The most important person appeared in the very beginning of my life.

Back then, we were like a couple who eloped without telling the world. The summer before Gu Wanlin went abroad, she came to the city where I was interning, a city with frequent rain and typhoons. She spent two simple but incredibly happy months with me. Then, separation quietly came.

Gu Wanlin was afraid, and so was I.

But upon further reflection, I realized that my fear was quite vague due to my optimism and ignorance, which came from nowhere. I was just subconsciously afraid of the thought that "perhaps with Gu Wanlin leaving, we won't be able to survive the long-distance relationship and will separate."

I thought too little and did even less back then. I always felt that our relationship had been perfected through trials and tribulations. We had even gone through the most difficult times for couples, such as traveling and living together, without any arguments. What difficulties could there be?

I was too young then to realize that no matter how much Gu Wanlin and I loved each other, our love was still very fragile. It was a miracle we created by chance.

But a chance miracle is merely the beginning of a stable and intimate relationship. I had never thought about how to transition love from a chance encounter to a steadfast commitment at that time.

Gu Wanlin and I finally broke up after about a year of being in different countries. During that year, we went through a near-breakup every two or three months, and I was the one who initiated the last two breakups, while she was the one who initiated the earlier ones.

Two years after our breakup, Gu Wanlin called me. She said she had made many efforts to explore herself in those two years, and looking back on the year we went through together, filled with pain and tears, she belatedly gained new insights and reflections. She had some things she wanted to tell me, but she didn't know if I still wanted to hear them. If I had already decided to let go of the past and only look forward, then consider it her abrupt interruption.

Of course I want to hear it; I'm going crazy wanting to hear her voice.

Gu Wanlin said on the phone that if she could do it all over again, she might not be able to do better. Sometimes, what plays tricks on people is the helplessness of timing and fate.

I feel the same way.

Once she left, she didn't even have time to adapt to her new life before she had to start endless, fierce competition. Every second she had to compare herself to others, and she dared not relax even for a moment, fearing that all her efforts over the past ten years would be in vain at the last moment.

On the other hand, I was also in my final year of graduation. My summer internship hadn't been converted into a full-time position as I had hoped, so I had to spend every day going to interviews in the city center while struggling with my coursework and thesis.

Gu Wanlin has always held himself to high standards, and so have I.

Life is never like that year we spent together, constantly on edge like a string about to snap. In reality, we only experience things like that a few times in our lives. But it just so happens that we were both at that point in time, separated by more than ten hours and half the globe.

Gu Wanlin and I never have heated arguments. When we both feel that continuing the argument might hurt each other, we tacitly stop and suggest that we cool off for a while and then disconnect for a few days.

We apologized to each other because we understood each other's sadness and pain during the period of no contact, and we made up, leaving the past behind.

Until the next time.

Later I felt that we might as well vent our anger and have a heated argument. Maybe that would be a healthier way to handle conflict than to keep our grievances and sadness to ourselves.

My first conflict with Gu Wanlin came much earlier than I expected, less than two months after we said goodbye at the airport.

The cause of the incident was trivial. After dating her for a year and a half, I felt that my passion had gradually faded, and my relationship with her was more like that of family. In addition, I was busy looking for a job, so naturally I didn't care about her as much as I did during the honeymoon phase.

Gu Wanlin is emotionally sensitive and inevitably has high expectations for relationships, which she finds difficult to accept.

Starting with small things, I realized that Gu Wanlin had another problem hidden in her heart: Gu Wanlin felt uneasy. If the two months of separation had already cooled our feelings, she was eager to know what my plans were for our future.

She said that after this summer, she was very certain that her greatest desire was to be with me for a long time and to live with me after graduation.

She asked me, "Don't you want to?"

Of course I'd like to, but I'm not really keen on implementing it as early as she suggested.

Regarding Gu Wanlin's career plans, she has several options for where her first job will be located, the worst being to return home. I don't want her to make a decision that is detrimental to her own development just for the sake of our relationship.

Of course, I must admit I had my own selfish motives. I can't imagine the heavy moral debt I would bear if she actually did it. If we still can't stay together in the future, will she regret it? Will she resent me?

On the other hand, the timeframe she mentioned was far too short. If it were a year, I wouldn't even be ready to discuss my relationship with her with my family right after graduation, let alone move out and live with her to start our own little family.

What if my parents can't accept it? Can I cut ties with them for Gu Wanlin? Honestly, I don't know.

I couldn't understand why she was so eager; we were both still so young. Of course, I also longed to live with her, to have the kind of cohabitation we joked about, with cats and dogs, but at the time I couldn't give her a definite commitment about the timing, and I didn't want to deceive her on such matters.

