What are you coming back for?

After the day we saw the snow, I was thinking of taking Gu Wanlin out for walks more often when the weather was better. But then the temperature plummeted and we entered the depths of winter. There were endless waves of flu outbreaks outside, and every time I returned to the company, I could hear a chorus of coughs.

Naturally, I no longer dared to take Gu Wanlin out, and I even avoided crowded public places myself, for fear of bringing germs to Gu Wanlin.

Jiang Yu and I secretly discussed the matter of rehabilitation, and we agreed to avoid the flu season in winter for now, and wait until Gu Wanlin has recovered and the weather is warmer before bringing it up again. Her lung capacity is already only 50-60% of that of an average person, her respiratory muscle function is weakened, and sometimes she can't even cough up phlegm on her own. If her respiratory system were to have any problems, it would be extremely dangerous.

Gu Wanlin herself didn't seem to mind not being able to go out. She always had that indifferent attitude. When we expressed our concern for her health and suggested that she avoid crowded places, she just sighed and said, "Fine, I've been doing this all year anyway, I'm used to it."

She always looked tired. She would get up and wash in the morning, and by noon, she would be in bed early in the evening. She only spent the afternoons in her wheelchair, staying at home reading or working on her job. In her spare time, she would watch movies with me.

I was afraid she would be bored all the time, so whenever I could come over for lunch, if the afternoon sun was nice, I would accompany her downstairs for a walk in the neighborhood and let her soak up some sun.

When winter vacation arrived, the children who were usually nowhere to be seen in the neighborhood all came out, playing in groups of three or five. Gu Wanlin's neighborhood was sparsely populated and close to a top school district. The residents were mostly wealthy, highly educated elites who valued education. They were more discreet in their behavior and would only nod politely to greet Gu Wanlin when they saw her, never glancing at her from head to toe.

Several times now, I've encountered children who keep staring at Gu Wanlin. Children are young and don't yet understand the unspoken rules of the adult world. Some watch for a while, then turn and run away to whisper to their friends, pointing in Gu Wanlin's direction. Some, bolder as ever, simply ask directly:

"Sister, are you injured? Or are you disabled? Can't you walk?"

Gu Wanlin replied gently, "That's right. My sister can't walk."

Will my sister's leg ever get better?

Gu Wanlin just smiled gently and shook his head.

"How pitiful! Your sister is so beautiful..."

The little boy, who looked to be no more than a first-grader, immediately offered to help Gu Wanlin push her wheelchair, saying, "Sister, let me help you push your wheelchair. Our teacher said that Young Pioneers should care for the elderly, the weak, the sick, and the disabled..."

Before he could finish speaking, his mother, who had caught up from behind, covered his mouth and pulled him away. His mother apologized to us, very embarrassed, "I'm so sorry, he's just a young boy, he doesn't know his own words, he didn't mean any harm, please don't take it to heart..."

Gu Wanlin lowered his head and smiled, saying it was alright, he knew.

I just don't like going to the central garden where there are many children anymore.

I sat with her on a bench in the corner of the garden. To be precise, I sat there while her wheelchair was parked next to me. The bench had a low back, making it difficult for her to sit steadily, so I decided to avoid the hassle of moving her. Before going downstairs, I asked Sister Zhou to bundle her up warmly. She wore a thick, warm black down jacket, cream-colored knitted sweatpants, and fluffy UGG boots.

Gu Wanlin leaned back in his wheelchair, basking in the sun, with large sunglasses covering his face, looking like he didn't care about anyone.

"Gu Wanlin, may I touch your hand?" As soon as I said it, I cursed inwardly, thinking it sounded like I was lusting after her body. I was just worried she was cold and wanted to see if her hands and feet were still freezing.

She reached her hand out of her pocket. "Feel it."

It was indeed ice cold. I rubbed my hands together to warm them up, and then straightened and massaged her fingers before putting them back.

Thinking about my next question, I gritted my teeth and asked:

"Gu Wanlin, may I put my hand inside your clothes and touch you?"

She looked up at the sky, a mischievous smile playing on her lips, "Touch me."

"Just be careful not to let anyone else hear you say that, otherwise they might misunderstand and call the police on my behalf."

I hummed in response, then rubbed my hands together to warm them up before carefully slipping them inside her clothes to touch her back. "If others find out what happened, they'll send me a banner and praise me for doing a good deed."

