Chapter 82 Tonight we meet again, let the silver lamp shine, for I fear our meeting is but a dream…

Where is this?

Qingduo has been asking herself these past two days.

She got lost.

She got lost in the mountains.

That day, when she was feeling uneasy, Lu Nong and Zhu Yi came to comfort and accompany her, and she gradually calmed down. The two of them wanted to distract Qing Duo, so they suggested going to Xishan for a stroll to relax.

Qingduo followed them listlessly to West Mountain. She sat on a small stool, watching blankly as they unloaded ingredients and utensils from the carriage.

She saw Lu Nong pick up the small wooden table, and Zhu Yi quickly stepped forward to take it from her, a tenderness flowing between their brows. This scene was like a thorn, piercing Qing Duo's heart. Compared to their deep affection, she felt like a lone goose separated from its flock, left behind to cry out in sorrow.

She turned to look at the dense forest and green rocks. Behind her, the mountains slumbered in the mist. The leaves were a dark, almost black, green and a yellowish, almost yellow. The sun had been absent for days, and everything was tinged with a grayish-blue hue. A damp chill seeped into Qingduo's skin, but it stopped there.

A sudden warmth enveloped her, and Qingduo turned around in surprise to meet Lu Nong's smiling face. She wrapped Qingduo in her cloak and bent down to tie the knot for her.

In Lu Nong's gentle gaze, Qing Duo saw her own blank expression. She wanted to sigh again. She had just opened her mouth to take a breath when Lu Nong pinched her cheeks, preventing her from closing them.

Lu Nong pinched her cheek, her voice tinged with reproach: "You're just a little girl, yet you're always sighing! I won't allow you to sigh, do you hear me?"

"It hurts—" Qingduo grimaced, pressing her hands against Lu Nong's.

Lu Nong then added more force: "Will you agree or not?"

"Okay, okay, okay!" When it comes to stubbornness, Qingduo can't win against Sister Lu Nong, so she quickly and wisely "begged for mercy."

Lu Nong smiled, rubbed Qing Duo's face, and got up to continue tidying up.

Qingduo perked up and, seeing that Zhu Yi wanted to start a fire, volunteered to gather firewood. The nearby branches were thin and short, and there were only two or three suitable ones, so she searched further away.

After walking for an unknown distance, Qingduo heard the sound of flowing water. Curious, she instinctively followed the sound and found it was a mountain stream.

She stared at the flowing water for a long time. The stream was crystal clear and flowed ceaselessly, its gentle flow carrying away a layer of sorrow from her heart. She glanced at the branch in her arms and remembered her mission. Just as she was about to turn around to look for it, she saw a small, colorful bird swoop down.

A little bird skimmed across the water, snatched a small fish, and fluttered away. Its green feathers, as vibrant as those in the painting "A Thousand Miles of Rivers and Mountains," left a deep impression on Qingduo's heart, and she couldn't help but chase after it.

At first, the bird could be seen, but then it disappeared into the dense forest. Qingduo looked up and around, seeing only the cold white sky and towering trees, and then realized how ridiculous she had been.

How can a human catch up with a free bird?

She shook her head, deciding to go back and collect the branches to complete the task. But she stopped as soon as she took a step.

Where did she come from?

Realizing she had lost her way, Qingduo broke out in a cold sweat.

She stared intently around, trying to find traces in her memory, only to realize that when she came, she was so focused on looking up and chasing birds that she hadn't paid attention to the scenery along the way.

Oh no, what should we do?

Qingduo was in a state of turmoil, and she knew that standing there wasn't a solution. She chose a direction based on her gut feeling and forced herself to walk forward.

As soon as she took a step, the wind rose in the forest, and the branches shook wildly, as if a giant monster lurking in the darkness had opened its blood-red maw and was about to rush out and swallow her whole.

The branches she was holding scattered all over the ground. Qingduo covered her ears, turned around and ran away. No matter what, she had to get out of this forest first!

In her panic, she suddenly remembered that there was water nearby, and water flows downhill. If she just followed the direction of the stream, she would definitely be able to reach the bottom of the mountain!

With a solution in mind, her courage soared. As she ran, Qingduo kept encouraging herself: "It's okay, it's okay, I'm very lucky, nothing will happen!"

"I will find my way! I will definitely get home!"

*

The rain falls on the western mountain, like tears of regret.

