reconciliation

On the second day, Shangguan Ying sat alone in the room while Ouyang Mingri went to play chess with Master Nong Yue. There were light footsteps behind Shangguan Ying. She turned around and was slightly startled to see Shangguan Yan. Shangguan Ying called out in a calm tone, but with a hint of guilt, "Sister." Shangguan Yan sat down beside her, was silent for a moment, and cast her eyes on the pool. She said with a complicated expression, "I remember when we were little, you loved to drag me out of Fengyu Pavilion secretly to find delicious food on the outskirts of the city. Every time, I covered for you." A wry smile of nostalgia appeared on Shangguan Ying's lips and she said, "Yes, and then when we got home and were discovered by the master, you were always the one who got scolded because you always took the responsibility on yourself." Shangguan Yan said seriously, "Because I am the elder sister." She turned her head and looked at Shangguan Ying deeply, her eyes filled with complicated emotions, "Yingying, I... I'm sorry." Shangguan Ying was a little surprised and asked puzzledly, "Why did sister apologize?"

Shangguan Yan's voice was low, carrying a loneliness she couldn't conceal. "That day, I said I didn't understand you, that I hadn't protected you well... and that was true. I watched you dealing with Nong Yue and Ming Ri, watched you come up with schemes I couldn't agree with, and suddenly I realized that the sister I remembered, who needed my protection, had already walked away alone, into a world completely unfamiliar to me." She paused, her tone filled with guilt. "I'm afraid, not that you'll change, but that... I'll lose you. It's like a wide river is separating us. I look at you on the other side, but I don't know how to cross it."

Shangguan Ying's eyes flushed slightly, and her long-held defense began to soften in the face of her sister's honesty. "Sister, you haven't lost me. I will always be your sister." She took a deep breath and decided to open her heart. "I respect you, always have. You won't understand my ruthlessness and determination. I grew up in an environment where only the fittest can survive. If I were like you, I would have died long ago. When I suggested poisoning the maid, the disappointment in your eyes stabbed me like a knife. I know I have shattered the image of that 'innocent and kind' sister in your mind."

Shangguan Yan: "No, Yingying, it's not disillusionment." She eagerly grasped her sister's hand, which was icy cold. "It's heartache! I'd rather you remain innocent, never needing to understand these tactics! It's my incompetence, my inability to bring peace and prosperity to you and mother, that's forced you to take up these weapons!"

Shangguan Ying held her sister's hand, tears finally falling as she said, "I never thought you were incompetent. The world's general trend is that after a long period of division, there will be reunion, and after a long period of reunion, there will be division. This cannot be changed by one person. As for our differences, isn't that how people are? During the Spring and Autumn Period and the Warring States Period, a hundred schools of thought contended with each other, and people's thoughts constantly clashed, recording their lifelong thoughts in books and passing them on to future generations, and this cycle repeats itself. Thinking back on these experiences now, they are precious treasures in my life. If I were like a pig, without pain, I would not grow, but pigs are raised to be eaten. Sister, you can disagree with me, but please don't blame yourself, okay?"

Shangguan Yan stared at her sister in shock, as if she truly understood her for the first time. The guilt in her eyes gradually gave way to a deeper understanding and tenderness. "So, you haven't become a different person. You've simply chosen a different way to survive."

Shangguan Ying nodded with tears in her eyes and said, "Yes. Sister, we are relatives connected by blood. We don't have to walk the same path to be sisters. You can continue to be your goddess dragon and stick to your morality; and I will continue to be myself, but I will always have Shangguan Ying of this family in my heart. I have never had any emotion towards you other than reluctance." The two sisters held hands tightly, and under the moonlight, the ice of estrangement quietly melted away in sincere tears.

