Chapter 109 I Don't Care Anymore "What have I done wrong to you that you have to do this..."

"What did you say to Han Jiang and the others?" Jiang Yueming leaned closer to him and asked.

Han Jiang complained very readily, he was unambiguous in this matter and unwilling to suffer any grievances. Jiang Yueming really didn't believe that Li Leshan would say such a thing until Han Jiang put the text message in front of him and he read it over and over again before he believed it.

Li Leshan paused in writing, looked up at Jiang Yueming, and didn't hide anything from him, "Tell them to stay away from me."

"Why?" Jiang Yueming joked. He thought the two of them had offended Li Leshan, or something else. In any case, this was definitely not Li Leshan's true intention. "When Han Jiang came to talk to me, he almost cried, even though he's a crybaby..."

“Lele, they’re all nice people,” Jiang Yueming explained for them. “I don’t know, um, what happened, but don’t say that.”

Li Leshan lowered his head and stared at the exam paper for a long time before slowly raising his hand. "Then how should I say it so that they will feel better?"

“That’s not what I meant.” Jiang Yueming’s voice softened a little. “I just don’t know why, why did you tell them to stay away? They just wanted to show concern for you.”

Li Leshan was silent for a moment, then frowned. "Do I look like I need a lot of attention?"

What does he look like that people keep asking him, "How are you?", "Are you okay?", "Are you alright?" Does it make any difference whether he's alright or not? Will it have some earth-shattering impact on the world?

"In their eyes, in your eyes, I am a very pitiful person who needs a lot of sympathy, right?" Li Leshan looked up at him, his expression somewhat puzzled.

"Why do you think that way?" Jiang Yueming asked, puzzled. "Why do you attribute everyone's kindness to you to pity and sympathy?"

"Isn't that right?" Li Leshan didn't understand. Wasn't it right? Lately, he had been receiving inexplicable small talk and being stared at with strange looks. Did it matter whether he was alright or not?

“What could it be?” Li Leshan couldn’t think of any other possibility. “If it’s not these, what else could it be?”

"But they meant no harm!" Jiang Yueming didn't understand why he was so stubborn and inflexible. He didn't want other people's help, fine; but why did he also have to shut out other people's concern?!

"But I don't need it!" He didn't need it. He had always been like this. He couldn't repay those kindnesses, so he simply didn't accept them. Otherwise, he would have to rack his brains and think about what he should do, how many times he should bow, and what kind of response they wanted. He didn't have the energy to think about that anymore.

"Whether I'm doing well or not, whether I'm in trouble or not," Li Leshan's eyes reddened, "what does it have to do with them!"

Jiang Yueming stood there, stunned. He looked at Li Leshan's reddened eyes and felt a pang of pain in his heart.

"You... that's what you think?" Jiang Yueming's voice was so soft it was almost inaudible.

Li Leshan felt his heart pounding. He looked at the dull pain that flashed in Jiang Yueming's eyes and belatedly realized what he had just said.

You probably think I'm a selfish and cold-hearted person now, right? You think I'm ungrateful? Li Leshan gave a self-deprecating laugh, feeling his vision gradually blurring.

But he was really tired. Li Leshan thought to himself, whenever he felt those words and gazes coming at him, he had to recall what had happened over and over again, and relive those painful experiences.

Do we have to relive his pain again? Do we have to... do we have to make him admit that he is a cowardly and terrible person?

Was he going to tell those people that he was bad, that something was wrong, that he wasn't doing well? But even if he did tell them, what difference would it make? Would anything change? Would Li Yong disappear, or would his suffering disappear?

No, not at all.

I've long realized I'm a terrible person. Li Leshan closed his eyes briefly, then slowly opened them again.

But no matter how much he has experienced, no matter how much burden he has on his shoulders, no matter if he has to kneel or crawl, he still wants to raise his head and straighten his spine... Why is it so difficult?

“It’s better for them to stay away from me…” Li Leshan said after a long pause, raising his hand.

The closer you get to him, the closer you get to danger. Li Leshan couldn't explain it clearly; he couldn't very well hold someone's hand and say, "My dad will cause you trouble"...

"Why did you look for her?" "What happened?" If someone asks him these questions, how should he answer? Should he recount his entire experience, reopening his wounds? How many times will he have to repeat himself until he can never forget her?

"And what about me?" Jiang Yueming's voice was almost breathy, light and airy. "Should I also stay away from you?"

The words reached Li Leshan's ears. He abruptly looked up at Jiang Yueming, seeing the confused and hurt expression on his face, and felt a pang of pain in his heart. He thought of the photograph, of Li Yong, of the worst possible consequences…

Under Jiang Yueming's gaze, Li Leshan nodded.

Actually, you should have stayed away from me a long time ago. Li Leshan thought to himself that he should have done so much earlier, so that he wouldn't have dragged Jiang Yueming into this mess. But he just couldn't bear to, so he clung to a sliver of hope. Now he truly regrets it, truly regrets it.

