lady was emotionally stable and Chuntao monitored Ciying less and she didn't have to deal with temptations from all sides every day, Ciying might... no, Ciying would definitely notice Ruzhen's abnormality.

That way, maybe things wouldn't have come to that point.