Chapter 74

◎Okay. ◎

Even if the Yan family's merchant ship traveled the fastest by water, day and night, Ci Ying did not arrive in Chang'an until dusk six days later. The ship did not stop all the way, and the wind and waves tore the ship and kept hitting it. Ci Ying, who was not seasick, felt dizzy.

Lingyue, who was accompanying her, prepared a lot of sweet and sour dried fruits, and Ciying would eat some whenever she felt dizzy.

Apart from the secret guards and the guards in public, Ciying only brought Lingyue with her. Lingshuang stayed in Mobei to handle the rest of the matters. If anything happened, she would be informed by letter.

Lingyue said that she wanted to go see Xiaowan when she arrived in Chang'an. Two years ago, Xiaowan gave birth to a girl and named her Li You. The name also contains the pronunciation of "You", which means a safe and smooth life.

Ciying said "OK" and she would go with them when the time came.

Lingyue suddenly smiled and held Ciying's hand: "Xiaowan must be very happy to meet the master."

Ci Ying has always been surprised that Xiaowan and Lingyue could become such good friends and their friendship remained strong over the years, but when she thought about how she would actually take a boat to Chang'an to look for Xie Huaijin, she felt that anything was possible in this world.

After getting off the boat, Ciying and Lingyue first stayed in an inn.

Ci Ying went to the teahouse to inquire about Xie Huaijin, but unsurprisingly, she found nothing. From the tea drinkers, Ci Ying learned that Xie Huaijin had not appeared in public for a long time.

When they came out of the teahouse, it was noon. Ci Ying and Ling Yue were walking on the streets of Chang'an.

Lingyue said, "It's more lively than Mobei."

Ci Ying saw the old man selling hawthorns from afar, and pulled Ling Yue forward to buy two bunches. When they were paying, the old man suddenly said, "It's Madam."

Ci Ying was surprised that the old man could recognize her, and said softly, "Well, it's been a long time, old man."

The old man smiled and said, "Why is it that Madam is buying it herself today? In the past, it was always the young man next to your husband who bought it, and they always bought two strings each time."

When Lingyue saw Ciying, she saw Ciying hesitate for a long time while holding the candied haws, and asked, "Uncle, when was the last time he came to buy candied haws?"

The old man recalled: "It's been a while, maybe since the New Year. I haven't seen that guy since the New Year."

Ci Ying said "thank you very much" and took two more strings of candied haws, and gave the old man some more copper coins. The old man said "no, no, no", and Ci Ying said softly: "Please accept it."

The old man hurriedly said "thank you", and Ciying took Lingyue away.

Lingyue bit a candied haws and asked softly, "Master, are we coming to your house today?"

"Well, let's go now." Ciying held up the candied haws in her hand, and Lingyue helped take one: "Master, it's so sour."

Ci Ying also took a bite and found it was really sour.

She whispered, "I thought the hawthorns would be very sweet at this time."

Lingyue laughed: "Hawthorn is at its most sour at this time. If you want to eat something sweet, you can wait a while. However, hawthorn is sweet but also a little sour. It will be better if made into cakes. I will make it for you when we get back."

Ciying said "OK".

She didn't know either, but the first letter that person wrote to her said that hawthorns buried in the snow were very sweet.

It turns out it’s not sweet.

The sourness made Ciying's eyes feel a little sore.

Lingyue noticed it quickly, but didn't say anything. She just lowered her head and ate the candied haws in her hand.

When it comes to Ciying and the young master, they are outsiders. Lingyue just wants Ciying to be happy. Ever since the Madam left Ciying with her, her and her sister's only wish has been for Ciying to be healthy, safe, and happy.

The two of them took a carriage to the Xie Mansion. They could have walked in through the gate. On the surface, in the eyes of the Xie family, Ci Ying was still the Madam, but Ci Ying didn't. The side door of the Xie family was opened from the inside. The secret guard lowered his head. Ci Ying said softly, "Go down."

Two people walked in.

There was not much change in the grass and trees inside. The bleak wind of the Chang'an family did not seem to blow to the Xie family. There were just fewer people in the mansion. Ci Ying and Ling Yue walked along the secluded path and did not meet anyone along the way.