I think for the best for both of us, we could maintain this long-distance relationship for a few years, and when we're both more mature, things might just fall into place naturally.

Gu Wanlin couldn't understand it either. In her view, we were already in a state of extreme uncertainty. Since the initial passion had begun to fade and we lacked a shared vision for the future, how could this relationship continue?

During a phone call two years after our breakup, Gu Wanlin brought up the biggest unresolved conflict between us again. To my surprise, the first thing she did was apologize to me.

She said she only understood things after the breakup, and after understanding, she was extremely remorseful and wanted to explain herself properly and apologize to me no matter what.

Gu Wanlin said that at that stage of her life, she was only focused on rushing forward. Many of the wounds from the past were hidden very deeply and concealed. There were so many things to say, so many messy and confusing things, that she couldn't explain them clearly. She was in a state of chaos and was so blind that she didn't even know or care about her own pain.

The reason she was so eager to start a family with me was because being with me finally allowed her to experience a family life where she could completely relax, be encouraged, recognized, and unconditionally accepted and embraced. It was as if a piece that had been missing from her life's puzzle since childhood had finally been filled in.

She desperately wanted to live with me and become family without blood ties.

She smiled and said, "But this is ultimately a problem I need to solve myself. The root of the problem lies in my relationship with my parents, so how can I expect you to take responsibility for it? I was too selfish of me to force you to separate from your family right after graduation just for my own sake."

She said, "Qing, I was really happy when I was with you. Even though we've separated, I still feel that meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. I want you to know this no matter what."

She heard me crying on the phone and gently comforted me, "Oh, why are you crying?"

I forced myself to remain calm and said, "Don't you think this is something to cry about?"

What pains me most is that no matter how many times I think back, I always agree with Gu Wanlin's words. If I were to go back to that year, I don't know how I could have done better.

That was an age of utter helplessness, before I'd even left school. I tended to exaggerate the difficulties I imagined and underestimate the importance of relationships. I always felt that important people would appear at every stage of my life, and that many more faces awaited us.

Yet they fail to realize that no one can replace the person they have lost, and the most important person actually appears in the very beginning of their lives.

We had a cold war for a few days. During that time, I repeatedly failed in the final stage of interviews. Even though I usually have a strong sense of self-confidence, I couldn't help but feel disheartened after failing repeatedly in the external evaluation system.

I miss Gu Wanlin, but every night when I lie in my dorm bed and see the chat history that ended a few days ago, I see her confidence in this relationship wavering, and she even begins to doubt whether the two of us are suitable. I can't even cry without feeling particularly suppressed.

Although I still cannot answer the questions she raises, I am afraid of being abandoned by her.

Therefore, when Gu Wanlin came to inquire about the minor physical ailments I had developed under the pressure, the fear of losing her gripped me instantly. I was terrified that after her concern, the next second she would inform me that, after careful consideration, she felt we were indeed not suitable for each other and that we should just remain friends.

She actually said similar things a few times during our adjustment period, but back then I didn't love her as deeply as I do now. Plus, we quickly got along and entered a passionate relationship, so I've forgotten about it for a long time.

But now, that familiar fear has returned. We inevitably have to go back to the topics that were previously stalled.

Gu Wanlin asked me, "Then what should we do?"

I spoke with difficulty, "Gu Wanlin, don't break up with me. Although I don't have the answer to your question yet, can we put it aside for now? Maybe if we work together, we'll find a way."

"Please don't break up with me, don't leave me alone, please."

When I joked with her, I would kick her to get takeout or ask her to do chores for me, and she would always act like a spoiled child, constantly begging me. But when I actually pleaded with her out of unbearable fear, it felt as if my dignity had vanished completely, a guillotine was hanging over my neck, and my life depended entirely on whether Gu Wanlin had a shred of pity for me.

Gu Wanlin is a very proud person, and so am I.

I don't like this.

I suddenly remembered that during the adjustment period, when she doubted that we were compatible, I also begged her to give me another chance, promising to try my best to meet her expectations.

As spring approached, the anxieties Gu Wanlin felt due to external factors deepened, inevitably spilling over into her reflections on our relationship. She told me too little; separated by distance, I couldn't truly understand. Perhaps I should be more honest with myself, even if I sensed something, like noticing that Gu Wanlin hadn't slept after saying goodnight to me late at night, and I guessed she might have been suffering from insomnia.

But I really felt powerless; there was nothing I could do for her, so I dared not and did not want to ask her again.

I feel tired.

For a while, I was even afraid to see Gu Wanlin's messages before going to sleep, because for me it meant another sleepless night soaked in tears. Because that was her morning, and sometimes after a whole night of insomnia, those unresolved issues that had accumulated in the past would be brought up again, and she would start to doubt whether the two of us were suitable for each other.

