Misunderstanding of Youth

That year, Lin Xiaoning had just turned eighteen and had only been in college for half a year. The first time she really noticed Bai Jinyu was in the auditorium during the departmental debate competition.

The afternoon sun slanted in through the high windows, casting hazy streaks of light in the air. Bai Jinyu stood among the debaters, his white gown slightly wrinkled, his sleeves casually rolled up to his elbows, revealing a lean yet powerful forearm. His voice was resonant like the clash of jade chimes, each argument clear and precise. From the audience came occasional murmurs of approval, and she, sitting among the crowd, could no longer look away.

On the day of the finals, Lin Xiaoning won Best Debater and earned the unanimous recognition of "Bai Jinyu's girlfriend." And so, they naturally bonded. They attended classes together, ate together, studied in the library together, and even did many things their parents forbade—their first drinking, their first skipping class, their first staying out all night.

At the interdepartmental basketball game in the second semester of their sophomore year, Bai Jinyu shone like Rukawa Kaede. He ran, jumped, and shot on the court, his every move capturing the attention of the entire crowd. At the most intense moment, he had just completed a beautiful slam dunk, sweat pouring down his face, when he suddenly turned and rushed to the stands, stopping in front of her. His breathing was heavy, his eyes blazing with light: "Lin Xiaoning, this ball—is for you." Then he leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. Amidst the exclamations of surprise, she could only hear the subtle thud of sweat falling to the ground, see his wet hair plastered to his forehead, and feel that small patch of skin burning as if it were about to melt.

That evening, Bai Jinyu invited Lin Xiaoning to a movie, under the guise of a celebration. The theater was dim, a cheesy romance playing. The dialogue on the screen was distant and blurry, but all her senses were focused on him. Just as the male lead was uttering his words, he suddenly leaned in, his breath brushing against her ear: "You know... true love needs to be experienced slowly." She shuddered, trying to avoid his outstretched hand, only to be gently grasped. In the flickering light and shadow, she saw his Adam's apple roll, and felt her fingertips tremble. Shame and anticipation swirled like tides, and she shuddered slightly in the darkness.

Afterward, Bai Jinyu took her to a café near the school. As the night deepened, an indefinable ambiguity hung in the air. "Sit with me for a while," he said in a low voice, a coquettish yet alluring tone. "Just chat," he said, his arm gently wrapping around her shoulders. She gradually gave in, her last psychological barrier melting under his gentle words.

The strange feeling she felt at that moment brought back a fleeting reminder of her mother's words: "Girls must learn to protect themselves." She could almost see the elders in her hometown judging women's behavior and hear the neighbors whispering, "If you lose your sense of propriety, you ruin your reputation." Uneasy, she suddenly thought: If my parents knew, would they be utterly disappointed? She felt she had crossed a line, but her emotions, guided by him, betrayed her fear.

At dawn, she awoke from a brief slumber. Morning light filtered through the slits in the curtains, casting a shadow on the disheveled sheets. At that moment, she felt not joy but a deep sense of unease and confusion. She gazed at Bai Jinyu, who slept soundly beside her, and suddenly panicked. He hadn't even promised a long-term relationship, not a future agreement. Why had she surrendered her trust so easily? These questions pierced her heart like needles, yet she dared not dwell on them.

But she cared about him so much, and this feeling made her extremely conflicted - on the one hand, she felt that she had made an unforgivable mistake according to traditional concepts, and on the other hand, she could not resist his approach.

Some time later, it was her birthday. Bai Jinyu prepared red wine and celebrated for her in the same hotel room. After a few drinks, her cheeks flushed. This time, the initial uneasiness was gone, and she experienced an unprecedented intimacy. In that moment of emotion, she hugged him tightly, as if this was the only way to prove that her choice was right.

"Will we always be like this?" she asked softly, with an expectation in her voice that she herself was not aware of.

"Of course," he replied softly, avoiding her gaze.

It was already late at night when I returned to the dormitory, and my roommate gave me a questioning look. "Where have you been so late?"

"My cousin is here, so I'm staying with her at the hotel." She said the excuse she had prepared long ago, her face burning. At that moment, she suddenly realized that she had begun to weave lies for this relationship.

The third time was after returning from summer vacation. The longing for him after not seeing him for so long ignited a passionate emotion, and they talked late that night. Amidst this whirlwind of emotion, she wondered: Why does society always hold men and women to different standards? This double standard, like a thorn, pierced her gradually awakening self-awareness.

Gradually, she began to want to spend time with him whenever she could. It was as if the floodgates of emotion had been opened, unable to shut off the surging attachment. Whenever she stood in front of others, she would deliberately keep her distance, fearing that others would notice her, and even more afraid of whispering.

These feelings constantly lingered in her mind. She began to suffer from insomnia, often spending late nights wondering: Why are women's emotional choices always subject to greater scrutiny? Even in today's world of equality, certain notions still haunt every woman like a ghost. She felt torn—on one side the sense of constraint instilled by traditional values, and on the other the attachment born of authentic emotional experience.

What disturbed her most was that she found herself using intimacy to confirm her feelings. Every time she spent time with Bai Jinyu, she would ask, "Do you still care about me?" It seemed that only through intimate interaction could she temporarily soothe her inner anxiety. However, Bai Jinyu's answers were always nonchalant and she would change the subject.

What she didn't know was that Bai Jinyu had already started to get closer to Zhou Qian'er, the beauty of the Foreign Languages ​​Department. He would still come to her, but his eyes were no longer focused. Until that fateful afternoon, she overheard him talking to a friend:

"Lin Xiaoning? Or is Qian'er more interesting..."

At that moment, her whole world fell silent.

That day, she walked around the playground, the night breeze chilling, but she finally came to her senses: what she had thought of as emotional connection and genuine affection was, for him, just a simple experience. She recalled his first words, "There are some distances; the closer we get, the harder it is to separate." Now she realized it was just a lighthearted joke, unrelated to any sincerity.

The next day, when she found Bai Jinyu, she tried not to appear distraught, but the feeling of having lost everything was so real. Bai Jinyu held her, comforting her... Under the moonlight, in the deserted mountains behind, Lin Xiaoning choked back her tears, saying, "I really care about you... I don't want this to end... for the last time." Torn between pain and reluctance, her heart once again experienced an unspeakable struggle. Even now, Lin Xiaoning cannot comprehend the absurdity of her irrational actions.

But why was she the one who was hurt, the one who felt the blame? Why did society always teach women to restrain their emotions, but rarely teach men to respect them? These reflections caused her pain, but also allowed her to truly grow.

This experience shaped her understanding of relationships. She began to understand that true growth lies not in indulgence but in conscious choices; not in rejecting tradition but in understanding the cultural logic behind it and being able to make her own judgments. Those days and nights of joy and tears, those struggles and struggles between tradition and modernity, planted the seeds of self-redemption in her heart.

And that seed will soon break through the ground in a way she never imagined...