Chapter 59: Disappointment

This painting, "The Story of Sumati," is not very famous among the many murals, but it is of great significance to them. It is related to the mysterious new caves hundreds of kilometers away and also carries the fateful adventure that happened decades ago.

On the warm earth-red walls, Sumati burns incense to invite the Buddha. Buddha's twelve disciples, each displaying their magical powers, arrive atop various mounts. Hang Liumei and Qi Xiuchun test each other like they're taking a test. Who rides five hundred flower trees? Juntou Shami; who rides five hundred peacocks? Luo Yun...

In their conversation, the two managed to piece together the names of all the characters. Unlike the still clearly legible murals here, the only recognizable characters in the "Sumati" painting in the new caves are Kapina riding the Garuda, Sudhana riding the blue ox, Subhuti riding the Glazed Mountain, Mahamaudgalyayana riding the six-tusked white elephant, and Sakyamuni, who sits on a lotus pedestal surrounded by his disciples.

"It's impossible to move such a complex painting onto a small piece of porcelain. We have to choose one, right?" Qi Xiuchun asked.

Hang Liumei said, "If I were to paint, I would have to paint something that's present in both caves. Zhoulipanta's blue ox has beautiful colors with its alternating blue and green; Kapina's Garuda has a well-defined shape and good composition; Subhuti and Liuli Mountain have smooth, simple lines and a great effect. I think if I have to choose, I'd choose from these three."

Qi Xiuchun waved his hand. "That's not even worth the trouble. We have to make it anyway. You, me, and Xiao Pu, let's each copy one and make a set of three tea cups. Wouldn't it be better to make three than just one and enter the competition with them?"

"Sister Xiuchun, I realize your business over the years has not been in vain! How did you come up with such a great idea so quickly?"

Pu Zhihe in another cave didn't know that he had been arranged.

Logically speaking, she should have followed Hang Liumei and Qi Xiuchun closely today, but before she came, a vague idea emerged in her mind, so she deliberately avoided the two of them and quietly entered the nearby Cave 254.

Pu Zhihe walked towards the painting "Subduing the Demon" which was also in the new grottoes, but his attention was soon attracted by the Thousand Buddhas on the other wall.

The Buddha statues, neatly arranged in sequence, seem to chant sutras with a mighty eloquence, transporting visitors into a mystical realm where silence surpasses sound, embodying the saying, "All phenomena are like dreams, illusions, and bubbles." Through the meticulous design of previous painters, the halo, body, and clothing of each Buddha statue possess a subtle color pattern, as if illuminated by heavenly light streaming down from an angle. The effect is solemn, peaceful, tranquil, and orderly. Pu Zhihe favors this painting even more than the previous one, "Subduing the Demon."

At the center of the Thousand Buddhas stands a white-robed Buddha, significantly larger than the surrounding statues. Sitting cross-legged, its hands in the Dharma mudra, its all-white form creates a striking contrast with its surroundings, a sight that is unforgettable. Pu Zhihe vividly recalls a similar white-robed Buddha statue perched atop the central wall of the new grottoes! Hang Liumei and Qi Xiuchun must have spotted it long ago.

She hid here to find some inspiration and make a pair of gifts for Hang Liumei and Qi Xiuchun. This idea came to her when the three of them were working together on "Water Moon Guanyin". Although she was a fake apprentice, she had developed a true heart over the past few days and regarded them as teachers.

Pu Zhihe knew that the end of this trip to Dunhuang was a farewell. Dad Mai was secretly preparing an engagement ring for Mom Mai, and Mom Mai was quietly preparing a birthday surprise for him. She had known her predecessor for a while, and she didn't want it to end hastily.

What to give became a problem. She walked around the walls a few times. Xiaomai stood behind her and asked, "Sister Zhihe, what are you looking for?"

Pu Zhihe turned around. She thought Xiaomai had gone with Hang Liumei, but she didn't expect him to stay with her. She said, "I want to see if there are any patterns or details that can be used in the gifts I give to your grandmother and Grandma Qi."

"You want to give them gifts?"

"Just keep it as a souvenir. When they see me in the future, they'll remember that they knew someone like me, just like Zhao Xiaowei."

