0029 Jiang Shi (5)

If what sustained He Lingling's stay by Wanqi Fuze's side for so many years was Shen Yan's unspoken love back then, then now, calming down, Lingling realized that she didn't know how to conduct herself in front of Shen Yan.

At this moment, with Fenfang not around, she felt that whatever she said would hurt her good friend Du Fenfang.

For so many years, she had always believed that she loved Shen Yan, which was why she was willing to come to City B alone and silently dedicate herself to him. Subconsciously, she might have fantasized about her future with Shen Yan, but even she would quickly banish those thoughts from her mind. Because fantasies are just fantasies; they are unattainable.

Just like when Wanqi Fuze was teaching her math in high school, when he got to the chapter on probability, he told her that an infinitesimal probability is actually impossible.

She kept telling herself that she followed Wanqi Fuze because she loved Shen Yan, not because Shen Yan loved her, and certainly not to gain anything.

Even if Shen Yan loves her, she cannot expect him to accept someone who has spent ten years with another man and who has hurt him deeply with her words and actions.

So when she heard Fenfang say they were getting engaged, she cried so hard because the pillar of her spirit that had supported her for so many years had suddenly collapsed.

Yes, she was still willing to grit her teeth and swallow her pride, just to protect the person in front of her who could never be with her.

However, after calming down, she found that she could climb with great difficulty in the long, dark night when no one was around, but she became timid and hesitant when facing him.

At this moment, she even felt better in front of Wanqi Fuze than in front of her brother Ayan. Because her hatred for Wanqi Fuze was undeniable. She could use this hatred to hurt him deeply, and even if they both ended up badly hurt, she wouldn't feel guilty. But she didn't know how to behave in front of her brother Ayan. Because her feelings for him were self-deceptive longing, an unspoken love.

So when Shen Yan suddenly told her that he wasn't going to get engaged to Du Fenfang, she was surprised to find that she wasn't overjoyed, but rather unexpectedly at a loss.

Yes. Shen Yan suddenly distanced himself from Fenfang, just as suddenly as Fenfang announced their engagement.

Brother Shenyan, who is always gentle and kind, with a light smile, had slightly reddened eyes at this moment. His face showed a frankness that was willing to risk everything, and his eyes held an expectation that could not be ignored.

He Lingling couldn't help but look away from him, because at this moment her heart was filled with panic and helplessness.

She thought she could understand the profound meaning behind this frankness—he was subtly telling her that he loved her, while also subtly asking about her feelings.

She once thought it was something unattainable, something she longed for. But she also told herself again and again that it was impossible.

She always knew that what she was giving was a hopeless endeavor.

So when Brother Ayan offered her his heart, she found herself unable to accept it. That heart, carrying warmth and love she had never dared to hope for, almost burned her before she even touched it.

She stammered and laughed awkwardly, saying "Oh," before quickly trying to brush it off with a pointless, lame topic. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the forlorn and disappointed face of her brother, Ayan.

Her heart still ached; she never imagined that she would hurt her beloved brother Ayan again after so many years.

But her heart was withered and covered in dust. She needed many, many nights to secretly slip away and untangle that mess. She had hidden him for too long; she needed to clean it thoroughly to see the secrets within. Countless days and nights she had spent hurting and battling with that person had made her, in this moment, briefly forget how to respond to or express love.

She was convinced she was doing the right thing; at the very least, she couldn't put Brother Ayan in danger again. As long as Wanqi Fuze hadn't fulfilled his promise to let her leave, she should be patient and wait a little longer.

She thought that one day in the future she would be able to mend her broken heart and face Brother Ayan with a clean conscience and confidence. Before that, she still needed to protect and make amends.

She wanted to heal herself while also healing Shen Yan. She wanted her brother Shen Yan to be able to "stand up" again, no longer be discriminated against by the community because of his disability, and no longer have to humiliate himself by working as a part-time teacher at a private middle school without a formal position. She wanted her brother Shen Yan to become the person he wanted to be when he was a teenager.

She suddenly stopped and squatted down in front of Shen Yan, asking him if he would like to stay in B City with her. She was willing to help him achieve what he had always wanted to do: teach in the best place in the country.

Even she herself didn't realize how similar the light shining in her eyes at this moment was to the light in the eyes of the person who had encouraged her to apply to B City Normal University.

That made Shen Yan slightly dazed—he clearly felt that he had just seen those eyes somewhere, and they belonged to a man.

P.S.: This chapter is significantly revised from the end of the previous chapter. It's been revised many times; writing about Lingling's psychology was really difficult. The chapter about the wedding also needs further revision. Enjoy reading, ladies!