I chose it myself.

I listened to the phlegm sound coming from deep in her throat after her short gasp and asked her, "Can you get it out by yourself?"

She took a deep breath, craned her neck and tried her best, then shook her head helplessly.

I got up to pat Gu Wanlin's back, cleaned her up, and gave her some water. When I got back into bed, I helped her turn over and pulled her into my arms. Gu Wanlin buried her head in my chest, her soft hair brushing against my chin and neck, like a fluffy little animal.

I knew this was a position that would make her feel safe. I learned my lesson and whenever I made physical contact with her, I only touched areas of her body that she could feel, hoping to make her as relaxed as possible.

"What were you about to say? Nannan, I'm listening."

"I'm so tired, Qing."

"If you're tired, just go to sleep. We can talk about it later." I stroked the hair behind her neck.

“That’s not what I meant. I meant that I’ve been really tired this past year.”

"When the paramedics arrived, they did a preliminary check on me, which involved touching my body and asking if I could feel anything. I didn't understand what they meant at the time. When I heard keywords like 'suspected spinal cord injury,' I was almost losing consciousness. My last thought was, 'Okay, if that's the case, it's not so bad to die now.'"

“But I didn’t. When I woke up, I found myself connected to many machines all over my body. The most uncomfortable thing was the tracheotomy in my neck. It’s the scar you can see above my collarbone now. The doctor explained to me that in the early stages of acute injury, delayed breathing difficulties can occur, but this is temporary.”

"I was actually a little relieved at the time, thinking that not being able to feel my body was also temporary and that I would recover quickly."

"But you know, the doctors there say what they mean. They won't tell you white lies to give you false hope. The doctor showed me my X-rays and explained that spinal cord injury assessment is an ongoing process, with multiple examinations over the next few months. However, based on the extent of the injury, they believed that the possibility of a temporary incomplete injury was relatively low."

"He only mentioned my leg at the end, saying they were sorry, but that it would be life-threatening if I didn't have an amputation."

"I was lying in bed at the time, and for the first time I felt so clearly what living in a second language meant to me. I realized that if I didn't want to listen, I could completely block out the doctor's voice. I didn't hear a single word he said after that. I thought to myself, what is this? I don't want to understand it at all. Now I just need to close my eyes and sleep again, and I can get rid of this nightmare."

She chuckled softly, "Then the nurse gently patted my face and asked if I needed language translation services. They didn't even give me time to dream."

"My parents didn't arrive until a week later."

She nuzzled my collarbone and said, "Qing, don't think I'm a bad person just because I'm telling you this."

I hugged her tightly. "I won't. Gu Wanlin, of course you won't."

“Aqing, my relationship with my parents is not as close as yours with your parents. I haven’t been able to rely on them emotionally for a long, long time.”

“After my parents came, I sometimes felt angry. Because even my time to be depressed was taken away and I was forced to become a caregiver again.”

“My friends have helped a lot, but my parents don’t speak the language very well. I can’t just wallow in self-pity and ignore them. I’m worried about everything: where they live, what they eat, how they get to the hospital every day, how they live outside of visiting hours, and how they see doctors and get prescriptions for their chronic illnesses that require long-term management.”

“Although the hospital has Chinese translation services, it’s impossible for them to be with our family 24 hours a day. Many times, I have to translate what the doctors, nurses, and rehabilitation therapists say to them.”

“I was forced to lie in bed for a long time, and it wasn’t until more than two months later that I was able to pick up my phone again. I had plenty of time to think about many things. One day I thought of a passage from my old Chinese textbook, where Shi Tiesheng wrote that after he became paralyzed, his temper became violent and unpredictable, and he often smashed things. As I was thinking about it, I laughed so hard that I almost choked to death.”

"My parents were terrified and asked me what I was laughing at."

“I can’t say it. Because I’m angry. I laughed like that because I was furious. I don’t even have a pair of intact hands. I don’t have the ability to smash things, nor do I have the right to vent my anger on the people around me. If I vent my anger on my parents and ignore them, who else can they rely on?”

"Aqing, I'm really tired. I feel like I need to be responsible for them, but who will be responsible for me?"

"Two months later, the doctor came over one day with a solemn expression. I knew what he was going to say before he even opened his mouth. During those two months, every examination result was the same. I felt that my arm was slowly recovering, but I couldn't feel anything below my collarbone. There was no sign of improvement at all. He said, 'Ms. Gu, I'm very sorry, but from now on, we need to seriously consider whether your injury is complete.'"

“He brought over a form. That form was like a verdict for my future life. He explained to me which muscles I still had motor function, and what reasonable expectations I should have for myself for daily activities that even a six-year-old can do independently, from small things like breathing, eating, and dressing, to big things like going to the toilet, taking a bath, and getting transferred. He also explained which of my needs could be improved through rehabilitation training and which I would have to rely on others for care. He made it clear and distinct, leaving no room for wishful thinking.”