I was afraid she wouldn't even realize her clothes were soaked with sweat, and then she'd turn around and be sweating again. Gu Wanlin's body below her collarbone had completely lost the ability to regulate her body temperature. In winter, her hands and feet were always cold, but she would easily break out in a sweat for no reason. Sometimes she had to change her clothes several times a day. If she wasn't careful, she could easily catch a cold from sweating, and her sweaty undergarments could also easily cause bedsores due to friction against her skin.

The caregiver told me that summer is even harder to endure. In summer, you don't sweat as much, and you feel like you're in a steamer.

Thankfully, the clothes are dry.

She stopped teasing me and asked when I got a holiday for Chinese New Year. I sighed and said, "What other day? New Year's Eve, of course. I was just about to tell her that anyway."

“Gu Wanlin, otherwise I’ll come and keep you company on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day.”

Her relatives came to ask once, suggesting that they bring Xiaolin home for the New Year. However, firstly, neither of her parents' families lived locally, and Gu Wanlin might not be able to handle the long journey; secondly, no one came up with a concrete plan regarding who would pick her up and who she would stay at, so it was hard to tell how much sincerity they had.

Gu Wanlin simply refused, saying that she hadn't been feeling well lately and didn't want the hassle of traveling back and forth. Her relatives simply agreed and didn't insist anymore.

"No need. Go home and spend the New Year with your parents." Gu Wanlin firmly refused me.

"Oh dear, I go back to spend the whole day with them every weekend. I've lived in the same place with them since I was little. My family doesn't celebrate the Lunar New Year in the traditional way, so I'll just go with them to visit my grandparents." Her parents had only just left, and I was still worried that leaving her alone for the New Year would make her sad.

“Really, there’s no need. The Lunar New Year is different from a regular weekend. You used to live at home, but now that you’ve moved out, they have fewer opportunities to see you. They’ll be very happy if you spend the New Year with them. Listen to me, spend New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day with your aunt and uncle. You should cherish this opportunity. I have Sister Zhang here with me.” Gu Wanlin firmly refused me again.

We had asked Sister Zhang well in advance, and she said she could take care of Gu Wanlin full-time from New Year's Eve until Sister Zhou came back from her holiday. So we gave Sister Zhang a big red envelope and asked her to stay with us temporarily from New Year's Eve. Since it was just to fill in for Sister Zhou when she went home for the New Year, and it wasn't considered a formal full-time live-in caregiver, Gu Wanlin didn't really object.

Okay, I'll listen to her.

As the year draws to a close, like every humble office worker, I have a lot of work to wrap up and report back to the company. I've been so busy that I haven't had time to have lunch with Gu Wanlin for several days. But once I'm done, I always have to go and check on her, since it's on my way and close by, otherwise I won't feel at ease.

Despite all precautions, viruses and bacteria still managed to get in, and Gu Wanlin caught a cold. Fortunately, it wasn't serious, but after taking medicine for several days, her condition didn't improve, and it kept recurring. Her low-grade fever would subside and then return, and she felt listless. When I arrived at her house at noon, she was still more often unable to get out of bed due to her illness. Even when she could get up, she could only sit for a short while, huddled in her wheelchair, weakly covering her mouth and coughing softly.

Gu Wanlin refused to go to the hospital, saying that she knew her own body and that this level of cold was common; it was just that her constitution was weak and the illness lasted a little longer.

The caregivers said it was common practice and I shouldn't worry too much. Perhaps when they met Gu Wanlin, she was already seriously injured, and maybe she's recovered better now than when her parents first brought her back to China. But they can get used to it, how can I?

I witnessed Gu Wanlin's spirited and vigorous early twenties. Looking at this thin figure in front of me, so frail that it was almost invisible when huddled under the thick quilt, I was in a daze several times and almost couldn't hear Gu Wanlin calling me.

She lay on her side on the bed, her face deathly pale, and the forehead I had just wiped was covered with fine beads of cold sweat again.

These past few days have been exceptionally cold and gloomy. Although the heating in the room has been running 24 hours a day, it seems that her nerves have a mysterious communication code with the weather. Her neuralgia has been flaring up frequently, especially at night, when she can't sleep for nights on end. This, in turn, affects her daytime activities. She doesn't have the strength to sit steadily in her wheelchair and can only lie down like this. She also says she can't eat.

Although I was worried, I didn't want to force her. I went out and bought her some high-protein shakes and put one bottle by her bedside. "If you don't want to eat, then don't. But you still need to supplement your protein intake to recover faster when you're sick. If you feel like you can drink something later, we'll try it."

