Chapter 162 I'm sorry "You graduated from such a good school, you..."

An unusual silence hung in the air, making it hard to breathe.

The two sat on the sofa, one at one end and the other at the other, silent, neither speaking first. They looked at the sky, at the ground, at everything but at each other's faces. They'd never noticed the ceiling's beauty before, but now, for some reason, they kept staring at it.

Lin Cuiqin was busy cooking in the kitchen. She insisted on taking Li Leshan home for a meal, saying she was so happy to finally run into him. She was genuinely happy; she hadn't expected to see Li Leshan again, especially since they hadn't seen each other for so long.

"Leshan," Lin Cuiqin said, bringing over a plate of fruit. She smiled, a few wrinkles appearing at the corners of her eyes. "How have you been these past few years? Your aunt hasn't come back to see you. Ah, I've been so busy in the south..."

Li Leshan quickly waved his hand, somewhat embarrassed, indicating that she shouldn't say that, "I'm doing very well."

"Then you and Yueming should have a good chat. It's been quite a while since you two have seen each other, hasn't it? Catch up, and remember to eat the fruit." Lin Cuiqin turned back to the kitchen to continue her work. She didn't notice the faint strange feeling in the air; she was already overwhelmed by the joy of their reunion.

The sounds of stir-frying and deep-frying in the kitchen, and the sounds of collecting old cell phones and other old items coming from not far away at the alley entrance, perfectly masked the silence in the living room.

We're just catching up, but I don't know where to begin.

“You graduated from such a good school, why don’t you go back to Shengping?” After a long while, Jiang Yueming finally spoke, slowly raising her head that had been lowered.

"Are you serious?"

Under Jiang Yueming's gaze, Li Leshan slowly nodded.

Unexpectedly, a sneer came from the other end. Unlike the silence he had expected, Jiang Yueming curled his lips and said, "Are you stupid?"

"Then what were you hoping to achieve by risking your life to go to Beijing back then?" Jiang Yueming wondered. He didn't understand Li Leshan's thinking, nor why he wanted to return to Shengping. Was it because of his earlier words, "Shengping, I won't go back"? But why did he say he had been searching for him all along?

I really don't understand, I really don't understand.

"Where have you been all these years?" This was the question Li Leshan most wanted to ask, though there were other questions as well. These days, finding someone without contact information is like searching for a needle in a haystack. You can only try your luck here and there. He could only go back to Shengping; he didn't know where else he could go.

Jiang Yueming was silent for a while, opened her mouth but said nothing, and finally asked persistently, "Then why did you come back? Isn't Beijing... good enough?"

Li Leshan looked up at him, then lowered his eyes again. "China is so big, I don't know where to find you."

"Looking for me...?" Jiang Yueming took a deep breath, his voice a little hoarse, "Don't do this, don't do it because of me."

Hearing his tone, so eager to distance himself from him, Li Leshan lowered his head even further. "I'm sorry. I was just worried something might have happened to you because I couldn't reach you."

He had no other intentions; he respected Jiang Yueming's choice and wouldn't pester her. But he just wanted to know how Jiang Yueming was doing, because he had so many questions in his mind. These questions hadn't become blurred with time; instead, they had become clearer. For example, right now, he really wanted to ask the person in front of him many things, hoping he would tell him everything without reservation.

“I’m doing just fine now,” Jiang Yueming said with a smile. “Besides, there’s no need to keep in touch, is there? It’s not like we can’t live without each other.”

Li Leshan was taken aback, then nodded belatedly. Finally, he stopped asking questions. Jiang Yueming was right; seeing him alright now, all those doubts that had swirled in his mind seemed pointless. What was there to worry about? What was there to ask? There was no need.

Lin Cuiqin's culinary skills have clearly improved a lot in recent years as she's gotten older, even though they were already quite good many years ago. She prepared a table full of dishes, including several southern dishes, especially for Li Leshan to try.

"Leshan, try your aunt's cooking. How's it? Do you like it?" Lin Cuiqin looked at him with a smile.

Li Leshan nodded hurriedly. Actually, there was no such thing as being used to something or not. He wasn't picky about food at all; he would eat whatever was available and whatever was cooked. But it had indeed been a long time since he had eaten his aunt's cooking, and the steam from the food stung his eyes, making them a little red.

"I'm relieved to see you're doing well." Lin Cuiqin served him food and then served Jiang Yueming food. As she served him food, she said, "Staying in Shengping is quite good. Although it's not as good as a big city, it's still home here, don't you think?"

The bowls in front of Li Leshan were piled up like a small mountain. He glanced at Jiang Yueming, who hadn't looked up the whole time, and then silently looked away.

Lin Cuiqin clearly sensed that something was off. She couldn't fathom a deeper connection; she simply assumed that their years apart had created a slight awkwardness, despite their once inseparable bond. But she understood. People have to grow up. As adults, life involves more than just friendship; many other things come into play.

"Yueming and I are staying in Shengping for a few days this time. It's not easy to see you, and I don't know when we'll see you again," Lin Cuiqin said with a smile. "Come visit us whenever you're free in Leshan. I just don't know if you're busy with work..."

Li Leshan quickly shook his head, indicating that he wasn't busy with work. Of course, given his current status, he couldn't just drop by whenever he wanted like before; it wouldn't be appropriate. But as long as he and Jiang Yueming were both in Shengping, there would be opportunities to meet, which was much better than searching for a needle in a haystack across China.

After finishing the meal, Li Leshan prepared to leave, but Jiang Yueming glanced at him and remained seated.

"Auntie, I'm leaving now, thank you." Li Leshan stood up and pointed to the door.