Shangguan Yan gently held her sister in her arms, just like when she was a child, and she let out a long sigh, as if a heavy burden had been lifted off her shoulders. Then Shangguan Yan smiled with tears in her eyes and said with infinite tenderness in her eyes, "I understand. You will always be my most beloved sister. You walk on your own path, and if you are tired, look back and I will always be behind you." Shangguan Ying leaned her head on her sister's shoulder, feeling the long-lost, pure sense of security: "Yeah. Sister, the same goes for you. Your path is more dangerous. You are not alone now, you still have me and mother, so don't try to be ashamed of everything, okay? Mother and I don't want to lose you." Shangguan Yan responded firmly, "Okay!" The moonlight was like water, sprinkling in the courtyard, stretching the figures of the two sisters, casting them in two different directions, but closely connected under their feet.

Chapter 26 Reconciliation

The night in the imperial palace exudes a chilling, almost jade-like aura. The glazed tiles gleam coldly in the moonlight, akin to Ying'er and I at this moment. Though we may still live under the same roof, a chasm has opened within, one that's difficult to bridge.

I agreed to return with her to this cage-like palace, ostensibly to contain my father, Ouyang Feiying, but in reality, I couldn't let her out of my sight. I was afraid that if I let go, the resolute figure who had said, "We'll divorce after the child is born," would actually vanish with my child.

Inside the palace, my father and Zi Ling chatted and laughed, one addressing her as "daughter-in-law" and the other as "city lord," seemingly harmonious. Yet, I could clearly see the scrutiny and distrust swirling beneath their eyes, like an undercurrent surging beneath the surface of a calm lake. Because of her pregnancy, my father had assigned her more servants, ostensibly to provide care but in reality to monitor her. And yet, even in this predicament, Zi Ling had once again taken up her martial arts manuals, studying them day and night.

At that moment, an inexplicable feeling of insecurity gripped me. I wheeled my wheelchair closer, my tone unnoticed, strained, "Martial arts training is exhausting and heartbreaking, and it's not good for the fetus."

Without even taking her eyes off the scroll, she calmly replied, "I want to protect my child."

These words were like a thorn, piercing the place where I was most proud and at the same time most ashamed. I almost immediately retorted, "I will protect you!"

She finally looked up at me, her eyes clear, yet with a polite distance: "I just don't want to cause you any trouble."

"Trouble?" I felt like something hit my chest hard, and my voice was hoarse. "We are husband and wife, why are you so... polite?"

She put down the book, her calmness bordering on cruelty. Word by word, she laid out the current state of our relationship: "Tomorrow, our relationship will be like a crumpled sheet of paper; even if you unfold it again, the creases will remain." She even planned a fallback plan for me: "If you want to be with someone else, I won't stop you. If any of our three children have a daughter, I want to raise her myself, because City Lord Ouyang favors sons over daughters."

"How could I want to be with someone else!" I defended myself eagerly, as if this could erase the hurt I had caused her.

Her composure finally broke, like a volcano erupting after a long period of suppression. She questioned me about why I was obsessed with her sister. She said I was always chasing after someone I couldn't have, while she only wanted earthly happiness, and that we were "not on the same page."

I panicked and almost swore that I had reflected for a long time, would cherish everything I had in the future, and vowed never to see Shangguan Yan again.

But she only laughed sarcastically, her laughter filled with the desolation left by the tears that had dried. "You swore before that your feelings for my sister would never change... I thought you fell in love with her because you lost your memory, but after regaining your memory, you're still obsessed with the past." She looked at me with a hollow look in her eyes. "Tomorrow, I'll be heartbroken, but I've cried enough. I want to start a new life. After the child is born, we'll divorce. If you don't agree, I'll stay with my mother forever, praying for the dead."

Divorce? Green lamps and ancient Buddhas? These words, like a poisoned dagger, pierced my heart. A wave of immense sadness and a sense of being misunderstood washed over me, and I blurted out, "When I married you, I never imagined you would be so cruel to me and our child!"

She met my sorrowful gaze and retaliated without mercy, each word piercing the heart: "You didn't even think about me and the child back then! Since you don't care about my feelings, why do you expect me to care about yours?"

All my words were stuck in my throat. I knew she was telling the truth, but I couldn't admit my vileness and shame to her face. At that moment, I truly understood how deeply my actions had hurt her, and it seemed that some things between us could never be undone.