Her lips trembled as she whispered to me, "Aqing, thank you."

I pretended to be annoyed, "It's just buying something, why are you being so polite? Why say thank you?"

Gu Wanlin forced a smile and said listlessly, "No, it's thank you for understanding me. My parents... sometimes they think I don't want to eat because I'm tired or afraid of hardship and I'm just throwing a tantrum, but I really... really... at times like this, just thinking about eating makes me feel nauseous and want to vomit..."

I reached out again to wipe away her cold sweat, and gently rubbed her cheek to comfort her. "How could that be? Gu Wanlin, you've definitely tried your best. Who knows your body better than you? If you feel unwell and can't eat, then we have to respect your feelings. It's just that you'll be taking a lot of medicine later, and it's too hard on your stomach to keep going on an empty stomach. If you feel better, we can try to see if you can drink it. It's okay if you don't drink it. Don't force yourself."

Her brows, which had been furrowed in pain, relaxed slightly, but the corners of her eyes suddenly reddened slightly. She obediently replied, "Okay."

I watched her swallow handfuls of her usual medication, along with extra painkillers and urinary tract infection preventatives. I held a glass of water with a straw to her lips. "If you can drink it, drink more water." She couldn't see it herself, but the color of the urine collection bag hanging by the bed was truly disheartening. Occasionally, I could see white, flocculent material flowing through the transparent latex tubing.

"Slow down, don't choke." I grabbed a tissue from the bedside table and wiped the water from the corner of her lips. Looking at her meek and obedient appearance, I had a strange feeling that I was acting as her parent: little Gu Wanlin swallowed a big gulp of water to show her cooperation and effort, in gratitude that I didn't force her to eat.

Children who behave well certainly deserve encouragement and praise. I picked up the book she had placed on her bedside table; it was the same one I had brought her before, and she had already read most of it. "You lie down quietly. I know you might not be able to sleep right now, but it's good for you to close your eyes and rest. I'll read to you."

"Hmm~" After a short pause, Gu Wanlin slowly added, "Aqing, did I say I really like your voice?"

Oh my god, hearing her soft, sweet, nasal voice, even though she was sick, made my heart skip a beat. I could only pretend to be calm and tuck her in. "Yes, you've said that many times."

His fingers frantically flipped through the pages, stopping at the spot where she had placed the bookmark:

“Dolls don’t think like Misha or anyone else. In that sense, there’s a chasm between dolls and Misha. Because to think, one must swallow time, internalizing the past, present, future, and their constant changes. Time works within the human mind. There is no time anywhere outside the human mind…”

The painkillers she took contained such a strong sedative effect that after only a few sentences, I could hear her breathing become shallow and long. I thought she was about to fall asleep, so I lowered my voice even further while reading.

"...Animals don't need meaning. Humans sometimes have a similar feeling when they dream. However, humans need meaning when they are awake, because humans are prisoners of time..."

I was just wondering if I should stop and let her get some sleep when I suddenly heard her, with her eyes closed, seemingly half-asleep, repeating the sentence I had just read, her words slightly unclear: "Man... is a prisoner of time..."

"This book isn't good, I'm not reading it anymore." I gently placed the book back on the bedside table. "Sweetie, get some sleep. You won't feel so much pain when you wake up."

Before I knew it, it was the 29th of the lunar year, the last day before the holiday. I still didn't have a chance to have lunch with Gu Wanlin, as I was busy at the company until five or six o'clock before I could leave. Sister Zhou, who worked the early shift in the group chat, finished her last day of work and said that Gu Wanlin seemed alright when she left, and asked her to help her put on the wheelchair so she could sit for a while.

In the afternoon, I managed to sneak a moment from my busy schedule to call Gu Wanlin and tell her I'd come over for dinner that evening and then head back to my parents' house tomorrow, New Year's Eve. She didn't reply. Sometimes she gets tired in the afternoon and goes back to bed for a nap, which is quite common, and I never really paid much attention to it.

When we arrived, we ran into Sister Zhang in the elevator. As soon as we opened the door, we felt something was wrong: the whole room was dark, there was no light in the study and bedroom, and the only light source was the flashing phone screen on the coffee table in the living room, which was making a constant alarm clock noise.

Unless there are special circumstances, Gu Wanlin's afternoon nap wouldn't last this long.

