Gu Wanlin, please.

I held her in my arms and stroked the back of her head repeatedly. "Gu Wanlin, you can't be so hard on yourself."

"You've said a lot. Why don't you rest for a bit and listen to me say a few words?"

"We can't live as if every meeting with each person is the last. No one can live with such a high level of emotional intensity. That's not how life is lived."

"My relationship with my parents isn't as perfect as you think. Do you think we never argue? And that we never say hurtful things when we argue? Everyone does, Gu Wanlin, believe me, everyone does. Otherwise, why would I have moved out of my parents' house?"

“I also need to establish boundaries with my parents and maintain a certain distance so that we can love each other better. I didn’t understand this before, but I gradually realized it after I started working.”

"That's how it is when you're in a family. Most of the time we love each other, sometimes we hurt each other, and we understand each other even if we don't say it out loud. Your parents won't blame you."

"No matter what happens the next day, if you are not feeling well, it is wrong for them to force you to do things you don't want to do or things you can't do yet, or to say things without considering your feelings. When you were a child, the way they educated you was also wrong. The right or wrong of these things has nothing to do with whether you said goodbye to them in the morning. Don't take all the problems on yourself."

She closed her eyes tightly, tears still clinging to the corners of her eyes.

"Do you think it's strange of me to say this? Sometimes I think, is it really for their own good? The accident happened so quickly, and they passed away without much pain. Otherwise, they wouldn't have been able to enjoy their retirement as planned, and they would have had to take care of and worry about me, this burden, while also facing their own declining health as they age. I don't even dare to think about what would happen if, in another ten or twenty years, I were still alive, and they were already very old and needed my care, but I wouldn't be able to do anything about it..."

I loosened my grip on her arms slightly, cupped her chin, and said, "Gu Wanlin, open your eyes and look at me."

“I do find it strange. I'm not talking about how you think about your parents, Gu Wanlin, you can't call yourself a burden. You're not anyone's burden. And what do you mean by ‘if you were still alive…’”

After letting her nestle in my arms for a while, when she finally looked up, I realized that her face was deathly pale and her forehead was covered in cold sweat. I reached down and found that her hand was pressed tightly against the stump of her right leg, trembling violently.

"Does your leg still hurt?"

She nodded very slightly, biting her lower lip. "Bring me my medicine. The dose I just took probably wasn't enough..."

I took her hand off my leg and placed it outside the blanket. "Sweetie, just bear with it for now, don't scratch yourself." I got up and helped her sit up to drink water and take her medicine.

Then we lay down again, and I helped her turn to lie on her other side, then wrapped my arms around her from behind.

"I'm really tired."

I hugged her tightly. "I know."

She chuckled softly, "Really?" Her voice was as light as a wisp of melancholy mist, and I felt like I was about to lose my grip on her.

I paused, then said, "If there's anything I don't know, you can tell me. I'm here, and I'll be listening."

“Some painkillers and anticonvulsants make me nauseous and vomit, while others irritate my stomach. You don’t know how long my doctor and I tried before we found one with acceptable side effects for me, but it still caused brain fog. I hate that the medication makes me think slowly, react slowly, and feel sleepy. I really hate it.”

“I’m often so tired that I just want to sleep for three days and three nights without caring about anything else, but that won’t work. If I don’t turn over every two or three hours, my whole body will rot away.”

“I’m almost thirty years old, and I can’t even use chopsticks to eat; I can’t grasp things properly; I can’t bathe or use the toilet by myself; I fall when transferring from the bed to the wheelchair, and when I fall, I can’t get up by myself and have to wait for someone to help me…”

She suddenly remembered something and smiled helplessly, "I can't even sit properly in a chair when we go out for a meal... I can't live a normal life anymore."

She was indeed bothered. When I was in a difficult position outside the barbecue restaurant, she only said that she was tired and should go home early. But like many things she mentioned in her heartfelt words today, she was bothered, but she just kept quiet about it.

"Why does everyone want me to be strong? No one understands how tired I am. I don't want to keep going like this..."

She murmured softly, repeating it again, "I really don't want to..."

"Thank you for caring for me and looking after me all this time. I was so ungrateful, taking all your kindness for nothing. We've been apart for so long, you don't owe me anything. From now on..."

She spoke with difficulty, "Don't waste any more time and energy on me. I just want you to live your own life well..."

The ward faced the street, and the curtains didn't block out much light. Occasionally, when a car drove by, a beam of light would sweep through the window and hit the walls, creating undulating shadows that made the room seem like a sea of ​​light and shadow. The room was so warm, yet she was ice-cold. I held her as we lay on the bed, feeling as if we were falling into icy water and sinking in the surging waves.

She wanted us all to let go of her hand; she was going to fall into the sea alone, yet she still wished me to live a good life.

I remembered when I called Jiang Yu after I first saw her, Jiang Yu was sobbing and said to me, "But how can we just stand by and do nothing to save her?"

Gu Wanlin, your friends can't, and I can't either.

I found her hand and held it tightly. "Gu Wanlin, I can't live my life properly if you're like this."

“You said a lot today, Gu Wanlin. Of course I feel heartbroken for you, but I also feel a little relieved. For the past few months, what I feared most was that you would keep everything to yourself. You were willing to speak out today, which is really good.”

“I won’t spout nonsense like others do, saying that life is still beautiful, because we all know that life is often not beautiful at all.”

“I know you work very hard and are very tired every day, but you have done a great job. It’s just that I think your parents may have been a little too eager for quick results in the past year due to their anxiety.”

“I believe that what Director Sun told me, he must have also told you. Those things that you can’t do right now may require you to find a different way to achieve them. It may be different from your previous habits of using your body. You will need to explore and learn new methods.”

