Chapter Twenty-Four

This was the first time Qin Zhenzhen had bumped into a former colleague on the street since leaving her job. Although she had quickly found a job at a small tech company with only about twenty employees, she had almost simultaneously felt the covetousness of her male colleagues and the exclusion of her female colleagues. This made her often miss the working environment at Polar Blue Sky, so even though she wasn't very close to Zuo Xutong while working there, she felt particularly warm seeing her now.

She offered Zuo Xutong coffee and opened up to her, sharing some of her innermost thoughts.

"Do you know why I love dressing up so much?" After a few pleasantries, Qin Zhenzhen suddenly asked this question. When the other person shook her head, she continued, "Actually, I'm not a woman who was born loving beauty. I used to be similar to you."

She gazed out the window as the sunset faded and the streetlights silently came on. The coffee shop door was constantly being opened and closed. Qin Zhenzhen looked away: "On Christmas Eve of my freshman year, something happened that completely changed my life. It snowed heavily that day. I only had one class in the afternoon, so I arrived at the classroom early. A little while later, Jiang Dan arrived and sat in the seat inside mine. Our engineering major has always had more men than women, so handsome guys were everywhere, but beautiful girls were very rare. Jiang Dan was from the south, the petite and delicate type. Although she wasn't exactly a beauty queen, she was undoubtedly the most eye-catching among us, a bunch of average-looking guys."

She had barely settled down when someone came to find her and give her a Christmas present. I hadn't seen the boy before; he must have been from another class. He said he didn't have any classes that afternoon and had braved the heavy snow to get out of his warm bed and find out which classroom we were in.

As soon as my first suitor left, Yang Zheng walked into the classroom. He was the most handsome boy in the entire department, looking like the male lead in an idol drama. Many girls had a crush on him, including me.

Yang Zheng walked straight over and tapped on the table in front of me.

Jiang Dan and I looked up at the same time. His eyes were only on Jiang Dan. He said, "This is for you. Merry Christmas."

He walked past me and placed a beautifully packaged box on the table. I lowered my head and pretended to continue reading, but I couldn't concentrate on a single word. Every word of their conversation reached my ears.

After Yang Zheng left, another boy came. Whenever these boys stood next to me, I had to make myself invisible. Of course, I knew that even if I didn't actively try to lower my profile, they would act as if I didn't exist. I really felt embarrassed about my situation.

Later, Jiang Dan was called outside, and I finally breathed a sigh of relief, no longer having to be a motionless wooden doll. I looked up and saw someone walking towards me. Compared to the boys who had given Jiang Dan gifts, he was quite unremarkable—short, wearing cheap resin glasses, and with thick lips…

He timidly pulled out a wrapped apple from behind him. I still remember it to this day. It was wrapped in transparent paper with yellow patterns. Compared to the other people's gifts, this apple seemed really shabby. At that moment, I suddenly felt a little sorry for him because, from any perspective, he had no competitive advantage. However, everyone has a love for beauty, and even so, we cannot deprive him of his right to pursue beautiful women.

When he walked up to me, I quickly lowered my head, intending to pretend I couldn't see anything again. It seemed that only in this way could I save face and avoid hurting my self-esteem. Deep down, I knew who cared about my self-esteem; they only had eyes for Jiang Dan. I kept my head down, waiting for him to place the gift on Jiang Dan's table and leave. But then, he suddenly called my name. At that moment, my heart raced. I swear, in all my years, this was the first time my heart had beat so fast upon hearing my own name.

It was an unexpected expectation. Although the gift was meager, the boy was unattractive, and I felt nothing for him... none of that mattered. What mattered was that it proved one thing: that I was appreciated by someone.

I looked up and flashed the brightest smile I'd ever had. I looked at him, and he looked at me too. His small eyes were hidden behind thick glasses, making his face blurry. All I could see were his thick lips moving: "Is Jiang Dan sitting inside you?"

At that moment, my smile froze, and after a long pause, I slowly nodded.

He then asked if he could help me give this gift to Jiang Dan and also wish her a Merry Christmas.

I numbly reached out my hand, and he shoved the apple into it without even saying thank you. Perhaps in his eyes, only beautiful women deserved a thank you from him, only beautiful women deserved to celebrate Christmas, and a girl like me didn't deserve it.

In an instant, he became incredibly ugly in my eyes, utterly repulsive. He was more hateful than the boys who ignored me; at least they offered no hope. They say you can't judge a book by its cover, but being ugly doesn't necessarily mean being kind. From then on, I grew my hair long and started learning to dress myself up. Sure enough, the following Christmas, a boy actually brought me apples.

After listening to Qin Zhenzhen's heartfelt words, Zuo Xutong finally understood why Qin Zhenzhen had smiled gratefully at him when he said she "seemed like a different person" in the company cafeteria that day.

At the time, Zuo Xutong was puzzled as to why so many people wanted to become someone else. If you become someone else, does the "me" from the past still exist?

Perhaps everyone experiences death in various forms from birth. People's behavior changes, their thoughts and appearances change, and the things they pursue change... When she was seven years old, when they moved, a neighbor's child stole her teddy bear. It was her most beloved toy, which she cherished as if it were her life. She cried her heart out for several days. Throughout her long childhood, she would be heartbroken and grief-stricken whenever she thought of that lovely teddy bear.

After breaking up with Luan Mingfeng, she experienced a similar emotional blow. But to this day, neither the teddy bear nor her ex-boyfriend can stir even the slightest ripple in her heart. As time goes by, all the people and events of the past that carried her joys and sorrows, her ups and downs, will one day become insignificant.

The past mind cannot be grasped, the present mind cannot be grasped, and the future mind cannot be grasped.

Zuo Xutong gently patted Qin Zhenzhen's cold hand. At this moment, she completely understood this woman who was so crazy about her appearance, but she could never become like her.

Because she had long seen through it all: a woman who doesn't pursue love and doesn't care about men's opinions can stay away from jealousy, possessiveness, anxiety, troubles, and pain.

Women, as independent individuals, are capable of living self-sufficiently. The love and happiness they pursue should not come from external sources, much less depend on men. Their lives and security can be enhanced by inner peace.

As a wise man once said: The source of happiness lies not in what you seek, but in what you stop seeking.