As soon as Zeng Zhengqing arrived home, he learned of Qingduo's disappearance on the mountain and immediately sent someone to report it to the authorities. They split into several teams to search for her. Zhu Yi and his brother-in-law He Jin led one team, while he and Zhengji led the family servants to search along the mountain path. Lu Nong and a few others stayed behind, fearing that Qingduo might return and not find her.

After returning, Zeng Zhengqing did not rest for a moment before heading straight up the mountain. In his heart and mouth, he kept calling Qingduo's name, his urgent calls only echoing in the valley.

The rain intensified, making the mountain path slippery. The group, exhausted from their morning search, found a place to rest. Zeng Zhengji was about to drink some water when he saw his elder brother's haggard face, so he handed him the water bottle, but Zeng Zhengqing shook his head.

"Brother, have a drink!" Zhengji urged. "You haven't eaten a single grain of rice or drunk much water since yesterday. You have to take care of yourself! You can't collapse before you even find your wife."

Zeng Zhengqing remained silent. He would not collapse. He would never fall before he found Qingduo.

Two days and two nights have passed since Qingduo lost contact. The past few days have been rainy and the temperature has plummeted, fueling Zeng Zhengqing's growing anxiety. His only thought is to find her as soon as possible.

Suddenly, he thought of something, his eyes lit up, and he said, "Zhengji, it's so cold up in the mountains, your sister-in-law might have found a cave to hide in, which is why we haven't seen her!"

"Why don't we go back and look again!" Zeng Zhengqing said, getting up to stand up.

"Brother!" Zeng Zhengji grabbed him and said urgently, "We're calling out as we search. Even if your sister-in-law can't see us, she'll hear us calling."

"Also, everyone set off at dawn and searched until very late yesterday. They've just rested and really need to rest a bit more. What's more, you've been running back and forth, and without resting after returning, you went back up the mountain to look for people. How can your body handle that?"

“I’m fine, you all rest first, I’ll go back and take a look myself.” Zeng Zhengqing’s attitude was firm.

Zhengji knew that his elder brother had lost his composure, so he could only try to persuade him: "The rain is incessant, which already obstructs visibility. If you go to search alone, not only will you be weak, but if you also get lost, how will you ever reunite with your sister-in-law?"

These words struck a nerve with Zeng Zhengqing, who stared blankly at his younger brother without saying a word. Zhengji took the opportunity to help him sit down and brought the water bottle to his lips. Zeng Zhengqing remained silent for a moment before taking a sip.

Just then, a servant led another person over. Zeng Zhengqing caught a glimpse of the black robe he was wearing and recognized him as one of Zhu Yi and He Jin's men. He immediately stood up and asked urgently, "Have you found him?"

The man nodded: "Found it, but..." He looked at Zeng Zhengqing, his face showing difficulty, "Boss Zeng, you need to be prepared."

Zeng Zhengqing felt a "buzz" in his brain, and his mind went completely blank. For a moment, he could only see the lips on the other side moving up and down, but he couldn't hear anything.

Before the cliff.

Zhu Yi and He Jin heard the noise and turned around to see Zeng Zhengji helping Zeng Zhengqing walk over. Both of them had solemn expressions.

Zeng Zhengqing's gaze swept from Zhu Yi to He Jin, and he asked in a hoarse voice, "Where is she?"

Zhu Yi's face was full of regret, guilt, pain, and self-blame. When his gaze came over, he lowered his head and dared not meet his eyes.

He Jin glanced at Zhu Yi and saw that he was hanging his head, his hands clenched into fists and silent. He then said, "Boss Zeng, we found a cloak on a tree branch by the cliff. Hu Zi said it belongs to your wife."

Zeng Zhengqing looked in the direction he was pointing, and his pupils suddenly contracted.

That familiar cloak clung tightly to a crooked branch on the cliff edge. A fierce wind swept through, making it look like a white funeral banner, announcing its owner's misfortune.

Seeing his pale face, He Jin quickly added, "Of course, things may not be as we think. I have already sent people to search the bottom of the cliff. We can make a decision then."

Zeng Zhengqing, however, seemed not to hear. He stared intently at the fluttering cloak, as if if he didn't look closely, the cloak would transform into vibrant green blossoms, laughing and running towards him, calling to him:

"Qingqing!"

A warm smile appeared on Zeng Zhengqing's face. He took a few steps forward and reached out his hand to greet her, as he always did.

"Big Brother!" "Young Master!" "Boss Zeng!"