“I know this is tough and difficult, and it will take some time, but you can do it. Your body has really suffered a serious injury, and it needs a long time to recover. Let’s give it more time and be more patient, okay?”

“Gu Wanlin, there is no such thing as normal in this world, no kind of life is normal, and no kind of body is normal. ‘Normal’ is just like ‘perfect’ or ‘typical’; it is a socially constructed concept. I believe you understand this principle. We discussed it together a long time ago. But when it happens to you, it’s hard for anyone to accept. I understand.”

"Who among the so-called 'sound' people doesn't have some kind of physical or mental health problem, big or small? And who can remain 'sound' forever? 'Sound' is just a temporary state. If we look at a person's life in the long run, we will all eventually experience 'imperfection'."

“I’m not trying to deny the pain you’re going through and overcoming. I’m just saying that ‘normal life’ is a flawed concept, so we don’t need to focus on it. We just need to adapt to the changes in your body and achieve the same goal in a different way. You can do what you could do in the past, and you can do it again.”

"I'm sure you've looked into what I've read, right? There are many people with injuries at your level, or even higher, who can still travel the world and try extreme sports like skiing and paragliding. But, Nannan, you need to give yourself some time and not be so hard on yourself, okay?"

"During this process, you may still need help from others for a period of time, but only in this way can we protect your body and allow it to recover slowly in the best possible condition. Please don't let something like this happen again. After you are discharged from the hospital, can we have a caregiver stay with you for a while? This will make it easier to pick you up and drop you off at rehabilitation."

“I know this process will be a bit long, and there will be many difficulties to overcome. Don’t be afraid, I will always be with you. You don’t like living with the caregiver, I can move in with you for a while to help you adjust. I know you are very tired, and I understand if you don’t want to continue. Don’t feel that even I don’t want to understand you…”

“I admit that it’s selfish of me to ask this of you, but could you please wait a little longer? Perhaps when you’re able to do more things on your own, your thoughts will be different from now.”

"Don't push me away from you again, don't leave me all alone, Gu Wanlin, please..."

I gritted my teeth and squeezed out the last three words. The regret and pain of losing her, and the loneliness and fear of not being able to hold onto her, the past and the present intertwined and wove into a fine, thorny vine, which wrapped around my heart and then tightened suddenly.

I felt so much pain that I forgot how to breathe. I pressed my face against the back of her neck, a burning sensation in my throat turning into an uncontrollable sob. Hot, wet tears spilled from the corners of my eyes and slid down her skin onto the sheets.

Actually, I cried many times after meeting her again, but this is the first time I've let her see it.

Gu Wanlin knew what this meant. I bet all my dignity tonight on her, hoping she still cared about me.

She trembled, and hurriedly reached out to touch my face, her arm twisting awkwardly.

I held her from behind. She twisted her shoulders in my arms, trying to turn over, but it was too difficult for her to turn from lying on her side to lying flat and then to lying on her side facing me. No matter how much her shoulders rubbed against the sheets, her body below her waist remained dead still and motionless.

She sighed deeply, "Aqing, don't cry. I... I can't see you..."

I helped her turn over so she was facing me.

She continued to sigh, raising her hand to touch my face and wipe away my tears. Her fingers were also icy cold, loosely curled, and softly brushed against my face.

I looked into her gentle, serene eyes, like a still pool of water. "Gu Wanlin, you've said everything you needed to say to me, and you have no regrets. But if, if you really... do you think I didn't have anything I wanted to tell you but didn't have time to say, and that I'd regret it for the rest of my life?"

“Even long after we broke up, I still think about you often. When I eat something delicious while out, I wonder why we never ate it together before; when I see breathtaking natural scenery while traveling, I wish we had seen it together before; even when I see a strangely shaped pink cloud in the sky, I want to take a picture with my phone and share this wonderful moment with you.”

"When we first broke up, I thought that as time went by, I would think of you less and less. But it seems that's not the case, Gu Wanlin. I feel that I can't forget you now. I won't forget you even when I'm eighty years old."

“I used to think you were doing well out there, and maybe you had met a lover who was more suitable for you and would cherish you. At first, I would feel sad when I thought about this, but after a while I felt that as long as you are living well somewhere on Earth, and I can think of you often like this, I will feel at ease.”

"But I never imagined you had suffered so much. After I first saw you, I called Jiang Yu. I only regretted that I didn't know sooner."

"You have no idea how scared I was when I saw you lying unconscious on the ground yesterday. I thought you..."

I couldn't say anything more and covered my face to weep.

Gu Wanlin pulled my hand away, gently stroked my face, and continued to wipe away my tears. "Don't be afraid. I'm alright."

Suddenly, a bright light pierced the night outside the window, followed by the ringing of New Year's bells, showering the sky with a dazzling array of colors. I checked my watch; it was exactly midnight.

"Gu Wanlin, Happy New Year. Everything will be better in the new year." I held her hand tightly. I couldn't let her fall into the cold sea alone. "Gu Wanlin, don't give up yet. Let's try again, okay? After you're discharged from the hospital, let the caregiver come and help you recover. I can stay with you. Let's try again together, okay? Promise me."

Gu Wanlin lowered his eyes and after a long while, he said softly, "Okay."

I was so happy that I hugged her tightly and secretly kissed her hair. I only dared to kiss her hair.

Gu Wanlin said it was true that the drug made her drowsy; the effects took hold soon after, and she fell into a deep sleep. Looking at her peaceful sleeping face, I found myself completely wide awake.

There's something else, something we both tacitly avoided mentioning, and I truly felt it wasn't the right time to bring it up. Right now, all I want is for her to get better. But I can't help but keep thinking about the day she fainted and asked me, "Didn't you say you wanted to break up with me? Why did you come back?"

It was indeed I who broke up with her in the end. But before that, she had already tried to break up with me many times.