My heart started pounding. I checked my phone first; there were three alarms reminding me to drink water, take medicine, and urinate at 12 PM, 2 PM, and 4 PM, which had been ringing all afternoon without being turned off. I had a bad feeling; my heart was pounding in my throat. I turned and ran to the bedroom. Sister Zhang had already entered Gu Wanlin's bedroom before me and turned on the light with a snap—

I heard her cry out in a trembling voice, "Xiao Gu!"

My legs buckled and I knelt down at the door of Gu Wanlin's bedroom.

Upon entering the bedroom from the living room, an unpleasant odor filled the air, and the source of this smell was not hard to find—

Gu Wanlin lay twisted on the floor beside the bed, her eyes tightly closed, her breathing sounding labored. The wheelchair had overturned beside the bed, feet up and backrest on the ground, her left foot still stuck and unable to move, her pajama bottoms caught between the bed and the wheelchair, half-fallen off. The connection between the drainage bag and the tube extending from her abdomen had also broken, likely ripped off when she fell.

There wasn't much liquid left in the transparent bag; it had all spilled out, leaving a slightly dried puddle beneath her. The hem of her clothes appeared to have been soaked and then partially dried by the warm air from the air conditioner, leaving a wrinkled mess with a dark ring around the edge.

She's been lying there like this for a long time.

My mind went blank. I tried to get up and run to her, but it was as if I'd forgotten how to walk. After only a couple of steps, my legs gave way and I collapsed to my knees. The pain of my knee hitting the ground instantly snapped me back to reality. I immediately turned to Sister Zhang and shouted, "Call 120! Call an ambulance! Sister Zhang, quickly pack her things for the hospital!"

Sister Zhang agreed and rushed out of the bedroom to get her phone from the doorway to make a call. Then, as if remembering something, she turned back to me and said, "Don't move her yet! We don't know if she's had a brain hemorrhage or a fracture. Let's avoid causing further injury!"

I crawled to Gu Wanlin's side, trying to see if she was still conscious, and anxiously patted her face.

The moment his hand touched her face, it recoiled from the heat – her face and neck were burning red, and even the corners of her eyes were flushed with a deep crimson, her rapid and heavy breathing exhaling scorching hot air.

"Little girl, little girl, can you hear me?" I continued to pat her face.

Her eyelids slowly lifted, as if weighing a ton.

Her eyes were hazy and unfocused, and she didn't look at me. Pain made her brows furrow, and she opened her mouth slightly but couldn't speak. She turned her face away and coughed softly, her face turning red and filled with phlegm.

"Sister Zhang! Sister Zhang! Come here quickly!" I shouted for Sister Zhang to come back like a madman.

Sister Zhang rushed back to the room, glanced at it, and hurriedly pulled over another small trolley with an instrument on Gu Wanlin's bedside. Her hands moved without stopping for a moment. She turned on one of the instruments, disinfected her hands, and then bent down to pat Gu Wanlin's cheek, whose eyes had slowly closed again.

"Xiao Gu, can you hear me? Don't fall asleep, don't fall asleep yet, just hang in there a little longer. We'll suction your phlegm and it won't feel so bad anymore. Just open your mouth a little, try not to move, okay? Just a little bit."

She turned to me again: "She won't be very comfortable this time, but it has to be done. If she suffocates due to lack of oxygen, it might be too late by the time the ambulance arrives. She's not fully conscious and might resist fiercely, so you must help me hold her down."

I never imagined that one day I would witness such a cruel scene, watching that long tube being inserted into Gu Wanlin's throat, drawing out a lot of mucus from deep within her amidst the ear-piercing sound of air compression, causing her to gag uncontrollably. She struggled violently, the veins on her neck bulging, and I could even see the blood vessels on both sides of her temples throbbing.

Sister Zhang said anxiously to me, "You've pressed her down! Don't worry about hurting her, it could be fatal."

My hands trembled as I gripped Gu Wanlin's shoulders with all my might, preventing her from struggling. Regardless of whether she could hear me or not, I coaxed her incoherently, "Nannan, be good, don't move. It'll be over soon, you won't feel uncomfortable anymore. Be brave, just bear with it a little longer, okay?"

When Sister Zhang removed the tube, Gu Wanlin's breathing, though weak, was no longer accompanied by the alarming phlegm. However, the tube had severely damaged her throat, and she still couldn't stop gagging. Sister Zhang worked swiftly, wiping away the liquid spilling from the corner of her mouth with her left hand, while her right hand pulled over another machine, turned it on, and placed a small oxygen mask over Gu Wanlin's mouth and nose.

The oxygen concentrator gurgled as it delivered humidified air into Gu Wanlin's lungs. She gradually recovered, her eyes slowly opened again, and her gaze became clear.