Amidst gasps of surprise, countless hands blocked his way. Zeng Zhengqing was jolted awake from his reverie. He looked around and met the gazes of the crowd, their eyes filled with unbearable sorrow.

His gaze returned to the cloak fluttering in the wind.

"Won't."

His voice was weak, yet surprisingly calm.

"No, she must still be alive."

"I'm going to find her."

Zeng Zhengqing forcefully pushed away the hand that was supporting him, turned around and walked back. His gaze swept over the crowd and stared into the distance. He moved forward step by step, but after a few steps, his body swayed slightly and he fell backward to the ground.

*

Qingduo wandered aimlessly through the mountains for a long time before finally finding a stream, but then the rain came to cause trouble. At first, she could cover her face with her hands, but later, as the rain poured down on her, she had no choice but to pull up her cloak to cover herself.

She continued her arduous journey, only to unexpectedly reach a precipice. Fortunately, as darkness fell, she remained cautious and reacted quickly, retreating unharmed. Nevertheless, she was drenched in a cold sweat from the fright.

Just when she felt safe, her foot suddenly slipped, and she fell heavily to the ground. Her cloak flipped over and covered her face, and everything went black in an instant.

Qingduo's heart pounded wildly. She dared not move, fearing that she might fall off the cliff if she wasn't careful. Her immediate priority was to lift the cloak covering her face, but no matter how hard she tried, the cloak wouldn't budge. The rain had already soaked the cloak, making it heavy and suffocating her.

This served as a reminder to her. Qingduo reached out and untied the knot around her neck, then ripped off the cloak, completely freeing herself from the constraints.

Ignoring the mud clinging to her body, she crawled backward on all fours until she reached a relatively safe distance, only then letting out a sigh of relief. All her strength vanished in an instant, and she collapsed to the ground.

At this moment, she was drenched in cold rain and covered in mud. The rain was like mud from the sky, and the mud was like sludge from the ground. She could no longer distinguish between clean and dirty.

So what can we do?

There's nothing we can do about it.

A sense of pleasure welled up in Qingduo's heart. She slowly got up, her elbows and knees burning with pain. This pain, like breathing, reminded her of her existence, which also invigorated her spirits.

Perhaps fate was on her side; eventually, she found a rock hollow where she could take shelter and rest.

Soaked to the bone, and chilly in the mountains at night, Qingduo sneezed several times in a row, curling up like a juicy bun.

The thought of steamed buns brought to mind the ones she had eaten that day—thin-skinned and generously filled—and her stomach began to rumble.

"I can't think about it anymore!" Qingduo closed her eyes. "Go to sleep, get enough sleep so you'll have energy tomorrow!"

This was the first time she dared not even think about delicious food.

Fortunately, she was so tired that she fell into a deep sleep soon after. A cool breeze blew by, and she couldn't help but shiver. It was a very light sleep.

In a hazy dream, she returned to the forest where she had fled for so long. The forest was so dense that it seemed to be moving and surrounding her. Qingduo was terrified and turned to run away.

The wind whistled past her ears, and she heard a whooshing sound behind her. She ran and looked back; the trees were indeed moving, as if they were riding on wheels of fire, chasing after her at lightning speed.

She wanted to run, but her stomach was empty, and she had no strength to run. Just as she was about to fall into despair again, suddenly a wide-open space appeared ahead, and a blurry figure stood in the distance.

Although many years had passed, Qingduo recognized him immediately. She couldn't believe her eyes, but suddenly she felt a surge of strength. She gritted her teeth, took big strides, and ran wildly toward the person.

Her heart was pounding; she couldn't tell if it was from running or from the joy of being reunited.

The person smiled, squatted down slightly, opened their arms, and welcomed Qingduo who was running towards them, just as she had welcomed them home from playing.

"Mother!" Qingduo hugged her tightly, tears streaming down her face. "Mother!"

The mother didn't speak; she simply patted Qingduo's back gently, just as she had tenderly comforted her when she was a child and had been wronged. Qingduo greedily inhaled the familiar scent; it had a comforting power.

She won't let go, or her mother will disappear!

"Oh no!" The whooshing sound came from her ear again. Immersed in the warmth, she almost forgot that she was still being chased and hurriedly grabbed her mother to run away.

Mother remained motionless, as heavy as the stone lion in front of the door. Qingduo pushed off the ground with both feet and pulled back with all her might, but no matter how hard she tried, her mother wouldn't budge.