When she saw the person, she had already arrived in front of Xie Huaijin's study.

She didn't know why, but she felt like he should be here.

The gatekeeper confirmed Ci Ying's guess. When Zhu Er saw her, the dogtail grass in his mouth fell out. He stood up and was about to go inside, but Ling Yue came forward and grabbed his sleeve. Zhu Er stopped where he was. The door was opened from the inside at this time. Ci Ying looked inside and saw Zhu Yi coming out with a smell of medicine.

Seeing Ci Ying, Zhu Yi couldn't hide his surprise, but his voice was very soft: "You're back."

Ci Ying pushed aside the candle, intending to go straight inside. She should be able to see Xie Huaijin after passing through another door. If he could still drink the medicine, he must be alive. Having already confirmed that Xie Huaijin was alive, she turned and left, seemingly completing her journey.

In the past, Ciying really turned around and left, but this time she didn't want to.

She said "Let's break up" in the letter, and at the same time she said "I miss you very much" in the letter. The letters went from one a month to one every six months, and finally to one a month, which was a mess. Ci Ying had many questions in her mind, and she wanted an answer.

An answer that should clearly be given by the young people themselves.

On this side, Ci Ying couldn't move Zhu Yi. After looking at Zhu Yi, she found that Zhu Yi's face was full of hesitation. Ci Ying confronted Zhu Yi and picked up her dress and went in. Zhu Yi looked at Ci Ying's back and finally didn't stop her. Zhu Er was about to say something, but was stopped by Zhu Yi.

Lingyue did not follow in. She watched Zhu Yi and Zhu Er guessing riddles, and her eyes could not help but look into the study a few more times.

Ci Ying pushed open the door of the inner room, which made a slight sound, and soon the sound of a young man coughing was heard from inside the room.

The young man sat in front of the desk, facing her, with a yellowed book in his hand.

Hearing the voice, the young man looked up, and Ci Ying was able to "look into" the young man's eyes.

At first she thought they were looking at each other, but after a while, the young man's eyes didn't change at all, and he didn't notice her coming.

After he stopped coughing, he said to Ciying, "Zhu Yi, bring the remaining medicine."

Ci Ying's heart couldn't stop trembling, and her hands were shaking too. She picked up the medicine tray from outside and walked towards where the young man was.

The medicine juice was shaking in the bowl, and Ci Ying used a lot of strength to steady the tray. She knelt opposite Xie Huaijin, placed the medicine in front of the young man, and then handed the spoon to him.

Then Ci Ying saw the young man groping on the table with his eyes open, until his slender fingers held the edge of the medicine bowl. Ci Ying swallowed and her eyes began to turn red.

Opposite her, the young man heard the sound of tears and raised his eyes to look where Ci Ying was.

The young man's eyes, which Ci Ying once thought were the most favored by the Creator, have now lost their luster. At this moment, Ci Ying and Xie Huaijin are only separated by a desk, and all Ci Ying can see in the young man's eyes is a dark and gloomy sight.

Xie Huaijin couldn't see anymore.

Ci Ying took a long time to say this to herself.

The person opposite quietly put down the medicine bowl and asked in confusion, "Is it Ciying?"

Ciying wanted to say "No", but a familiar bird in the distance called "Ciying, Ciying". Ciying burst into tears and choked out, "No."

The young man paused for a moment and asked gently, "Why are you in Chang'an?"

As he spoke, he pushed the handkerchief in front of her: "Did it scare you? It's okay. It's nothing once you get used to it."

Ci Ying looked at the white handkerchief that was pushed in front of her and cried, "Xie Huaijin, I hate you."

If someone came from afar to say "hate", Xie Huaijin raised his hand to touch Ci Ying's tearful eyes, his voice gentle: "Yes, I know."

She should hate him forever.

Ci Ying's tears fell on Xie Huaijin's hand. The two of them were separated by a table. Although the young man was blind, Ci Ying could still see a smile in his eyes.

The young man in a snow-white coat said gently, "Ciying, I'm very happy."

Ciying is unhappy.

The young man rambled on about the past two years, and at the end he said softly, "Ciying, have you read all those letters? There should be thirteen in total."

