Chapter 35. The Flowers Have Fallen (Dr. Xu's Ending)

It rains a lot in New York City in the summer. Nearing noon, the weather outside the floor-to-ceiling windows was still gloomy.

Fortunately, there are several pots of vibrant large-leafed green plants indoors, and several blue decorative paintings hanging on the wall in an orderly manner, which add a bit of color to the interior.

A man with a gentle back sits at his desk, staring at the endgame of a chess game on the computer screen.

A Zugzwang (German for "forced move") is a tragic position in chess:

"If you don't move, you can still hold on; but the rules of chess require you to make a move, and any move you make will make the situation worse."

Xu Yichen has been looking at this chess game for almost half an hour, and he can't crack it.

What is even more difficult to decipher is his current mood.

Three days ago, he received another email from Ke Fan.

The email said that she and Yi Lingjia had resolved their misunderstandings and reconciled, and she thanked him again for his treatment plan and guidance over the past few months.

Attached is a photo of a dish, with a large yellow croaker lying horizontally on the plate, its skin golden and translucent.

"This is the first batch of mature large yellow croaker for the green fishery project that Lingjia and I are collaborating on. It's delicious. Dr. Xu, if you have the opportunity to return to China, we will definitely treat you to it."

Finally she wrote:

"But before that, I hope to have the opportunity to video chat with Dr. Xu and say thank you in person."

Xu Yichen quickly read the email, replied yes, and agreed to a time for a video call.

From a psychologist's perspective, he had no reason to refuse this reasonable request.

But what if it’s not just a psychiatrist’s perspective?

Ke Fan's email domain name is kf507383N02431E.

When he first received her email, out of curiosity, Xu Yichen put the string of numbers after kf into the browser to parse it.

The display is a string of coordinates.

He put the coordinates into a website dedicated to locating coordinates, and the moment he clicked the Enter key, a photo of the White Cliffs Lighthouse in the UK appeared on the screen.

The red and white lighthouse sits at the junction of the azure sea and the vast green fields, overlooking the vast ocean.

It stands there alone in the vast universe, lonely and determined.

His fingertips suddenly stopped, and his thoughts were instantly pulled back to that snowy winter in New York City.

*

(The following is the recollection part)

When he first agreed to treat Yi Lingjia, he had a little selfish motive of his own.

He wanted to know what it was like to grow up in China. What would it be like if I grew up in China?

When he became more mature in his work as a psychotherapist, he looked back and analyzed himself:

In fact, deep in his heart, that selfish desire is a desire for a resonance of soul.

As a second-generation immigrant and an outsider to American culture, his life has always been tinged with pain.

The heavy expectations of his parents and the unconscious exclusion of his classmates - no one can tell him what he should do.

The local friends around him had smooth and shallow lives, and he often felt that he was out of place.

He was like a traveler sailing alone in the dark night, moving forward in anxiety and fatigue.

It was also at that time that I began to like Woolf and the lighthouse she wrote about.

In the process of treating Yi Lingjia, he got to know Ke Fan better and better.

She would sit in the library all day long, she would refuse to confess her feelings in public, she was like a white sailboat on the sea, sailing firmly in the direction she wanted to go.

When he knew that she also liked the book "To the Lighthouse", a sudden tremor occurred in his soul.

It was like a traveler meeting a companion.

Someone is heading towards his own lighthouse with him.

During Yi Lingjia's seventh consultation, signs of emotional blockage became apparent again, and treatment was temporarily stagnant.

Xu Yichen consulted the professor of behavioral psychology again to discuss the next step.

The professor suggested that patients should get rid of items related to their concerns to reduce exposure.

He adopted this plan and decided to keep the items temporarily.

He sealed all the couple items given by Yi Lingjia in cardboard boxes and put them in the storage room.

As if by some strange coincidence, Ke Fan's ID photo was clipped into "To the Lighthouse". It has been on his desk in his office all these years.

Within reach.

But Xu Yichen never thought that there would be a day when he would be able to talk to the beautiful girl in the photo.

Even though he longed to see her countless times.

Ke Fan's first email was extremely polite and formal, explaining that he had obtained Yi Lingjia's contact information from a good friend of his and that Yi Lingjia's condition was getting worse and worse.

In conclusion, she wrote:

"If I am his inner pain, can I help with his treatment?"