And my long, sleepless night is about to begin.

I've started to feel that we can no longer bring each other happiness when we're together.

There's an English expression called "go sour," which I think perfectly describes our relationship during that period. Although we still loved each other, the love exhausted us, and perhaps even fueled resentment; the relationship had stopped bringing us joy.

Perhaps it's not that we're incompatible, but rather that we're not suited for a relationship separated by thousands of miles. Gu Wanlin is emotionally sensitive, and the most suitable lover for her is someone who can be by her side, respond to her promptly, and embrace all her emotions like the sea.

Was that me? I started to doubt myself.

The reality is that neither of us would disregard love for the sake of love. I can't give up everything to chase after her abroad, and she won't give up the great opportunity she just found to come back immediately if I don't give up my definite promise to live together right away.

How much longer can our relationship wait? To reassure Gu Wanlin, who is more prone to anxiety than I am, I can only repeat in vain, "We won't separate," but I have already lost faith.

Gu Wanlin is perceptive; she began to notice the change in my attitude. She became more cautious with me, speaking to me less and being more polite. Our relationship could never return to what it was before, which made me feel incredibly uncomfortable as well.

We hesitated time and time again, considered breaking up time and time again, but because we couldn't bear the pain of breaking up, we chose to give the relationship another chance.

In the end, Gu Wanlin was braver than me. She asked me if we should think about it one last time whether our problems could be resolved. If they could be resolved, we could come up with a concrete solution; if not, we shouldn't continue to cause each other pain.

The next day, after a long silence, the first thing she heard me say was, "I feel like we can't go on together anymore."

Gu Wanlin must be very disappointed in me. She wasn't as emotional as last time, and she didn't mention how she viewed our relationship. She sounded extremely tired, and she said okay.

Before she hung up the phone, she asked me, "Did we break up because we didn't love each other anymore?"

I said no. But it seems that love alone can't sustain us going on together.

And so we parted ways. Much easier than we had initially thought.

After that, we tried to cut off all contact, but only superficially. The first thing I did every morning when I woke up was to check all her social media accounts; I couldn't break the habit. In a phone call two years after the breakup, she admitted that she had the same problem.

After a while, we both started trying to date other people.

This actually causes me even more pain. I understand that everyone is unique, and I take dating very seriously. I'm not looking for someone to replace Gu Wanlin, but I can't help but think of Gu Wanlin and miss everything related to her. Sometimes I meet people I have a slight liking for, but that liking always stops at a superficial level. After getting to know them better, I quickly lose interest.

No one is Gu Wanlin, no one is like her. I have never loved anyone else the way I loved Gu Wanlin, but I have already lost her.

When Gu Wanlin called me two years after our breakup, I had just met Qiao Qi at a friend's gathering. She was studying directing, and we hit it off immediately. However, we were only in the stage of hanging out together and occasionally flirting, far from being exclusive dating.

I admit, my behavior was terrible. At the time, I was still thinking about Gu Wanlin, and I continued to check her social media accounts every day, even accidentally liking her post. Gu Wanlin said that it was through this that she realized I was still paying attention to her life, and only then did she have the courage to ask me if I wanted to talk.

She said she felt that we were both in too much pain when we broke up, and there were some things we couldn't say properly. She would feel very regretful if she never had the chance to say them to me again in this lifetime.

Gu Wanlin said she wanted me to know that she could never say too many times how much she cherished and appreciated me and our intimate relationship. She also wanted me to know about the things she had hurt me in the past due to her lack of self-control and introspection, especially her frequent doubts about our compatibility, which undermined our shared faith in the relationship. Although her apology now wouldn't undo the damage, she still hoped I could understand and forgive her.

I told Gu Wanlin, "Don't say that. I've received so much from you, but I've done so little for you. I should be asking for your forgiveness."

She laughed and said, "Then let's wipe the slate clean of our past."

We talked on the phone for three hours, as if we had traveled back in time to the days when we could talk about anything and chat on the phone until our phones died. I was reluctant to end the call.

She finally told me, "I've seen you dating someone else lately. I hope you meet someone more suitable for you than me. I still want you to be happy more than anyone else."

She didn't even say goodbye to me.

She came to say goodbye; we will never see each other again.

That's what we all thought back then. It wasn't until three years later, five years after we broke up, that I saw her in the respiratory ward of the hospital where Li You worked.

I used to think this was a cliché, but in the end I couldn't help but become one of those clichés myself. It was only after the pain and regret following our breakup that I realized who I truly loved.

I want to hold Gu Wanlin tight; I never want to leave her side again.

It wouldn't make sense for me to disappear from home inexplicably on the first day of the Lunar New Year. Fortunately, my parents and grandparents aren't the type to get up early, so I still had time to wait for Sister Zhang to come to the hospital, hand Gu Wanlin over to her, and then go home.