Ci Ying said, "No, I had all the letters you sent burned."

The young man laughed for some reason and then started coughing softly.

Ci Ying asked, "Are you angry?"

Xie Huaijin shook his head: "Why would I be angry about this?"

Ci Ying clenched her fists and asked casually, "What did you write?"

The young man paused for a moment, then said, "Tanghulu, flower trees, and so on. I forgot the rest."

"By the way." The young man asked gently, "Ciying, how long do you plan to stay in Chang'an?"

Ci Ying said, "I'll go back tomorrow."

The young man was stunned for a moment, and finally said, "Okay."

In the study in the afternoon, the flowers and trees in front of the window were swaying, just as Xie Huaijin said in the letter, when the wind blew, the flowers and leaves fell, and some petals even floated in. Ci Ying inexplicably felt her eyes sore, she obviously didn't like crying at all.

There was no sound for a long time, and the young man thought Ciying had left.

He was stunned for a moment and touched his ear.

One is somewhat deaf, while the other can still barely hear.

Well, better than the eyes.

The young man seemed to have really become gentler, no longer like before, gentle on the surface but a sharp sword inside.

Ci Ying looked at Xie Huaijin with red eyes. She must not have known before that one day in the future she would be heartbroken because Xie Huaijin was no longer so high-spirited.

Maybe it's regret that we don't distinguish between love and hate.

She asked, "What happened to your ears?"

Xie Huaijin seemed surprised that Ciying was still there. After a long pause, he said, "One of them can't hear anymore."

Like his eyes, these were difficult things to hide.

Xie Huaijin spoke calmly, but Ciying could not calm down.

She asked again, "How have you been these past two years?"

Xie Huaijin said: "Not bad."

He asked again, "What about you?"

Ci Ying didn't want to answer. She felt uncomfortable listening to his casual remarks, so she started to speak: "No, Yuwen Fu is using family ties to blackmail me, Yan Ji is using military power to blackmail me, and they all say I should marry Yin Ce."

"Yin Ce?" The young man only repeated the name.

Ci Ying just nodded, then remembered that Xie Huaijin couldn't see, so she spoke again: "Yes, Yin Ce, Mobei Yin Family."

Xie Huaijin knew that the patriarch of the Yin family, whom Yuwen Shu wanted to match at the banquet that day, was young, promising, and handsome, and would be a great help to Ci Ying.

He could have just told Ci Ying "You don't need it" and slandered the man openly or covertly, but judging from Ci Ying's tone, he didn't seem to like it anyway.

But he didn't, and just said gently: "Putting aside Yuwen Fu and Yan Ji, Yin Ce is indeed a great help to you, and can help you take another step forward in Mobei..."

He was thinking about Ciying, and as he was talking he realized there was no sound from the other side.

Ci Ying looked at Xie Huaijin with red eyes, turned around and was about to leave, but forced herself to stay.

She looked at Xie Huaijin with tears in her eyes, not understanding why he always pushed her away when he clearly loved her. She didn't realize it before, but what about now?

Realizing that Ci Ying didn't like it, Xie Huaijin slowly stopped.

The young man coughed and said silently, "I'm sorry."

Then he said, "Ciying, this is your own business. No matter what you choose, I support you."

Ci Ying said coldly, "Then I will go back tomorrow and marry Yin Ce."

Xie Huaijin was stunned for a moment, but quickly said gently, "Okay."

Seeing that Ciying didn't respond, he said gently: "I probably won't be able to go on, but I will add a dowry for you. If possible, you can try to persuade Yin Ce to marry into your family. Between you and him, you are in a higher position. Since this is a marriage for the benefit of others, then try to maximize your benefits."

Ciying lowered her eyes and two lines of tears fell.

It was obviously a very sad thing, but she began to feel like laughing. She looked at Xie Huaijin who was waiting for her response across from her and slapped him.

She didn't hit him lightly, and after this slap, the atmosphere in the room became silent.

Xie Huaijin turned his face to the side and started coughing again.

Ci Ying softly uttered the name "Xie Huaijin," and then said, "Since you don't mind me marrying someone else, what does each of the 'I miss you so much' in the letter mean? Young Master Xie can't read, do you need me to teach you?"

