Chapter 265 Feeling Lost

He seemed to have lost all his energy and spirit, as if a gust of wind could blow him away.

He didn't even react to the sound of her pushing the door open and her footsteps hitting the floor.

He seemed to have just woken up, slowly raising his eyes, his gaze empty and unfocused, exuding an unsettling indifference: "I'm listless, nothing's interesting."

What do you mean by "boring"?

She crouched down, pressing her knees onto the cold floor, and grabbed his hand—his hand was so cold it didn't feel like a living person's, as if it had just been pulled out of a snowdrift.

"I'm tired of it all."

He gently withdrew his hand, his fingertips trembling slightly, then rubbed his temples hard, his voice dry and tired, "Work, eat, sleep..."

Day after day, it's the same routine, like a machine going on and on; it's utterly boring.

Qiao Wanyin felt a pang of sadness, her throat felt like it was blocked by something, and even her breathing became heavy.

It felt so unreal coming from his mouth.

How could the person who once hummed a tune while wrapped in a tattered cotton-padded coat during a blizzard, the person who looked at the snow falling from the outpost at an altitude of 5,000 meters and said with a smile, "This wind is blowing so strongly," say such a thing?

"Are you... in trouble?"

She spoke very softly, almost in a whisper, as if afraid of disturbing something, "Can you tell me? Even just one sentence would be fine."

Fu Li'an shook his head, his movements slow but resolute, as if he didn't want anyone to touch his heart.

He slowly stood up, his back thin and stiff, and said without turning his head, "I'll lie down for a while."

At dinner, Song Yazhi specially prepared a table of delicious dishes. The braised pork was stewed until it was glistening with oil, and the aroma of the sauce was irresistible. It was fatty but not greasy, and it was the taste he had loved most since he was a child.

On the table were steamed fish, stir-fried vegetables, and pickled radish shreds—all rare and delicious ingredients found in the home, filling the entire table.

Fu Li'an only stared at the white rice in the bowl, each grain distinct and steaming hot, as if he couldn't see the other dishes, not moving his chopsticks at all.

"Have a piece of meat!"

Song Yazhi picked up a large piece of braised pork and placed it tremblingly into his bowl, her tone full of heartache and expectation, "Mom specially cooked it for you for two hours, and the heat is just right, please try it."

Fu Li'an lowered his head, his gaze fixed on the piece of meat for more than ten seconds, his eyes unblinking, as if it were not food, but something unfamiliar.

Suddenly, he slammed down his chopsticks with a sharp, jarring sound that startled the whole family.

"I'm full, you guys eat."

After he finished speaking, he stood up, turned around and left, his steps light but without the slightest hesitation.

Song Yazhi's hand was still frozen in mid-air, her chopsticks hanging there, the meat slipped to the edge of the bowl, and the soup splashed onto the tablecloth.

As she watched her son's departing figure, her eyes suddenly reddened, and her lips trembled slightly: "What... what happened to this child? He was fine just a few days ago, how come he's suddenly become a different person?"

Qiao Wanyin looked down at the rice in her bowl, a white blob, but she couldn't swallow a single bite. Her throat tightened, and her stomach churned with indescribable emotions.

She suddenly remembered some statements she had seen online before.

Feeling depressed, losing interest in everything, having no appetite, unable to sleep at night, and lacking energy during the day...

Every line, every word, seems to describe Fu Li'an in his current state.

But this is the 1970s, even soldiers can have mental problems?

People back then always said that mental illness can only be endured, and it will get better once you get through it.

Everyone has their difficulties.

Who wouldn't grit their teeth and persevere?

But when it comes to the word "depression," I've never even heard of it.

It was eerily quiet in the room late at night; even the ticking of the old-fashioned wall clock in the corner sounded exceptionally clear.

Every second felt like a hammer blow to the heart, lingering for a long time.

Qiao Wanyin lay next to Fu Li'an, not far apart, yet it felt as if there was an invisible wall between them.

She listened to his deliberately suppressed breathing, shallow and rapid, intermittent, and knew that he hadn't slept either.

"Ophiopogon japonicus".

She called his name softly, her voice as gentle as a night breeze, "What's wrong? Are you... feeling unwell? Headache? Chest tightness? Or something else that hurts?"

Fu Lian had his back to her, his shoulders heaving slightly, and he remained silent for a long time.

The only sounds in the room were the rhythm of the clock and the occasional sound of the wind coming from outside the window.

After a long while, he finally responded in a muffled voice, so low it seemed to float from the ground: "Wanyin, I... I might really be in trouble."

"What's the problem?"

Her heart clenched suddenly, her fingertips unconsciously gripped the corner of the blanket, and she held her breath.

"I can't explain it."

He spoke in a low voice, hoarse and filled with a deep sense of powerlessness, “I just feel like there’s no point in living, I can’t muster the energy to do anything, it’s like my soul has been taken away. Yesterday the political commissar talked to me and said that I haven’t been working hard lately and that I’ve been slacking off in training. When I heard that, I didn’t feel a ripple in my heart at all. I wasn’t angry or sad, it was like I was listening to someone else’s story.”

Qiao Wanyin gently wrapped her arms around him from behind, carefully reaching out to him. She felt his body tense and stiff, like a frozen stone, as if even his breathing was resisting her approach.

"Shall I go to the hospital with you tomorrow?"

She whispered against his back, "The big hospitals in the city can always find a way to find out the truth."

"It's no use."

He shook his head with a wry smile, his voice full of self-mockery. "The military doctor already examined me. My blood pressure is normal, my heart rate is normal, and my liver and kidney functions are fine. They said I'm in great health and shouldn't worry too much."

She bit her lip, her brows furrowed slightly, feeling as if a heavy stone was pressing on her heart, making it difficult to breathe.

My mind raced, thoughts flooding in like a tide, only to recede just as quickly, leaving behind a deeper sense of anxiety and unease.

If it's really like what's said online, a psychological illness...

Her heart clenched painfully.

These days, many people have never even heard of this disease, let alone doctors who can name it, let alone prescribe an effective treatment.

No matter how advanced medicine becomes, it cannot cure invisible wounds.

The more she thought about it, the more frightened she became. Her fingers unconsciously twisted the hem of her clothes until her fingertips turned white.

Suddenly, a thought flashed through her mind, like a glimmer of light in the darkness: "Why don't I... talk to Mom? She's experienced and knowledgeable, and has gone through a lot in her life. Maybe she can help me sort out these tangled thoughts."

As soon as this thought crossed her mind, she felt inexplicably more at ease.

Although the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has always been cold, she is willing to take this step for Fu Li'an.

Fu Lian slowly turned over, his movements sluggish, as if even turning over required a great deal of effort.

He gazed at her silently in the darkness, his eyes vacant yet carrying a faint glimmer of light, as if he were expecting something.

"You...are you willing to tell her?"

His voice was very soft, almost swallowed by the night, yet it struck her heart with tremendous force.

Qiao Wanyin was stunned, as if frozen in place by those words.

Yes, these days, she and her mother-in-law, Song Yazhi, have barely spoken a few words.