That damned tree spirit is about to catch up!

They surged up from all directions. Qingduo steeled her heart, threw herself onto her mother's back, and hugged her tightly.

Even if they hurt others, they have to get past their own conscience first!

"Bang!"

In an instant, a dazzling light shone forth, so bright that the tattooed girl couldn't open her eyes. The surroundings trembled violently. She didn't know what was happening, but she hugged her mother even tighter.

The sound of the chasing wind faded, and everything returned to calm. Qingduo slowly opened her eyes a crack and found that the surroundings were clean, with only herself and the baby in her arms...

Who is this?

The light gradually softened, and Qingduo looked at the person in her arms in surprise. She was dressed in a plain white robe, her clothes fluttering, and a golden auspicious light emanated from her back. That auspicious light dispelled fear and apprehension, and released her from restraint and confinement.

It is a Bodhisattva!

The sunlight broke through the gloom, and the seeds of courage sprouted and grew again. Warmth rippled through Qingduo's heart from the inside out, but a sense of melancholy filled her, making her feel bloated.

Qingduo realized something, and she clung tightly to the Bodhisattva, refusing to let go no matter what. It was so warm here, so why did she feel so lost?

Why do tears keep flowing?

Qingduo didn't understand.

She really didn't want to understand.

...

As Qingduo slowly awoke from her dream, tears still welled in her eyes. But now was not the time to wallow in sorrow. She was shivering with cold, and if she couldn't find her way back, she feared she would truly perish here.

She brought her hands to her mouth, breathed out hot air, and rubbed them together to warm them. Occasionally, she would glance up and catch a glimpse of smoke, which she assumed was just her own breath. Her gaze would then return to her hands, but she would gradually stop moving them.

wrong.

She looked up sharply and saw clearly that it was black smoke from a fire!

Her heart raced uncontrollably, and Qingduo felt as if she were already beside a fire, her hands and feet feeling the warmth of the flames.

She scrambled to her feet, staggered, and ran toward the wisp of smoke.

*

A light drizzle enveloped Jingzhao Temple in the mountains in a misty haze, with raindrops dripping from the eaves, weaving a crystal-clear curtain of water.

Qingduo, with her hair loose and dressed in a black robe, walked through the corridor and stopped at the entrance of the Guanyin Hall.

The wisp of smoke she had seen on the mountain earlier was from a nun at Jingzhao Nunnery lighting a fire for warmth. After Qingduo explained her ordeal, she was taken back to the nunnery. After days of fear and anxiety, and with food and clothing, Qingduo finally felt much better.

Whether it was the excitement of being rescued or the unresolved worries in her heart, Qingduo tossed and turned in bed, unable to sleep, so she quietly got up and went to the Guanyin Hall.

Incense smoke wafted from inside the hall, reaching towards Qingduo at the entrance. She hesitated for a moment before finally stepping inside.

In the center of the hall stands a gilded statue of Guanyin. On a lotus throne, the Bodhisattva holds a vase in one hand and a willow branch in the other, her eyes lowered as if filled with endless compassion.

Qingduo stopped and looked up. Their eyes met, and she felt her spirits lifted. She felt so small that she couldn't help but kneel down on the prayer mat.

The memory of her dream still lingered, and Qingduo's eyes welled up with tears. She blurted out:

"mother!"

“I did something wrong… I always do something wrong…” She lowered her head and clenched her clothes tightly with both hands.

“When I was little, I always got into trouble. You and Dad must have been very helpless... Qingqing used to say that I never thought about the consequences of my actions. Now that I've ended up like this, it's all my retribution!”

“I shouldn’t have drawn erotic pictures. I knew it was wrong all along, but they called me shameless and called me despicable and vile…” Qingduo repeated those harsh words slowly and deliberately, her whole body trembling, and tears streaming down her face.

"That's not how I am!"

“I just like to draw,” Qingduo choked up. “I’m not like what they say! How can I let them know?”

"And Qingqing... will he leave me because I ruined the Zeng family's reputation?"

She was filled with remorse: "It's all my fault! If I hadn't drawn erotic pictures, none of this would have happened! I knew it was wrong, but I still took a chance."

"I'm still stubbornly clinging to my delusions! I don't dare put my own name on my paintings now; I can only paint under a false identity. I don't dare let anyone know that 'Xiao He Fan' is me. I know that one day I will be exposed, and I know that this will attract controversy!"