Seeing this, Lin Cuiqin nodded quickly. She quietly tugged at Jiang Yueming's arm and said, "Yueming, see them off. Remember to come visit us often, Leshan."

She had barely finished speaking when she remembered something and suddenly felt a little embarrassed. "Oh, look, I forgot. You've all grown up. I still think of you as little kids. You don't care about playing anymore..."

Li Leshan smiled at her, then turned and left.

Jiang Yueming followed him out, and the door closed gently. Now, only the two of them remained in the hallway, eerily quiet. As the saying goes, time marches on at breakneck speed, and countless years have passed in the blink of an eye. The young people of the Third Alley are all rushing out into the world, and this dilapidated tenement building is now almost deserted.

"Did you put up the Spring Festival couplets on the door?" Jiang Yueming looked at the couplets, unable to believe that anyone would do such a thing. He hadn't been back to Shengping for so many years that he had actually forgotten exactly what was pasted up back then. After returning, he always felt that something was different.

"Do you put up these couplets every year?" Jiang Yueming asked, touching the characters on the couplets.

Li Leshan shook his head. He didn't return to Shengping the year before last.

Then, silence again, a long silence.

It was dark outside, and the hallway was dimly lit. A dim light was on, casting a faint yellow glow.

Jiang Yueming leaned against the wall, not caring whether the plaster would get on her back. Li Leshan stood quietly to the side, and neither of them spoke first.

"How have you been all these years?" After a long pause, Li Leshan moved his fingers. He stopped asking, stopped asking where Jiang Yueming had gone. Perhaps he didn't want to say, but as long as he knew that Jiang Yueming was doing well, that was enough.

Jiang Yueming's Adam's apple bobbed. "...It's fine."

Li Leshan nodded, "If it's good, then it's good."

“There are far fewer people in the Third Alley now,” Jiang Yueming stared at a small window at the top of the stairs, looking out at the sky. “They’re all running outside. What are you thinking?”

This was the third time he'd asked, and Li Leshan was starting to feel something was amiss. Jiang Yueming seemed very insistent on his reason for returning to Shengping, and Li Leshan racked his brains, unable to figure out what made him so persistent. And why couldn't he come back?

“You shouldn’t have gone back to Shengping.” After a long pause, Li Leshan and Jiang Yueming said at the same time.

As Jiang Yueming finished speaking and Li Leshan lowered his hand, the words were simultaneously delivered to both of them.

Both of them were stunned for a moment, and neither said anything else. After thinking for a long time, they only thought to themselves, "I shouldn't have gone back to Shengping."

Jiang Yueming felt he shouldn't have come back. He chose to leave because he didn't know how to face it. He chose to escape for a while, so he should escape for a lifetime. Even if forgetting is painful, he has to forget it no matter how painful it is.

Li Leshan felt he shouldn't have come back. He shouldn't have kept searching for Jiang Yueming's traces, because all he could bring Jiang Yueming was pain. He should stay far away from everything related to him, so that when fate reflected pain onto him, it wouldn't affect Jiang Yueming anymore.

Jiang Yueming felt that Li Leshan shouldn't come back. He had gone through so much hardship and suffering to get to Beijing; he shouldn't return to the place that had caused him so much pain and torment. If he went back, wouldn't all his hard work have been for nothing?

Li Leshan felt that Jiang Yueming shouldn't have come back, and he shouldn't have met him again. This kind of reunion shouldn't happen to them, at least not here. If he met him again, would he think of the suffering and exhaustion of that time, would he recall those difficult days?

“Li Yong is dead,” Li Leshan told him, moving his fingers. Perhaps that's why Jiang Yueming felt he shouldn't have returned? Did he still see Sheng Ping as a threat?

Even if he weren't dead, Li Leshan wouldn't need to fear him anymore, especially since he's already dead. Therefore, Jiang Yueming doesn't need to worry about how he'll live in Shengping, or whether he'll... because Li Yong is dead.

Jiang Yueming was taken aback. His gaze shifted from outside the window to Li Leshan's face. Looking at his calm face, he saw a hint of surprise in his expression.

"He...is dead?" Jiang Yueming's voice trembled slightly.

“I’m sorry,” Li Leshan took a step forward. “Without me, many things wouldn’t have happened.”

Thinking about it carefully, without him, there wouldn't have been that incident with Li Yong; without him, Jiang Yueming wouldn't have had to work to "pay off his debts"; without him, he wouldn't have refused to return to Shengping, wouldn't have missed seeing Xiaobai one last time, and wouldn't have ended up like this with Han Jiang; without him, things wouldn't be like this today.

He has wronged far too many people. He has wronged far too many things.

"I'm so sorry... I'm really sorry." Li Leshan bowed deeply to him.

If only Jiang Yueming hadn't noticed him in that narrow alley back then; if only he had hardened his heart and not agreed to walk with him; if only he hadn't said "I'll miss you" and "Thank you for growing up with me" on the Lijiang Bridge back then... In the end, if only Jiang Yueming hadn't bothered with him back then.

After an unknown amount of time, Li Leshan finally raised his head, his eyes red-rimmed. "Xiaobai... is buried under the locust tree. Go see it when you have time. And Han Jiang, actually he doesn't blame you. He blames me for making you all like this."

He turned around and slowly walked down the stairs.

Jiang Yueming was breathing heavily. He stood there for a while until he could no longer hear footsteps, then collapsed to the ground as if all his strength had left him.

He covered his face, and faint sobs escaped from his throat. Gradually, the crying grew louder, becoming particularly clear in the empty stairwell, because he himself couldn't understand why things had turned out this way.

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Author's Note: My darlings, the next two chapters will tell you exactly what happened back then [laughs]