These words felt like a farewell. Xiaomai slowly approached, his footsteps remarkably clear in the empty caverns. Pu Zhihe, unwilling to let him utter anything he couldn't refrain from saying, continued, "After your father found a place to make rings, I originally wanted to order a pair of handheld incense burners, the kind often seen in Tang Dynasty murals. But now that we're here, I think we should look for something more suitable among these two caves."

Then she heard Xiaomai take a deep breath and walk to her side. She thought he was going to say something, but he said nothing.

Pu Zhihe continued to look at the murals, and Xiaomai suddenly said, "Once you decide what to give as a gift, I'll help you prepare it."

"I can do it on my own."

"I know grandmas better than you do. You always need someone to help you find out their preferences."

Hang Liumei called the two of them over, and before Pu Zhihe could find inspiration for a gift, the four of them rushed to the new grottoes again the next day. This time, they brought pens, ink, and drawing boards to start copying.

It took two hours to get there from their residence, and to protect the murals, they didn't stay inside for long. But after only two days of traveling, Hang Liumei discovered the problem.

It was not difficult to draw these three simple images, but Hang Liumei wanted to copy them as faithfully as she had done back then. She knew that this might be her last chance to enter the grottoes and paint, and she would never have the chance to relive the memory of her first visit to the murals half a century ago.

On the first day, Hang Liumei couldn't help but use her skills. Her hand was faster than her eye. With a twist of her wrist, a line was instantly drawn on the paper. But that line was completely written with her name, Hang Liumei, not the handwriting of the ancients on the mural. If one line was wrong, then the whole piece would be wrong.

"Copying is about pondering the mystery between the changes in each line and the overall aura of the picture." She stared at the paper and tried to recall what the old director said when she was practicing line drawing at night.

So she started learning again, putting aside all her skills and "Hang Liumei", and like an obsessive who had never painted before, she put her whole body and soul into the handwriting of the ancients. If she made a mistake in one stroke, she would start over again. Hang Liumei spent the whole day forgetting herself.

The next day she had already understood the weight and thickness of every stroke on the mural. She knew where to apply wrist strength, where to turn the tip of the brush, where to release the force, and where to pause the brush. But when she actually started to paint, everything was wrong.

She also encountered bottlenecks when she was young, but she was not panicked at that time. It seemed as if there were faintly waving flags on the drawing paper. If she painted it again and took another step forward next time, she would be able to reach the realm of clear and empty enlightenment.

At that time, when she painted, it was as if she entered a state of selflessness. There is a story in Liaozhai called "The Painted Wall". Hang Liumei felt that she was just a character in the story. Millions of spider silks grew out of the mural, pulling her into the painting. Then she painted tirelessly, and when she stopped to look at it again after painting to her heart's content, she had already achieved her wish and painted a satisfactory painting.

But now Hang Liumei discovered in panic that it seemed to be a dream. After waking up, she could only look at the mural from two meters away, but could not immerse herself in it.

She seemed to be breaking out in a cold sweat.

I should have seen this coming. Painting requires engaging the eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body, and mind to feel and experience, connecting the inner and outer worlds. It's a laborious and arduous task. Hang Liumei didn't lose to the murals, but to time. She lost her own strength. She had been away from Mogao Grottoes for too long and had aged too much.

Even if she comes back, she can't go back.

Qi Xiuchun and Pu Zhihe were two people who had never reached the summit. Following her painting, they were happy with each step forward, and there would not be such a huge gap. Hang Liumei couldn't bear to disturb them and wanted to put down her brush and go outside to think alone, but she was so absent-minded that she kicked over Pu Zhihe's pen holder on the way out and knocked over Xiuchun's easel.

Hang Liumei covered her forehead and said embarrassedly, "You guys draw, you guys continue drawing."

Qi Xiuchun and Pu Zhihe looked at each other, both thinking that her behavior just now was unusual.

She sat on a big rock outside the cave, watching the swaying shadows of the trees in the valley, and recalled that Zhao Xiaowei's album was full of poplar leaves. She asked him why, and he said that he picked one every day to remind himself not to slack off. The old leaves withered into pieces, which also proved how long he persisted.