"Oh my god! I was so bold!"

"I know how serious this is," Qingduo pleaded, clasping her hands together. "I won't draw anymore, I'll never draw again! If I don't do it, I won't make mistakes, and I won't be sad..."

She sobbed uncontrollably, slowly bent over, and slammed her forehead heavily against the ground.

"I know I was wrong, Bodhisattva. Please, please stop punishing me..."

The sound of chanting during evening prayers rose gently, echoing in the rain.

"Shariputra, form is not different from emptiness, emptiness is not different from form; form is emptiness, emptiness is form. Sensation, perception, volition, and consciousness are also like this..."

Qingduo tensed up, her fingertips gripping the ground.

"Shariputra, all dharmas are empty in nature; they are neither produced nor destroyed, neither defiled nor pure, neither increasing nor decreasing..."

The chaos and anxiety, the self-doubt, were gradually soothed, like a gentle breeze blowing away dust and dispelling the gloom in her heart. Qingduo slightly raised her head and listened intently.

"With no hindrance in the mind, and no obstruction, there is no fear..."

The chanting continued uninterrupted. Qingduo slowly straightened up, seemingly lost in thought.

The Buddha said, "Form is not different from emptiness, and emptiness is not different from form."

The Buddha said, "Form is emptiness, emptiness is form."

If her drawing erotic pictures is considered "lust," then the act itself is "emptiness," and there is no right or wrong in it. Why would others criticize her?

They accuse her of "not being a virtuous woman" and say she is "shameless." If "virtue as a woman" and "shame" are both empty concepts, then who defined "virtue as a woman"? Who defined "shame"?

And who defined Tang Qingduo?

Qingduo felt as if she had glimpsed a great secret of the world, and her whole body trembled with fear.

She always felt that the Zeng family was old-fashioned and conservative, but wasn't she the same way? She lived under the constraints of etiquette and the opinions of others!

Those positive and negative comments were not heartfelt cries; she allowed external voices to become her own.

Qingduo reminisced about the past. She recalled the excitement of painting the "Gentleman's Twelve Months" and "Solar Terms" paintings. While the lure of money certainly played a part, she genuinely enjoyed the process.

The world calls this a disgrace, but measured by the standards of the "Duojie" world, it is simply what her heart desires!

A light gradually ignited in Qingduo's eyes. What's wrong with doing what you love?

Since there is no mistake, there is no need to back down.

The drizzling rain refreshes the world, and the sandalwood and fresh scents intertwine, bringing a sense of peace.

Qingduo straightened her back, took a deep breath, and spoke clearly and firmly:

"Bodhisattva, I want to continue drawing."

She knew she was reckless and acted without considering the consequences, but she was also incredibly clear-headed. Even experienced helmsmen couldn't completely handle every storm at sea, yet they never stopped sailing.

She was the same.

No one can predict the ending from the beginning; the only thing we can do is seize the moment.

Nothing lasts forever. Perhaps if she continues to paint, she can change people's views; even if she can't, she will hold onto this freedom.

"I want to create my own works of art; it is my right."

The sound was faint, almost inaudible amidst the rain. Yet it was also so loud, deafening in my heart.

Qingduo gazed at the Bodhisattva, her clasped hands no longer pleading for mercy, but rather radiating a steadfast conviction that illuminated clarity.

Suddenly, a series of hurried and chaotic footsteps came from outside the hall. Before Qingduo could turn around, a familiar voice called out from behind:

"Ah Zhao!"

Qingduo tensed up. She slowly turned around and looked outside. Her husband, Zeng Zhengqing, stood outside the hall. He was soaked to the bone, his clothes clinging to his body, making him look extremely disheveled. A few strands of wet hair clung to his face, unable to hide the ecstatic joy on his face.

Qingduo exclaimed in disbelief, "Qingqing..."

Before she could finish speaking, Zeng Zhengqing had already rushed over, knelt down, and embraced her tightly. He held her so tightly, as if he wanted to melt Qingduo into his own body.

His face was pressed against Qingduo's chest, and Zeng Zhengqing repeatedly confirmed her presence: "Azhao, Azhao!"

A warm, wet sensation washed over her chest. Qingduo reached out and hugged him back, gently resting her head against him, tears welling in her eyes as she smiled.

Wow, you really came back early!

"Qingqing, you really keep your word!"

-----------------------

Author's note: Update tomorrow morning.