“My parents made the decision for me, saying that once I could sit longer, at least until the plane took off and landed, they would take me back to China to continue my rehabilitation. In the end, it took me half a year to ‘be able to sit longer’.”

“What opinions could I possibly have? Back then, I had to be fed, and I was like an object being moved around. When I stared out the window or at the ceiling without saying a word, my parents would be terrified. But what was there to be so nervous about? If I had the ability to climb onto the windowsill and jump off, or hang myself from the ceiling, that would be a medical miracle.”

Gu Wanlin's voice was nasal, and I could feel that her clothes were soaked with tears.

"After I came back, relatives came to visit me in waves. But after seeing my miserable state, they would sigh and lament for a while, and then give me a long talk about being optimistic and strong. Some even cried their eyes out in front of me."

“I’m so fed up. Ah Qing, sometimes I feel like I’ve become a decoration in an exhibition hall, for people to come and go. Their emotions are so light and cheap compared to the pain I have to endure, I don’t want to deal with them at all.”

“But I don’t even have the right to refuse. Where can I go? I don’t even have the ability to leave home on my own. My parents said that everyone comes to visit you because they care about you. How can you not understand these social niceties?”

"I almost laughed out of anger. No one even asked me if I wanted to live like this, and they expect me to take care of the feelings of the people who come to visit me?"

“Aqing, I’ve told you before. My relationship with my parents is very strained. I don’t doubt that we love each other very much, but I don’t feel that they understand me or know me. I can’t feel close to them.”

“When I had the accident, my parents were two years away from retirement. They had planned to go on a road trip and enjoy life. Then suddenly I became a burden, preventing them from going anywhere.”

“My mom even took early retirement to stay home and take care of me. I strongly objected to this, but she said, ‘Linlin, how can I leave you in peace now that you’re like this? When you were a baby, I fed you rice cereal spoonful by spoonful and changed your diapers one by one. I could take care of you like that back then, and I can do it now.’”

She nestled into my arms, her arms wrapped tightly around my waist.

“But babies grow up quickly. Who is almost thirty years old and can’t even feed themselves anymore?”

I patted her head. "Gu Wanlin, don't talk nonsense. You're eating very well right now."

She said in a muffled voice, "I haven't forgotten how I ate breakfast this morning. You don't need to comfort me like that."

"So many times I can't bear it, I feel so sorry for them. They've worked hard for most of their lives, and just when they're about to start enjoying life, their only adult child becomes almost completely disabled, depriving them of all freedom for the rest of their lives."

I sighed, "Gu Wanlin, you can't think like that. It's not your fault that something happened. How can you say that you deprived them of their freedom?"

She pressed her forehead against my collarbone.

“It doesn’t matter how you say it, but that’s the truth. I don’t want to keep them tied up with me all the time, so I only let caregivers do those tedious nursing tasks. I told my parents to do what they’re supposed to do, like before, to go fishing, to parties, and to hang out with friends around the neighborhood on weekends.”

“But how could they allow it? They said they felt so guilty seeing me lying there suffering, and as parents they couldn’t do anything about it, they were going crazy. How could they let me go off and have fun? Even when I was getting an IV drip, my parents would keep a close eye on me and wouldn’t even sit down, afraid that they might accidentally cause my blood to flow back up and my hands would be so bruised that there was nowhere left to insert the needle.”

"Actually, it was painful for both of us to be watching over me like this, never leaving my side."

I held her tightly. The traumatic aftershocks of this sudden car accident affected not only Gu Wanlin, but also her entire family.

“Ah Qing, when everyone is in great pain and can’t bear it anymore, it’s like a flood bursting its banks, and it’s easy to vent on each other.”

"So we would argue. Just the night before my parents had the accident."

“I was in a very bad state that day. Since the injury, I haven’t slept a full night. I didn’t sleep at all the night before and stayed awake until dawn, but I won’t tell my parents about this. At the rehabilitation center, I hadn’t even completed half of the training goals. That day, the therapist also had me try to sit on the training bed by myself without wearing a prosthesis. This training is called long-leg sitting balance training. Only by learning to sit like this can I learn other self-care skills, such as how to dress myself in bed.”

I thought to myself, no wonder. No wonder she's often drowsy during the day and always looks exhausted. No wonder the caregiver said that when she came in the morning, Gu Wanlin was always leaning against the wall reading. No wonder when I was with her last night, she looked like she'd been awake for a long time when I got up. This was nothing like the first time I accompanied her to the hospital for a follow-up appointment, when she casually said, "I didn't sleep very well," before entering the psychiatric clinic.

