Chapter 113 About, “I” * …

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After finishing the meal, I sent everyone away and returned to my room alone.

Although I used magic to remove the traces and fatigue, the mental tension still existed. I fell directly on the soft bed, with the cotton swab facing the open window.

The windows of the room are propped up by sticks, which gives it a unique and elegant feel. You can see the light pink flowers blooming in the corner of the corridor. The corridors of the elves are all externally suspended designs, which are not very friendly to people with acrophobia. In other words, as long as you are not afraid of heights, you can enjoy the beautiful scenery. The lush forest with a super wide angle of view is like the ocean, rustling with the wind. The ups and downs of the leaves are deep and shallow, and the golden green waves are shining in the sunlight. Not to mention the fairies and unicorns that can be seen everywhere, the magic elements visible to the naked eye are like broken glass candies scattered all over the ground, making everything in front of you look like a dream.

The wind mixed with the chirping of birds entered my ears, making me drowsy. The soft mattress wrapped around my body, and I felt my whole body relax. Half asleep and half awake, I felt something jump next to me. I opened my eyes and saw the cat circling around the bed like a patrol. When I got in her way, she jumped over me without hesitation, like climbing a mountain. After getting familiar with the environment, she lay down beside me and made a small, low purring sound from her throat.

I reached out and touched her head, but there was no actual touch. The cat seemed very happy, rolled over, and talked about what happened today: "Are these people your companions? You look very happy."

I froze for a moment and touched my face: "...Do I look happy?"

Those thin whiskers trembled: "Well, it's much better than before. I like you better now. When we were still alive, you were a child who could not cry or laugh. You sat in the room alone, and could not do anything except eating and sleeping. You were like a puppet. At that time, I thought that this child would not live long. I had to take care of you."

"Was I like this back then? I don't remember anything. I only remember you going out and getting some meat for me to eat. I don't know where it came from."

I barely remember this incident. I only remember how small and dark the hut was, a dark mouse hole. The cat licked its paws and lay on my chest: "Yes, you are a cub that the cat worries about. But now, you have your own companion."

...Are they really any different to me than other people?

I asked myself. If it were me in the past, I would definitely shake my head without hesitation, but now I didn't refute it immediately.

"...Actually, I'm not quite sure what I'm thinking."

These words can only be said to the cat. I hugged her as if I was hugging a warm star. "Sometimes I feel confused about myself. I don't know what I want, nor do I know what I can do. I just go with the flow, go forward when the wind is favorable, and lie down when I encounter difficulties. I don't feel that I need others, nor do I feel that I am needed. I stay in my own field step by step until I am pulled out of the kingdom of God and meet them."

At this moment, many things flashed through my mind.

I thought of those distant times. I walked alone through the barren land, and picked up a child in a famine where everyone exchanged their own children for food. His eyes were like my own, so I reached out to him and pulled him out of the mud. Just as I had hoped. The law-abiding gods understood for the first time what preference meant, even if it did not match the background of death. Then, from the same person, I learned what betrayal and separation meant. I knew that fate not only had twists and turns that were set at the beginning, but also an unreachable future.

I thought again of the dark torrent that spread across the entire continent. This is not the first time that death and darkness have worked together. We have been running parallel in every corner of the world long before all this happened. Gazing at the outlines of every mountain covered by the night as it rises and sets in the morning. We argued about the weight of a soul, and faced killing together, letting our robes be stained red with blood. The most timid person, the most cowardly person, the most sincere person, the most painful person. The night will not refuse, but tolerate. Its gods are polluted by selfish desires, but they always just hide in the dark and stare silently. Memories can be turned into paintings and placed at the end of the bed for daily viewing. But I came so many times, but he never dared to let me take a look.

In the long years that followed, I encountered many more.

Like a wolf with a big dog, he always likes to be a green tea with others and lie in my bed and act like a spoiled child. He is obviously a dragon but he is pure and kind. He was fierce when I first met him, but later he became a clingy insect. Although they quarrel every day, two people are better than hundreds of ducks. But he always stands by my side.

Remiel was so good to me, so good that I couldn't finish the words. Odysseus always stood aside in a cold manner, and his proud character prevented him from begging for mercy. But he would be furious because of my fake death, and he would also let go of his reserve and invite me to take a walk. When it rained, he would silently tilt the umbrella over my head.

What will they be like in reality?

Not the world created by the mental repair instrument, but the complete them in the real world.

