Station gate

The day Lu Xingye left was a gloomy morning in early March.

Lulu and Jiang Yuanzhou were forced by the school to participate in the final month of physics competition sprint training. Only I skipped the Saturday cram school and sneaked out to see him off.

A whistling wind was blowing in the train station square, and the air was mixed with the smell of coal smoke and breakfast stalls.

He was wearing a black down jacket zipped up to his chin.

The only luggage was a suitcase, but the wheels didn't work very well and were a bit stuck, making a "clacking" sound on the concrete floor.

This sound inexplicably reminded me of the second grade of elementary school when he was dragging a newly bought wooden cart with the same noisy wheels, and he was shouting at the top of his lungs downstairs of our house, "Lin Nian! Come down and play!"

The shouts at that time were bright and crisp, and could penetrate the entire family compound.

"Is that all you have to take with you?"

The train station was crowded with people, and he only had a suitcase and a drawing board with him.

I looked at his overly light luggage and found it hard to imagine that this was all he had after living in Hanchuan for more than ten years.

"That's enough." He shrugged nonchalantly. "You can buy what you need over there. The rest... is just a burden."

His eyes fell on my face and quickly looked away.

"What time does the bus leave?" I rubbed my red, frozen fingers.

He pulled out the ticket he had just received from his down jacket pocket and squinted at it. "There are still forty minutes until ticket inspection."

"Then you should go in quickly, it's cold outside." I pointed to the entrance next to me.

"Yeah." He responded softly, but stood there without moving.

The broadcast in the waiting hall was announcing train information, and people were rushing past us. Those who were catching the early bus were dragging large and small bags, with sleepiness and haste on their faces.

He looked at me, hesitant about what to say.

"Why? Can't bear to leave us?"

I bumped his shoulder with a casual air, "Then come back more often during your holidays! I heard Beijing roast duck is especially delicious, remember to bring some for us!"

He pulled the corner of his mouth and said, "You just know how to eat."

I chuckled foolishly.

He pulled the handle of the suitcase and said, "Let's go."

I nodded and watched him turn and merge into the crowd.

I had just taken two steps when he suddenly turned around. The zipper of his down jacket brushed against my arm, and the cool touch made me shiver.

"Lin Nian," he said, raising his voice a little, trying to drown out the noise around him, "Maybe... I'm just timid."

I stood there in a daze, my heart skipping a beat for no apparent reason.

"There are some things I've prepared for a long time, but in the end... I still don't have the courage to say them."

I stood there in a daze, watching him force a smile, "But it doesn't matter now. Goodbye."

That smile made my heart sink.

"Lu Xingye, you will come back, right?"

The moment he turned around again, I almost blurted out.

With an urgency that he had not anticipated, as if trying to grasp something that was rapidly passing by.

He paused, without looking back.

Then, I heard his voice drifting over on the wind, a little blurry, "When my art exhibition is held in Hanchuan, you all must come."

The crowd at the ticket gate quickly swallowed up his figure.

I stood on tiptoe, trying to find him among the crowd. I only had time to see the last cold light reflected by the zipper of his down jacket before he disappeared behind the gate.

————

On the way back, I walked slowly along the familiar street and began to count the sycamore trees on the roadside.

The bare branches point to the grayish-white sky, like a sketch drawn by Lu Xingye.

One, two, three...

Just like when we were kids on the way home from school, we always rushed to count, and whoever counted wrong would be hit on the head.

Lu Xingye always plays tricks, deliberately disrupting my rhythm, and then looks at me smugly when I get frustrated.

But this time, there was no longer that voice yelling, "You counted wrong! This one doesn't count!"

I suddenly realized that growing up is a process of constantly getting used to saying goodbye.

Those people who you once thought would always be around and make noise will eventually become a name that occasionally flashes in your mobile phone address book.

As I grow older, I seem to accept separation more and more.

The wind blew on my face, stinging it.

"There are some things I've prepared for a long time, but in the end... I still don't have the courage to say them."

Lu Xingye’s words just now rang in my ears again.

I looked up and breathed a sigh of relief.

White mist is floating in the air.

The phone vibrated in his pocket. It was a message from Jiang Yuanzhou, "Has Xingye left?"

I stared at the screen for a long time before slowly typing, "Yeah, I'm already in the car."

The moment I pressed the send button, I suddenly remembered that snowy afternoon.

We were eight years old that year.

Lu Xingye stood at the gate of my house like a snowman, his nose red from the cold, but he put his hands on his hips and shouted at my father who came out to take out the trash, "Uncle Lin, when I grow up, I must marry Lin Nian!"

His expression was very serious at that time.

My dad laughed so hard that he couldn't straighten his back. He rubbed his head and said, "You little bastard, you're thinking about this before your hair has even grown out?"

The past is like a soft thorn that pierces the heart. It is not severe, but leaves a long and hidden feeling of soreness.

I continued counting the sycamore trees on the roadside until I counted to the 108th tree, which was just the doorstep of my home.

This number reminds me of the days when I collected cards as a child. It seemed that collecting 108 Water Margin cards could exchange for a complete childhood.

But now, our Liangshan heroes have been scattered all over the world.

I pushed open the door and my mother poked her head out from the kitchen. "Is Hoshino gone?"

"Yeah." I nodded, took off my coat and hung it on the hanger.

"I never expected it," the mother said with some emotion, "this child is actually the first one to be admitted to university."

I didn't respond and glanced at the clock on the wall.

At this point, the train had already carried Lu Xingye a long way, carrying all the words that he had not had time to say, heading towards a future without us.

On my phone screen, a new message from Jiang Yuanzhou flashed, "See you at the usual place tonight? I brought you review materials."

I took a deep breath and drew a smiley face on the cold window glass.

Growth is probably like this, saying goodbye and meeting at the same time; losing and gaining at the same time.

And let those words that are not said be scattered by the wind on the platform of March.