Pain and Memories

“We are born crying, live in pain, and die in despair.” —Fuller.

That autumn when she was 15, Xu Yanchi fell in love with Xiao Fuzhou. Now, in the autumn of her 18th year, she lay on a cold hospital bed, being rushed to the operating room. Her face was deathly pale, her lips were bloodless, and her bald head made her look even thinner and weaker, like a microcosm of this endless life.

The night before she was wheeled into the emergency room, Xu Yanchi gently hugged her mother on the hospital bed. With a touch of girlish tenderness, she whispered in her mother's ear, "Mom, I'm not getting treatment anymore. I'm all better now. I can even run. I want to... go out for a walk, is that okay? I also want to get a hair transplant." Her eyes blinked, like twinkling stars, swaying in the air and shimmering in the early morning sunlight.

Song Shi chuckled at her expression, affectionately patted Xu Yanchi's nose, and said softly, "Okay, okay, Mom will take you out this afternoon. Take a walk around, and get some sunshine outside; it's very good." Song Shi paused, then continued, "Get ready. If there are no problems with your health, you can be discharged from the hospital in a few days." As she said this, the corners of Song Shi's mouth couldn't help but curve, and her eyes held a flirtatious smile.

Xu Yanchi was so happy she wanted to jump for joy, but after taking only a few steps, her body began to tremble. Seeing this, Song Shi quickly draped a thick jacket over her, his tone slightly reproachful. However, Xu Yanchi paid no attention to anything else. She coughed a few times: "Xiao Fuzhou, I can finally see you again." Xu Yanchi kept thinking to herself, she said she didn't want to be sick, but she couldn't resist the illness. Only by undergoing full treatment could she see Xiao Fuzhou again. Even if they never crossed paths again, this youthful unrequited love was an unimaginable luxury for her.

Just moments before, Xu Yanchi had been chatting and laughing with Song Shi, a smile even playing on her lips. But the next second, she coughed violently, her body trembling uncontrollably. A nausea gripped her like a venomous snake, making it hard to breathe. Song Shi panicked. She didn't know what to do either, so she quickly rang the doorbell to call a nurse while simultaneously heading towards Xu Yanchi. But before the nurse arrived, Xu Yanchi suddenly vomited a large amount of black blood, which instantly flowed from her chin, clothes, and pants onto the floor. Song Shi nearly fainted from shock; she had never witnessed anything like this before. She frantically rang the doorbell. Xu Yanchi panicked too, feeling dizzy and unsteady on her feet. Her consciousness blurred, and her head slumped to the ground with a loud thud. At this moment, the nurse finally half-ran into the ward. However, upon entering and seeing the scene, she seemed somewhat at a loss, taking a few steps back before loudly shouting towards the door, "Help! Patient number 306 is experiencing black stools and vomiting; she needs immediate medical attention!" Shortly after she finished speaking, several nurses rushed over, lifted Xu Yanchi onto a stretcher without explanation, and quickly ran towards the emergency room. Watching her daughter being carried away by the crowd, Song Shi felt a pang of sorrow and heartache.

In a daze, Xu Yanchi seemed to dream of Xiao Fuzhou. In the dream, he was still so dazzling, so captivating, a stark contrast to Xu Yanchi in the darkness. Would someone as dazzling as him really notice me? Xu Yanchi thought sadly. Xiao Fuzhou looked at the pure and lively girl before him. Even a chill emanating from her couldn't diminish her beauty. Xiao Fuzhou's steps seemed to drive him forward. He ignored the several girls who were showing him affection and walked straight towards Xu Yanchi.

"Fairy, do you know what you look like at your most beautiful?" Xu Yanchi looked up, seemingly surprised. "What?" Xiao Fuzhou raised an eyebrow and said, enunciating each word clearly, "When you were looking at me in the crowd just now." Xu Yanchi was stunned for a moment before realizing what he meant, and chuckled in exasperation. "If this young master has nothing better to do, I don't mind checking your head. Also, I'm not some fairy." Xiao Fuzhou wasn't angry. He blinked gently and whispered in Xu Yanchi's ear, "But in my eyes, you are more beautiful than those people." Xu Yanchi's heart suddenly slowed down, and she quickly looked away, her face flushed, like a pink rose blooming in the sunlight. Although Xu Yanchi blushed slightly, she still said somewhat angrily, "No way, if you pick any one of those people out individually, I'd be the ugliest one." Xiao Fuzhou clicked his tongue and said to Xu Yanchi, who was still standing there, as he walked away, "If you're the ugliest person in the world, then there's no such thing as a good-looking person in the world." Xu Yanchi felt a surge of annoyance, wanting to get angry but unable to vent it. She could only shout at Xiao Fuzhou, who had just walked away, "You're so rude!" Xiao Fuzhou heard this but wasn't angry; the corners of his mouth even unconsciously curved into a smile.

