Chapter 111 You owe me "I don't want to live anymore..."

He stared intently at Li Leshan's face, the corners of his eyes and mouth, and the obvious bruises on his cheeks, his hands trembling uncontrollably.

"Li Yong...did he hit you?" Jiang Yueming's tone was no longer a question, because he didn't even need Li Leshan to admit it; he could tell just by looking at his face. Did Li Leshan even need to admit it? He wasn't blind.

Jiang Yueming's hand, which was holding Li Leshan's shoulder, slowly fell. He bent over in pain, his heart aching so much that he almost couldn't stand and wanted to kneel on the ground. He felt all the strength in his body had been drained, and a deep sense of powerlessness surged up.

"I..." Jiang Yueming was so emotional that he coughed violently. He grabbed Li Leshan's wrist for support, otherwise he wouldn't have been able to hold on.

"I," he desperately wanted to shout, to release all the emotions, the hatred, the resentment, that were pent up inside him. He was in so much pain, as if his internal organs were being twisted together, but he couldn't utter a sound. He could only tremble and say, "I hate so much... I'm in so much pain..."

"Why...why did he treat you like this?" Jiang Yueming choked up, her eyes already brimming with tears. "How could he treat you like that? I was too busy hurting myself, how could he hit you...what did he want to do!"

That bastard Li Yong, how dare he treat Li Leshan like that? His heart ached terribly, like it was being torn apart. This kind of thing happened once, twice, how many times has it happened? Why did he know nothing? Why couldn't he do anything…?

Jiang Yueming grasped Li Leshan's wrist and suddenly felt the man tremble. Li Leshan then pushed his hand away.

"No...no..."

Before he could finish the sign language, Li Leshan's hand was still suspended in mid-air when Jiang Yueming grabbed it.

With red eyes, Jiang Yueming gripped Li Leshan's wrist tightly and tremblingly pulled up the sleeve of his school uniform on his left hand.

In an instant, the air seemed to freeze, and Jiang Yueming also froze in place.

"What...is this?" Several gruesome, scabbed scratches crisscrossed the slender wrist, a glaring and horrifying sight. "It's Li Yong..."

A more shocking and unacceptable thought flashed through Jiang Yueming's mind. He looked up abruptly, choking back tears, his eyes pleading, desperate for an answer. "Lele, tell me it wasn't you..."

Li Leshan forcefully pulled his hand away, pulled down the sleeve of his school uniform to cover his wrist, and looked deeply at Jiang Yueming, his eyes filled with exhaustion and despair. Finally, he tremblingly gestured four words with his fingers, "You... don't care."

"Li Leshan...!" Jiang Yueming's voice suddenly rose. He didn't understand, he didn't understand why this was happening, he couldn't comprehend it. "Are you fucking crazy? Do you think I'm not hurting you enough... Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"I'd rather you cut yourself than let you hurt yourself..."

"Did I hurt you? Did it hurt you?" Li Leshan gestured each word carefully. He knew where the knife would hurt the most, but this was all he could do. He could only say these hurtful things. He had no other choice. "Shouldn't I tell you to stay away from me? Why did you come looking for me?"

"Does it hurt me?" Jiang Yueming held back his tears. How could he prove it? His heart felt like it was bleeding. How could he prove it to Li Leshan? Should he cut his heart out and see how fast it was beating?

"Why would I come looking for you?" Jiang Yueming retorted, poking Li Leshan's shoulder. "Why would I come looking for you? Because I fucking miss you! I'm worried about you! I'm afraid something might happen to you! I'm afraid you can't handle it alone, is that reason enough?"

He could easily just wave his hand and live carefree, doesn't he know how comfortable that kind of carefree, reckless life is? Why does he have to deliberately invite trouble upon himself, why does he have to deliberately make himself look so miserable? He doesn't have to care about everyone, he doesn't care about everyone that much, why can't Li Leshan understand this?

"But I told you to stay away from me!" Tears welled up in Li Leshan's eyes and streamed down his cheeks. "Don't you understand?! My family and I are a pit of fire, do you really want to jump into it?!"

"I'm not afraid!" Jiang Yueming shouted, his voice filled with unwavering determination. "To hell with water pits and fire pits, even if it's a bottomless abyss, I, Jiang Yueming, will jump in! Even if I fall and get smashed to pieces, I'll accept it, I don't fucking care!"

"But I'm scared!" Li Leshan's expression was twisted with pain. He admitted his cowardice and his incompetence. He admitted that he was a terrible person. Why should someone like him drag others down with him? What's the point of watching others suffer with him?

"I'll ruin you..." Everything that had happened recently flashed through Li Leshan's mind, one event after another, from Li Yong's return to his grandmother's passing. His nightmares kept recurring. He felt that fate could be truly cruel sometimes, inescapable and unavoidable, no matter how hard he tried. So Li Leshan chose to accept his fate. Wasn't accepting it enough?!