I pleaded, almost humbly, even if it meant sleeping on the ground tonight, just to see her. But she refused, adamantly insisting on living with her mother-in-law. I tried to stop her, but my outstretched hand froze in mid-air—how could I have the nerve to force her to stay with me?

At night, my father quietly arrived, his usual inquiries inquiring ways. I responded with a wry smile, saying we were "harmonious." He pointedly pointed out the fact we were sleeping separately, even questioning the bloodline of Ying'er's unborn child in an infuriating tone.

Rage instantly consumed my sanity! My wife, who had given everything for me, even accepted her father's murderer as her father-in-law, had to endure such filthy speculation! I fiercely retorted, defending her innocence and our shaky relationship. But when I said "deeply in love," a surge of absurdity and self-mockery welled up inside me.

My father changed the subject, mentioning Bantianyue's cooperation intentions. Alarm bells rang in my heart, and I eagerly stated my position: If Shangguan Yan died, Ziling would not live alone; I would also take my son with me to be buried with him! When my father said, "I haven't agreed," I finally breathed a sigh of relief.

After my father left, the bedroom fell silent again. I couldn't sleep, feeling Zi Ling drifting away from me, my heart aching. Her accusations replayed uncontrollably in my mind, especially the line: "You no longer care about my feelings."

What followed wasn't anger, but a surge of self-loathing. I loathed the part of me driven by vanity and obsession. I loathed the part of me that, to prove something, would hurt those I loved. I realized clearly that it was that one fleeting thought that had pushed away the person I cherished so dearly, and plunged the whole family I'd longed for into the abyss of disintegration.

My thoughts suddenly dragged me back to that day's confrontation with Sima Lingfeng at Zhaixing Nongyue Residence. With the air of a victor, I warned him to stay away from my wife and children, lest I kill him, even if he were a rare confidant. He sneered and retorted, saying his love for Shangguan Ying was no less than mine, and even more "unwavering." I scoffed and exposed his intimacy with at least three of the maids, attempting to claim the moral high ground.

He retorted, hitting the nail on the head: "I've also heard that Hua Tuo pursued the goddess Shangguan Yan."

I was speechless for a moment, and all my arguments seemed pale and powerless.

His next words were like a magic mirror, revealing all my hidden thoughts: "Sai Huatuo, you want Shangguan Ying, but you unconsciously need Shangguan Yan to prove your charm? I always thought the goddess Shangguan Yan was an icy beauty, without any interest in deep friendship. How could she compare to Zi Ling's vividness? But I didn't expect that the astonishingly talented Sai Huatuo was once obsessed with her smile... What do you want to prove? That even with a disability, you can still make the most lonely woman fall in love with you?"

I was horrified, as if I had been stripped of all my disguises and stood naked before him. This man whom I considered a confidant actually understood the despicable and unbearable nature of my heart better than I did myself!

Since then, I have asked myself countless times:

Why do I have such a deep obsession with Shangguan Yan?

Why did you pursue it so passionately?

Why did I have to ask for an answer on that day?

If Shangguan Yan is really attracted to me, will I be happy?

Scenes of my sweet past with Zi Ling flooded back, contrasting with the almost innocent simplicity that Shangguan Yan displayed during our intellectual exchanges. I once believed Shangguan Yan to be my spiritual confidant, someone who understood my aloofness. But now I see clearly that her aloofness stems from a closed-off, unwillingness to face reality after the fall of her country and family. Mine, on the other hand, stems from a profound understanding of the world's complexity and the dark side of human nature. I long for true love, yet fear betrayal and hurt. We were never meant to be.

I even had the absurd thought that perhaps Shangguan Yan was the one "right" for me. She was simple, and being with her seemed more "comfortable." At least she didn't make me feel out of control and powerless like I did with Ying'er. If Ziling wanted to be together, I'd give up everything for her; if she wanted to leave, even if she was pregnant with my child, I'd be powerless to stop her.

But why did Zi Ling leave every time?

The first time was because I got blood on my hands in the name of love.

The second time was because of my cruel father.

The third time was this time, because of my pathetic unwillingness to prove my charm!

Every time, the root cause lies with me!

If only I hadn’t asked Shangguan Yan that question!

If only she had never appeared!