Gu Wanlin woke up early, just in time for Sister Zhang to arrive. I confirmed with her the things we had discussed yesterday: first, whether Sister Zhang would be willing to come and work as a full-time caregiver at her home; and second, that I would move in with her.

Regarding this matter, although I did have my own selfish motives, putting aside the fact that Gu Wanlin had always resisted living with the caregiver, even if she didn't mind, I would still be worried. During the time I've been dealing with Sister Zhang, apart from being a bit talkative, she's been quite diligent and responsible in her work, but living with Gu Wanlin 24 hours a day is a different story.

I don't want to assume the worst about others, but I can't help but worry that over time, someone like Gu Wanlin, who has no family living with her and lacks awareness of most of her body, might be taken for granted and bullied. She doesn't seem to care much about herself, so if something really happens, she probably won't find anyone to stand up for her.

Gu Wanlin nodded in agreement to both matters.

After Sister Zhang arrived, we brought up both of these matters with her. Sister Zhang had already confirmed that she could handle the former, and since Gu Wanlin offered a higher-than-market rate, she naturally accepted it happily. For the latter, fearing she might overthink it, we simply said that my rent was due soon and I hadn't found a suitable new place, so I was temporarily staying in the empty guest room at Gu Wanlin's house.

Sister Zhang looked mysterious and said, "You don't need to explain to Xiao Gu and Xiao Shen, I understand."

What does she know? Of course I know.

After massaging Gu Wanlin's stiff body from a night's sleep, Sister Zhang took out a medicine from the cabinet. "Little Gu, you need to..."

Then she turned to me and said, "Xiao Shen, could you do me a favor if you're free? The toilets in the hospital only have handrails, which aren't really suitable for Xiao Gu. If he can't sit up, I might not be able to manage it by myself."

Gu Wanlin glanced at me quickly, her face flushed. I ruffled her hair. "Don't be nervous, it's okay."

Bowel dysfunction is a hidden problem for every paraplegic patient. Gu Wanlin has been extremely self-disciplined in this regard, carefully calculating the timing and amount of dietary fiber and water intake each day, and also adopting intermittent fasting. Most of the time, things go smoothly; after taking the medication, he can go to the toilet after a short wait, although it takes a little longer afterwards.

She has a special wheelchair at home for using the toilet and showering. The middle section can be detached and placed on the toilet seat. She sits on it, and since the wheelchair has a backrest, it's not too uncomfortable for her even after such a long time. However, the wheelchair is inconvenient to carry, so she didn't bring it to the hospital.

Sister Zhang turned Gu Wanlin onto her side to administer the medication. Gu Wanlin, blushing, told me to leave.

When Sister Zhang called me in again, she and Gu Wanlin were already in the bathroom.

Gu Wanlin sat there in a very awkward position. Even with her hands on the handrails on either side of the toilet, it wasn't enough to stabilize her upper body. With no support behind her, she swayed unsteadily, her head unable to lift, and looked on the verge of falling forward. Sister Zhang frantically tried to support her upper body, completely neglecting her unbalanced lower body. Although her left foot was on the ground, her knee was twisted somewhere, causing her body to tilt further to the left.

I rushed forward to steady her upper body, letting her lean on me so that Sister Zhang could free up her hands to do what she needed to do. Finally, I positioned Gu Wanlin correctly and started massaging her lower abdomen.

Normally, I can dawdle in the bathroom for half an hour or so playing on my phone, but today the time seemed to drag on exceptionally long. Gu Wanlin was extremely uncomfortable sitting like that, and after a while, her face looked rather pale, and fine beads of sweat appeared on her forehead. To distract her, I thought I'd talk to her and ask her what preparations she needed to make if I moved in with her.

She said, "Just bring your bags and move in. What else do you need to prepare? Do you want to renovate my house for me?"

I wouldn't call it renovation; I did have some other ideas in mind.

Gu Wanlin's home has undergone extremely meticulous barrier-free renovations, even the bathtub in the bathroom has been changed to a walk-in style, which is extremely rare in China but very convenient for her.

This time, however, Gu Wanlin fell in the bedroom but left her phone in the living room. Although Zhang Jie and I will be moving into her house soon, she definitely wouldn't want to install a camera to prevent this from happening again. So I thought it would be better to install a smart home system for her, so that she can wake up a smart speaker from anywhere in the house to connect to her phone and make calls. That way, if she needs help, she can just ask.

I asked her what she thought, and she said she had no opinion.

"I'm about to live with Gu Wanlin." Although it's not the first time, just thinking about it makes my heart flutter with joy, like a flock of butterflies fluttering around me.