Xu Yichen sat in his high-rise office in downtown New York, feeling the gravity of the wheel of fate rolling over his head.

After becoming an adult, the throbbing pain in my heart that rarely arises suddenly appears again.

She may not only be Yi Lingjia's heart knot.

Type the words on the keyboard and press the send button:

"Of course, we can work together to treat him."

(End of memory)

*

Xu Yichen stared at the chess endgame for a long time.

No matter what the next move is, he cannot make the situation better for White.

This is a losing game.

The pointer pointed to 10:57. Three minutes later, it was the video call time he and Ke Fan had agreed on.

His heartbeat quickened uncontrollably.

Ke Fan logged into the video software at 22:57, and three minutes later, she called on time.

After a few seconds of beeping, the screen over there flashed and a figure appeared under the backlight.

After a few seconds, the light and darkness were adjusted and the face on the screen gradually became clear.

But she is a delicate blonde girl with blue eyes and an American accent:

"I'm sorry, Ms. Ke, my boss just took a call and went out. He didn't have time to cancel the meeting with you, so I'll attend in your place. I apologize."

Ke Fan was a little surprised, but he didn't think much about it and said softly:

"It's okay. I just wanted to say thank you to Dr. Xu."

"Then I will definitely convey it to you."

Xu Yichen sat back at his desk a few seconds after the video call was disconnected.

Ba glanced at him obscurely, opened the door and went out without asking any more questions.

On the computer, his cursor remained in the dialog box with Ke Fan, which would always show his input and indicate his online identity.

The interval was so short that he really wanted to call back.

He already regretted running away.

Maybe he missed the only chance to talk to her in his life.

Xu Yichen stood up suddenly and looked at the blue decorative painting on the office wall.

Psychology believes that blue can calm people down. This was a painting I specially selected for the patient at the time. I never expected that one day I would need it urgently.

If a patient comes to him now and tells him that he has fallen in love with a woman he has never met.

Maybe he will calmly tell the patient that this is a pathological addiction and you need treatment.

But when it comes to me, it’s not that simple.

Twenty minutes later, he wrote in the chat box:

“Miss Ke,

I'm sorry I'm so busy today. My assistant has conveyed your thanks. It's late there, so there's no need for a video call.

I wish you all the best.”

The moment he pressed the Enter key, Xu Yichen took a deep breath to resist the pain like a needle prick.

He stared at the screen and suddenly felt like laughing.

He actually laughed, and the muffled laughter sounded like a sigh in the empty office.

What a frank and irrelevant chat record.

No one could see the vines growing wildly in his chest due to the pain.

Finally, just one sentence, best wishes.

No one else in the world will know about this feeling.

He couldn't help but take out the ID photo between the pages of the book and look at it.

The photo looked worn and rubbed, as if a layer of soft mist filter had been added to the girl.

Her already pure and beautiful facial features appear even more ethereal, like a fairy in the clouds, ethereal and out of reach.

He is a psychology expert and knows clearly that if you are destined not to have it, you should not indulge yourself in depravity.

Otherwise you will suffer in morbid obsession.

He has seen too many patients like this.

He shouldn't have, and couldn't have, been on that call.

"If I am his inner pain, can I help with his treatment?"

Ke Fan asked him this in the first email.

A few months later, he finally knew the answer.

No help.

Zugzwang. No matter which way you go, you are bound to lose.

This is also the only ending between Ke Fan and Xu Yichen.

Xu Yichen gently stroked the girl's cheek in the photo with his fingers for the last time, put the photo in the book "To the Lighthouse", and put it in the deepest part of the bookcase.

He probably won't read this book again.

It started to drizzle outside the window again.

The flowers and plants that were originally blooming colorfully in the courtyard in front of the building were wilted and fell in the rain. Although it was summer, it always felt a bit desolate.

Xu Yichen suddenly remembered a poem he had learned in Chinese school when he was a child.

I was too young at that time and only vaguely understood the general meaning, but the teacher’s sad face was always in my mind.

The green willows on the southern road are as silky as silk, and the willows are green and the orioles are singing in the late evening.

He always couldn't remember the second half of the sentence.

Xu Yichen opened the browser, typed in the first half of the sentence, and hit the Enter key.

Where does it hurt the most for tourists? When the flowers fall in the spring breeze of March.

The flowers have fallen.