"Why?" Jiang Yueming gritted her teeth, "because of your father...?"

Li Leshan remained silent.

"Why is that?!" Jiang Yueming suddenly stood up. He didn't understand. What was Li Leshan carrying on his shoulders? What was he afraid of that made him want to keep everyone out? "Why are you always like this? Why do you always keep nothing to yourself? Why do you always bury everything in your heart..."

"Do I not understand sign language? Or do you think I'm just like those other people, that everything about you has nothing to do with me? So, when I care about you, are you also thinking to yourself, 'I'm just pitying you!'" Jiang Yueming sneered. "Li Leshan, I'm not that free! I'm not some savior, I don't have to fawn over everyone!"

Jiang Yueming's words kept echoing in his ears. Li Leshan's mind went blank, his fingernails dug into his palms, and he couldn't utter a single word.

Jiang Yueming's eyes stung with tears. Looking at the silent person in front of him, he felt another pang of sorrow in his heart.

“You’re always like this, always leaving me to overthink things.” Jiang Yueming choked up. “What am I even trying to achieve? I always have to ask others to tell me what happened. I have to ask your classmates and your teachers why you’re like this.”

“I’m also very tired, and I’m also in a lot of pain,” Jiang Yueming took a deep breath, his brows furrowed. “Sometimes I don’t know what to do.”

So what should he do? Anyone can do it, anyone will do it, but who can tell him what he can do? He can't do nothing in the face of Li Leshan, he can't stand idly by. But once he does something, he has to start considering what Li Leshan will think. Will he disagree, or will he get hurt?

He considered everything carefully, taking everything into consideration, being cautious in everything he did and said. In the end, he was met with the response, "You should stay away from me too."

Li Leshan trembled all over. He kept his head down, not daring to look into Jiang Yueming's eyes or at his grief-stricken expression. He was afraid that he would not be able to help but reveal everything, and he was afraid that he would harm Jiang Yueming.

"I—" Li Leshan's hands trembled, "I didn't mean to cause you pain..."

“But I’m already in pain!” Jiang Yueming cried out.

Silence enveloped me; I couldn't hear a sound. Only the thumping of my heartbeat echoed in my ears.

He looked at Li Leshan's expression; his face was pale, his lips pressed tightly into a line. Clearly, he too wore that expression of pain; clearly, he was in great pain. But why didn't he say anything? Why couldn't he just speak frankly? Why did he have to keep it all hidden, hiding it until it turned out like this? Was he satisfied now?!

"What have I done to wrong you?" Jiang Yueming's eyes reddened, and she choked up, "Why are you treating me like this?"

Li Leshan felt a bitter taste in his stomach. He finally looked up and met Jiang Yueming's gaze, his hands trembling slightly. "I was wrong, I was wrong. Don't say that. You didn't do anything wrong to me... I'll go apologize to them. I will, I will apologize properly..."

He opened his mouth, but still couldn't utter a single syllable. That unspoken urge, that torment, that feeling of something stuck in his throat, was like a sharp sword, almost piercing Li Leshan's heart.

"Besides an apology, is there anything else?" Jiang Yueming asked. "You...don't you have anything else to say?"

Isn't there anything Jiang Yueming wants to say to him? Jiang Yueming is willing to listen to his pain, his thoughts, his fears, his anxieties… Only by knowing these things about Li Leshan can he help him. Otherwise, is he just going to let him try his luck like a headless fly, let him guess? How long will he have to guess? How long will he have to rely on luck?

Tears welled up in Li Leshan's eyes, as if they were about to fall at any moment. He choked up, his eyes pleading, but finally shook his head.

He couldn't say what he wanted to say.

He really can't say.

He had endured so much to get to this point, and he had finally managed to control Li Yong and stop him from causing trouble. He couldn't let all his efforts go to waste, he couldn't let Jiang Yueming suffer like this, and he couldn't stop at this step!

Jiang Yueming slowly loosened his clenched fist, his expression gradually becoming calm, even numb. Disappointment, coupled with a heavy sense of powerlessness, almost made him collapse.

"Whatever you want..." Jiang Yueming picked up the schoolbag next to her and slung it over her shoulder. "Whether you tell me or not is up to you."

"You don't need to apologize to me anymore." Jiang Yueming said, fighting back tears and sobs. "Do whatever you want, I don't care anymore."

Li Leshan stood there blankly, watching Jiang Yueming's departing figure. The figure gradually receded into the distance, blurring his vision, and hot tears slid down his cheeks.

The wounds Li Yong had left on him were now throbbing with pain. He could only press his hand heavily on the injured spot, as if the pain there would lessen the pain in his heart.

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Author's note: After Yueming gets home, she'll wretchedly try to appease herself. Sigh.