Love with punishment

After discovering she was pregnant, Lin Xiaoning sank deeper into self-isolation. She feared going out, attending classes, and even the gazes of others, as if the entire world could read the impending doomsday on her face. She tried to numb herself by deceiving herself by saying, "It was all just a dream," but the changes in her body and the onset of morning sickness ruthlessly pierced through this self-deception. She gradually came to believe that perhaps no one truly cared about the past—only those with memories cared about a particular period of their lives; other people, in their memories, simply never existed.

However, when she trembled and confessed everything to her parents, her traditional mother didn't scold her as she had expected. After a moment of shock, the housewife embraced her in tears, whispering, "The hardest thing in a woman's life is to keep herself to herself... Alas... But even if you're wrong, you have to move on." Her mother even recounted several extreme cases: a girl in her hometown who was forced to jump into a river because she got pregnant out of wedlock, and another who was forced to marry a widower and then died from domestic violence. These stories weren't meant to frighten her, but to tell her, "This society's rules for women are as harsh as knives, but I can't let you go down that path. Being a good wife is a good thing, but living a good life is the true meaning."

Her father, a high school Chinese teacher, had lost his usual silence. In her memory, he was always as calm as an unfathomable pool of water, hiding countless stories, yet never revealing a single word. After listening to Lin Xiaoning's intermittent sobbing, he took off his glasses and spoke a lot, slowly recalling his youth: "Dad was young too, and he was also ignorant when he was in college... I've been teaching for thirty years and have witnessed too many struggles between men and women. There were teachers and students, and their feelings were once so sincere. Some secretly fell in love, and some students committed suicide for love... But no matter the situation, Xiaoning, you must always understand that the most important thing is to take care of your body." He didn't comment on Bai Jinyu, but that silent sigh was like an invisible hand, strangling her throat, making the feeling of suffocation seep into every pore.

Under the guise of "travel," her parents took her to another coastal city for an abortion. On the operating table, in the trance of anesthesia, Lin Xiaoning suddenly remembered Bai Jinyu's words, "A woman's heart is entered from below." Only then did she realize how shallow that statement was—true "entry" should be about spiritual understanding and the acceptance of responsibility, not physical conquest.

While recuperating after the operation, my mother continued to recount the stories she knew. The ending of each tragic story was linked to a future day: infertility, her future husband bringing up past affairs... a series of dangers seemed to be on the way.

Her father's meticulous care made Lin Xiaoning feel ashamed. He deliberately created a cheerful atmosphere, but that clumsy performance would always collapse at a certain moment, leaving behind unconcealable tears. What she shed was regret for herself, guilt towards her parents, perhaps also residual love for someone, or even a hint of relief... She couldn't tell. She even seriously doubted how ridiculous those emotions that were always simply categorized - sad or happy, as if naturally separated - were; and how hypocritical those performances that released emotions, whether heartbroken or smiling like a flower, seemed to be incompatible with each other - were. She often felt the chaos and impermanence of emotions: sad, but seemed to be relieved, was it because she lost a heartless person? Sad, but mixed with nostalgia, was it because her body had experienced trauma, but she still remembered the joy she once had? She was speechless about her guilt, but she began to be understood by her parents.

On the beach with the sea breeze blowing, Lin Xiaoning's father talked about existentialism with her: "Sartre said that 'man is free', but the premise of freedom is to bear the weight of choice." The mother added in the simplest words: "A woman can abort the baby in her belly, but the things in her heart will stay with her for the rest of her life." For the first time, Lin Xiaoning realized that her parents were not textbook moral repeaters, but based on family affection, they guided her to think: maturity is not the "ripening" of the body, but the "awakening" of the mind - being able to see the truth of desire and bear the consequences of choice.

At the corner bookstore, Lin Xiaoning picked up Simone de Beauvoir's The Second Sex for some unknown reason. The theories she had once found difficult now held an inexplicable allure. From the very first page, those once dull words seemed to open a window of self-persuasion for her. Reading made her suddenly realize: society confines women to the status of "others," using the concept of chastity to restrict their bodily autonomy. She reflected on why she had been so horrified by the phrase "sinking a pig cage"—it was precisely because patriarchy ties women's value to chastity, turning sex into a tool for moral judgment rather than a natural life experience. Lin Xiaoning wrote on the title page: "If sex is a power game, then my mistake was not losing 'purity' but surrendering the power to define myself."

Before returning to school, Lin Xiaoning seemed to have a new perspective on desire: physical pleasure need not be stigmatized, but only by placing sex on equal footing and respect can true "enlightenment" be achieved—that is, understanding oneself through the body, rather than defining oneself through others. She knew that these fanciful thoughts had far exceeded her parents' framework...but she was grateful for their "love with discipline"—not indulgence, but a deeper understanding and companionship.

After returning to school, the strange looks from classmates still haunted her. Some whispered, "Look at the way she walks, she's definitely not a virgin!" Boys cast ambiguous glances at her. Lin Xiaoning briefly wanted to retreat back into her shell, but then she heard her father's words echo in her ears: "There's no such thing as true innocence in this world; there's only the courage to face stigma."

At school, Bai Jinyu changed his girlfriend again and was still hailed as a "romantic talent". Everything seemed to have nothing to do with him anymore... Only the fat girl Xu Zilin in the same dormitory kept pestering Lin Xiaoning, asking her to confess every detail between her and Bai Jinyu, reminding her that they used to be so close.

At a nighttime dormitory chat, everyone revealed their true feelings—the membrane was gone. Amidst the laughter and laughter, everyone seemed to agree: if it still existed, it was irresistible evidence of their lack of charm. They claimed to be indifferent, but each could hear in the other's voices a deep worry about the future: if their future "him" cared about this, it would be a disaster...

Why does "losing virginity" exist as a label? It's simply society shaping individual behavior through moral discourse, with women's bodies constantly the focus of surveillance. What's the root cause of all this? Is it because society is moving too fast, while sexual attitudes lag behind and advance at the same time, never keeping pace? Sex education also seems to have limited effectiveness—it should teach responsibility, not shame.

What real problems exist in the world? Books seem to hold all the answers. Lin Xiaoning has completely shed her youthful immaturity. No longer viewing love as salvation, she turns to books for the answers she seeks. It was then that the elective course Introduction to Criminal Law came into her view.