For the rest of his life, Xiao Fuzhou seemed to be deliberately provoking Xu Yanchi, always trying to provoke her, yet always managing to escape her grasp. Sometimes he would play pranks on her birthday, breaking her hair tie, or even secretly hiding notes she had written, making her search for ages before finally finding them. This went on for almost half a year, until one day she realized she couldn't find him anymore, and a wave of panic washed over her. Later, she heard from others that he had secretly entered the mortal world to experience its splendor and life. Hearing all this, Xu Yanchi gritted her teeth and secretly followed Xiao Fuzhou.

The nurse pushed the sedative into the IV line, the coolness spreading through her veins to her limbs. Xu Yanchi's clenched fingers slowly loosened, and the halo of the operating lights in her vision gradually faded into a blurry white. She glanced one last time at the crack in the door; the shadow of the pink dessert bag was no longer there. Before the name "Xiao Fuzhou" could even form in her throat, her consciousness was suddenly pulled away by the darkness.

She fell into a dream again. All she could see was Xiao Fuzhou's back; his hands were empty as he walked step by step into the light. "Wait for me!" Xu Yanchi reached out to grab him, but her foot slipped, and she plummeted into deeper darkness—countless cold hands reached out from the darkness, wrapping around her wrists and ankles with a force so strong it felt like they could crush her bones. "Give up," the owner of those hands whispered in her ear, "You can't catch up. Just sleep."

She shook her head frantically, her nails scratching at the air, her fingertips almost touching the hem of Xiao Fuzhou's clothes, but his figure suddenly receded into the distance. The sound of the IV dripping medicine in her dream turned into a countdown clock; the smell of disinfectant, mixed with the stench of decay in the darkness, filled her nostrils. She saw her hands begin to turn transparent, those black hands slowly devouring her arms, yet she still stretched out her other hand towards the light, repeatedly murmuring "Xiao Fuzhou," her voice as thin as a broken thread.

With her final effort, her fingertips touched nothingness—Xiao Fuzhou's figure completely melted into the light, disappearing from sight. Darkness enveloped her instantly, and the whispers in her ear turned into soothing sighs. Xu Yanchi's eyes slowly closed, her clenched hands completely loosened, and even the last thought of "seeing the sea" shattered into the boundless blackness as her consciousness faded. As darkness enveloped her and sank her, a lantern suddenly lit up before her eyes.

It was that autumn when she was 15, at Qingfan No. 1 Middle School, when a sycamore leaf fell on her unfolded physics test paper. Xiao Fuzhou bent down to pick it up, his fingertips brushing against her pen, and said, "The auxiliary line for this question is drawn wrong." It was the first time she lost all her hair after chemotherapy, when Xue Su burst in wearing a black baseball cap, stuffed a gummy candy into her palm, and said, "When you get better, let's go see the sunset at Baisha Beach." It was the day she checked her college entrance exam scores, when her phone screen showed 703 points, and she stared at the name "Xiao Fuzhou 708," secretly writing and crossing out "I really want to go to the same city as you" on her draft paper. And then there was her mother, Song Shi, sitting by her hospital bed, blowing on the porridge she had cooked to cool it down, and saying, "When you are discharged from the hospital, let's take a family photo."

These images, like shattered stars, flickered in the darkness. She saw herself standing on the beach wearing a baseball cap, Xiao Fuzhou carrying a pink dessert bag, the wind blowing his hoodie up; she saw herself sitting in a university classroom, jotting down news topics in her notebook, Xue Su peeking in from the back door and gesturing for her to "go for hot pot after class." But before she could reach out and touch them, these images were torn apart by a cold, dark hand, along with the thoughts of "seeing the sea," "going to university," and "seeing Xiao Fuzhou," all sinking into deeper darkness.

The last thing she saw was Xiao Fuzhou's profile as he turned away, still wearing his light gray hoodie, his eyes seemingly brimming with light. She wanted to call his name, but darkness choked her, and she could only watch that light grow farther and farther away until it completely melted into the boundless silence. Inside the operating room, the waveform on the electrocardiogram monitor gradually flattened into a straight line, and a sharp alarm pierced the silence of the room.