Xie Huaijin slowly stood up. He couldn't see, so he became extremely sensitive to sounds.

"You hit your hand on the table. Does it hurt?"

It didn't hurt at first, but when Xie Huaijin asked, Ci Ying felt some pain.

She didn't let Xie Huaijin change the subject. She just sat opposite the young man and said in silence for a while, "Xie Huaijin, I seem to be really tired."

The young man's body stiffened at her first words.

Ci Ying didn't want to hit anyone anymore, and she wanted to have a good talk with Xie Huaijin, but it was difficult, really difficult.

She raised her eyes and spoke calmly, more frankly than ever before.

"I don't want to let myself down again and again because of you. I don't understand why you love me but can send Li Sheng into my room. I also don't understand why you say you miss me but rationally analyze that I can marry Yin Ce."

The wind blew into the room at this time, and the candlelight swayed with the wind. Ci Ying looked at Xie Huaijin. The young man's body was stiff and his eyes trembled slightly, which was a look she rarely saw.

She always found evidence of Xie Huaijin's love for her in some very strange places.

"The love I understand is not like this, but I always feel that you love me."

Ci Ying spoke softly, she looked into the young man's eyes, knowing clearly that he couldn't see, but she still stubbornly "looked" into his eyes.

Ci Ying also began to feel soft-hearted. She was soft-hearted enough towards Xie Huaijin and this love. She came back to Chang'an from afar not to quarrel with this person again and never have any contact with him again. She understood this person's contradictions and silence before she came back.

So she said, "Xie Huaijin, I'll let you choose one last time."

The wind blew petals all over the ground, and the faint smell of earth mixed with the light smell of medicine in the study. The sunlight shone into the room through the windowsill, slanting down a light layer.

This is the light of April. It shines on people like a piece of flowing gauze, and it feels slightly warm to the touch.

Ci Ying said: "Should I stay and accompany you to treat your illness, or should I go..."

At this point, Ci Ying said softly: "If it's the latter, I promise that I will never see you again in this life."

Xie Huaijin "looked" at Ci Ying. He was like a shriveled and lifeless tree. He looked into the distance at the sunny spring. He did not make a choice, but just stood up with the help of the table under Ci Ying's calm and resolute tone.

He staggered, his face as pale as snow, and beads of sweat appeared on his forehead after taking two steps.

But he didn't stop. He walked around the study and finally stopped in front of Ciying.

He knelt down and touched Ciying's hand step by step.

Ci Ying's heart slowly stopped and her eyes fell on the young man's leg.

Xie Huaijin didn't hold Ci Ying's hand, but wrapped it with his own, and touched it to his face bit by bit. The young man said softly: "When I was treating my illness before, the imperial physician used many medicines and prescriptions to keep me alive. After a high fever, I became blind."

Then came the ear. Ci Ying watched the young man hold her hand, and their hands were stacked together and placed next to the young man's right ear.

"I'm deaf. I can't hear on the right side, and a little on the left side, but I can still hear. I've forgotten when it happened, but it was earlier than I became blind." The young man's voice was very faint.

Then, the young man took Ciying's hand and placed it on his knee: "Legs too, Ciying, I can't hold you like I did in the cave."

He had given Ci Ying everything he could a long time ago. Now, Xie Huaijin looked at Ci Ying, and he seemed to understand that what she liked was the way he was seen in the eyes of young outsiders. The gentleman's skin carved out by the strict and strange etiquette of the Xie family covered his face, and he had also been more or less stained with it over the years.

The young man seemed to feel disgusted if he said these words, just like he was disgusted with his appearance in the bronze mirror that was no longer as beautiful as spring flowers. He talked about his disability and the silent heart in detail.

He was blind and could not see Ciying's eyes which were gradually turning red.

In Xie Huaijin's world, in the Xie family's jungle law, only the excellent can grow up and only the geniuses can survive. His power, wisdom, body, and appearance are all chips for survival.

When he was young, Xie Huaijin was already powerful in the court.

He pushed the power of the Xie family to its peak. He did things that no one in power in the Xie family had done before. When the elders were killed by the pursuers of the secret guards, the last words of some of them who shouted to the sky were "There is hope for the Xie family."