Perhaps at this moment, I am sleeping in the arms of my Zi Ling, instead of tasting the bitter fruit of regret alone in this cold palace.

I asked myself, when Shangguan Yan was in the most dangerous moment, although I helped her, I was remarkably calm inside. Perhaps, it was because my "pursuit" was not sincere enough, mixed with too much impurities of proving myself, so Shangguan Yan's rejection was, to some extent, to save face.

Why did I still want an answer at that time?

Is it because I pride myself on being able to plan everything for myself, and Shangguan Yan is the only "unexpected" person in my life?

But even if she really falls in love with me, so what?

A more terrifying picture emerged: What is the meaning of my life if I can't be with Ziling?

I can't imagine life without her. During those three years when I lost my memory, I spent every day studying and practicing martial arts. My life seemed fulfilling, but inside, it felt as empty as a walking corpse. Even with Shangguan Yan by my side, I still felt a deep sense of loneliness.

It wasn't until today, after hearing the sisters' conversation, that I finally understood—Shangguan Yan wasn't the brilliant woman I'd imagined, the one who needed my rescue, the one abandoned by the world like me. She was simple and straightforward, her suffering stemming from her unwillingness to resist or accept her fate. In reality, she once possessed the family happiness I'd always dreamed of.

Only Zi Ling understands my desires. She loves my scheming and my kindness. She can fight for me and give up everything for me. She gave birth to children for me!

If Shangguan Yan really accepted me, that would be a real tragedy. Given Zi Ling's stubbornness, there would be no turning back between us.

At this moment, I was actually scared, and then glad - glad that Shangguan Yan had never fallen in love with me.

This relief was like the final slap in the face.

I, Ouyang Mingri, finally saw the messy soil under my feet after the illusory light of the bright moon completely dissipated. I also saw clearly that the person who had always stood by me, with whom I was connected by blood and shared the same fate, had already been hurt all over by me.

Endless regret, like the night, completely engulfed me.

Why did I ask that stupid question in the first place?

For the next few days, I drank every night to drown my sorrows. One night, Ziling, feeling unwell during her pregnancy, found me drunk in the pavilion at the end of the corridor. I must have looked haggard, no longer possessing the graceful demeanor I once held, "like a Hua Tuo." Finally unable to bear it, Ziling intervened, her expression a sharp disappointment. "Mingri, why are you so careless about your body? I...you are..." I interrupted, "I've been thinking this over and over again. I was wrong. I shouldn't have asked your sister that question. I gave in to my pride and arrogance. But Ziling, are you completely innocent? When you were with Zhao Lei, I deceived myself and didn't seize the opportunity. I admit it! But you took it upon yourself to make me forget you. Have you ever considered my feelings? Have you ever thought about how I lived those years without you? Have you ever cared?" Ziling fell silent, her thoughts churning uncontrollably. She murmured, "I know... you nearly lost your future by killing your master's aunt to protect me; you healed your own wounds, counseled me, and left your beloved master for me; even after losing your memories, you were still so kind to me, always protecting me. I... I... I'm just afraid you'll leave me, I'd rather leave first. Perhaps I'm punishing myself! I say you chase after an unattainable illusion, but I, too, cling to a flawless, absolutely loyal love. I'm sorry, tomorrow..." As she spoke, tears welled up in her eyes, and her hand unconsciously caressed her slightly swollen belly, where two brand-new lives were being nurtured. My heart clenched with her tears.

"I'm the one who should say sorry." I placed my hand on her belly, and Zi Ling's tears fell on my arm. Zi Ling wiped away her tears and said calmly, "I was wrong. Perhaps my personality is too extreme. I'm not a perfect person, but I expect you to be perfect. Alas, for now, forget what I said about the separation and the eternal companionship of the ancient Buddha. Let's find a way to help my sister first, and then give birth to the child safely. We can talk about other things later. During this time, you have to stop drinking. I need your brain. Don't let alcohol affect your thinking. Drinking too much is harmful to your health. I want you to be safe and healthy with me and the child!"

"Okay!" She said she needed me! She wanted me! These two sentences were enough for me!