"He'll drive me crazy... and I'll drive you crazy too..."

This so-called "family bond," so strong that even broken bones cannot separate them, was etched into Li Leshan's heart and bones for life. Because he carried Li Yong's blood, he had to bear it for the rest of his life, wondering when it would end, until the day he died. It seemed that only his death would bring an end to it all.

Maybe he should have gone with his grandmother in the first place; he deserved it all.

Li Leshan slid and collapsed to his knees, utterly exhausted. His hands trembled as he covered his face, tears streaming down his face, his palms becoming wet and hot. He murmured incoherently, "I don't want to live anymore..."

Endurance and perseverance are truly painful things. Li Leshan kept telling himself to hold on for one more day, just a little longer... but what did he get in return? His grandmother was gone; his only relative in the world had abandoned him. Was there any point in him clinging to life? He couldn't see an end to this kind of life; there was only endless suffering and endless tears.

But he couldn't bear to part with Jiang Yueming; he really couldn't bear it. But when he heard Jiang Yueming's pain from her own lips, he finally realized he couldn't keep clinging to her. He would let Jiang Yueming go, stop bothering her, and this time, he would let himself go too.

Jiang Yueming's pupils suddenly contracted, and he knelt down abruptly. He felt a sharp pain in his knees, but he didn't care. He crawled over almost on his hands and feet and pressed down on Li Leshan's trembling shoulders.

"What...what are you saying?" Jiang Yueming was incredulous, unable to believe what he was seeing, his voice trembling uncontrollably. He desperately wanted to think he was seeing things, that he was mistaken.

"I don't want to live anymore," Li Leshan said, tears streaming down his face. His usually calm eyes were now empty. He pounded his heart, his expression numb. Jiang Yueming had never seen him like this before. How could Li Leshan, who had always been so composed and calm, have become like this? "I can't sleep every night. No matter how much medicine I take, it's no use. I'm in so much pain..."

The physical pain from Li Yong's blows wasn't so bad; he could bear it. The greater pain was in his heart, the daily torment, and the endless, unseen future. Just when he finally woke up, new troubles awaited him. Thinking of that uncertain future, Li Leshan felt like his life was a joke; he didn't know what the point of living was.

...

Jiang Yueming felt a metallic taste in his throat. Only then did he realize that, because the pain of suppressing it was too intense, he had bitten his lower lip until it bled.

His mind went blank; all thoughts ceased. This feeling—fear, heartache, pain, despair… he never wanted to experience it again in his life. He couldn't speak, he couldn't cry; only a dry, aching pain remained.

Only sobs, pressing down in his throat, almost suffocated him.

"Li Leshan!" Jiang Yueming snapped back to reality. He gripped Li Leshan's shoulder tightly and shouted with all his might, "I'm telling you the hell! You're not allowed to think about dying, and you're not allowed to die! You haven't paid me back yet!"

Each word, filled with grief and stubbornness, struck the ground and also struck heavily into Li Leshan's heart.

“You have to live a good life,” Jiang Yueming pressed down tightly, “pay me back what you owe me, five years, ten years, only when I say it’s enough, will it be paid off!”

Why, why, why is life so bitter, dragging them down with it? Jiang Yueming's scalding tears fell onto Li Leshan's hand, which he gripped tighter and tighter, as if afraid the man would disappear at any moment. Li Leshan was clearly right in front of him, but Jiang Yueming felt he couldn't hold on; he felt that with a gust of wind, he would scatter.

They've stumbled and struggled their way to where they are today, it's been such a difficult journey...

What should he do? Jiang Yueming wept, feeling that the road ahead was dark and the future was uncertain. What should he do? How could he help Li Leshan? What else could he do? How could he help him? What could he do...? He really didn't know.

"Lele," Jiang Yueming choked up, his voice now a little hoarse from shouting earlier.

He wiped away the tears on Li Leshan's face, but no matter how he wiped, he couldn't wipe them away. He could only stroke the corners of Li Leshan's reddened eyes again and again. "I promise you, I will stay far away from you. I know you are in a lot of pain, I know you are enduring a lot of suffering... but please don't die, okay? I can't watch you die."

He buried his face in Li Leshan's shoulder, his voice muffled, "You're afraid of dying. If you die, how am I supposed to live..."

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The author's note: I was reminded of a sentence I wrote in my high school diary, but because it's so long ago, I can only vaguely remember the general meaning:

You ask me what constitutes growth, what experiences are necessary for growth, and what price must be paid for growth? If there must be a price to pay, isn't that price too high, so high that some people can only face it with death?

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Does anyone remember that I initially planned this book as a sweet romance...? Next time I definitely need to write something sweet to calm my nerves (inhales)

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And will you all support me no matter what I write in the next chapter?