I finally breathed a sigh of relief after walking in the door. "Gu Wanlin, do you remember what happened?"

She was finally able to speak, her voice hoarse and rough like sand, "I don't feel well... I want to go back to bed... to lie down..." She couldn't continue.

"Why didn't you call for help!" I thought anxiously, but realized I'd said the wrong thing as soon as the words left my mouth.

Gu Wanlin chuckled, a slightly mocking smile curving his lips on his flushed, burning face. He would stop to catch his breath after saying just a few words.

"Why...didn't you call...my phone isn't here...and I...can't move...I haven't forgotten...that I'm...disabled...no need...to remind me..."

If she were lucid, she would never say that about herself; she must be delirious from the fever.

I looked at the instep of her left foot, which was rubbed red and swollen. She must have tried to pull her left leg out of the wheelchair herself, but lying on the ground like this, she couldn't do it because she couldn't use her upper body for support.

My heart ached as I listened: "Gu Wanlin, you know that's not what I meant. Just hang in there a little longer, the ambulance will be here soon. You'll feel better soon."

I was frantic, wishing the ambulance would sprout wings and fly over, but the situation was urgent. Her trapped left leg, along with her hip, was slightly off the ground, her left foot was swollen and red, and her right leg stump was horribly pale, with several dried bloodstains from cuts. I thought that no matter what, I should first get Gu Wanlin's trapped left leg off the wheelchair so that her body could lie flat, at least to make her more comfortable.

To my surprise, the moment I touched her left leg, her body began to convulse violently. I had never seen such intense spasms before. Without thinking twice, I first moved the wheelchair away to prevent it from hitting her, and then rushed over to hold her down.

Her whole body was convulsing violently, especially her hips, which slapped her lower body against the ground. She looked like a fish thrown ashore, suffocating from lack of oxygen, her head thrown back by her body, thumping against the wooden floor. I could only protect her head with my hands, listening to her clench her teeth and make a grinding sound, not even bothering to wipe away the tears on her face.

Waiting for Gu Wanlin to calm down felt like an eternity. Her gaze gradually focused, her nostrils flared slightly, as if she had suddenly remembered something, and her trembling hands reached towards her abdomen and between her legs—

Her clothes were soaked again around her abdomen, and the wetness under her body spread further, with the smell gradually filling the room.

The despair that instantly filled her eyes was as thick as an impenetrable black fog.

Gu Wanlin shoved me away forcefully, growling in a low voice, "Don't touch me... Go away... Go away!" He seemed to be struggling to breathe, and when he gasped for air, he started gagging.

"Get out... Don't look... Who allowed you in... Who allowed you to look..."

"Don't touch me... I'm dirty..."

Her desperate pleas were like a piece of red-hot iron, making me abruptly withdraw my fingertips, afraid to touch her again. But no matter what, I didn't want to leave her side at a time like this.

"Why won't you leave... You're bullying me too... I can't move... isn't that right?"

She closed her eyes in despair, unwilling to look at anyone anymore. Her jaw was clenched, and her whole body was trembling from the force of her movements. She forced out a few words from the corner of her mouth.

"Don't look at me..."

"Please..."

"Don't look..."

I dared not disobey her any longer and retreated back to her room door. How could I really abandon her? "Nannan, Nannan, don't worry, I'm leaving the room. I won't touch you."

Tears streamed down her face. Gu Wanlin turned her head away from me, coughing and panting for a while, then suddenly let out a sneer, "Everyone... tells me... you have to try to live..."

"Why...is no one...asking me...if I...want...to...live...?"

"I don't want to... I don't want to... I said I don't want to..."

Her breathing became rapid again, mixed with the phlegm that had disappeared earlier, whooshing like the strains of a broken accordion. I was both shocked and frightened, wanting to go forward and hug her tightly again, but afraid that she would be too emotional and not be able to catch her breath.

Fortunately, the ambulance finally arrived, and several medical staff rushed over to perform a simple first aid check on her before lifting her onto a stretcher.

I stared at the enormous oxygen mask lodged on Gu Wanlin's gaunt face, the air filled with a piercing roar. Sister Zhang came over, patted my arm, and said something, but I couldn't hear her. Gu Wanlin gave me one last look, then closed his eyes, utterly exhausted.

All I could think about were the last words Gu Wanlin said to me before she lost consciousness.

She said—

"Ah Qing...you...didn't you want to...break up with me?...Why did you come back?