"Actually, I still can't do it. It's really difficult for me. Others can do it if they're injured in the same spot because they at least have two legs to maintain their balance and provide support, but I don't. As soon as the person supporting me lets go, I fall to the right. The rehabilitation therapist also said that there's no need to rush this. I can strengthen my physical strength and try a few more times. If I really can't do it, then I'll think of other alternatives."

“My dad was very unhappy when I left the rehabilitation center. But I really didn’t care why he was unhappy at that time. If I hadn’t been strapped in with a seatbelt, I probably wouldn’t have been able to sit in the wheelchair.”

"After I got home, I went to bed. When my dad came to call me for dinner, all I wanted to do was sleep. I really didn't have the strength to sit up and eat. I was even more afraid that if I forced myself to eat, I would throw up all over myself. I really hate it when I'm all messed up and have to wait for someone to come and clean me up, like I'm some kind of object."

“I was feeling really down and didn’t want to see my dad’s face, so I got a bit grumpy. I told him I didn’t want to eat, but I won’t starve if I skip a meal, so could he just leave me alone?”

“My dad thought I was just tired from doing rehabilitation and was throwing a tantrum. He got angry and said, ‘Gu Wanlin, look at yourself! You can’t even handle this little bit of hard work. What will you be able to do in the future?’”

“Ah Qing. I know I have this bad habit. When I'm sad, I really say hurtful things. I thought I had changed a lot, but I found out that night that I hadn't.”

Gu Wanlin's voice gradually trembled again. She tried to straighten her upper body and press herself closer to me. I reached out and pulled her body tightly into my arms.

“I really said some terrible things. These days, every night when I lie in bed, I keep thinking back to that night and regret why I couldn’t control my emotions.”

I rested my chin on the top of her head and wrapped my arm around the back of her head. "It's okay, sweetheart."

“I gave my dad a cold laugh and said that I would be unable to do anything in the future. If you can’t accept the fact that your daughter is now just a cripple and can no longer be used to show off to others, you can just throw me out on the street and let me fend for myself, just like you did to me when I didn’t get first place in my class when I was a child.”

“I also said…don’t they bear any responsibility for how I ended up like this? If they hadn’t been so strict with me since I was a child, leaving me with so many psychological scars, if I could have been happy and content at home, and considered home a safe haven, would I have gone to live so far away abroad after I became an adult and never wanted to come back? If I had come back, would I have gotten into a car accident?”

“Aqing, it’s not fair of me to say this. I just reacted a bit after hearing my dad say, ‘What can you do in the future?’ I’ve heard that so many times since I was little, so at that moment I didn’t care about anything and wanted to vent all my pain on him. Going abroad to study and then staying to work was my own decision, based on my own career development. It actually had little to do with them. On the contrary, they have always been very supportive of me in every way.”

“My dad stood in the room for a long time, didn’t say anything, and then went out. When he gently closed the door, he told me that if I didn’t want to eat, I could just call us later if I got hungry. But I saw that his eyes were red. Ah Qing, this is the first time in my life that I’ve ever seen my dad cry.”

"The next day, my parents were going out to run some errands. When they came to my room to say goodbye, the caregiver had just arrived, and I hadn't gotten up yet. My dad touched my forehead and apologized to me, saying that he hadn't meant to be mean to me the day before, and that it was his fault for not being considerate of my physical condition."

“He said that sometimes he and his mother get very anxious, afraid that one day they will be gone and no one will take care of me. He just hopes that I can learn to take care of myself as soon as possible before that happens. But he told me not to worry now, that he has recently started working out, and that he and his mother are in good health and can take care of me for a long time. He asked me if I could forgive him.”

“Ah Qing, I forgave you in my heart. But I didn’t say it out loud. This morning was when I was at my weakest. Even lying down, I felt dizzy, nauseous, and had chest tightness. I thought to myself, okay, this topic is too tiring to talk about, let’s talk about it later. Plus, I was still a little awkward, so I didn’t say anything.”

"They were in a hurry to leave, and at the end they sounded really embarrassed, saying goodbye, 'Mom and Dad are leaving now, tell us what you want to eat later, and we'll make it for you when we get back.'"

"Even if I hadn't said it aloud that I had forgiven them, I could have at least said goodbye, or told them to be careful when they left, or even just nodded. But I didn't say anything. I just glanced at them and closed my eyes to rest."

"And then they never came back."

"If my car accident was an unavoidable force majeure, then who can I blame for the final state of my relationship with my parents, for not having the chance to say goodbye to them, and for letting them leave with regrets for owing me? I can't even blame the unpredictability of fate. It wasn't that fate forcibly deprived me of this opportunity; it was my own choice not to accept it."

"I didn't want it myself."