People, like leaves, cannot escape time.

Qi Xiuchun saw Hang Liumei sitting outside motionless, feeling uneasy and wanting to follow her out. He just stood up, but then sat down again and said to Pu Zhihe, "Zhihe, I'm going out. You keep painting here and pretend you know nothing. Even though you're getting older, you should still maintain your dignity."

Pu Zhihe understood what she meant, turned around and stopped looking outside, indicating that she could leave with peace of mind.

Qi Xiuchun came out and sat down next to Hang Liumei, following her gaze downwards: "What's wrong? Are you painting and feeling emotional?"

"Sister Xiuchun, we're old. We're really old," Hang Liumei hugged her knees with her hands, her eyes filled with sorrow. "Before this, I've only felt old twice. The first time was when Lao Jiang passed away. He left too soon. Someone who had been with me day and night for decades was gone so soon. It felt like my soul was also taken away at that time. I was in a daze every day, feeling very light, as if life and death were easy things."

"One time was when Old Song passed away. He walked so fast. One second he was still talking to me, and the next he collapsed to the ground. That time was different from sending Old Jiang off. Instead, I felt very heavy. My head and legs felt heavy. I couldn't even stand up and could only lie in bed. I thought, how terrible it is that people die just like that. That's why I was so busy and crazy and caused so many things."

"Today I feel like this is all in vain. I am still here, but my soul has dispersed. I can no longer paint the same paintings as before. No matter how uncomfortable I was facing the murals back then, I knew in my heart that I could always paint them, but today——"

"Have you copied the same painting when you were 20 and 30?" Qi Xiuchun asked.

Qi Xiuchun asked again, "Did you copy the same mural when you were thirty and when you were forty?" Seeing Hang Liumei remained silent, she continued, "When you copy the same painting, do the results look the same?"

Hang Liumei frowned.

"I'm not an expert in painting, but I was educated alongside you. Different people, at different times, would produce different paintings even if they copied the same mural. If I remember correctly, this is what the old director told everyone when Jia Zhipeng left the institute. Do you still remember Jia Zhipeng?"

Speaking of this name, Hang Liumei's mind flashed with the image of the young man who was only willing to paint according to his own wishes and had conflicts with his predecessors, as well as his back as he jumped out of the cave in the yellow sand and left angrily.

Qi Xiuchun said, "I've noticed you've been restless these past few days, wasting sheet after sheet of paper in the grotto. You've clearly created something wonderful, but you refuse to accept it because you're pursuing the impossible. You, Hang Liumei, are almost seventy years old, and you've been painting for fifty years. How could your paintings not have the marks of those years? If not, wouldn't you have worked for half your life in vain?"

"But I really don't have the same complete concentration I had when I was copying the murals back then. I can't get into it anymore."

"Let me ask you, now that Sun Wukong has become the Fighting and Victory Buddha, can he still be the same as when he was apprenticed to Patriarch Bodhi? If you want to copy like you did when you first arrived in Dunhuang, that's like wanting to wear the golden hoop again. Great Sage, your journey to obtain the scriptures has ended! Every stroke of your painting now bears the shadow of the Mogao Grottoes murals. You can't penetrate those murals because you've already hidden them within yourself."

Hang Liumei was amused by Qi Xiuchun's analogy, and Qi Xiuchun also smiled at her: "Xiaomei, what's wrong with us accepting our age? You've been preaching to me all this time, and I see, you were pretending to be open-minded before. Look, I accept that I'm not as good at painting as you, so why can't you accept that the same person can change? Nineteen is different from sixty-nine, that's the most natural thing."

Hang Liumei acted like a good student and took Sister Xiuchun's words to heart. They sat outside and chatted for the entire afternoon.

When they came back on the third day, she had figured it out a little bit and was no longer as nervous as she was on the previous two days. During the breaks, the three of them joked with each other.

Later, although I still thought about this obsession, I let go of the disappointment first.

Finally, the three of them returned to the courtyard with three copied drawings, made some adjustments, and waited to use them on the porcelain.