But Xie Huaijin only remembers his youth. When he was young, his father would only cheer for his success.

Those emotions that can be called joy come from his rapid progress in the secular sense.

He subconsciously thought that this was also a bargaining chip to gain love.

He enumerated the defects of his body now, not to show weakness, but to tell Ciying.

You see, that's what Xie Huaijin is like.

Deaf and blind, it is difficult for him to stand up and take a few steps.

He is not now, or has never been, the Xie Huaijin that you admire.

He could pretend before, but he can't do it now.

He was as gray as a dead tree in a remote courtyard, without any bright vitality even in spring.

He had no choice because he felt that the right to choose was never his.

The room was quiet for a long time. Xie Huaijin thought that he might have scared Ci Ying.

He remembered that the person he loved was the softest person in the world, so he helped her take back what she said: "Ciying, I didn't hear..."

Before he could finish his words, a warm body threw itself into his arms and burst into tears.

Ci Ying cried and said, "I hate you," and her eyes, looking at Xie Huaijin, were filled with deep heartache but also overflowing with love.

"I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you..."

Ci Ying cried, thinking about the two years that Xie Huaijin had briefly mentioned in the letter. What kind of torture had he experienced in a place she didn't know? How could he tell her about it so calmly? How could he dare to think that she would abandon him because of this? Ci Ying thought, he didn't understand love at all.

Ci Ying thought again, he didn’t understand love at all.

She doesn't understand either.

So they spent several years in a daze, with pain and torture following them like a shadow.

It was as if fate had written the script from the beginning. They only had souls much later. She hugged Xie Huaijin tightly and cried, "You heard it!"

Xie Huaijin heard it.

He heard love in his deaf right ear.

And the pounding heartbeat of someone else's, or perhaps both of theirs.

He reached out and hugged Ciying: "I heard it."

Neither of them mentioned what happened before. With tears still streaming down her face, Ci Ying went to look at Xie Huaijin's legs. She recognized the scars there; they were caused by him in Yuwen Shu's prison. She remembered something and picked up her pen to write a letter to Yan Ji.

Xie Huaijin could hear some of Ciying's voice and the sound of writing, but he didn't ask what Ciying was writing.

He walked to the window, where light was shining.

The young man stared blankly at the flowers and trees in the yard. The wind blew and fell, and his hands on the windowsill caught his tears.

Warm, like the light shining on the body.

Disease and suffering chased him, but light also came towards him.

Xie Huaijin began to feel that he was lucky in his life.

After Ci Ying finished writing the letter, she walked to the wheelchair and helped Xie Huaijin look at the flowers and trees outside the window.

"Xie Huaijin, one petal fell, two, three... a lot of petals."

"The wind started to blow. A small emerald-yellow bird landed on the tree...and then flew away."

"The sun was covered by clouds, and the wind blew the clouds away... The sun was about to set."

Xie Huaijin was sitting in a wheelchair, Ciying was so close to him that he could feel Ciying's breath.

This let him know that this was not a dream.

He had never even had such a good dream.

Her eyes were sore and painful, and tears started to flow again. The frail young man was covered with a faint light. Ci Ying felt that what Xie Huaijin said was biased. She had clearly seen him in a very miserable state, but she still thought the young man was very handsome.

Like spring flowers, like snow, those noble qualities that are integrated into the bones cannot be taken away even by such a severe illness.

The bronze mirror turns yellow, and Ciying's eyes are the best mirror.

Perhaps, beauty is only in the eyes of the beholder.

She had always thought him handsome.

But he described himself as yesterday's flower. Ci Ying thought Xie Huaijin's eyesight was not very good for a while, but later she realized that Xie Huaijin's eyesight was really not good.

Ci Ying found herself laughing and looked at the young man's tears quietly.

Then she felt the desire to kiss him, so she bent down and gently kissed the young man's eyes.

The girl's whispered words reached Xie Huaijin's ears. She said, "Xie Huaijin, live on."

Xie Huaijin said softly, "Okay."

......

He has always worked very hard.

That’s why I was able to survive these two years after leaving Ciying.