Maybe he's more irritable, taller, and more mature. Samuel might be more indifferent to his emotions. Would Sean and Neil quarrel if they met in real life? Odysseus has written countless stories...

If they knew what happened in the game, what would they do? They would treat it as another life of theirs, deny it outright, or even get angry, thinking that I was playing with their feelings.

When all the stories come to an end, we have gone through wind and rain and setbacks. We have reached the end together, but will we go our separate ways? The close people of the past have become strangers. When they mention me, will they talk about this story with a contemptuous tone, as if they were talking about a delusion implanted in someone's mind?

When I came to my senses, I realized that I had thought about things so far ahead, and I realized that there were so many things between us that I could recall. Every part was very clear.

The hand that was stroking the cat stopped, the cat squinted, and the tip of its tail gently rested on the back of my hand. She asked me softly, "Have you found the answer?"

"Maybe... I do care about them, more than I thought. When I was a human, I thought love was a heavy shackle; when I was a god, I thought love was a treasure that made the soul shine. But now, my definition of love is becoming more and more vague, and there is only one thing that is clear... No matter what Xia Pingan wants to do, I don't want these people to get into trouble. I want them to live a happy life."

——I want a happy life.

I thought so many times when I was young, but it was still a lie. I died as a human being, and from then on, my divinity took root in this body. But even after all I've been through, I still often think of the scene when the Fountain of Eternal Life fell from the sky. The drizzle covered the village, and all the bathers were immortal. I held the clear spring water in my hands, raised my head and swallowed it. With every sip, I prayed: I want to be happy.

This sentence became a lifelong curse when it came out of my mouth, so I stopped chasing that unreachable phantom. But no matter what I encounter, I will always think of this incident. The young me smiled at me and whispered that I also want happiness.

If I can't be happy, then I hope that the people I love can be happy.

"It's so strange. I spent so much time with you. We lived together in a shabby hut, and I was sacrificed after you died. After going through so much, I never thought I would feel this way."

I lowered my head and put my forehead against the cat's. I gently rubbed it. I had to admit in my heart that I had indeed changed because of them.

Time has changed too many intense loves and hates. Before, I would have thrown Samuel out and executed him, but now, I can sit down and talk to him calmly. After knowing that this world is a game, many small differences are no longer so important.

Even if I still have some grudges, I don't want him to die here. Maybe my mentality is really old, so when I see his eyes, I always recall the high-spirited young man and the vows we made. Or maybe I just feel guilty after knowing the truth. But in this world, there is no such thing as pure love and hate. For Samuel, is my response and rejection painful, or is it proof that he still has me in my eyes? I can't tell, and I can't see through it.

The cat licked my fingertips, bringing back my scattered thoughts.

She once protected me from the wind and rain, and now she sleeps peacefully in my arms. I hold her, just like holding my own past. The cold and illusory body is pressed against my palm, but I can't make her warm again.

I can create death, but I cannot heal life. I am a black hole of nothingness, swallowing everything that pours in, but I don't know how to give back.

The cat comforted me as if it didn't care: "Don't worry, it's fine now, at least I can still talk to you. Go to sleep, and everything will be fine when you wake up."

"...You always say that."

I closed my eyes as I was told. Not long after, something landed on the tip of my nose.

I looked over in surprise. The butterfly gently flapped its emerald green wings. The light in the room dimmed without me noticing, but it still carried the warmth of the sun.

There was a faint singing coming from outside the window. It was a song I had heard before.

I once saw Samuel speak to the live broadcast, and thousands of people listened to him and were silent. Now this song is only for me, and it seems much gentler. The ancient and melodious tune reverberates, and the voice is clear and pure. The blue sky will no longer rain the spring of eternal life, but the song of the elves comes from a distant place, and the clear light accompanies me to sleep.

It's him.

Neither the cat nor I spoke until sleepiness overwhelmed me, and the song still echoed gently.

Flowing into my ears, flowing into my dreams.

Actually, there is one more thing I haven’t told the cat.

If this is a game, at least I don't want to be the hero who turns into a demon king when it ends.

If I deserve happiness, if there are really so many people willing to give everything to fill this hole.

I want to be pulled out of my life that is as still as stagnant water by some people, a pair of hands. No longer an NPC, no longer the god of death, no longer a complicated identity, no longer the final ruler of everything.

Just as a person, as myself——

I want to open my eyes again in the hug and see how beautiful this world is.